Feliz Navidad

This Christmas season has been awesome, even though I have to keep reminding myself it's Christmas (I blame a lack of snow, but I'm NOT complaining). For the first time I played Christmas pranks on dear friends. I'm not the mastermind-type, but I enjoyed the manual labor. Although, staying up til 10:30 or waking up at 2 am took a toll. There's a certain thrill while you're creeping around someone's yard with good intentions. Although, I'm sure the candy canes were a pain to pull up (sorry!).

Another reason for awesomeness is that my parents are visiting. This is my mom's 5th trip, but her second trip with my dad. We've been eating out, enjoying the Christmas sights (Parade of Lights and Jingle Bell Hill), and shopping way too much. No clothes shopping, yet. We did buy seeds and soil to plant vegetables in the dirt in front of my house. I swore I'd never have a garden after pulling weeds as a kid. Now, I'm asking for garden gloves and a trowel. Last year, it was jewelry.

I had a delightful evening last night at a friend's house. It's my first Christmas in San Diego.

My car is in the shop, so I've been driving my parents around in their 4-runner, or as I like to call it, a boat. It's huge. Surprisingly, I'm able to use my car-awareness skills from my CR-V to maneuver the car.

I have high hopes for 2010. I'm hoping to grow my hair out for Locks of Love. I also hope to start scrapbooking again as I've been lazy. Now that I have an official kitchen table with chairs, I can use my folding table as a scrapbooking station. Although, I said the same thing in July...

I also have a devotional to read and I hope to write one myself every day.

I'm very excited to start making my own granola. Mary gave me homemade granola for Christmas and it's delicious. I'm looking forward to making my own so I don't have to buy cereal and I'll know there's no high fructose corn syrup. I also want to lose 5 more pounds and then I'll be at my goal weight. Then I get to maintain. Hooray.

I'm enjoying a break from the daily grind. I'm going to bask in my motivation, as I'll be sure to lose it next year (and regain, as there's a cycle of motivation).

Home-less

Last night at a staff holiday party, we discussed spending an entire day at home. We're always going somewhere. A whole day at home sounds like a fabulous goal. I have yet to pick a date, but I look forward to staying at home. During college I had those days more often. I'd hunker down in my dorm, order a pizza, and finish writing a paper. Despite having to do work, I look back on those days fondly.

This morning I walked in the rain to get my haircut. I saw a man sitting on the sidewalk; he told me I needed an umbrella. Not having an umbrella was my choice.

This interaction, however, reminded me of when I first moved to San Diego. I dropped my mom off at the airport and explored the San Diego harbor. I walked 3 miles along the harbor, through seaport village, and around Embarcadero Park. I met a middle-aged man and he invited me to hang out with his friends. They were having a bbq. I joined them. Turns out they were homeless and fed me. It was a very memorable experience from which I feel slightly guilty since homeless people fed me.

After my trim, I saw the same guy in a different area of Old Town. He said my hair looked dry. I explained my haircut. Then he proceeded to chat and share part of his story. He says I never would have thought I'd end up homeless.

I just stood there, listening. What does one say after hearing that the woman he was dating took a lot of his stuff, including his dirty underwear?

Talking to him reminded me of Jesus. I stayed and listened because Jesus would have done that. I often just walk past people asking for money; even if I give them money, I keep going. Standing there listening to this man (I didn't even ask his name), I kept thinking: how can I help him? Should I give him money? I only had increments of 20s in my wallet, so I didn't want to part with one. He didn't ask for money, either. I think listening to him and acknowledging him as a human being was the best way to help. At least I tell myself that, so I can sleep better at night and pretend I'm redeemed.

Walking back to Connery's apartment made me realize how fortunate I am to have friends who will listen to me no matter how pointless or how insightful my message. I also realized how blessed I was to have a house to go home to. I take so many things for granted.

Spending an entire day at home seems more of a luxury than I realized.

Who's on First?

This is my best story from working with students from the 2008-2009 school year.

Three 5th graders were playing a trivia game. A male student was asked the following: In baseball, what does the shortstop do after catching a ball. I do not remember the specific question, but the answer I was looking for was throw it to first base.

This student was not familiar with baseball. I mimed throwing the ball. In order to help him figure out where to throw the ball to, I started spelling the word. "It starts with the letter 'b'," I say. He suddenly blurts out "Bitch!"

The other two students were slow to catch on to what he said. The resource specialist walks over to inquire what exactly I'm teaching my students. We were laughing. I informed the student the shortstop throws the ball to first base.

Later that year the same student blurted out "dick," but I can no longer remember the context. It was apparent he was learning new vocabulary words outside of school.

Anti-Smoking

I delight in taking pictures of ridiculous or amusing signs. This is one of them, in my mind. "Stop. Butts in here."

God's answer

The recent weather in San Diego has rendered me physically lazy. I do not want to drive to the YMCA to work out, and I certainly do not want to jog outside in the rain. As a result, I have been flexing my spiritual muscle (it's the only muscle I can boast even though it's frequently flaccid).

Last night I blogged about my unique perspective. This morning, I think God provided an answer. Come with me on my biblical journey this morning.

1. God's answer: 1 Corinthians 19-23 Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law, To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.

My interpretation was that I can wear my old secular humanist hat while I wear my Jesus hat. I don't have to become like people subscribing to secular humanist beliefs. I used to be that person. I may wear my hats and not be able to see a damn thing. I may fall flat on my face. I may repel people instead of save. Frankly, the goal of saving people feels unattainable. Yes, I know that's why Jesus steps in, but I'm afraid of failure and I am not omnipotent enough to recognize success or defeat. At least I know I have two hats for a reason.

2. Another thought on my mind as I continued reading was the issue of eating meat: animal cruelty, hormones, etc. When I'm shopping at Trader Joe's, I can find some free range, organic, pampered meat. The last time I bought meat, it was not at Trader Joe's.

God's response? (Aside from "Do better") 1 Corinthians 10:23-30 "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible" - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seeks his own good, but the good of others. Eat anything sold in the meat market without raising questions of conscience, for, "The earth is the Lord's and everything in it." If some unbeliever invites you to a meal and you want to go, eat whatever is put before you without asking questions of conscience. But if anyone says to you, "This has been offered in sacrifice," then do not eat it, both for the sake of the man who told you and for conscience' sake - the other man's conscience, I mean, not yours. For why should my freedom be judged by another's conscience? If I take part in the meal with thankfulness, why am I denounced because of something I thank God for?

My interepretation: It's past the point of not asking questions about where our meat comes from and how the animals are treated. Buy free range or local eggs, etc. from local farmers when possible. Try not to eat the meat that is not free range, but when refraining is no longer possible, thank God for your meal. Oops, I bought abused meat again. I'm sorry, but I thank you for providing me with food.

3. Feminism

Now this issue is unresolved as of this morning. My bible adventure took a sharp turn. First I read this: 1 Corinthians 11:4-10 Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head. And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered dishonors her head - it is as though her head were shaved. If a woman does not cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or shaved off, she should cover her head. A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head

I was wiggling with discomfort, about to stand on a soap box, until I read "sign of authority." I can live with a head covering as a sign of authority, but am I going to start covering my head in church? Only if it's freezing inside and I need a hat to stay warm. Is this Jesus's take-away message? No. Am I sinning by not covering my head? Possibly, but I commit worse transgressions.

I continued until I read this verse. Now I had heard the Bible was actually revolutionary for women and made them part of the storyline when they were typically ignored. So explain this: 1 Corinthians 14:33-35 As in all the congregations of the saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church.

Say what, Paul? Things are a little different in the world today. I know my pastor would not read this and suddenly advise all women to stop talking. Their prayer is just as important as a man's. On the other hand, praying in a public forum also makes me wiggle uncomfortably, so it's an easy out for me. I must be silent, Paul said so. It's not meant for that, either. Submitting to the Lord, I can acknowledge. Submitting to a husband, I can tolerate since he is supposed to have my best interests at heart, biblically anyway. I have no idea what the "law" is and I have no clue why it would be disgraceful for a woman to talk in church. Looking at Paul's argument, he sets the stage among a "congregation of the saints;" personally, I do not see any saints at my church. People with admirable, saint-like qualities, but we're all sinners. Maybe my new Bible full of history and cultural context will provide further insight.

As for now, I'm glancing at my soap box while remembering it's a small detail. Jesus listened to women; he did not defer to their husbands.

God answers some question and poses new ones. He's challenging like that.

Dusty

I've been spinning circles instead of blogging. Sometimes I sit and wait for brilliant words to flow from my brain, but only mediocre words trickle forth. It annoys me, because I really feel somewhere in the cobwebs of my brain there's something brilliant.

As of late, the fact that I now believe in Jesus has been brought to my attention. San Diego friends did not fully know agnostic Erin. San Diego people saw my journey progress, more or less.

My world is colliding with old friends who don't know the new me and current friends who say things I used to say about God. I feel like one of the fish Jesus caught with the disciples. I believe in Him, but I feel trapped. Suffocating from the newness of my transformed beliefs.

I am still surprised by my new beliefs. I am still uncomfortable. The beliefs are growing on me; I accept them fully, but I'm used to old beliefs not my new ones.

I have a friend calling me "religious." It is not malicious in nature, but my core cringes. I am not religious; I rebelled from that. I still reject that; I have a personal relationship with Jesus. He's got my back. He has proved that to me. I prayed about that before I accepted Him. It's difficult to argue with answered prayer.

I believe in Jesus, and I feel like an awkward teenager. I'm not the "God bless" type, not even when someone sneezes. I'm trying to share the joy I've experienced from Jesus, but I'm not the "omg you have to hear this" type. If I really did not feel joyful and notice a shift in perspective, I would think my own post was lame.

I do things that if given the opportunity a year and a half ago would have bet my life that I would never do such things. I give close to 10% of my paycheck to a church. One of my reasons for leaving the church was their entire sermons on tithing! But I did not attend a bilingual church in Plattsburgh. I had never heard a pastor (especially since I was raised Catholic with priests) say "If you are visiting our church, please do not give us money." I've never experienced a church provide a welcoming atmosphere and work so hard toward serving the people in their community. I've never heard a church acknowledge their sin. Once you get past the guilt, knowing you will sin is actually liberating. Yes, I will fuck up. Yes, Jesus will still love me. What? All I can do is try. If karma was really true, it would kick my ass. I don't do enough good things to yield any sizable karmic reward. Karma would be waiting for me after I parked my car in the alley. It would carry a large bat. But Jesus died to pay the price for all of my sins. I can experience God, because the barrier of sin is gone. Sin still exists, but you don't need a priest to connect with God.

Am I sounding preachy now? That would make me ill.

Only a few of my family members know I'm attending church. I'm not sure how many knew I had stopped attending church. I'm a closet Jesus-believer. I still don't fully accept the term "Christian." I still think of Eddie Izzard's sketch in which he calls the Bible a "Bib-Lee." I usually need to think about how to say it correctly while around people who are unfamiliar with Eddie.

I have these struggles for a reason. This is my perspective. In retrospect, I turned away from God based upon the actions of other men and women. Humans are sinful creatures. Other human beings will disappoint you to some degree. God will disappoint you to some degree, but He knows your story from beginning to end. He knows how to use your disappointment to fuel your next greatest achievement.

My pastor often describes how Jesus will change you once you accept Him. He's right, but it's note the way I imagined it. I've noticed some big changes in my life, but I'm still me. The changes are gradual. My mind is still in the gutter; I'm still amused by little things; I still try to pet every single cat I see; "Baby got back" is still my official theme song. Some things will never change, but if nothing changed then I'd be standing still. Standing still does not permit dancing; shake my booty I must.

Maybe my brilliance would shine if I did not feel the need to lurk in the shadows.

A kudos

Today's groupon deal surprised me. The author subtly referenced water boarding. Props to the author.

"As a hybrid of surfing, snowboarding, and every other boarding approved by the Geneva Convention"

You'll be pleased to know you can board safely at the Wave House.

I have two draft entries that will debut within the week. =)

Conjectures of a Speech Language Pathologist

High fives with as much force a 5 year old contains,

Spilling his energy into the world,

Radically sculpting his niche.

Frozen in his class picture: smiling and gazing outside—

Beyond the moment.

A still body witha busy mind,

Building connections,

Foraging his path to enlightenment.

He will excel in grade school.

His dimples will break hearts;

His enthusiasm will breed friendship.

He stalks knowledge, interrogating teachers.

Yes, he will excel.

He will never light up or sip an intoxicating drink.

He will live in the bubble of his class picture:

Safe.

A future teacher will ensure he continues to grow.

Surely, this gem will be polished.

The high five explodes with an echo.

He is waiting.

Giving generously or just giving?

I have a confession. This month, I have decided to give 10% of my gross monthly paycheck to God. And by 10%, it's probably 9.95%--a minor technicality. The point is, I started giving 5% in July or August. If I happened to have a surplus at the end of the month, I'd give that to God as well.

May I add this is a complete 180 for me. Some of my objections to God in the past included the priest spending an entire sermon asking for more money. The concept is foreign to me, but I've found a church I support and has pointed me to Jesus.

Two weeks ago, I listened to Bill preach about leaving big decisions up to God. He had a few pointers to help us learn to listen to God. One of which included obeying God when it came to the "little things." Arguably, I doubt any of God's demands upon us are little, or easy. What even qualifies as a "little thing?" For me, that was how much money I was giving to the church. It's probably one of the few things I can actually choose to obey. I anticipate it will be a difficult choice every month, but it's a choice I want to make.

It's been a week, and I've already noticed a shift in my perspective. I scrutinize my purchases like I never have before. Furthermore, I'm operating on cash only (with gas and groceries being the only exception). I am literally stretching my dollars every week. Oddly enough, I feel more responsible. I feel like I'm making better decisions with my money.

This decision, however, does have poor timing (will my sinful nature ever end?). While the amount of weight I lose increases, the amount of clothes that fit me in my closet decreases. Now I need to save money in order to rebuild my wardrobe. Maybe the timing is better than I thought since Christmas is right around the corner. I'm not worried either way; I just cannot splurge the way I had imagined.

The first week was a success. I managed to stay within my limit for the week, and today begins a new week. I'm thankful for all God has provided for me.

God Provides

Recently, I've become a fan of the farmer's market in Hillcrest on Sundays from 9-2. I especially love to buy yellow cherry-sized tomatoes. I missed a few Sundays when I was out of town in October. Last weekend, I was able to go and was hopeful to buy those yellow tomatoes. I have no idea when the season ends, but I bought 2 green baskets last week.

Today was a busy Sunday. Connery was over for breakfast, so that prevented a pre-church farmer's market run. A lunch meeting with IOB leadership prevented a post-church farmer's market run. I lamented over this fact as I drove Connery to the trolley station. Church is important as is IOB, so missing one week was tolerable.

After church, Amy asked if I needed any produce--she was going to the farmer's market. I was overjoyed as I asked her to pick up some yellow cherry-sized tomatoes.

I was awed to see Jesus show up in the smallest of places. I hope the yellow tomatoes are still in season, and while I eat them this week, I hope I remember to give thanks to Jesus. He truly provides for my needs-great and small.

Whiter Teeth

Apparently, deals through groupon.com are rich with ridiculous comments. Here's a gem from this morning's new deal: (the set-up: it's a deal for whitening teeth, apparently without a laser)

Those are scams run by evil doctors who live for the thrill of shooting unsuspecting patients in the mouth with real lasers.

Now, I begin to a picture a dentist with a menacing stare and a handle-bar mustache laughing maniacally while toting a laser. Such dismal imagery. A+ for hyperbole; F for effectiveness.

Hakuna Matata

I feel half asleep as I write this. I am waiting for my load of laundry to finish drying.

The weekend began with a yoga class on Friday. I liked the teacher's style; furthermore, she'd go around the room to ensure her pupils were bending the right way. I discovered I'm more flexible and stronger than I realized. I suppose consistent exercise will do that. I have not exercised this consistently since I track my last 2 years of high school.

Saturday began with pumpkin pancakes, courtesy of Connery and Trader Joe's mix. We went for a walk and then got ready for the day. We went to the Civic Theater to watch the Lion King. Incredible does not begin to describe the spectacle. It was brilliant: from the colors to the costumes to the set design. The writers even threw in a local gibe: This looks like a shower curtain from Tijuana. I expected to cry when Mufassa died; I cried scene 1. Seeing Rafiki begin "Circle of Life" was moving. The sun rising on the stage was beautiful. It became real. I had not realized just how much I enjoyed the movie. Apparently, memorizing the soundtrack had not been enough of an indicator. Not everything from the movie was included, notably Timon and Pumba's closing to the song "Can you feel the love tonight." It was a fabulous theatre experience. Connery and I sat so far back in the theatre that we truly had a bird's eye view. The people looked more like animals. A more authentic experience? Clearly!

The play ended just before 5:00. The hunt for our dining location began. We drank $4 mojitos at Las Hadas on 4th Avenue. Delightful! We spent so much time debating whether to stay or go somewhere else for the main course and a 3rd place for dessert. By the time we had decided to go with option B, a watier brought us a free appetizer. It was delicious, but we still left. We dined at Ocean Room further north on 4th. We had dined their before, and it had been fabulous. The food was not as spectacular, but we had a nice time nonetheless. Next, we invaded Nordstrom at Horton Plaza. I bought a pair of jeans and a shirt. Then we went down a level to check out shoes. I bought a pair of black boots; Connery, a pair of Pumas. We back tracked to 5th Ave to have dessert at Chocolat. Their gelatto was fabulous and their pannini selection looked good enough for a second visit. For once, I enjoyed downtown San Diego.

Sunday began on a high note in church followed by the potluck. I spaced that it was the weekend to help clean up the allies in City Heights. Shamefully, I bailed. I had hoped to get a head start on laundry. I planned on completing 3 loads. Load 1 began but would not commence spin cycle. SIX HOURS LATER I stuck a pencil where the lid latches and that moved mountains. During the 6 hours, I prayed and felt guilty for not attending the alley clean-up after church. In my heart, however, I knew that God does not operate on guilt. I repented and He forgave me. I was very thankful to see evidence of forgiveness through a spinning washer machine. I'm thankful to have Jesus in charge of my life, because I would truly make a mess out of it.

Another Try Fulfilled

Not long ago, I shared my personal struggle with weight loss. When I began toward the end of January, I had a profound sense of motivation which carried me through until June. I began to struggle as I tried to balance healthy eating habits with real life. A trip home meant lots of delicious food and lets not forget about random happy hours with friends. Food is a pillar of our culture, especially for celebrations. And for some reason, I was craving peanut butter but found it too high in calories and fat to buy it. This deprived feeling does not encourage dieting. I was about to jump off the wagon, but fortunately Jesus answered my prayers as described in "Testify" and "Another Try."

I have wonderful news to share. Through Jesus Christ (as my will is entirely too weak), I lost 5 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I have lost a total 30.6 pounds! I finally made it to 30, a feat I've been trying to achieve since June.

How did I do it? I'm not completely sure!

I did pig out on Tuesday during a meeting. Trader Joe's makes these chocolate covered fruits, and they must be sprinkled with crack. Furthermore, I ate pizza 4 times last week (3 of the times were in a row). I convinced my supporting boyfriend to order a plain pizza at Blind Lady Ale House (cheese and basil); the next day, I fixed english muffin pizzas for brunch (mine were veggie); an impromptu dinner invitation yieled more pizza (goat cheese with either proschutto and arugula or chorizo). Sunday I gathered with my supper club and ate delightful things related to our first kiss. I left feeling very full. A feeling I do not feel as often since I began my journey with Weight Watchers. Monday, I gathered with my community group to watch the Chargers (lose); we ordered a 28 inch pizza, half sausage, half pepperoni. I brought a salad, but still ate 3 pieces. And, I forgot to mention eating vermicelli with chicken at a Vietnamese restaurant on Sunday for lunch.

For most of the week, I wrote down what I ate and calculated the extra points. Of course, by Sunday I knew my extra points were gone. I jogged twice on Thursday and once on Sunday and once Tuesday. Honestly, I expected weight gain.

One thing that has helped me adopt tracking points as a lifestyle change is to guess points values when I eat out. Before, I would just skip it because I did not know. It's better for me to guess, even if I underestimate, so I take away some of my extra points. It's all about planning. I'll add more veggies to lunch, so they can also be snacks. I choose when I splurge on calories and try to eat less points on days I'm dining out. Note I did not say eat less. I eat plenty. To lower my overall points intake, I bring extra veggies and fruit along with my main dish for lunch. Breakfast is easy since I often eat veggies and fruit with whatever I'm eating. For example, today I'm scrambling an egg (2 points) with onion, pepper, avocado (1/4 is 2 points), and salsa. I'm frying zucchini in non-stick cooking spray and eating 1 cup worth of grapes (1 point). BAM a filling breakfast for 5 points. I have 21 points per day with 35 extra points for the entire week.

Well I did not intend for this to become more of a how-to, but I'm really excited about my avocado. Like peanut butter, avocados are a treat. Side note about peanut butter, I had not realized how large 1 tablespoon is, so I've been able to use butter AND peanut butter on Eggo low fat waffles.

Sometimes I felt like I needed to eat at home in order to lose weight, but this week has shown me that I can live a "normal" lifestyle and still lose weight.

Feeling further encouraged, I'm ready for this week, because now I accept the challenge of maintaining the 30 pounds I've lost or losing even more. I am 15 pounds away from my goal weight, which is based upon the Body Mass Index. I've learned that I can still enjoy everything I like as long as I balance it with healthy options. I need to limit myself or I lose control. Thanks for your support, and praise to Jesus for truly renewing me inside and out.

Irksome activities...

Welcome to my first installment of "Say What?," in which I describe asinine things people have actually said or written.

Groupon.com is a sweet website. Various businesses provide services at discounted rates if enough people buy it. So far I have 2 massages and a kayak tour booked through groupon.

Their current deal is rather unique: 67% Off at Your Personal Concierge

What does this mean, you may wonder. The business, Your Personal Concierge, will provide a personal assistant for 3 hours at a discounted rate. Here is the description with my own emphasis added:

The experienced errand-achievers (who have serviced high-profile celebs and wealthy execs) are like interns for your life, skillfully performing your tiresome to-do list so you can focus on less irksome activities such as picking out wedding rings and finalizing divorces.

The euphemism "errand-achievers" is a bit of a stretch, but I was willing to excuse such a phrase. Their description of irksome activities irks me. Picking out a wedding ring does qualify as less irksome; however, finalizing a divorce sounds more irksome than your average task on your to-do list.

Thus concludes my first installment of "Say What?" Feel free to contact me with suggestions.

A walk through City Heights

Today began as a typical Thursday. I woke up before the crack of dawn to jog with Kristen. By 9:00, I needed to bring my car to my mechanic (yes, I'm claiming ownership) in North Park. My front brake pads were at 15% in August; I thought it would be a quick fix. He anticipated 2 hours. What do I do when I have time to kill? I walk. Last time I had a long wait with my mechanic, I walked to Hillcrest and back. This time, I was on a mission. A group of friends meets once a month for a supper club. The theme this month is "first kiss" and related dishes. My first kiss was A. not very memorable and B. not associated with food. So I decided to choose my first serious relationship kiss. I dated a Filipino and I have fond food memories: homemade egg rolls and various other dishes that I cannot name but loved. My favorite dessert was bilo bilo. I've looked for it at places that serve Filipino cuisine with no luck. As a self-sufficient person, I decided to make it myself. I googled "bilo bilo" and hoped for the best. I found plenty of recipes and the ingredient list appeared manageable. Going to an Asian grocery store was on my to-do list and it became my mission. First, I needed to go to the bank to make a deposit. I knew I could walk to the Bank of America on El Cajon and Marlborough. Then I realized that I was likely to find an Asian market around City Heights. After BOA, I headed east and became doubtful after I passed Hoover High School (where my church meets). It was odd to see teenagers milling about instead of the usual church crowd, but I enjoyed seeing a glimpse of normalcy at Hoover. Finally, I saw a sign that said Food Center.* Somehow, I decided it was an Asian market and knew I needed to check it out. Maybe I had seen it before while driving to Hoover for church.

I approached the Food Center and once again had my doubts. The sign above the door said "wholesale;" I do not need the ingredients on my list in bulk; however, once I have it in my head that I'm doing something, it's like I'm running on autopilot. Walking up the ramp, I hear people speaking Spanish. People are pushing large shopping carts filled with plastic bags. I'm slightly confused as it is an Asian market. The employees (or maybe they were delivering food) were a mixture of Asian and Latino individuals. I shopped among Asian people listening to employees speak in Spanish. I finally heard an Asian langauge while I waited to check out.

Me, a blonde-haired, blue-eyed female, with a lost look on my face entering what seemed like a new world. I felt out of place, but it didn't bother me.

I needed rice flour, coconut milk, coconut cream, and large tapioca balls (insert gratitutious giggle). I began searching and found rice noodles. Then, I saw a large spikey ball in the fish area. It looked like what I imagine a puffer fish to look like, but it was called horse-something. I cannot remember. I wandered to the shelves and found coconut milk and coconut cream. I glanced down and found rice flour. I was on a roll. I did not see the tapioca balls, so I combed the rest of the store. I found so many new things. Shrimp chips, mangostein, and practically an entire aisle of soy sauce and various other sauces. I found packets of Thai iced tea that Connery brought me from Thai Town in L.A. (Now I don't need to go to L.A.) I found Pho seasoning packets with instructions to make it. You add rice noodles, which I had already seen. I was tempted to buy both items and add my own desires for my own Pho, but I was already carrying too much. Next time.

With no tapioca in sight, I circled back to the beginning and found small tapioca balls in the same section with the coconut milk/cream and rice flour. For those of you who are unaware, I'm too stubborn to ask for help immediately. I like to struggle a bit before I concede. Also, I was afraid to ask in English and I didn't have the vocabulary to ask in Spanish. Seriously, tapioca in Spanish? It better not be tapioca.

I did not interact much with the people in the store, but I was in awe of the diversity. In church, we're always talking about bridging cultures in City Heights, and I witnessed it outside the confines of our church/high school. The numerous and mish-mashing of cultures is one of the many reasons why I love San Diego. Where I grew up, diversity is scarce; perhaps that's why I crave it. Either way, I was blown away at how God can bridge cultures.

*I googled "City Heights" and found a picture of the sign of the store that I saw while walking. This is all part of God's plan; it's coming together all too easily!

A walk along my high school Cross-Country trail

Surrounded by chilled moisture,
treading a saturated path seeping damp memories.

Plangent leaves aflame
Confiscated sunshine, a howling breeze, sporadic cloud bursts.
Predictably unpredictable weather.

An impressionistic scene of water and trees.

Rooted in the pervious ground, I grow westward.

Another Try

I'm certain you've heard the saying "You can't go home again" or something to that effect. Well, I disagree. I left home in July 2006 and have returned approximately twice a year since then. With increasing time, it can have awkward moments. When I'm around people who have influenced the core of my being, however, I feel empowered, enlivened, elevated, energized--I cannot find a word to describe it. I appreciate where I came from; I love returning to marvel at the green grass, rainy sunless weather that I purposefully left, apple orchards, apple cider, fall foliage, the regional dialect, duct tape, and all other things classified under local color. Of course, I enjoy spending time with my parents, bestest friend in the universe, high school Spanish and AP English teacher, and various other family members and friends.

During my summer pilgrimage , I was constantly on the go. This visit actually feels like a vacation. I went into town today with my Mom to visit family and run errands. I left my cell phone at the house. I only checked my email a few times a day. At first, I was uncomfortable with nothing to do. I've since adjusted. At the same time, I'm looking forward to returning and reviving my routine in San Diego.

I thought my thoughts were geared toward returning home, but they have been overshadowed by my most in-my-face sin.

Being home has made it difficult to eat responsibly. I gained 4 pounds in a week. IN. A. WEEK. (technically, 6 days.) Last week, it would have pushed me over the edge. Jesus intervened last week. This week, He stood on the scale with me (hence the weight gain {just kidding}) and gave me the strength to endure the truth. My motivation has improved, but the struggle is still present. Being home does not help. I went to a restaurant known for specialty hot dogs only sold in the area and ordered a salad. Yes, I said salad. I almost changed my mind while my 6 surrounding family members ordered michigans with homemade fries. Before I flew out, I had decided against going for michigans. The trip was spontaneous, I did not need bonus michigans. Upon arriving, I changed my mind. After being weighed, I realized I needed to prioritize. For the record, I do not feel deprived. Tomorrow night I am having drinks with cousins, and Friday, I am having a girls night complete with snacks and wine. Now, the challenge is to indulge responsibly not as a glutton like I usually do. While I am committed to giving my all to lose weight, I'm terrified of failing. I went from losing 29 pounds to 25 pounds. I was so close to my goal, and now I'm so far away. But I will look at it as a new start. I spent months in limbo between 29 and 25 and now I am all the way back to 25. I will push forward, and I will show myself that I can do it during a time that I always choose to indulge as a glutton. I will try, anyway. I don't even want to post this, as it truly is my shameful struggle.

Until I reach my goal weight, I will combine the powers of diet and exercise so neither have to be stringent. At times, I felt like I had figured out how much exercise I needed to combat all the extra calories. But I still have no idea. Praise to Jesus for using this setback to motivate me, because I could have easily become depressed. I suppose this is how being home can help even though it has its challenges. Oh right, I have the same challenges in San Diego. After all, 3 of the 4 people I update weekly about my weigh-in live in NY.

Truly, I am having a wonderful time. I've seen the trees ablaze and finished walks outside just before the rain sauntered down. I had quality chat time with my best friend, which was something we lacked during my summer trip. Plus, we finally scheduled our pedicures together. Unfortunately, my feet are stuck in socks due to the weather, but I'm hopeful for San Diego.

I'm just so thankful to have Jesus to support me, because I cannot go 40 days and nights without food. I strive to live on the word of God.

Feel free to send me your prayer requests; I'd love to do something more productive with my time. Please, I'd be happy to pray for you.

Testify

So, one of my biggest sins is, obviously, one that brings me great shame. I love food. Many times, I cannot say no. Part of my journey to Jesus involved joining Weight Watchers back in January. From January to June, the pounds melted off and I lost 29 pounds. The summer was like a yo-yo, and I have not fully recommitted to making good food choices. I've stayed between having lost 25 and 29 pounds. I call on Jesus big time.

He's helped big time. This month alone I found will power to avoid all the damn treats in the lounge at work.

This week was particularly difficult. My week begins on Thursday and ends on Wednesday, when I get weighed. Last Thursday my dinner was french fries, onion rings, Guiness, some ice cream, then some more ice cream with peanut butter added. Friday I lost all will power. I ate so many calories. a piece of coffee cake, half a bagel with cream cheese, a mini-muffin, three-quarters of a Costco lemon poppyseed muffin, and more that I cannot recall on top of the food I brought for lunch and snacks. Over the weekend I ate Chinese food and breakfast at Coco's. Finally, the guilt started to set in. I prayed and started to feel more on track. I'd plan ahead and then not stick to the plan. I think Sunday was my best day. Monday I was doing well until I decided to make chocolate chip cookies. Tuesday I cooked my own dinner and then ate again with IOB. Ridiculous. Out of control. So, clearly, I'm dreading the scale the most I ever have in the past nine months.

I've been praying to Jesus: thanking Him for his help as I have won some battles, but pleading with Him because I'm losing the war. Today while driving to my Weight Watchers meeting, I'm telling him how I see His help yet still feel abadoned. I need MORE help.

In the back of my mind, I'm hoping that I will have lost weight anyway. I did jog Sunday morning, go to an aerobics class, and go to Boot Camp during the week. Truly, I made bad choices and knew I had to accept the consequences.

After telling Jesus how I felt abandoned, I stepped on the scale. For the first time, I looked straight down. I did not look at my weight until after the meeting. The leader of the meeting said, "good job" after she weighed me and I was very confused. I still would not look. I was afraid of being disappioned, and I knew I would not be able to prevent the tears. I felt close to rock bottom. The meeting was helpful and I began to feel better. I planned to buy a journal after the meeting, so I could grab a pencil to write down my feelings instead of grabbing a piece of chocolate.

While walking to my car, I looked at my weight. I lost 0.4 pounds for a total of 29.6 pounds lost. I began to cry as I saw how Jesus had not abandoned me. Saying "thank you" does not feel sufficient. The biblical thing to do is to share it with others. So, I'll be posting this very private blog entry on facebook for all my friends to see. Prayer works. I encourage you to try it.

Psalm 21

I originally intended to blog about a Psalm I discovered through Kathy; however, in my effort to conserve electricity while I ran the dryer, I did not have access to said quote from Gmail or Facebook. I do have the source, though. I could not recall which Psalm, but I thought 120 or so. It was not 120, but 121 is very close, if not better for me at this moment in time.

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

It makes me smile thinking how God is watching over me all of the time. The Maker of the universe is concerned with a sinful creature such as me? It is humbling with the right amount of self-importance.

Even more remarkable, this verse reflected my day. Last night, I decided to attend a Boot Camp class at the YMCA for a second time. This time, I was scared, because I had an idea of what to expect: partner work (I did not need a witness to my limited athletic ability) and HARD exercises (things I avoid, such as squats, push-ups, running with resistance bands and a partner holding me back, plus my two favorites: bear crawls and crab walks). So, I was worried about going but knew I’d feel better if I went. I turned to Jesus; I trusted that He would be with me and that all would be fine.

I arrived on time (luckily, the lights change quickly at 5:30 am on Friars). As class began, the instructor, Jason, said “hills.” As with most things he says, I did not fully know what this meant. I did know running up a hill would be involved. I sickly enjoy jogging up hills, so immediately I saw Jesus at work. I lift my eyes to the hills. We jogged east on Friars. I felt good; we jogged a gradual incline and came to a traffic light. I sprinted thinking we were done. On the contrary, we had just arrived at the foot of the hill. Drive up Via Las Cumbres some time and think about jogging up that. I walked most of it, because my meager attempt at jogging felt sluggish. I did not quite make it to the top of the hill. On the way down I let gravity take over. The velocity made me a little uncomfortable, but I trusted in Jesus. He will not let your foot slip. After jogging, we kicked some pads Jason held, then 5 push-ups, and completed jumping jacks while waiting in line. We grabbed one of those bars you can put weight upon. On the soccer field, we did squats/jumps and lunges. I was last, but I finished what I started (not what the others in the class completed, though). Then, he demanded bear crawls and crab walks. I only finished 1 of the 3 sets. While doing crunches, I was able to hear the song I liked last week, but was fuzzy on the details. That’s when I knew Jesus definitely wanted me at Boot Camp.

Oddly enough, I love Boot Camp. I like how it’s civilian boot camp, primarily. I also love the way I feel after the class. It’s an endorphin high. I feel pumped and ready to tackle the day. I don’t hit a wall of exhaustion in the afternoon. My brain is still tired, but overall, I’m less drained. I used to have a rule that I would not wake up before 6 a.m. by all means possible. This rule softened once I started believing in Jesus. I decided to meet Kristen at 6 a.m.; I woke up at 5:50, rolled out of bed, put on some clothes, and stumbled half asleep to the car. Then I moved, so now I wake up at 5:36 for the same process. Then I thought, hey why don’t I try this class that starts at 5:30 a.m. That fits my schedule better than the Pilates class from 6-7. I enjoyed the Pilates class, but I needed a challenge. I cannot challenge myself, so Jesus gives me the tools to challenge myself, and by his Grace, I enjoy it.

Praise Jesus for keeping me from harm, even when I’m my own enemy.

P.S. Kathy quoted Psalm 32:8.

Teens came; we talked; we conquered

Today was our first official meeting of IOB. I'm not sure if we conquered anything, but it was fun. I enjoyed meeting and interacting with the teens. I don't think I've been around teenagers since I was one. It was amusing to see them interact and listen to the gossip. Nothing radical happened. The earth did not shake. Perhaps, we planted a few seeds. I appreciated listening to the concerns of the girls regarding God. It's a new avenue for me to listen to others discuss God and to facilitate discussion. Sometimes I feel like one of the students. I'm not as well versed in the Bible as the other team leaders are. Lucky for me, it isn't a competition. We're starting with John. It will be a challenge to reread it through the lens of applying it to teens living in and near City Heights.
Just an update; I'll try to write something with more insight and intrigue later this week.

Matthew 14:29-31

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

We finally gather the courage to take the first step; then we begin to notice the wind. Circumstances worsen. We begin to wonder why we left the boat; there's safety in familiarity. We notice ourselves sinking and scream for Jesus. Immediately, He comes to our aid. Does this mean He will fix everything? No; the storm was still raging, but Peter did not drown, and neither will we.

I'm in the process of figuring out whether or not Jesus is asking me to step out of my boat. I just want to make sure He is truly calling me forward. I like my boat, but I know Jesus will be by my side whether I'm lounging on the beach or struggling in the eye of the storm. May Jesus reveal His plan for me. I'd like to get it right the first time, for once. =)

Jesus sent the disciples on the boat fully aware of the approaching storm. He called Peter off the boat during the storm. He sends us into storms every day, but He never leaves us (Isiah 43:2-3).

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your god, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

IOB

Tonight I met with the brethren of Youth Ministry for Harbor Mid-City. We hashed out the details and even sang/rewrote "Jack and Diane" by John Cougar Mellencamp. IOB is our slogan: Inward, Outward, and Beyond. I'm excited to begin next week and to begin our journey inward, outward, and beyond :)
I joined to share Jesus with others: to be a role model that I didn't necessarily have or recognize as a teen. I also wanted to learn more about the youth in City Heights: a country mouse is curious about how the city mice live.
As we plan the content for the teaching part, it is clear to me that I will also be learning more about God. I haven't read much of the Bible, so that will become expanded. I don't even know what I will learn, but I see a lot of potential.
My prayer for our group is from Acts 4:29-30 "Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus."
We need guidance and strength to speak God's truth; we need God to heal the brokenness among the teens (and ourselves), and miraculous signs are usually effective tools for entering into a relationship with Jesus. My goal with this group and with all of my interactions is to be a vessel for Jesus. He knows what people need to hear; he knows how to help them; I hope he uses me most effectively so I can help people as a girlfriend, friend, speech language pathologist, daughter, cousin, niece, acquaintance, stranger, and weirdo (to sum it all up).

"Little ditty about Jose and Diana...Suckin' on hot cheetos outside the Wienerschnitzel...Oh yeah, life goes beyond/long after the thrill of high school is gone"

Covenant Renewal Script

Here is the text of what I shared on Sunday 9/13/09, my spiritual birthday. Ironically, my baptism as a baby was also in September (9/2-ish/83).

Stephen asked me to share my story and I finally agreed. I will never have enough words to truly share my story, so this will have to do. I will share my obstacles to being a “Christian” and the process of entering into a relationship with Jesus.

The obstacles: I was raised Roman Catholic. I stopped believing while I was in college. I didn’t want to attend the non-denominational church on campus—it sounded watered down. I took a class studying the meaning of life and became frustrated with how intertwined the meaning of life was with one’s belief in God. Which God? How can there be so many religions if there’s only one God? Then there’s the issue of homosexuality—the God I grew up with loves everyone. Period. There were a few more issues, including the priest preaching for more money. The moment I stopped believing in God was when I learned the Bible was used to justify slavery.

The process of entering into a relationship with God began when I moved to San Diego. Some of you know Mary Orton. She first invited me to Harbor Uptown for Easter service in 2007. With a Catholic background, I was slightly confused. The pastor didn’t wear a robe, actual bread was used for communion, singing was emphasized, and people would hold up their hands. Strange as it was, it felt genuine. I was moved during the service and enjoyed food afterward. I didn’t return the next week. Mary didn’t give up, rather Jesus didn’t give up. Mary talked about a church plant that she was apart of. She invited me along. It was at the Brewster’s house. We ate lunch and worshipped. I had met Stephen at Uptown, but this is when I heard him preach. He acknowledged how some people do not believe in Jesus. I had never heard such a perspective. He addressed multiple religions. He believed in Jesus. I still wasn’t attending church plant meetings regularly. Then Harbor Mid-City debuted here at Hoover two years ago. Of course I had to go and check it out. Intermittently I’d come and see it grow each time. I’d feel welcome, but I wasn’t establishing relationships. Some time last summer I decided I needed to make a commitment to God if a relationship with Jesus were to happen. It was hard because I liked sleeping in and church was time consuming. I began to notice I was more productive on days I went to church. So I attended church regularly, but I still had issues. I still wasn’t convinced Jesus was real. Less than a year ago today I did not believe in Jesus. I’d have lunch with Stephen to work out some of my issues. He’d answer my questions and help me with the next step. I’m inpatient. It was not an easy process. But Stephen was right. I didn’t believe him at the time. Wrestling with God was the best part of my journey. It’s raw and honest. I’d pray to God—I need to see you in my life. Stephen described God as a playwright. I needed to see His authorship in my life. One of the first times God clearly answered my prayers was my community group. I wanted to join one, but I wasn’t sure how to choose one. I thought I wanted to join the bilingual one. About a year ago, I prayed He would help me find a group to join during the service. After the service, I met Paul and Amy in line for food. They needed new recruits for their group. I said ok. I’ll never forget our first meeting. We’re always laughing together. I also started reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, a former atheist. He presented an argument for Jesus. I responded to that. Once I was struggling with how God could listen to everyone’s prayers at once. The next time I picked up the book I noticed I had left off on the chapter about God and time. It was clear God was providing an answer. I saw Him answering my prayers.

I had lunch with Stephen and he told me “You’re there—you just don’t know it yet.” I think I saw it the last weekend of February of this year. The band played a song for Black History Month, “I don’t know what you came to do.” Everyone in church was out of their seats and clapping. It felt like one of those Black Southern churches you see in the movies or on TV. I appreciated God for giving me a glimpse of something I was always curious about. Shortly after that I began the Curious Discussion Forum led by Stephen. I was less curious and more convinced by that point. Stephen extended it to show us what it means to live as a Christian. I received a Bible—the first one I ever opened to read. Around Easter time I finally learned about forgiveness. I was upset with my sinful nature. I repented, but I didn’t forgive myself. That’s when Jesus dying on the cross and God’s grace finally came together in my head. If God can forgive me, then I can forgive myself.

So in two years I’ve seen Harbor move from a house to a high school. I remember when Leslie was first chosen as the vocalist. I remember meeting Edgardo and his wife before they agreed to join Harbor. Two weeks ago I returned to the Brewster’s house for a youth ministry meeting. I hadn’t been there since the church plant. He remembered one time when I was overwhelmed by Stephen’s message and needed to take a walk. So it feels like I’ve come full circle. As Harbor Mid-City has grown in Jesus, so have I.

On the Edge

This Sunday I'll be renewing my Covenant with God at my church. The timing is very appropriate. The church turns 2 years old and I saw it develop from the beginning on the sidelines.
Two verses have influenced my decision to renew my Covenant.
:Psalm 116:14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.:
This was the most influential one. When I read that one, I knew it would have to happen. God clearly chose when.
:John 3:5-8 Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again. The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.'":
I want to be like the wind and I can be through the Spirit. Also, at this point in my life, I do not know where I'm going. I used to say, I'd go wherever the wind blew me. I know a breeze is coming, but I'm not sure how strong it will be.
I'm about to embark on a journey with Jesus. He is my guide and my strength. I may not like it, but He will sustain me.
I'm still adjusting to my perspective shift. It's a gradual change that continues to grow. While I've changed, I'm still a sinner. I'm not perfect and I will make mistakes. I don't feel the guilt I used to; I feel liberated. It's ok to make mistakes, to acknowledge them and fix them as best that can be done. Jesus is working to make me more like Him, but I'll never BE Him. I want Him to work through me, so I can serve those around me.
I've been more anxious as of late, but I know that it's not for me to worry about. Not all of it, at least! So I ponder tonight on 09-09-09.

A drive down memory lane

I attended a launch meeting for youth ministry at Harbor. I have no experience with youth ministry. I heard about it through Adam and felt led. I have yet to find my service niche in Harbor. Helping Generate Hope has not been as successful as I would have liked. I suspect God has different plans for me.
The meeting was held at the same house where the seeds of Harbor Mid-City were originally planted. I attended occasionally, enjoying the food and atmosphere. As I was driving there tonight, I remembered the neighborhood. I recalled feeling overwhelmed spiritually during one of the meetings. I needed to cry and I needed privacy. Going for a walk is what I typically do when I need to get away and cry in a public venue. Not all of my walks are teary, do not fret if I decide to take a walk. Fortunately, I had my GPS, because I began doubting the way to the house based upon that walk nearly 2 years ago.
We dove into the nitty gritty immediately: What are your gifts and passions? Why are you here? Chris shares, then Adam shares. I share how I have no experience and am looking for opportunities to serve the community. Chris shared how he remembered the day I needed to go for a walk. He remembered how I was wrestling spiritually 2 years ago.
I couldn't believe he remembered. I generally think I'm a fade-into-the-background kind of girl, so I was surprised he even noticed me back then.
Through processing this information, a question remains.
Have I come full circle? In many ways, yes. I initially went to learn about this Jesus fellow. The purpose of the meeting was to launch a church. Tonight, I attended as a member of that launched church on the verge of launching a youth ministry/service/venue for teens at Harbor Mid-City. I'm inside the circle. Circles do not end; I am still cultivating my relationship with Jesus and enjoy the process. I've entered the circle as a follower of Jesus, who is trying to serve my community as He served his.

8.30.09 Part II: Jesus conquered death

Part of the reason why we tailgated was all the heaviness of life's circumstances. I feel like I've been hearing about death a lot lately from people whom I've come into contact. Usually death is more sporadic, but it's been in my face a bit this week. Each time the news of death comes closer and closer to my inner circle.
Shortly after the service began, Kelly asked to talk with me outside. It was fabulous to see her, but her tone indicated a serious discussion. I thought something happened to her personally. She began talking about her friend Ryan. We had hung out a few years ago when he lived in San Diego. We weren't close, but we'd chat if we saw each other on the street. So she mentions Ryan and I just knew death had struck again. He died in Hawaii. He was ready for round 2 of jumping from a waterfall and slipped. The Grim Reaper at least took him instantly.
I was shocked and teary-eyed.
We return to the service and I'm shaken but relieved to be sitting with my entire community group. I just needed them to be there. I didn't even share the news with anyone. I felt better sandwiched between 2 members; I felt surrounded by Jesus.
I began praying for Ryan's family, Kelly, and then something clicked. Jesus conquered death. He died and rose upward to Heaven. He fought our fight and kicked ass. He died so Ryan could return to Heaven. Yes, death is sad, but it also means we return to God and Jesus in Heaven. Jesus has prepared a room for us. I bet it's better than any room you've seen on Cribs or Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.
It's still a difficult thought with which to cope. Then the scripture read at church blew me away.
Philippians 4:10-13
I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Paul nailed the description. That's what I want. I want Jesus to be my center. I get distracted and sometimes he gets a little squished in the center or pushed out. Jesus walks with me wherever I go. He's lived life on earth once before; he can help me through it. He shares my joy and tears. He never walks away in disgust or becomes distracted by a cat or shiny lights (like I would).
I continue to see Jesus in my life and cannot adequately express my gratitude for his love and sacrifice for me and everyone else in the world.

8.30.09 Part I: Tailgating for Jesus

I can finally divulge the secret from my previous post. My community group and I decided to tailgate before church today. We had grills, electric skillets, chewable coffee, Jock Jams, sausage, eggs, pancakes, fried bananas, and a LOT of pep. We cheered when people arrived and offered food. We watched people react with a rather confused expression on their face. I think they liked it once they understood what we were doing.

We had a lot of fun; it was fulfilling to bring some randomness to church: an unexpected reason to smile.
I was also pumped for church. We had already been jamming to music outside, so I was ready once the band began. I definitely recommend tailgating before church. There's something to be said about rallying the troops before worship.

Our community group reached out to the church community. It rocked. WHOOOO!

Oh What a Night: Late Agosto en Dos Mil Nine

If things happen in sets of 3, then I have one more thing coming before...
The third thing happened while I was typing that-no lie. Let me explain from the beginning.
Today began as just another day. A fantastic day, but ordinary nonetheless. I woke up at 5:36 a.m. and met Kristen and Amy to jog by 6 a.m. We had a great run together. I returned home, prepared for work, and only arrived a few minutes late. I spent the day proctoring CELDT testing, knocked off a few things from my personal work to-do list, and called it a day. I made plans with Mary, so I came home with an agenda to clean. I washed dishes; I started a load of laundry; I picked up the clutter in my room. Mary called, she'd be over by 6 pm. I planned to commence cleaning the bathroom. I walked into the living room for a reason I can no longer recall. (Number 1) Something on the living room floor caught my eye. It. Is. A. Cockroach. Immediately, I'm distressed. Anxious, if you will. Talk about opportunity to put talk into action (see previous blog or 2). I returned to my room to put on a pair of sneakers (I was barefoot when I made this discovery) and grabbed a hiking shoe to smash it. My voice raises. Oh my God! How did you get in here? I walked forward to smash it. I walked backward in trepidation. Meanwhile, I'm asking God why is there a cockroach in my living room? A HUGE one at that. It wasn't moving. I threw my shoe (Who throws a shoe, honestly?) and MISS. La cucaracha no se movio. Relieved, I began praising God that He placed a dead cockroach in my house. If that thing moved, I would most likely have ran out of my house. Instead, I called John, a friend from graduate school. He used to be a neighbor and now we're neighbors again. He hadn't been over, but I had visited his apartment. Voicemail. I began rambling and tried to remain calm. Before I finished rambling, he returned my call. I sat and watched the cockroach while I waited. He arrived, picked up the dead monstrosity, and flushed it down my toilet. I handed him an ice cold Newcastle, and we started chatting. I was very thankful for the opportunity to see him and have him over. Even more thankful that he came over and disposed of the 'roach for me.
Living on my own right now is kind of a trial run as a homeowner without having the full responsibility of owning a home. So, I either need to become best friends with pest control or have a man on speed dial. Of course there's always option C: move back to NY, as I joshed in a voicemail to my bestest friend while I waited for John. "If this keeps up, I may move back to NY. Just kidding, but maybe..."
Mary arrived, we chatted, I cooked dinner; it was wonderful to have my friends over. Mary left and shortly after John did as well.
I opened the fridge to add more Newcastle and the light remained off. I figured I had a bum light bulb and resolved to replace it at some point. I could live without a fridge light for a little while, no problem. I went over to my computer to check my e-mail with intentions of blogging about tonight afterward. I'm disconnected from the internet and my laptop was running off its battery. I had left my computer plugged into the wall and I had internet. Bizarre. (Number 2) My microwave was also not working and I had left it plugged into the wall. Half of my house did not have electricity. After a brief Where's Waldo of circuit breakers, I flipped the switch off. I pushed it back down and it bounced upward. Perplexed, I tried again. And again. And again. I've exhausted my knowledge of circuit breakers. Not wanting to bug John again, I called a different John. No answer. I didn't bother with a voicemail. I called the original John. He googled some information and instructed me to unplug everything on the circuit breaker. It didn't work. Next, he advised calling my landlord or asking the neighboring landlord's son. I went next door, dragged my neighbor over, told him how the switch wouldn't stay down as it stayed down. That always happens to me. Something won't work when it's just me, but as soon as I seek help BAM! it works. So, I thanked him for watching me turn it back on.
I still needed to finish my laundry, so I restart the dryer. (Number 3) I power up my computer, and while typing the initial blog sentence the dryer shut off as well as the outlet for my laptop. With some time, the circuit breaker cooperated with me. I also discovered that my refrigerator is connected to a separate circuit breaker that I had shut off, so that's what that switch does...
As I write this blog, I believe everything is receiving juice. Most things are turned off, but the essentials are in fact operating.
I thank God for providing help from neighbors. I've been putting off the outreach, even after hearing Stephen preach about loving your neighbors and getting to know their names. Not to worry, God found ways for me to connect with neighbors anyway. I'd like to think I'd initiate something neighborly before the Christmas holiday, but it's doubtful. Although, I really don't want to find another cockroach, living or dead. I'm thankful for the help God provided to me. Considering the events of the night, everything worked out smoothly. I reached John twice and my neighbor was home and willing to come help.
If you're thinking of getting to know your neighbors, I recommend doing it before God gives you a reason out of necessity. Can I follow my own advice? I have my doubts, but Jesus can help. I still have a hard time believing all that happened tonight, but the paranoia of seeing another cockroach reminds that it's real.

Rejoice

It was incredible to see the gospel come alive in Adam and Kristen's living room tonight. We discussed Stephen's sermon about how to biblically combat anxiety. In Philippians, Paul advised rejoicing, which was the Roman equivalent of throwing a party (more or less) and prayer. You're stressed out about the little things? Celebrate Jesus in your life and pray hard. Share your worries with God. He can handle it. There's more depth to it that I cannot explain, but that's the gist.
The conversation fizzles, and we transition to prayer request. Adam discusses an eye-opening event of a close friend, and I share 2 tragic events in the lives of 2 co-workers that were shared with staff on the same day. Life and death type news. We were suffocating from the heavy news, weighed down from realizing how much we take for granted.
Someone mentions rejoicing. That is when a crazy, joyful idea was born. For a solid half hour the room filled with excitement while discussing the nitty gritty of our plans. I sat there watching Paul's advise work. I'm feeling his advise work. I stopped thinking about the sadness in life's circumstances. Driving home, I felt giddy anticipating Sunday. I felt light.
We didn't fix anything. We came together to support each other and our community. We'll come together to rejoice and celebrate Jesus. I cannot divulge details but anticipate blogging about it with a picture from the event.
I feel invincible with this group of people, because we're celebrating Jesus and we're doing it together. The stress did not go away, but it does not have to take center stage.
We're absolutely crazy; I look forward to sharing how we're crazy next week.

What if God were one of us?

Recently, I've been reading the Bible. I did not own one until earlier this year. I received a children's Bible for 1st Communion, but I had no desire to read it. I joined a Curious Discussion Forum and bought a Bible for $5. The group was assigned to read Mark's gospel. I read Mark, but also felt it was more appropriate to start at the beginning. That did not work; there's far too many names to skim over. The gospels may be repetitive, but at least they're not lists. (No offense, God, but my brain goes foggy with all the names).
Something I've noticed in the gospels is how Jesus appears to people without them immediately realizing it. For example, "Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus" (John 21:4). Of all people, you'd think the disciples would notice Jesus. I'm intrigued as to why Jesus temporarily disguises his identity. Then I began to think about family or friends or even complete strangers who say just the right thing or offer a hug exactly when I need it the most. Is it Jesus hugging me? Did he take the guise of another person, so he could bring me comfort? Is he the man on the street corner holding a sign for money? Is he the stressed out teacher or exhausted doctor? Is he within every person on this earth? Yes, we're all 'image-bearers' of God, but this would take it a step or 2 further. It's difficult to craft an argument from steam of consciousness, but I am reminded of Matthew 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" So is Jesus figuratively everyone on earth? Whether He is or is not, we should probably treat everyone as if He were. Would it be easier to serve others if we truly believed they were our Lord? Of course, but can I convince myself everyone embodies Jesus? Not in the heat of the moment. It's always easier when people are playing nicely. This must be where prayer and Jesus come into play. Dressing up as Christ, as C.S. Lewis [side note: Adam, I'm giggling as I write his name] describes in Mere Christianity. Jesus, please give me the strength and patience to serve others as you would serve them. Give me words of wisdom and comfort. Help me remember to praise you as I am truly blessed exponentially. Amen.

Joy: Philippians 3:15-4:1

The reason I created a blog was to reflect spiritually on life and share my thoughts when I read the Bible. I have a record like a diary and the control from google to allow people to read my blog by invitation only. So far, it's been more diary than Bible reflections. My goal would be to write at least once a week reflecting on a Bible verse. Really, it's just an outlet for me to pray. I liked the concept of writing my reflections, but was not motivated to write in a journal. God planted a seed in my mind to blog, and here I am.

After 2 or 3 weeks away from Harbor, I was excited to attend the good word today. The scripture we looked at was Philippians 3:15-4:1. Here is what caught my attention 3:18-4:1
"many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await our Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!"

The undertone of this passage is forgiveness and that is something, at times, I struggle to wrap my pea-brain around. I'm forgiven, but I still sin. God's grace is just unfathomable. I don't deserve it, but I have it. Now that I'm typing, everything seems pretty clear. Simple, even. The people with their mind on earthly things reject God. While I had rejected God, I now embrace Him. I try to live according to His will and constantly ask Jesus to help me. After all, he's already done it perfectly. I do things imperfectly. What I find fascinating is that at times my stomach is my God and my mind is on earthly things. I repent and ask for strength. I acknowledge the error in my ways when I am aware of them.

The second point I found interesting is that we can stand firm in the Lord by waiting. Sounds passive, right? We aren't sitting, twiddling our thumbs; we are waiting in faith. Jesus nourishes us, giving us the strength to wait and to persevere. To serve, to love when we are tired, selfish, and hateful. To point the way to Jesus. I have a really hard time loving people when they cut me off in traffic or leave their blinker on after changing lanes; however, I try to spend less time stewing over it and remember that sometimes *gasp* I leave my blinker on after changing lanes.

Waiting means we need patience. In this "gotta-have-it-now" society? Right. Patience. I like how Paul tells us to wait, because he talks as if it will happen. It will happen, and it's worth the wait. We won't be sinful, lowly bodies forever. I do not know what it will look like when we have the kingdom of heaven here on earth, but I'm willing to wait in faith. And that faith brings me joy that is difficult to waver.