Feliz Navidad

This Christmas season has been awesome, even though I have to keep reminding myself it's Christmas (I blame a lack of snow, but I'm NOT complaining). For the first time I played Christmas pranks on dear friends. I'm not the mastermind-type, but I enjoyed the manual labor. Although, staying up til 10:30 or waking up at 2 am took a toll. There's a certain thrill while you're creeping around someone's yard with good intentions. Although, I'm sure the candy canes were a pain to pull up (sorry!).

Another reason for awesomeness is that my parents are visiting. This is my mom's 5th trip, but her second trip with my dad. We've been eating out, enjoying the Christmas sights (Parade of Lights and Jingle Bell Hill), and shopping way too much. No clothes shopping, yet. We did buy seeds and soil to plant vegetables in the dirt in front of my house. I swore I'd never have a garden after pulling weeds as a kid. Now, I'm asking for garden gloves and a trowel. Last year, it was jewelry.

I had a delightful evening last night at a friend's house. It's my first Christmas in San Diego.

My car is in the shop, so I've been driving my parents around in their 4-runner, or as I like to call it, a boat. It's huge. Surprisingly, I'm able to use my car-awareness skills from my CR-V to maneuver the car.

I have high hopes for 2010. I'm hoping to grow my hair out for Locks of Love. I also hope to start scrapbooking again as I've been lazy. Now that I have an official kitchen table with chairs, I can use my folding table as a scrapbooking station. Although, I said the same thing in July...

I also have a devotional to read and I hope to write one myself every day.

I'm very excited to start making my own granola. Mary gave me homemade granola for Christmas and it's delicious. I'm looking forward to making my own so I don't have to buy cereal and I'll know there's no high fructose corn syrup. I also want to lose 5 more pounds and then I'll be at my goal weight. Then I get to maintain. Hooray.

I'm enjoying a break from the daily grind. I'm going to bask in my motivation, as I'll be sure to lose it next year (and regain, as there's a cycle of motivation).

Home-less

Last night at a staff holiday party, we discussed spending an entire day at home. We're always going somewhere. A whole day at home sounds like a fabulous goal. I have yet to pick a date, but I look forward to staying at home. During college I had those days more often. I'd hunker down in my dorm, order a pizza, and finish writing a paper. Despite having to do work, I look back on those days fondly.

This morning I walked in the rain to get my haircut. I saw a man sitting on the sidewalk; he told me I needed an umbrella. Not having an umbrella was my choice.

This interaction, however, reminded me of when I first moved to San Diego. I dropped my mom off at the airport and explored the San Diego harbor. I walked 3 miles along the harbor, through seaport village, and around Embarcadero Park. I met a middle-aged man and he invited me to hang out with his friends. They were having a bbq. I joined them. Turns out they were homeless and fed me. It was a very memorable experience from which I feel slightly guilty since homeless people fed me.

After my trim, I saw the same guy in a different area of Old Town. He said my hair looked dry. I explained my haircut. Then he proceeded to chat and share part of his story. He says I never would have thought I'd end up homeless.

I just stood there, listening. What does one say after hearing that the woman he was dating took a lot of his stuff, including his dirty underwear?

Talking to him reminded me of Jesus. I stayed and listened because Jesus would have done that. I often just walk past people asking for money; even if I give them money, I keep going. Standing there listening to this man (I didn't even ask his name), I kept thinking: how can I help him? Should I give him money? I only had increments of 20s in my wallet, so I didn't want to part with one. He didn't ask for money, either. I think listening to him and acknowledging him as a human being was the best way to help. At least I tell myself that, so I can sleep better at night and pretend I'm redeemed.

Walking back to Connery's apartment made me realize how fortunate I am to have friends who will listen to me no matter how pointless or how insightful my message. I also realized how blessed I was to have a house to go home to. I take so many things for granted.

Spending an entire day at home seems more of a luxury than I realized.

Who's on First?

This is my best story from working with students from the 2008-2009 school year.

Three 5th graders were playing a trivia game. A male student was asked the following: In baseball, what does the shortstop do after catching a ball. I do not remember the specific question, but the answer I was looking for was throw it to first base.

This student was not familiar with baseball. I mimed throwing the ball. In order to help him figure out where to throw the ball to, I started spelling the word. "It starts with the letter 'b'," I say. He suddenly blurts out "Bitch!"

The other two students were slow to catch on to what he said. The resource specialist walks over to inquire what exactly I'm teaching my students. We were laughing. I informed the student the shortstop throws the ball to first base.

Later that year the same student blurted out "dick," but I can no longer remember the context. It was apparent he was learning new vocabulary words outside of school.

Anti-Smoking

I delight in taking pictures of ridiculous or amusing signs. This is one of them, in my mind. "Stop. Butts in here."

God's answer

The recent weather in San Diego has rendered me physically lazy. I do not want to drive to the YMCA to work out, and I certainly do not want to jog outside in the rain. As a result, I have been flexing my spiritual muscle (it's the only muscle I can boast even though it's frequently flaccid).

Last night I blogged about my unique perspective. This morning, I think God provided an answer. Come with me on my biblical journey this morning.

1. God's answer: 1 Corinthians 19-23 Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law, To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

My interpretation was that I can wear my old secular humanist hat while I wear my Jesus hat. I don't have to become like people subscribing to secular humanist beliefs. I used to be that person. I may wear my hats and not be able to see a damn thing. I may fall flat on my face. I may repel people instead of save. Frankly, the goal of saving people feels unattainable. Yes, I know that's why Jesus steps in, but I'm afraid of failure and I am not omnipotent enough to recognize success or defeat. At least I know I have two hats for a reason.

2. Another thought on my mind as I continued reading was the issue of eating meat: animal cruelty, hormones, etc. When I'm shopping at Trader Joe's, I can find some free range, organic, pampered meat. The last time I bought meat, it was not at Trader Joe's.

God's response? (Aside from "Do better") 1 Corinthians 10:23-30 "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seeks his own good, but the good of others. Eat anything sold in the meat market without raising questions of conscience, for, "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it." If some unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without asking questions of conscience. But if anyone says to you, "This has been offered in sacrifice," then do not eat it, both for the sake of the man who told you and for conscience' sake - the other man's conscience, I mean, not yours. For why should my freedom be judged by another's conscience? If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for?

My interepretation: It's past the point of not asking questions about where our meat comes from and how the animals are treated. Buy free range or local eggs, etc. from local farmers when possible. Try not to eat the meat that is not free range, but when refraining is no longer possible, thank God for your meal. Oops, I bought abused meat again. I'm sorry, but I thank you for providing me with food.

3. Feminism

Now this issue is unresolved as of this morning. My bible adventure took a sharp turn. First I read this: 1 Corinthians 11:4-10 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head - it is as though her head were shaved. If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or shaved off, she should cover her head. A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head

I was wiggling with discomfort, about to stand on a soap box, until I read "sign of authority." I can live with a head covering as a sign of authority, but am I going to start covering my head in church? Only if it's freezing inside and I need a hat to stay warm. Is this Jesus's take-away message? No. Am I sinning by not covering my head? Possibly, but I commit worse transgressions.

I continued until I read this verse. Now I had heard the Bible was actually revolutionary for women and made them part of the storyline when they were typically ignored. So explain this: 1 Corinthians 14:33-35 As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

Say what, Paul? Things are a little different in the world today. I know my pastor would not read this and suddenly advise all women to stop talking. Their prayer is just as important as a man's. On the other hand, praying in a public forum also makes me wiggle uncomfortably, so it's an easy out for me. I must be silent, Paul said so. It's not meant for that, either. Submitting to the Lord, I can acknowledge. Submitting to a husband, I can tolerate since he is supposed to have my best interests at heart, biblically anyway. I have no idea what the "law" is and I have no clue why it would be disgraceful for a woman to talk in church. Looking at Paul's argument, he sets the stage among a "congregation of the saints;" personally, I do not see any saints at my church. People with admirable, saint-like qualities, but we're all sinners. Maybe my new Bible full of history and cultural context will provide further insight.

As for now, I'm glancing at my soap box while remembering it's a small detail. Jesus listened to women; he did not defer to their husbands.

God answers some question and poses new ones. He's challenging like that.

Dusty

I've been spinning circles instead of blogging. Sometimes I sit and wait for brilliant words to flow from my brain, but only mediocre words trickle forth. It annoys me, because I really feel somewhere in the cobwebs of my brain there's something brilliant.

As of late, the fact that I now believe in Jesus has been brought to my attention. San Diego friends did not fully know agnostic Erin. San Diego people saw my journey progress, more or less.

My world is colliding with old friends who don't know the new me and current friends who say things I used to say about God. I feel like one of the fish Jesus caught with the disciples. I believe in Him, but I feel trapped. Suffocating from the newness of my transformed beliefs.

I am still surprised by my new beliefs. I am still uncomfortable. The beliefs are growing on me; I accept them fully, but I'm used to old beliefs not my new ones.

I have a friend calling me "religious." It is not malicious in nature, but my core cringes. I am not religious; I rebelled from that. I still reject that; I have a personal relationship with Jesus. He's got my back. He has proved that to me. I prayed about that before I accepted Him. It's difficult to argue with answered prayer.

I believe in Jesus, and I feel like an awkward teenager. I'm not the "God bless" type, not even when someone sneezes. I'm trying to share the joy I've experienced from Jesus, but I'm not the "omg you have to hear this" type. If I really did not feel joyful and notice a shift in perspective, I would think my own post was lame.

I do things that if given the opportunity a year and a half ago would have bet my life that I would never do such things. I give close to 10% of my paycheck to a church. One of my reasons for leaving the church was their entire sermons on tithing! But I did not attend a bilingual church in Plattsburgh. I had never heard a pastor (especially since I was raised Catholic with priests) say "If you are visiting our church, please do not give us money." I've never experienced a church provide a welcoming atmosphere and work so hard toward serving the people in their community. I've never heard a church acknowledge their sin. Once you get past the guilt, knowing you will sin is actually liberating. Yes, I will fuck up. Yes, Jesus will still love me. What? All I can do is try. If karma was really true, it would kick my ass. I don't do enough good things to yield any sizable karmic reward. Karma would be waiting for me after I parked my car in the alley. It would carry a large bat. But Jesus died to pay the price for all of my sins. I can experience God, because the barrier of sin is gone. Sin still exists, but you don't need a priest to connect with God.

Am I sounding preachy now? That would make me ill.

Only a few of my family members know I'm attending church. I'm not sure how many knew I had stopped attending church. I'm a closet Jesus-believer. I still don't fully accept the term "Christian." I still think of Eddie Izzard's sketch in which he calls the Bible a "Bib-Lee." I usually need to think about how to say it correctly while around people who are unfamiliar with Eddie.

I have these struggles for a reason. This is my perspective. In retrospect, I turned away from God based upon the actions of other men and women. Humans are sinful creatures. Other human beings will disappoint you to some degree. God will disappoint you to some degree, but He knows your story from beginning to end. He knows how to use your disappointment to fuel your next greatest achievement.

My pastor often describes how Jesus will change you once you accept Him. He's right, but it's note the way I imagined it. I've noticed some big changes in my life, but I'm still me. The changes are gradual. My mind is still in the gutter; I'm still amused by little things; I still try to pet every single cat I see; "Baby got back" is still my official theme song. Some things will never change, but if nothing changed then I'd be standing still. Standing still does not permit dancing; shake my booty I must.

Maybe my brilliance would shine if I did not feel the need to lurk in the shadows.