Compassion

Compassion: (noun)

a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering
[dictionary.reference.com]

Yes, I am compassionate. Taking the Myers Briggs Personality test has been a blessing. I finally understand myself. 1% of the population has my personality type. No wonder I felt misunderstood, but I'm adaptable, so I accepted my weirdness and moved forward. I am Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving. Organization is not a strength of mine. I had started thinking I had ADHD as I have difficulty with executive functions. No, it's my personality not ADHD.

Here is a classic example of my compassion. My counseling was telling me to imagine a student who is an INFP (like myself) and how alone he or she must have felt. I responded by expressing my desire to identify that student among the ones I work with at my school. My counselor said that she was talking about me when I was growing up! She was trying to point out my loneliness caused by having one of the less popular personality types.

Famous people who were also Intuitive Feeling (NF) include Mother Teresa, Joan of Arc, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Gandhi. It explains why I have always admired Martin Luther King, Jr. and Gandhi. This summer I read a book about Mother Teresa. I wanted to move somewhere and start living as she did.

I am a compassionate person. I'm not comparing myself to any of the famous NF personality types, either. When I stopped believing in God, I was still compassionate. I felt hopeless. I could not fix the problems in the world. When I first accepted Jesus into my life, I felt like I had to fix everything. I started carrying the burdens of others on my own shoulders. I'm not strong enough for that; plus, I discovered my sin of trying to do Jesus' job. Yikes. I need a Savior!

Through pastoral counseling, God has shown me how to use my compassion in my prayers. I can see people's needs. I see beyond what my senses tell me. It's not my job to provide for their needs. That is God's job. I pray to God, reminding him of his promises and sharing the needs I see among his people. Fortunately, even if I assess their needs incorrectly, God knows their needs perfectly.

My spiritual life feels like a fireworks display. It has exploded, and I ooh and aww as I see God's responses to my prayers light up my life. Last year I started writing devotionals for a friend. I enjoyed writing them, but there was also an element of duty, an element of dread. It's obvious when I'm writing to cross it off my to-do list. Now, I see writing a devotional as my time with God. It's what I need to do to prepare for my day. On mornings that I start by reading a chapter from the Bible and writing about it, I feel joyful and see that joy spilling outwardly. This is what I had been praying about over the summer. I wanted to be God's empty vessel so that he may fill me with his joy and pour it out for others to experience.

Through counseling, I learned that I need to share all of my thoughts with God. When I start to feel anxious or when I want to check my e-mail or cell phone or when I want to eat anything in sight, I know that I'm hiding from my feelings. I'm reaching out to idols instead of God. On a Saturday, I practiced acknowledging my thoughts before my God. He made my path straight, just like he said he would in Proverbs 3.

Combining God's promises in the Bible with my compassion is what God created me to do. I'd like to think that there is more God wants me to do, but this is no small task, either. I take prayer seriously. I believe in it. The book of Mark is revolutionary. Jesus calls us to pray believing our request will be granted. When I pray for my brothers and sisters in Haiti, I remind God about his promises to provide for those who believe in him. I trust him to provide for his beloved in Haiti. He says he will. Sure the stories from Haiti are grim. Yes, people have died. God sees our broken world and weeps. God is compassion. God is love. God yearns to have a relationship with those he created. Yes, he wants a relationship with his messy, sinful creatures. He loves us despite our sins. He sent his son to die for our sins, so he could have access to us. Jesus bridges the gap between God and humans. I also pray for the little things with the same conviction. God provides all of our needs no matter how big and no matter how small.

I feel like a preacher. I feel like I'm standing on a soap box. Sometimes I feel like I cannot adequately explain all of my thoughts. I realize this may not make sense for the Sensing, Thinking, Judging personality types.

I am just sharing my personal relationship with Jesus. I delight in the fact that everyone has their own unique relationship with him. Everyone has their own unique needs and only God can provide for those needs.

It's like I finally understand what my pastor has been talking about for the past 3 years. When you're filled with the good news, you want to share it out of love with those in your life.

I'm not judging your beliefs or opinions. I understand what it is like to reject God. People who believe in Jesus are sinful creatures. We make mistakes; it's why we need a Savior in the first place. I also believe that God is bigger than our mistakes. He can heal our wounds. He can fix our mistakes. One day, God will come to alleviate all suffering. He will wipe the tears from our eyes (Revelation 21: 4), because he loves us so much. I hope I am able to wipe the tears of joy from his eyes. I almost dare not to dream such a thing, but I know that nothing is impossible through God (Matthew 19:26).

Triumph

You all make think I'm crazy; I accept that. Just please don't think I'm slovenly as I share this story.

God woke me up this morning, 15 minutes before my alarm was set ring. I would have preferred more sleep, but we both knew I had a lot of things to do this morning before work. I washed my sink full of dishes and then read Revelation 17. I wrote about verse 14 and e-mailed it to my spiritual spam group of people.

Then I started to make breakfast. A dear friend gave me kale last night, because she would eat it before she left town. I decided to make kale chips. When I opened my cabinet to retrieve a glass baking dish, I saw a LIVE cockroach on my cutting board above the dish I desired. I freaked out, grabbed roach spray, sprayed the mangy thing as it hid behind my larger glass baking dish with its blue cover resting over it, so I could not see where it was. I shut the cabinet door, deciding to wait until after work to deep clean and spray.

I re-enter my kitchen a few minutes later to see the cockroach on the bottom of my cabinet, exiting the scene of the crime.

I go to my room to grab a slipper to smash it. I put my sneakers on just in case I missed. Then, I said a prayer that I truly believed. I've asked for God's help before, but I did not truly believe he'd help me. So I prayed with Revelations 17: 14 in mind. Jesus, you triumph over evil. I do not know if this is evil, but I need you in this situation. When I returned to the kitchen, the cockroach was moving across my kitchen floor. I was moved by the Spirit to run up and stomp on it. I stomped multiple times as I needed it to become unstuck from the bottom.

I called my mom to share my victory. All the while saying, "Eww, I can't believe I stepped on a cockroach."

It was such a blessing to witness God take care of me. Jesus protects me from the evil and the cockroaches in the world. He knows my heart, but he also knows what I am capable of through his love. He dwells within me. I see Proverbs 3: 6 come true in my life. God keeps his promises, and the Bible is a book filled with promises.

Deeper understanding

I poorly maintain my blog; I have a section called Prayer: completely based upon Mark 11: 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

This verse scared me. I did not dare believe in it in case my prayer went unanswered. Sometimes I want things that I do not need as much as I think I do. I knew my sinful nature would interfere with the sincerity such prayer required. I was afraid to test it out.

Now, I think I actually understand it. In Nehemiah 1: 8-9, Nehemiah references a promise God made. God is always faithful.

When I pray, I remind God of his qualities and ask him to show up. I tell him that I need those things to be true. I pray in light of scripture. What do I know about God? What descriptions from the Bible do I see a need for in the lives of my loved ones? That is how I'm beginning to pray. With a biblical basis, I can believe that God will answer it, because of 2 Timothy 2: 13 if we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself.

But the greatest of these is love

After work today, I went to a local grocery store for a school fundraiser. I helped bag people's groceries. On the way out, people were collecting receipts. I literally just stood there bagging groceries for strangers. People thought I worked there despite wearing street clothes.

One woman gave me a hug after I bagged her groceries. It was a genuine hug, too, not one of those weak hugs.

I think this event was so moving for two reasons. The first is that I'm fascinated that acomplete stranger insisted on giving me a hug for something so common. I used to work at a grocery store; I actually liked bagging groceries. It's my version of puzzles (I hate actual puzzles). Take note I use the word "liked" after not having worked in a grocery store for 5 years.

The second reason is that it caused me to think about how often I hug others in my own life. There are some friends that I do hug every time I see him or her. Yet, in general, I do not hug others very often.

I often remember the movie Crash and the following line: "Graham: It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something" (imdb.com).

The woman who hugged me has no idea how much I appreciated that hug. So, it also makes me think about how I can never be sure the effect of my actions upon another person. I never know what I say will be remembered by my students. I know the phrases I'd like them to remember, but the phrases I consider unimportant may be the very phrases they remember for a lifetime. Of course, I'm assuming I say something important enough to be remembered in the future. Maybe it's not the words that are important but the high fives and the pats on the back.

A day in the life of a Speech Language Pathologist

This picture is from 2 years ago. A student wrote "I love Miss. D." My students steal my heart every day. I am so blessed to see them learn and to see them grow. The classroom teacher sees them every day for a year. I see them 1-2 times a week, but I have been working with some of the same students for 3 years.

Today a student was asking me if I'd rather be in school or have a job. I told him I have the best of both worlds with my job. I get a paycheck but follow a school schedule. But that's not why I love my job.

I have a lot of fun interacting with my students and listening to them. Kids love to talk; I think it's very important that they have an audience, even if it's an audience of one. Being heard is important. I enjoy listening to my students, even if I cannot understand them.

So what do I do all day? I really do play all day in between the paperwork, testing, report writing, and scheduling of meetings (and rescheduling; of 7 scheduled meetings this week, only 4 occurred).

I watched a group of first graders play with toys and describe elaborate scenarios. I listened to them tell me all about transformers and Optimus Prime. I helped a group of second grade students write each step of their soccer trick. I played Uno with a group of third grade boys working on producing their speech sounds spontaneously. I played Guess Who with a 7th grade student. I showed a few yoga poses to a group of 4th and 5th grade boys but found it more effective when one of the students taught the poses.

A student gave me a Tweety silly band.

I worked with a 6th grade student who seemed to be having an off day.

I took orders from a first grade student as he asked me to put the envelope I needed him to give to his mom in his cubby. I laughed as I let him delegate. Perhaps one day he will be a manager or CEO.

I was asked a question to which I didn't know the answer. I wish I could remember the question; this student always has a question.

I watch these students grow, and I pray to God that He uses me to help them.

Standing on my soap box

While in Chicago, I read the following article in the NY Times, in my Ipod touch.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/11/07/us/07bully.html?pagewanted=1&sq=tolerance%20public%20school&st=cse&scp=1

This article merged my old "secular humanist" world with my current "Christian" world. The article reminded me as to why I'm not a fan of the label "Christian," yet I can finally accept it, because I am a follower of Christ.

The article discusses how school districts are trying to promote acceptance of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered students and families while receiving backlash from heterosexual families concerned that students are hearing about such topics too explicitly or too soon.

Here is a haunting quote: “Anyone who reads this document can see that it promotes acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle,” one mother said at a six-hour school board meeting in late September.

I believe acceptance is precisely the point! Her quote seems to indicate that American culture has not yet fully accepted the homosexual lifestyle.

Here is when the term "Christian" begins to be thrown into the mix: “Of course we’re all against bullying,” Mr. DeMato, one of numerous pastors who opposed the plan, said in an interview. “But the Bible says very clearly that homosexuality is wrong, and Christians don’t want the schools to teach subjects that are repulsive to their values.”

As a Christian (and I hope I don't screw up the gospel in this post), my heart sank as I read the article. Who made Christians the ultimate judges of what to teach?

How dare someone challenge Christian values.

So, lets discuss Christian values. The Bible also says not to lie, steal, covet thy neighbor's goods (which seems to be the core of capitalism), etc. Clearly, we are all guilty of violating God's laws. The law is intended to show us our own need for a Savior. Enter Jesus Christ. He came to die for our sins. Who did Jesus spend much of his time with aside from the Apostles? The sick, the abandoned outcasts of society, prostitutes, tax-collectors: the people with whom the Pharisees (a self-righteous group who made up laws to follow to please God) refused to associate.

Therefore, as Christians, I'm fairly certain we should spend our time loving those who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered.

This last quote moves me as an educator. But one of the objecting parents, Tammi Shulz, who describes herself as a traditional Christian, said, “I just don’t think it’s great to talk about homosexuality with 5-year-olds.”

It seems like a valid point, correct? How can one argue with such a point? Who wants to steal a piece of innocence from a child? This year is my third year as a speech language pathologist. This year, I work with a 4 year old who has two mothers. The little girl is adopted and will be given a plethora of opportunities that her (heterosexual) birth mother could not provide. The other day a kindergarten teacher told me how one of the female students I work with wants to be a boy. There is a first grade student who also has two mothers.

Like it or not, age 5 may not be too young after all.

Out of curiosity, does the term "traditional" Christian imply there is a "radical" or "liberal" Christian? Jesus and his teachings were radical. He calls us to do radical things, like love those who are poor and marginalized. He calls us to love people who make us feel uncomfortable. I fail at this all the time, which is why I praise Jesus for loving everyone. He loves the "traditional" Christians, the rich, the poor, the atheists; he loves you and me. Jesus knows who we are and loves us so much.

I truly would like some thoughts and feedback from my Christian friends. Part of the reason why I stopped believing in God was related to how "Christians" did not accept homosexual people. I'm new to the Christian world and I'd like to hear others' opinions.

I run to be

Nike's slogan for their 2010 marathon was "I run to be" with space for each participant to describe why he or she runs. After much contemplation, I finally have an answer. I run to be SOCIAL.

I began running cross country my junior year of high school. Why? I joined the team because most of my friends were on the team. It was another way to hang out with them. The underlying theme responsible for my running is also to burn calories. I love to eat, as evidenced by my many posts about food. While I type, I'm baking pumpkin cookies. The reason I'm able to continue running is because it's a social activity for me.

After high school, I stopped running. I'd go for the occasional jog; sometimes, I'd even jog consistently for 2 weeks. Running was not an activity I could maintain by myself.

For eight years, I essentially stopped running.

Then, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. He really does know our innermost desires. I met Kristen. She started running by herself in April 2009. I invited myself to tag along. She graciously allowed me to crash her morning jog. We have met 2-3 times a week at 6 in the morning to jog or walk or do (pre) prenatal yoga since then. We have welcomed Amy into our morning routine as well. Not only do we have someone else to hold us accountable to get out of bed in the morning to exercise, but we are also able to share our lives with each other. Their counsel has been a crucial part of my life. And now, since Kristen and Amy are both pregnant, I'm able to take mental notes about the joys and quirks of pregnancy, if I should ever need such notes.

In January of this year, Kristen mentioned running a half marathon. It was something we were talking about. Not once did I imagine I'd run 2 half marathons in 2010. I always thought running for 2-3 hours was crazy. I even called it stupid. I would never run that far. I'm learning to remove the word "never" from my vocabulary, so I don't have to say that I was wrong.

Running is part of my routine. Now, I can jog by myself, but I prefer to run with a friend, because I run to be social.

Power bar success

Before I left for San Francisco, I shared my plan to bring enough food for the trip so I could spend my money at retail stores.

I packed at least 16 pumpkin power bars (2 different recipes) and 12 cocoa power balls. I also made 4 peanut butter, pumpkin butter, and jelly sandwiches. I brought 5 apples and home made trail mix. I also brought my own tea bags plus an empty Nalgene bottle.

I spent 2.74 on a tea at a cafe on Sunday to get out of my hotel, warm up after walking in the rain, and to use free internet.

Twice I asked for a cup of hot water (once at Philz coffee--the dude taking my order looked at my like I was crazy).

As you can see in the picture, I visited one of my favorite stores, Lush. I also bought a pair of earrings at Nordstrom's for a penny. Seriously, just one cent is all I gave to the cashier.

All of the restaurants in San Francisco were very tempting. I contemplated treating myself many times, especially at some cupcake store called Cako. But I stuck to my budget. This just means I need to plan another trip to the Bay area and choose restaurants over shopping.

A Desi Girl

What I made for lunch today--

mango lassi:
Bottom layer: grapes and toasted almonds

then raita, then garbanzo beans, and then the curried chicken

"Desi Girl" is the name of a song in which I have learned some choreography to in my Bollywood dance class. A desi girl is an American born Indian girl. I have decided that I am a pseudo-desi girl. My friend likes to sing "Caucasian girl" instead of Desi girl when we listen to the song.

Anyway, today my delightful Bollywood dance partner in crime came over to practice. I decided I'd make an Indian dish for lunch. I almost made chicken vindaloo as an homage to Outsourced. I found a fantastic recipe on epicurious.com. It was so good, I now want to make Indian food all the time. I bought garlic naan at Trader Joe's, and I made up my own recipe for a mango lassi.

Here is the recipe for the curried chicken, spiced garbanzo beans, and raita: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Curried-Chicken-Salad-with-Spiced-Chickpeas-and-Raita-243206

For the mango lassi, I blended mango, mint, nonfat plain greek yogurt, and skim milk. I used about 2 oz of yogurt, between 1/2 and a whole cup of milk, 5 or so mango sliced that Trader Joe's sells pre-cut, and a some mint. I think I should have added more mango.

Pumpkin power bars take 2

I tried this recipe: http://lilveggiepatch.com/2010/08/28/chococolate-pumpkin-protein-bars/

I substituted ground flax seed for protein powder; maple syrup for agave; dried cranberries for prunes.

I was only able to spread the mixture into about half of an 8 x 13 pan; however I cut 9 bars, and I believe the recipe said 8 servings.

I definitely prefer the taste of this power bar to the first version I made. I think it's because this recipe has peanut butter.

I ate one for breakfast this morning along with a baby apple and a glass of milk; it was filling. Delicious and nutritious!

Power bars

This Sunday I will be running my second half marathon in 2010. I will be traveling to San Francisco for the Nike Women's marathon. People who want to participate must enter a lottery. I joined a group with my co-worker. If one member of the group is picked, the entire group is able to participate in the race. I'm not sure which one of us was picked, but we are all running!

The race starts near Union Square, therefore my hotel is also near Union Square. This means I will be in close proximity to one of the best shopping spots in San Francisco. My favorite bath and body store, Lush, will be within walking distance. My point is, I plan on bringing as much food as I can, so I don't have to purchase food. The money I save can go toward a controlled shopping spree in Lush. At least, that's the plan.

I have canned pumpkin to use, so I decided to try this recipe for pumpkin energy bars: http://cycleandstyle.com/2009/10/pumpkin-energy-bars/

I substituted apple sauce for canola oil; cloves and cardamom for pumpkin pie spice (I used pureed pumpkin pie filling); and wheat germ instead of flax seed.

As a power bar, it tastes decent.

I also tried a recipe from a vegan website claiming to have a recipe similar to a Clif bar type of which I've never heard. Here's the recipe: http://chocolatecoveredkatie.com/2009/10/13/make-these-now/

I wanted to use the dark cocoa powder she recommended, but I did not want to make a trip to the store. I used Hershey's unsweetened cocoa powder. I did not have dates, so I used dried cranberries. Again, they taste descent. I have to set aside my desire for a delicious desert type flavor. I made power bars not cookies.

I'd make them both again. I hope to try a different pumpkin power bar recipe tomorrow.

Pumpkin waffles

Pumpkin is my favorite vegetable. I enjoy making pumpkin enchiladas. One day I want to make a pumpkin soup or pumpkin curry. This morning, I made pumpkin waffles. I followed this recipe: http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/Pumpkin-Waffles-104264

I made the following substitutions:

I used 2 eggs and 2 egg whites

1 1/2 cups of milk

1/2 cup of Trader Joe's spiced apple cider

I used pumpkin pie filling (I actually prefer plain pumpkin, but I was careless in the grocery store)

I substituted wheat germ for butter.

The waffles I made are good, but they could be better. A similar recipe added vanilla extract. I think that's a good start. :)

Banana Waffles

On October 3, I made banana waffles. I think making waffles has become one of my newest hobbies.

I do not remember the recipe I followed, but it smelled delicious as it cooked.

A thoughtful gesture

I work in a low-income neighborhood. I wouldn't want to work anywhere else. Teachers may receive gifts occasionally, but I do not typically receive gifts. My job is rewarding enough, so gifts aren't really necessary. Wanting a gift is just my greedy-only child-who-loves-presents side that rears its ugly head once in a while.

On Wednesday October 6, I had a meeting with a parent. I work with her son and her daughter. She and her daughter brought guava that was ripe from the tree in their yard. I had to ask her how to cut it up as I have only seen guava in its liquid form. It was so sweet (the gesture and the fruit).

The perfect example...

So this story is actually about one of my memorable teaching moments.

My trip to Haiti has inspired me to use soccer as an activity to teach language. I'm also selfishly trying to gain some soccer skills before my second trip in December. My motivation is largely selfish, but my students are very excited to play soccer.

The best part is that after they do a trick with the ball, I have them explain what they did. We wrote out the instructions, then I asked them what they did first, second, last, etc. My selfish idea is actually quite brilliant.

Anyway, a group of 3rd grade boys were a bit too rowdy with the soccer ball. The concept of being in a classroom meant nothing to them. In demonstrating that they do not need to kick their leg as high as they can or with all of their might, I kicked up my leg and watched my shoe fly across the room.

I'm pretty sure my point was lost as they howled with laughter.

Triple 10

I'd like to post a special devotional for the 10th day of the 10th month in the 10th year of the millennium.

Romans 10: 10

For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

I am justified in God's eyes, because I believe in Jesus in my heart. I am saved, because I confess my sins with my mouth. Nowhere does it say that I am saved, because I volunteered at my church's youth ministry or traveled to Haiti. I am not saved because of what I do. (Amen!) I am saved because of what Jesus did. I am saved because I put my faith in Jesus, and I confess my sins. I have many sins to confess, but I am loved by God anyway. God's love is bigger than my mistakes. God's love is not contingent upon what I do for him. God's love me because I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139).

I was reminded of this at a Harbor-wide church service in Balboa Theatre downtown in Horton Plaza (a shopping mall). Harbor celebrated 10 years today at 10:00 a.m. Here is a link: http://www.harborpc.org/ If you click on the link, Mid-City is the site I attend.

Richard P. Kaufmann preached about being a gospel pace-setter. The first step in doing this is preach the gospel to yourself. His message was important for me to hear. He talked about his own personal sin, how he would beat himself up or try to implement specific techniques to stop worrying. I recognized that in myself. Recently, I feel like I'm in a washing machine. I go from beating myself up to trying strategies until I receive God's grace. Mr. Kaufmann reminded us the importance of preaching the good news to ourselves. Only when he confessed his sins and reminded himself of his own righteousness through Jesus did he feel peace.

Today is at least the second time I've heard the idea of living today as a thank-you note to Jesus. Before I set that as a goal, I think I'll continue to remind myself of the good news and let my joy flow outward, so I may love my neighbors.

There's something about Haiti and babies...

When I arrived in Carrefour, the McLanes shared the good news that they were expecting a third baby.

When I returned to San Diego, the Reams shared that they were also pregnant. They have an indirect connection to Haiti, but they are part of the baby craze.

In August, Wilbert, one of the interpreters, shared that his wife was pregnant.

Recently, I found out that a member from the trip is pregnant.

Today I found out that Wilbert's wife had their baby. More details should be forthcoming.

Father, I pray for these growing families. Welcome these precious babies into your family with open arms. Father, I ask that you keep these babies on your path of righteousness. May these children always know your love. May their parents share their faith and point to your son, Jesus, always.

Human being

It's pretty incredible how God communicates. Sometimes it's in the form of a cold or allergies or a sinus infection. I honestly have no idea what ails me, but I am weak and tired. My sinuses are stuffed and my head is in a fog. So my head being in a fog is nothing new, but I am rundown.

I rested on the weekend, but it was difficult. I still did a few things. I tried to take a nap on Sunday, but I could not sleep with a runny nose and a fan blowing in my face.

As I drove to work, thinking perhaps I should have stayed home, I realized I needed to take the afternoon off. No attending cardio hip hop or my community group. While I was not a fan, I realized spending time to rest was much needed. I don't let myself do nothing anymore. I still waste time, but I always feel the need to do something. I think this is why my schedule is still unsettling. I still feel really busy despite having Wednesdays and Fridays after work unscheduled. Thursdays I have 2 dance classes, which are super fun but counts as "scheduled" time. Ironically, Wednesdays when I'm home by myself I often feel the saddest, because I'm home, and I don't know what to do with my free time. Friday I finally scrap-booked after at least a year. This evening I finally feel well enough to read. The fog is lifting, I assume, because of the Tylenol.

I think in being sick, I'm actually taking time for myself. I'm not putting pressure on myself to dust off old hobbies or to schedule time to relax. Now that I'm sick, I can only do what I have energy to complete. Tonight that includes a lukewarm bath, reading the Prodigal God, and drinking cocoa. Yes, I will drink cocoa in this unbearable heat; it's my "everything in moderation" chocolate fix. Don't judge. :-p

Beauty

While walking down the street, I was reminded once again of the source of my beauty. The answer, as always, is Jesus. He is the only beautiful thing inside me, and his brilliance radiates from my being. Whether I feel ugly or not, I know I am always beautiful in Christ.

God communicates so well

God coordinates so much and so well. I have a devotional to read by Sarah Author this year. I confess, I have not read it since June. Today I read an entry, and it brings me to Psalm 119. I continue reading and find a stanza that fully captures where I am spiritually.

I just wanted to take the time to recognize how God was able to communicate with me today. I am thankful He is able to coordinate Sarah's thought-process for that specific day in June while God knew I would not read it until September.

God, you so tender and caring. Thank you for your perfect love.

Psalm 119: 132-136

Turn to me and have mercy on me, as you always do to those who love your name.

Direct my footsteps according to your word; let no sin rule over me.

Redeem me from the oppression of men, that I may obey your precepts.

Make your face shine upon your servant and teach me your decrees.

Steams of tears flow from my eyes, for your law is not obeyed.

Dreams

I meant to blog about a dream I had in August, but, evidently, I did not. It felt too personal to share.

I had a dream that I saw Zick, my brother in Haiti. This dream felt so real, I wonder if somehow God truly connected us through this dream. It was such a blessing, because at that point I had not heard from my brother. I was slightly disappointed that I had not heard from him, but my faith was in God, and I trusted he was keeping Zick safe.

Last night, I had a dream similar in vividness. I was sitting on a roof in Haiti. It was not the same area in which I had visited. In my dream, I thought, Wow, I'm really in Haiti. I knew I was not truly there, but it felt like it. My dream was a paradox, because I felt like I was in Haiti while realizing I was not. While sitting on the roof, a car drives by and I see Zick. We wave to each other. Also, in my dream I had received a second e-mail from Zick. (In real life, I did receive an e-mail from Zick 2 weeks ago.)

I am thankful for these dreams. I appreciate feeling connected to Haiti.

I am returning December 27-January 2. I am excited to return and to celebrate the new year in Carrefour. What a special way to start 2011. I am still in the process of finalizing my trip details, but I am planning to return. It's hard for me to believe that I will return, but I'm also really excited. Dorly's birthday is January 2, so I will bring him a birthday present. I realize I cannot guarantee that I will see him, or Zick, or Wilbert. I will be staying at the same house in July, so I appreciate being able to return to the same area. I can actually see what has changed since July.

I trust God completely with this trip; I know He has already planned it for me. I do hope that I do not miss any flights this time around, but I accept God's plan as my own. God is good, all the time!

God is my Protector

On Sunday, I parked my car in my parking spot in the ally. I heard an announcement from a circling helicopter. The police were looking for a 185 pound male with a buzz cut wearing a white tank top and black shorts. Usually, I am inside my house when I hear similar announcements, so I was in a hurry to enter my house and lock the door.

Monday morning, I went to grab my keys from my purse as I was ready to leave for work. My keys were not in my purse. I searched the house but did not find them. My thought process led me to suspect I left my keys in the front door. I have done this twice before. I opened the door and found them in the lock, where I had left them.

I was in awe of God's power. I left my keys in the front door. I thought I was safe, when, in fact, my house was wide open to anyone who wanted to enter. My car keys were available.

So, I am singing God's praises. I am so thankful that He protects me. Sure, I can lock a door and feel safe, but only in God's provisions am I truly safe.

God is good, all the time

I have to be honest; I had been dreading Saturday.

Recently, I've been working toward clearing my schedule and learning to embrace solitude.

Somehow, I planned a full Saturday. This was the plan: early morning jog, 2 cardio hip-hop dance classes, eye appointment, City Fest, and 80s dance party.

God gave me the motivation to jog 6.3 miles this morning. I also jogged the entire time, so I'm also thankful God gave me the strength and endurance to start and finish. I attended cardio hip-hop class #1, but #2 was cancelled. I realized God gave me the gift of free time. I don't have to do it all. I began to think about how I could use my free time. I originally planned to read a chapter from 2 Corinthians and write my daily devotional. Instead, I chose to help my friend set up for the 80s party that happened tonight. I just realized I haven't written my devotional for Saturday. Oops. Sorry, God!

My eye appointment went well. It took far too long to order my glasses and contacts, partially because the guy helping me was new and still learning the ropes. It wasn't a problem, and the timing actually worked out.

City Fest was beautifully orchestrated by God. We saw Kirk Franklin perform in the Elite section, because Carla is kind of a big deal. There are a few songs on Zick's Ipod by Kirk Franklin, which is how I had heard of him. I appreciate anything that reminds me of Haiti. I prayed for Zick and enjoyed the music.

The 80s party was fun; I saw a new side of my San Diego friends. It was a blast (from the past...).

After the party, I checked my e-mail. I received an email from Zick! I hadn't heard from him since my trip in July. I'm so thankful I heard from him. I knew not to worry, because I trust God to take care of him. I don't need to hear from him. He's my brother. It is a bond that endures distance and time.

I'm just so thankful God showed up today. Today was a gift; I can't believe I was dreading it.

A glimpse of God's love

I have a unique job. I'm a speech language pathologist at an elementary school. Often, it's easier for me to say I'm a teacher (especially at the Apple store for my discount), but then people ask what grade I teach. I'm blessed to work with students between ages 3 and 13. I get to follow my students from grade to grade. I see longitudinal cross-sections. I do not see them as often their teacher does, but I continue to work with them after they have been assigned a new teacher.

This is the start of my third year at the same school (I praise God, and I'm so thankful!). I do my best not to play favorites, especially when I'm leading a group. But I am human and some students have captured my heart. To be fair, most of my students have my heart; some just have a tighter grip.

A coworker commented how I really do love my students. I care about their future. I know I won't know what happens, which makes me care even more.

Yesterday I was pondering how most of my students will never fully understand how much I care. This fact made me think that this must be how God feels all the time. He loves me so much that I cannot even fathom it. I cannot understand the vastness of His love. Jesus died for my sins, because He loves me. Jesus died knowing that I would not return his love, that I would continually stumble and sin.

God knows what will happen to my students, because they are His children. He will take care of them. I only ask that He uses me to serve their needs; their needs that only God truly knows.

Slipping away?

I've reached a point in which I've become comfortable with my routine (more or less...). I've re-adjusted to life in the States. I feel like a drone.

How do I preserve my experience in Haiti? One option is remembering the faith I learned and witnessed there. This task is enough to keep me busy, but it is not enough. Perhaps it should be sufficient.

I do not have trip #2 planned. I have not returned to the Haitian church service. I owe Wilbert an e-mail. He asked for creation pictures; I have none to offer.

I feel disconnected from Haiti. Perhaps ordering pictures and scrapbooking would help. I could create a personal, spiritual reminder of my trip. Plus, I've wanted to sift through my blog posts and create an overview letter to send out (most likely at Christmas time).

I will be making a Haitian dish for a church potluck, so that is a nice reminder.

Feeling disconnected--perhaps it has nothing to do with Haiti. Perhaps, I am feeling disconnected with God. I still feel like there's something more I should be doing for my Haitian brothers and sisters.

Is this what happens after a mission trip? Life returns to normal? I don't think I can accept that.

Dwelling

Dwelling, to me, typically means I am over-thinking. I constantly churn the thought in my head until it turns to butter. Then, it becomes to slick for me to control. It slides throughout my mind. All that butter is disgusting.

Dwelling also means a place to live. It is this definition that I will use to reclaim the word dwelling.

1 Corinthians 3: 16 Don't you know that you yourselves are God's temple and that God's Spirit lives in you?

I read this on Friday. Then, it reminded me that I am never alone. God is ALWAYS with me.

Yesterday, I walked to the grocery store. God blessed my thoughts; I was dwelling over that verse. God showed me that it also meant He lives inside me. God lives within me. This means that when I seek outside, worldly things for comfort, whether it's money, food, clothes, or men, anything I could possibly need is within myself. God provides for all of my needs. Nothing will fulfill me unless it comes from within, unless it is God. Whether I am single or married, God is always within me. Everything I need, I already have in God. Don't ya know...

Singing praises

I feel compelled to praise God publicly, because I'm so thankful. Earlier today, I felt anxious. While the situation has not changed much, God changed my attitude. He quieted my qualms. In submitting to God, I invite Him into my life. God loves to show up when He is invited.

Mother Teresa: Emptiness

On page 273,

"To be absorbed with Jesus required being forgetful of self, as she explained to her sisters: It is only when we realize our nothingness, our emptiness, that God can fill us with Himself. When we become full of God then we can give God to others, for from the fullness of the heart the mouth speaks."

This quote is framed by the sermon today in church. Stephen preached about discerning your calling and the 6 elements needed. The sermon reminded me of my conversation with Wilbert in Haiti. He asked about my calling. I had no response. I thought I had figured something out 3 weeks ago, but I'm not sure if there is a need for said calling. Stephen made it very clear that there has to be a need for our calling. So my plan is to read the Bible and fast and pray after I've spent some time in the Word. I do trust that God will reveal my calling when I'm able to hear it.

In preparation for that Mother Teresa has provided some powerful themes in my life. At the start of my summer travels, while sitting in JFK at 5:30 in the morning, I read how she described God speaking when our heart is silent. The theme for my summer travels was listening. I was far too distracted to listen in New York, but I was able to listen in Haiti. I heard God speak to me through the people I met. God delivered personal messages to me through the interpreters. I heard those messages, and I know God keeps His promises. I'm struggling to fill my heart with God. I'm distracted again, and it sickens me. I want to gouge out my thoughts, but I cannot. I yearn to forget myself. I've prayed to become emptied. A prayer that I was cautious to say. July 19 I was emptied, and it was a hard day. It was also one of the best days. I trust God to empty me and fill me with Himself. I am nothing but everything in Christ.

God is in control

I must learn this lesson on a weekly basis, but I just witnessed it in a new venue.

I witnessed Mallysa's baptism today. She has been a member of the teen ministry and has come to my house on a weekly basis for the past 9 months or so.

During most I.O.B. (Inward, Outward, and Beyond the name of the teen ministry) meetings, I just trusted that God was planting seeds.

Today I saw one of those seeds blossom.

I heard her explain how God started showing up in her life. It was a touching testimony about the development of her relationship with God.

While I was listening to her, I realized that it was not about what I did as a youth leader. God has everything under control. He uses us, of course, but all I have to do is pray for God to show up in the lives of the teenagers. Once again, I just need to put my faith in God and wait for Him to show up.

I am so thankful for such a wise and omniscient God, our shepherd who rescues us.

Mother Teresa: feeling needed

On page 273, Mother Teresa wrote "His [God's] ways are so beautiful. --To think that we have God almighty to stoop so low as to love you and me and make use of us--and make us feel that He really needs us."

I think God does make us feel like He needs us, even though we need him. Even though, I forget that I need God. He still loves me and desires a relationship with me. From the meetings I schedule at work to dance classes and social events with friends, I realized that I really need to schedule a date with God. He's been waiting patiently.

Summer Day

You are the

Hair swaying breeze

Encompassing blaze

Cruising bicyclist

Ambling man, tanned and bearded, in rolled up blue jeans

Rolling water in the bay

You

Composed this summer day

From the conversations,

Passing vehicles, to the

Steady beat of runners.

We are

Your instruments

Ready to be played.

Thunder

On Friday, I asked a student to say a sentence with the word "thunder." The boy, a first grader, asked me, "What's thunder?" I paused. I, apparently, had forgotten I was in San Diego. In the four years I lived here, I've heard thunder less than five times. I provided a brief explanation and then said another word for him to use in a sentence.

Speechless

Today I worked with a student. I started assessing him last school year in May. The end of the year became so busy (at least 16 IEP meetings in the month of June--14 work days) that I decided this evaluation could wait until August.

He is in second grade; he's big for his age. He looks like he will grow up to be a football player, defense. I asked him what he liked to do at home.

He said his family was poor and that he did not have any toys.

That's when my heart broke. I didn't know what to say, so I asked him what he liked to do during recess. He likes to play wall ball.

When this student describes a picture, he tells a story. His stories are dialogue driven. It is my goal to help him harvest his talent, so he can become a story-teller. So while he is sitting in his house, his imagination can bring him anywhere he wants to go.

Take it to the berry farm

[photo credit: Kansas Corley]
During our trip, Alex and Ali were writing a list of Southern phrases for Dorly to learn. One of those phrases was "take it to the berry farm." Being a damn yankee, I had never heard it before. The phrase, however, quickly became our call to prayer.

In the picture, I'm talking with Wilbert. He was one of our interpreters; during that conversation he asked me about God's purpose in my life and shared God's purpose in his life. I'm going to share his vision with you and ask you to take Wilbert and his ministry to the berry farm.

He founded a ministry called Tabitha Home. It is named after Tabitha, the woman who served widows (and orphans, I believe). She had died, but Jesus saved her. Wilbert is serving Jesus by serving widows and orphans in Carrefour.

From August 16 to the 27, he will be preparing to train 35 youths in book-binding so they can earn money to help them pay for school. The goal is to give them financial independence, a way to provide for themselves. The actual training for the book-binding will be August 26-27.

He sent me a written outline of the project. I think what he is doing is incredible. I see Jesus working through him, and it is beautiful. I wish I knew what to write to make you feel how I feel about this ministry.

I feel like my experiences in Haiti was a real life demonstration of what I've read in the Bible. The faith of the people is steadfast. I saw God loving the poor. Wilbert's project is designed to support the youth, so they can work toward economic independence.

Please join me in praying for Wilbert, this project, and for the 35 youths. Wilbert would be so touched to know that others are praying for his ministry. Lets take it to the berry farm, y'all!

Prayer Requests from Haiti

Some of these stories I have already posted, but here is a comprehensive list of prayer requests from or for people I met during my trip to Haiti.

1. Vina: I met her in the Fort Lauderdale airport. She also missed the flight from Fort Lauderdale to Port-au-Prince because of the delay at the Philadelphia airport. She grew up in Haiti; she had returned in 2001 but had not returned since. I asked her to tell me about Haiti in case I was not able to fly out the next day. She told me the people were resilient and the food is delicious. I can confirm that statement! She was on a missions trip and then was hoping to stay longer to visit family, depending upon whether she felt safe or not.

2. Clint White, Matt, and Geftay. These three gentlemen picked me up from the airport. It was a blessing to run errands with them, to witness a day in the life of a missionary. Please pray for them to be patient as they follow wherever Jesus leads them. May they continue to spread the good news in Haiti; I ask that the hand of Jesus be present in all of their conversations and interactions.

3. "Sumen" and Jonas. They lived 2 houses down from where we stayed. "Sumen" is pregnant and requested a good day for when she gives birth. She also requested prayer for her husband. Jonas and his wife asked for prayer to strengthen their spiritual life as well as unity within their relationship. They have two sons who receive tutoring after school.

4. The construction project: I believe the building was intended to be a church, but once it has a roof the building will be a school. May the building be sturdy and used to glorify God's kingdom.

5. The Sons of God orphanage. I only visited once. There is a possibility of requiring a new building. I pray that God continues to provide for them; He has a special place in his heart for orphans, so I trust He will sustain them and fill them with His love.

6. Guy Emmanuel, his mother, brother, cousin, and various other people in the house. Guy Emmanuel asked for prayer to help him provide for his family. His mother praised God. We met Guy and his family while walking around the neighborhood on Thursday July 22.

7. During that same excursion, a man called out to us from a tent city. He said, "I'm so glad to see you here" and "Come!" With Zick's approval, we walked down the steps into the tent city. He was sitting under a large tarp/tented area with a woman. There were several mattress lining the perimeter. The tent was set up where their house used to stand. I believe the woman asked for things to go back to the way they were before the earthquake. She wants a home again. I trust God will provide her with a home.

8. All of the children we met throughout the trip. May they grow up in God's love and seek Jesus as their Savior.

9. Vanessa, Dahlia, and Olsheen. Vanessa felt sick; Dahlia just wanted prayer in general.

10. Alisha and her mother, Geraldine. After the earthquake, Alisha had been under debris. Alisha had a fever; the medicine had not helped. Alisha also needed surgery for a swollen area near her pelvis. May God heal her! Geraldine requested prayer for a visa to go to Santo Domingo and buy goods to sell in Haiti.

11. Jimmy requested prayer for his thoughts.

12. Michelle asked us to pray for her family, to keep her strong in God, and to be protected.

13. Joseph makes coin banks in a tent city. The way he meticulously works on those coin banks is a manner of praising God. He earned a decent sum of money from our group, so I pray that God protects him as well as continue to provides for him and his family. Joseph is a mason but does not have a job.

14. Pastor David, his wife, and all of the girls they have staying with them. We stayed at Pastor David's house. His ministry developed in November 2009. His ministry is exorcism. Many of the girls at his house were once possessed by demons. I pray Pastor David continues to drive out demons in the name of Jesus. I ask God to protect Pastor David and his family. His wife has such a beautiful singing voice. May she continue to sing your praise, God!

15. The interpreters: Zick, Dorly, Wilbert, Phanor, Ernst, David. May the interpreters be kept safe and continue to spread the gospel throughout Haiti. May they continue to share their faith with all of whom they meet. It has been such a blessing for me to have met them.

Please reread often and pray with me.

Confession of an Elder Brother

I am reading two books; lately, I've been reading The Prodigal God: recovering the heart of the Christian Faith by Timothy Keller. It is a book that gently illuminates different ways to sin against God's authority, while celebrating the gospel of our Savior and merciful God.

The entire book discusses Luke 15: 1-3, 11-32.

Keller describes how the elder brother sins in his righteousness. He expects special treatment from his father, because he has earned such treatment by being obedient. He is upset when his father does not meet these expectations.

During my trip to Haiti, I would talk with the interpreters. It felt like I was frequently explaining that I did not have a boyfriend; the response was typically "I'm so sorry." Perhaps it was an apology for assuming I had a boyfriend, but that was not how I interpreted it at the time. My response was: don't be; it's a good thing.

In processing my single-dom with a friend, I realized how blessed I've been throughout the healing process. The process continues, but I've seen substantial progress since June. Looking back I could see how God had been sustaining me since April.

When reflecting how i felt from April to June (maybe July?), I was angry with God. I was a self-righteous older brother. I knew I was following God's will by becoming single. Since the will of God is good, I felt that I should not feel sad about the break-up. I became angry when I realized that I did feel sad. Even in the moment, I could see hints of God sustaining me. Only now do I have a clearer sense of how much God was doing within my heart.

After multiple moments of disobedience, I thought God owed me for one moment of obedience. How dare I feel like God owes me something.

Psalm 51: 4
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

God owes us nothing, but He loves us too much to abandon us. The irony is that God truly has sustained me in the manner I thought I deserved. In my self-righteousness, I thought God would sustain me because of my obedience; the truth is, God sustains me because He is a loving, merciful, and gracious God who sent His son to pay the penalty of my sins.

I'm writing about this (in more detail than I'd prefer to share), because I think it is far too easy to stray along the self-righteous trail. Feeling as if God owes me is a sin that saddens me; I cannot imagine the pain in God's heart as He watches me waiting expectantly for what I think I deserve.

2 Corinthians 7:10
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

A beautiful Saturday

Today I am hoping to establish a weekly routine on Saturday.

This morning I went to a cardio hip hop dance class, then I walked to the farmer's market in Little Italy where I bought lunch (a giant avocado and quinoa salad). I took a little detour on my walk back to my car and soaked in the shimmery blue water in the harbor.

The only thing I would need to add is a jog before the cardio hip hop class as I need to seriously start my half marathon training.

I ended the day by going to the beach to help celebrate a friend's birthday.

I am so thankful God is reminding me why He wants me in San Diego, and why I love serving him here!

Two heart-felt words

I was not going to write about this encounter further; I believe I referenced it in a previous post. God has been putting this memory on my mind; he's already made a place for it in my heart.

Here's what I wrote about it:

July 20, 2010
On the plane (still in Miami)

I met a guy from Haiti. We met at the ticket counter. I think we both had to pay for an extra bag. He doesn't have much English; I have less French or Creole. I asked him if he was from Haiti; he said "Yes." I told him I was going for the first time. He responded, "Thank you." I was so humbled. It was powerful. We ended up sitting next to each other at the gate. I used a bit of French, which resulted in a response I couldn't understand.

Today I look at the people I meet as a purposeful introduction from God. I realize all interactions are purposeful and from God. I'm too busy taking everything for granted. Today, since I realized yesterday was not my day to arrive in Haiti, I'm aware of how special each interaction truly is. I'm so grateful to be here! It's a beautiful perspective to have. I'm so grateful, God. Thank you for ALL of my trip so far. Yes, ALL of it. You were preparing my heart for Haiti.

Upon reflecting about the "thank you" I received, I realized that my "bad day" yesterday was still a really good day. A bad day is when an earthquake destroys your nation's capital city. I have NO concept of a bad day.

Is there a bad day with God's love?

Sound the vuvuzela!

God prepared my heart for Haiti in the unlikeliest of places. I became a fan of watching the World Cup in June; it was more difficult to continue the tradition of breakfast and football in New York, but I managed to watch a game or two. The entire world plays soccer, especially boys (and grown men) in Haiti.

Soccer balls were on the packing list sent out by Adventures in Missions. I blew it off. I have learned my lesson. Adam always made sure to have a soccer ball in his "bag of fun" a.k.a. his backpack. The soccer ball was conduit to form a bond between complete strangers. I'm sure we all looked strange to the kids with our varying soccer skills.

After my first morning in Haiti, I realized I was going to need to learn some footwork. I found members of our group frequently engaged in a circle with Haitian boys, either kids we met while walking around, kids we met in tent cities, or the kids who lived next door to where we lived. I wanted to join, but I knew my skill level was a joke.

During our siesta on July 21, I saw Dorly kicking around a small, inflated ball the size of a grapefruit. I asked him for a lesson. I practiced bouncing the ball off of my foot. I could only do it twice in a row, a third time if I got lucky.

The next morning, after Pastor David shared his testimony, Zick became my soccer coach. He taught me some footwork as we kicked the ball back and forth. I received my second lesson that afternoon during our siesta. I learned how to aim the ball (in theory; sometimes I'm able to apply the skill).

I started joining the soccer circles. Most of the boys were kind and brought their skill level down a notch. Usually, I'd be much to proud and demand their best, but not even my pride could blind me of my skill deficiency. I appreciated the mercy (which is a better word than "pity").

In fact, one boy offered to play for me in the middle of the circle during our keep away game when it was my turn to go in the middle. I allowed it the first time, but I insisted on playing the second time. The only way to improve is to play.

I was feeling like a soccer player, a Haitian soccer player to be exact. I told myself early on in the trip that I'd leave Haiti a soccer player.

Saturday morning our group returned to the tent city associated with a Catholic organization. We challenged the boys on the soccer field to a match. The "American" team consisted of Adam, Joel, Jeffrey, Ernst, Dorly, Phanor, Branden, myself, and two other Haitian boys. Ernst, Dorly, and Phanor were our intrepreters. The boys kept saying that we were missing a person. "She's playing." was the response. After a second time (if not more), they finally accepted the fact that I was playing. A group of boys had crowded around me. They kept talking to me and laughing. I finally asked Phanor to intrepret for me. He listened, responded to the boys, and never told me what they said. I think I'd laugh at white girl trying to play soccer in Haiti wearing goofy hiking sandals, too.

Ernst told me that I was going to score a lot of goals; he told me to play in the front line in the center. I thought he was crazy, but I went to my position. My goal was to stay on my two feet. The field by the opposing team's goal had a giant patch of mud (at best). Not only did I meet my goal, but I also passed the ball to a teammate and stole the ball from a member on the Haitian team. BAM! I was excited despite the fact that I mostly just ran around on the field, pretending I knew what I was doing.

After about 30 minutes, we were winning 2-0. Zick had returned from an errand, so he wanted to play. He's a good soccer player, not to mention a very patient coach. He wanted my spot on the team. I did not want to leave the game, but I also knew it would be best to quit while I was ahead. I could not say no to my brother, Zick. The game continued for 2 hours. The Americans lost 6-12.

I can at least say I left the game a winner, and I left Haiti a soccer player. :)


[photo credit: Kansas Corley]

Zick's Testimony: The night after the earthquake

[photo credit: Kansas Corley] This is how I will remember Zick: outgoing, full of life, and ready to embrace anything.

On July 24, he shared a story with us in the morning. He directed us to 2 Kings 2: Elijah Taken Up to Heaven in our Bibles. The verse sounded familiar, because we had listened to it on his ipod on Wednesday.

I did not write everything word for word, because I had not asked his permission to write down his testimony. After dictating such a beautiful description of Haiti, I assumed he would not mind if I wrote down some notes. Later that day, he thanked me for writing down his testimony. I thanked him for the inspiring message. This is what he said based upon my notes:

In Haitian culture: woman gives birth to a child. Bad spirits want to do bad things with children.
[The night of January 12, 2010, after the earthquake] Zick slept on the street with a small group. A child cried out, "I don't want to go with you!" The child's mother asked Zick to pray for the child. He spent 3-4 hours praying. Child kept crying out. Finally, the child said, "He's moving."

Elisha asked for the mantle of God. that's all we need. It was an easy thing to chase away the devil.

Zick went back to bed, but the bad spirit returned to the child.

[from my memory and not my notes: The mother asked Zick to pray for her child again. Zick told her that she could pray for her own child. The mother insisted that Zick pray.]

Zick prayed again. [He asked Jesus to banish the bad spirit permanently.] The child was free. Then, Zick prayed for the family to have faith in God. The family gave their life to God.

Ask for the flame of God to be burning in us. We need God's word. Ask, seek the double portion. It's free. Sacrifice ourselves to have it.

Zick is not only my brother, but he is also your brother in Christ. I know I will be constantly reminding myself to seek the double portion.

A lesson from a child of God

Since I've returned from Haiti, I've been trying to find a way to return. Finding a Haitian church in San Diego brought me closer to the spiritual high I felt in Haiti. Returning to my routine in San Diego after such an intense 5 days in Haiti has been difficult. I've been trying to fully comprehend my experience and the powerful friendships that were formed. Psalm 139: 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

In reading Adam McLane's blog entry this morning "Seeking Euphoria" (www.adammclane.com), I was forced to examine myself in the mirror. I was seeking Haiti; I was seeking the spiritual high I felt there. I realized, however, that I was truly seeking God. I was looking in all the wrong places. Hebrews 12: 2-3 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Then, I remembered Christina Vincent [photo credit: Jeffrey Dick], whom I met during Vacation Bible school (VBS) with neighborhood kids on July 24. That morning, our group leader, Branden, had talked about loving people and analyzing our actions to assess whether or not love is our reason for acting. I kept that in mind all day. During VBS, I was able to love Christina. She held my hand before we arrived at the church; she led me to a bench to sit on before VBS began; we sat together during the lesson and during the craft project. You can see her coloring her star clapper in the picture. She accepted that we could not talk to each other. I had enough French to tell her my name and ask for hers. She sat in my lap and touched my hair and skin. I hugged her and rested my head on hers. The heat had consumed my energy. I had spent my siesta talking with Wilbert and packing; I only dedicated a few minutes to rest. I was so thankful that she understood, that we could just sit next to each other. She accepted my love; we both shared in Jesus' love.

When it was time for my group to leave, I felt a pang of sadness. I watched Christina and it was clear that she had already accepted that I was leaving. She was continuing to move forward. Perhaps, she was continuing to seek God.

Now that I'm back in San Diego, I can rejoice in my memories from Haiti, but I cannot seek to relive them. If God brings me back to Haiti, I will experience God in a new way. Following Christina's example, I will accept wherever God brings me. I will embrace new opportunities, accepting the end of familiarity. I will put all of my faith in God. I experienced a fullness in God while I was in Haiti. I will experience it again when Jesus returns. I will seek God, not Haiti. Idols come in all shapes and sizes...

A slice of Haiti in San Diego

I could not be more impressed by God's beautifully orchestrated plan. It's just so incredible; I'm in awe of God's grace and glory.

From my blog post yesterday, it's clear that I was hurting. I really miss my brother and friends in Haiti. I miss the people we passed by in the streets; I miss the food; I miss feeling the presence of God; I miss the tap-taps and the parade of people and cars. Perhaps, my group that walked around was the parade. I also miss the music and the worship. Haitians know how to worship.

Anyway, Adam had mentioned a Haitian worship service he had heard about in North Park while we were still in Haiti. Intrigued, I googled it online. Sure enough, in my neighborhood, there's a Haitian mission that meets every Sunday at 6:00 p.m. I had to check it out. Adam decided to attend with me.

We weren't sure where to go, nor were we sure if the group was operating on Haitian time or American time. Haitian time would mean they'd start at 7:00 or later. If it were American time, then we were on schedule. We stood outside for 15 minutes or so. We saw some people enter a small chapel. We figured out where it was, but we weren't sure how many people were inside or when it was starting. Once we heard singing, we figured it was go-time. The song ended, and we decided to go in. I led the way and sat in the back. We had already established that there was no way we'd be able to blend in, but I figured if they had already started, then sitting in the back would be appropriate as a late-comer.

It was clear that they were discussing our presence. One woman was speaking in English. Inside, I panicked a little. I thought they were going to speak in English. I had come to listen to French and Creole not English. Fortunately, they selected a woman to interpret for us. Bless Becky's heart, she translated for us for 3 hours!

The evening started with Sunday school. The woman leading is incredible. I'm excited to go next week. I even have homework to do! I don't know the woman's name, but she wants to teach the basics of the Bible. The Bible, she says, is ammunition. It will comfort us and share our joy and be used to teach about Jesus, our Savior. How many of you, she asked, can name all of the books in the Bible? How many books are in the Old Testament? (39, I think she said and 27 in the New Testament). I did not know the answer, and if my memory failed me, then my numbers are wrong. She made up a song for everyone to sing in order to help them remember the first five books in the Bible. The first five books were written by Moses except for the last chapter of Deuteronomy. They started last week. She discussed John 3:16. It's an important verse. We all believe in Jesus for salvation. This week she talked about Genesis. It literally means the beginning and is the beginning for many things: the universe, God's chosen people, sin, and God's promise of redemption. Her teaching style is interactive and rote. She wants everyone to have verses memorized, so we can recite them in a time of need. We need to understand the Bible, because it's God's word. Our homework is to memorize the names of the historical books in the Bible from Joshua to Esther. I also need to play catch-up and memorize the first 5 books. It is by no accident I showed up to this Bible study. Aside from listening to Bible verses in the Catholic church, I first read the Bible in March 2009. I do not know it very well. I look forward to learning. I definitely noticed how well the Haitians knew the Bible. I also think Haitians are intent upon sharing the gospel with others. How can one share the good news if he or she does not fully understand the Bible? Sure it's possible, but, perhaps, less effective.

Then, worship began. I am convinced that every Haitian has a beautiful singing voice. Every Haitian I've met has a sweet singing voice. The guy leading had the most beautiful singing voice I've ever heard. I think I figured out why I enjoy listening to them talk so much. While in Haiti, it did not bother me in the least that I could not understand what people were saying (except for the kids who seemed intent on telling me something). I think it's because of the rhythm. In America, African American English Vernacular is also called "spoken soul." They speak with the beauty of the French language with added soul. I like anything with a good beat. They definitely add rhythm, because I do not find the French spoken by Canadians endearing (despite my love for Canada).

Their worship is so genuine. Their faith is strong. Their eyes are fixed on Jesus. It is a blessing to attend a Haitian worship service. If you ever have the opportunity, GO! I had a moment when I felt filled with God's presence--almost as full as when I was in Haiti. There's something special about the way God fills a room when Haitians are worshiping.

In the middle of the service, they had all new-comers introduce themselves and say a little bit. I shared how I had went to Haiti and needed my fix. After a man preached a message, we had more time to pray and we sang before we finished.

After the service, Adam and I were bombarded with greetings and opportunities to serve God's people. Adam will contact Pastor Bill, and I will be speaking on a radio program tomorrow evening to encourage people to go to Haiti. I will share my testimony. I will be rereading my blog posts as well as my journal. If there's anything that had an impact on you, please let me know which story so I can share it. I'm relying on the Holy Spirit to talk for me while I do my best to prepare/gather my thoughts.

Two highlights: one woman kept saying she loved us, because she appreciates anyone who helps Haiti; the same woman plus Becky offered to cook for us! Haitian food!!! I'm beyond excited. Perhaps, I'll ask them to teach me how to cook Haitian food. If I cook with them once a week or so for a few months, I should be able to make something almost as well as them. I guess I didn't need to buy a Haitian cookbook after all...

Praise to God for connecting people and bridging cultures and loving our neighbors. The Holy Spirit is powerful and, apparently, moves quickly!

Introducing my brother

Zick, pictured right, is my brother. After 27 years, I can finally say I have a brother, a younger brother. He asked if he could call me sister. I'm not exactly sure why, but we both enjoy listening to music, dancing, and writing.

On July 22, Zick asked me about what I was writing. I told him that I was writing about my day. I was often seen writing in my journal (a thoughtful birthday present from Amy). He asked if I had written about him; of course I had. I promised to show him what I had written later that day. Much to my surprise the words I wrote were objective, matter of fact. Sure, I wrote how we listened to his ipod while walking the streets of Haiti. We listened to French worship music; he sang for me in English, always interpreting. It was a special moment, a special connection. Listening to my ipod alone feels lonely. Worship music is our mother; God, of course, is our father.

After Zick saw what I had written, I asked him, what I should write about Haiti? What should I know about the country; what could I share with others in America who have yet to visit?

He told me was a writer; what he didn't tell me was that he's a poet. Keep in mind, it took us two days with plenty of interruptions, so transitions may be lacking. This is his response with minimal intereference from me:

Haiti is a good country. It has a beautiful sunset. When someone is taking his time to look at the sunset, he might find a word to express God's beauty.
If someone doesn't experience God's presence, he [should] come to Haiti and let the breezes embrace him. It's like a tiny [part] of God's presence.
There are a lot of trees and each one is marvelous.
The children are so funny. They used to say "blanc, blanc, blanc" when foreigners pass by. They say [foreigners are] wonderful. It's like the flame of love.
Talking about love is the center of the Haitian heart, because they experience God's love and show God's love to others by the way they behave. when Haitian people say hi to someone, he has a smile on his face.
Even if the earthquake touched their mentality or their lives, they stay strong as a lion.
Late at night we can hear some noises, but it's so sweet. We can say like the sound of a bird. Even if there are some sweet noises, it's so calm because the noises are sweet music that enters into each house. It's like Mozart's music; it penetrates everyone as a good morning.
When the sun rises [and the breeze blows], it's good. When the sun is shining, life has a new sense. It might be people go to work or some yelling on the street. It's a kind of way to survive; everything they do they give themselves in it, because they know life has a good sense, even though it's hard to live here. After the earthquake, life is so hard.


You are sick, alone, life has little sense for you, you want to know more about life, you want to know what love means: you can find the answer in a small country. Even if people say it's a poor country, but it's a greater one because you don't need money to live here. The main thing that you need is love, patience. Why patience? Because it's the thing that everyone needs in their life. For instance, you need something and you pray [to] God for [it]. If you don't have patience, you can act without God's will. Patience [to] wait [for] your day. When your day [comes] and [you have what you desired], you will live with joy.
Love is a center of this nation. This country that we described like that is Haiti. The door is open for everyone. You want to experience love? Come and receive. Don't be scared. Don't believe what the news said about [Haiti]. Imagine that you see a pineapple tree and people say, "This fruit is not good," and you never taste one, but you see someone [who], every day, eats one. What will be your reaction? It's a way to say come, and you will see.