Testify

So, one of my biggest sins is, obviously, one that brings me great shame. I love food. Many times, I cannot say no. Part of my journey to Jesus involved joining Weight Watchers back in January. From January to June, the pounds melted off and I lost 29 pounds. The summer was like a yo-yo, and I have not fully recommitted to making good food choices. I've stayed between having lost 25 and 29 pounds. I call on Jesus big time.

He's helped big time. This month alone I found will power to avoid all the damn treats in the lounge at work.

This week was particularly difficult. My week begins on Thursday and ends on Wednesday, when I get weighed. Last Thursday my dinner was french fries, onion rings, Guiness, some ice cream, then some more ice cream with peanut butter added. Friday I lost all will power. I ate so many calories. a piece of coffee cake, half a bagel with cream cheese, a mini-muffin, three-quarters of a Costco lemon poppyseed muffin, and more that I cannot recall on top of the food I brought for lunch and snacks. Over the weekend I ate Chinese food and breakfast at Coco's. Finally, the guilt started to set in. I prayed and started to feel more on track. I'd plan ahead and then not stick to the plan. I think Sunday was my best day. Monday I was doing well until I decided to make chocolate chip cookies. Tuesday I cooked my own dinner and then ate again with IOB. Ridiculous. Out of control. So, clearly, I'm dreading the scale the most I ever have in the past nine months.

I've been praying to Jesus: thanking Him for his help as I have won some battles, but pleading with Him because I'm losing the war. Today while driving to my Weight Watchers meeting, I'm telling him how I see His help yet still feel abadoned. I need MORE help.

In the back of my mind, I'm hoping that I will have lost weight anyway. I did jog Sunday morning, go to an aerobics class, and go to Boot Camp during the week. Truly, I made bad choices and knew I had to accept the consequences.

After telling Jesus how I felt abandoned, I stepped on the scale. For the first time, I looked straight down. I did not look at my weight until after the meeting. The leader of the meeting said, "good job" after she weighed me and I was very confused. I still would not look. I was afraid of being disappioned, and I knew I would not be able to prevent the tears. I felt close to rock bottom. The meeting was helpful and I began to feel better. I planned to buy a journal after the meeting, so I could grab a pencil to write down my feelings instead of grabbing a piece of chocolate.

While walking to my car, I looked at my weight. I lost 0.4 pounds for a total of 29.6 pounds lost. I began to cry as I saw how Jesus had not abandoned me. Saying "thank you" does not feel sufficient. The biblical thing to do is to share it with others. So, I'll be posting this very private blog entry on facebook for all my friends to see. Prayer works. I encourage you to try it.

Psalm 21

I originally intended to blog about a Psalm I discovered through Kathy; however, in my effort to conserve electricity while I ran the dryer, I did not have access to said quote from Gmail or Facebook. I do have the source, though. I could not recall which Psalm, but I thought 120 or so. It was not 120, but 121 is very close, if not better for me at this moment in time.

Psalm 121

I lift my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—he will watch over your life;

The Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

It makes me smile thinking how God is watching over me all of the time. The Maker of the universe is concerned with a sinful creature such as me? It is humbling with the right amount of self-importance.

Even more remarkable, this verse reflected my day. Last night, I decided to attend a Boot Camp class at the YMCA for a second time. This time, I was scared, because I had an idea of what to expect: partner work (I did not need a witness to my limited athletic ability) and HARD exercises (things I avoid, such as squats, push-ups, running with resistance bands and a partner holding me back, plus my two favorites: bear crawls and crab walks). So, I was worried about going but knew I’d feel better if I went. I turned to Jesus; I trusted that He would be with me and that all would be fine.

I arrived on time (luckily, the lights change quickly at 5:30 am on Friars). As class began, the instructor, Jason, said “hills.” As with most things he says, I did not fully know what this meant. I did know running up a hill would be involved. I sickly enjoy jogging up hills, so immediately I saw Jesus at work. I lift my eyes to the hills. We jogged east on Friars. I felt good; we jogged a gradual incline and came to a traffic light. I sprinted thinking we were done. On the contrary, we had just arrived at the foot of the hill. Drive up Via Las Cumbres some time and think about jogging up that. I walked most of it, because my meager attempt at jogging felt sluggish. I did not quite make it to the top of the hill. On the way down I let gravity take over. The velocity made me a little uncomfortable, but I trusted in Jesus. He will not let your foot slip. After jogging, we kicked some pads Jason held, then 5 push-ups, and completed jumping jacks while waiting in line. We grabbed one of those bars you can put weight upon. On the soccer field, we did squats/jumps and lunges. I was last, but I finished what I started (not what the others in the class completed, though). Then, he demanded bear crawls and crab walks. I only finished 1 of the 3 sets. While doing crunches, I was able to hear the song I liked last week, but was fuzzy on the details. That’s when I knew Jesus definitely wanted me at Boot Camp.

Oddly enough, I love Boot Camp. I like how it’s civilian boot camp, primarily. I also love the way I feel after the class. It’s an endorphin high. I feel pumped and ready to tackle the day. I don’t hit a wall of exhaustion in the afternoon. My brain is still tired, but overall, I’m less drained. I used to have a rule that I would not wake up before 6 a.m. by all means possible. This rule softened once I started believing in Jesus. I decided to meet Kristen at 6 a.m.; I woke up at 5:50, rolled out of bed, put on some clothes, and stumbled half asleep to the car. Then I moved, so now I wake up at 5:36 for the same process. Then I thought, hey why don’t I try this class that starts at 5:30 a.m. That fits my schedule better than the Pilates class from 6-7. I enjoyed the Pilates class, but I needed a challenge. I cannot challenge myself, so Jesus gives me the tools to challenge myself, and by his Grace, I enjoy it.

Praise Jesus for keeping me from harm, even when I’m my own enemy.

P.S. Kathy quoted Psalm 32:8.

Teens came; we talked; we conquered

Today was our first official meeting of IOB. I'm not sure if we conquered anything, but it was fun. I enjoyed meeting and interacting with the teens. I don't think I've been around teenagers since I was one. It was amusing to see them interact and listen to the gossip. Nothing radical happened. The earth did not shake. Perhaps, we planted a few seeds. I appreciated listening to the concerns of the girls regarding God. It's a new avenue for me to listen to others discuss God and to facilitate discussion. Sometimes I feel like one of the students. I'm not as well versed in the Bible as the other team leaders are. Lucky for me, it isn't a competition. We're starting with John. It will be a challenge to reread it through the lens of applying it to teens living in and near City Heights.
Just an update; I'll try to write something with more insight and intrigue later this week.

Matthew 14:29-31

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water, and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"

We finally gather the courage to take the first step; then we begin to notice the wind. Circumstances worsen. We begin to wonder why we left the boat; there's safety in familiarity. We notice ourselves sinking and scream for Jesus. Immediately, He comes to our aid. Does this mean He will fix everything? No; the storm was still raging, but Peter did not drown, and neither will we.

I'm in the process of figuring out whether or not Jesus is asking me to step out of my boat. I just want to make sure He is truly calling me forward. I like my boat, but I know Jesus will be by my side whether I'm lounging on the beach or struggling in the eye of the storm. May Jesus reveal His plan for me. I'd like to get it right the first time, for once. =)

Jesus sent the disciples on the boat fully aware of the approaching storm. He called Peter off the boat during the storm. He sends us into storms every day, but He never leaves us (Isiah 43:2-3).

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your god, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior

IOB

Tonight I met with the brethren of Youth Ministry for Harbor Mid-City. We hashed out the details and even sang/rewrote "Jack and Diane" by John Cougar Mellencamp. IOB is our slogan: Inward, Outward, and Beyond. I'm excited to begin next week and to begin our journey inward, outward, and beyond :)
I joined to share Jesus with others: to be a role model that I didn't necessarily have or recognize as a teen. I also wanted to learn more about the youth in City Heights: a country mouse is curious about how the city mice live.
As we plan the content for the teaching part, it is clear to me that I will also be learning more about God. I haven't read much of the Bible, so that will become expanded. I don't even know what I will learn, but I see a lot of potential.
My prayer for our group is from Acts 4:29-30 "Now, Lord, consider their threats and enable your servants to speak your word with great boldness. Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus."
We need guidance and strength to speak God's truth; we need God to heal the brokenness among the teens (and ourselves), and miraculous signs are usually effective tools for entering into a relationship with Jesus. My goal with this group and with all of my interactions is to be a vessel for Jesus. He knows what people need to hear; he knows how to help them; I hope he uses me most effectively so I can help people as a girlfriend, friend, speech language pathologist, daughter, cousin, niece, acquaintance, stranger, and weirdo (to sum it all up).

"Little ditty about Jose and Diana...Suckin' on hot cheetos outside the Wienerschnitzel...Oh yeah, life goes beyond/long after the thrill of high school is gone"

Covenant Renewal Script

Here is the text of what I shared on Sunday 9/13/09, my spiritual birthday. Ironically, my baptism as a baby was also in September (9/2-ish/83).

Stephen asked me to share my story and I finally agreed. I will never have enough words to truly share my story, so this will have to do. I will share my obstacles to being a “Christian” and the process of entering into a relationship with Jesus.

The obstacles: I was raised Roman Catholic. I stopped believing while I was in college. I didn’t want to attend the non-denominational church on campus—it sounded watered down. I took a class studying the meaning of life and became frustrated with how intertwined the meaning of life was with one’s belief in God. Which God? How can there be so many religions if there’s only one God? Then there’s the issue of homosexuality—the God I grew up with loves everyone. Period. There were a few more issues, including the priest preaching for more money. The moment I stopped believing in God was when I learned the Bible was used to justify slavery.

The process of entering into a relationship with God began when I moved to San Diego. Some of you know Mary Orton. She first invited me to Harbor Uptown for Easter service in 2007. With a Catholic background, I was slightly confused. The pastor didn’t wear a robe, actual bread was used for communion, singing was emphasized, and people would hold up their hands. Strange as it was, it felt genuine. I was moved during the service and enjoyed food afterward. I didn’t return the next week. Mary didn’t give up, rather Jesus didn’t give up. Mary talked about a church plant that she was apart of. She invited me along. It was at the Brewster’s house. We ate lunch and worshipped. I had met Stephen at Uptown, but this is when I heard him preach. He acknowledged how some people do not believe in Jesus. I had never heard such a perspective. He addressed multiple religions. He believed in Jesus. I still wasn’t attending church plant meetings regularly. Then Harbor Mid-City debuted here at Hoover two years ago. Of course I had to go and check it out. Intermittently I’d come and see it grow each time. I’d feel welcome, but I wasn’t establishing relationships. Some time last summer I decided I needed to make a commitment to God if a relationship with Jesus were to happen. It was hard because I liked sleeping in and church was time consuming. I began to notice I was more productive on days I went to church. So I attended church regularly, but I still had issues. I still wasn’t convinced Jesus was real. Less than a year ago today I did not believe in Jesus. I’d have lunch with Stephen to work out some of my issues. He’d answer my questions and help me with the next step. I’m inpatient. It was not an easy process. But Stephen was right. I didn’t believe him at the time. Wrestling with God was the best part of my journey. It’s raw and honest. I’d pray to God—I need to see you in my life. Stephen described God as a playwright. I needed to see His authorship in my life. One of the first times God clearly answered my prayers was my community group. I wanted to join one, but I wasn’t sure how to choose one. I thought I wanted to join the bilingual one. About a year ago, I prayed He would help me find a group to join during the service. After the service, I met Paul and Amy in line for food. They needed new recruits for their group. I said ok. I’ll never forget our first meeting. We’re always laughing together. I also started reading Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis, a former atheist. He presented an argument for Jesus. I responded to that. Once I was struggling with how God could listen to everyone’s prayers at once. The next time I picked up the book I noticed I had left off on the chapter about God and time. It was clear God was providing an answer. I saw Him answering my prayers.

I had lunch with Stephen and he told me “You’re there—you just don’t know it yet.” I think I saw it the last weekend of February of this year. The band played a song for Black History Month, “I don’t know what you came to do.” Everyone in church was out of their seats and clapping. It felt like one of those Black Southern churches you see in the movies or on TV. I appreciated God for giving me a glimpse of something I was always curious about. Shortly after that I began the Curious Discussion Forum led by Stephen. I was less curious and more convinced by that point. Stephen extended it to show us what it means to live as a Christian. I received a Bible—the first one I ever opened to read. Around Easter time I finally learned about forgiveness. I was upset with my sinful nature. I repented, but I didn’t forgive myself. That’s when Jesus dying on the cross and God’s grace finally came together in my head. If God can forgive me, then I can forgive myself.

So in two years I’ve seen Harbor move from a house to a high school. I remember when Leslie was first chosen as the vocalist. I remember meeting Edgardo and his wife before they agreed to join Harbor. Two weeks ago I returned to the Brewster’s house for a youth ministry meeting. I hadn’t been there since the church plant. He remembered one time when I was overwhelmed by Stephen’s message and needed to take a walk. So it feels like I’ve come full circle. As Harbor Mid-City has grown in Jesus, so have I.

On the Edge

This Sunday I'll be renewing my Covenant with God at my church. The timing is very appropriate. The church turns 2 years old and I saw it develop from the beginning on the sidelines.
Two verses have influenced my decision to renew my Covenant.
:Psalm 116:14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.:
This was the most influential one. When I read that one, I knew it would have to happen. God clearly chose when.
:John 3:5-8 Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, 'You must be born again. The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.'":
I want to be like the wind and I can be through the Spirit. Also, at this point in my life, I do not know where I'm going. I used to say, I'd go wherever the wind blew me. I know a breeze is coming, but I'm not sure how strong it will be.
I'm about to embark on a journey with Jesus. He is my guide and my strength. I may not like it, but He will sustain me.
I'm still adjusting to my perspective shift. It's a gradual change that continues to grow. While I've changed, I'm still a sinner. I'm not perfect and I will make mistakes. I don't feel the guilt I used to; I feel liberated. It's ok to make mistakes, to acknowledge them and fix them as best that can be done. Jesus is working to make me more like Him, but I'll never BE Him. I want Him to work through me, so I can serve those around me.
I've been more anxious as of late, but I know that it's not for me to worry about. Not all of it, at least! So I ponder tonight on 09-09-09.