Reclaiming Valentine's Day

Let me begin with a confession. Valentine's day last year was my worst day in 2011. Hands down, it was the worst day. I was engulfed by despair over being single. Yet, love really is found in a hopeless place (reference my recent Rihanna and Jesus post). God responded to my tears through a poem. A poem I treasure and will never edit. (Now, if you know me as a writer, then you know I LOVE to edit and constantly reword what I have written. So it is significant that the first draft of my poem is perfect.)

Now, I will tell you a secret. Are you ready? When I was confirmed in the Catholic church in 10th grade (perhaps I was 15 about to turn 16; I have no idea), we all had to choose a saint's name. One would expect a girl to pick a female name. That statement likely applies to everyone with whom I was confirmed, except me. I picked "Valentine." I did not care that it was a male name; after all, my given name is just as easily a male's name as it is a female's. I picked "Valentine," because I am a hopeful romantic (in Christ). I enjoy listening to how couples met. I cheer at the end of a chick flick. How is that different from every other woman? Perhaps it's not, but how many other women do you know who have chosen "Valentine" as their confirmed name? :-p

Anyway, the irony of being named Valentine while being alone on Valentine's day hurt the very core of my being last year.

In January of this year, I resolved that Valentine's day would be different this year. I celebrated Palentine's Day (February 11) with two of my friends. I have already received a Valentine's day card from a dear friend. I scheduled a massage tomorrow. I anticipate a package from my mom and perhaps another Valentine from my dearest friend. I'll also be working with special day class kindergarten students tomorrow. Despite the chaos of the day, it should mean hugs and high fives.

While I can keep the day in check, since it still is yet another day in 2012, my struggle with Valentine's day is something I struggle with all year. Rather, my loneliness or singleness is something with which I struggle.

So what will be different tomorrow? Me.

Oh the struggle in my soul will continue to rage, but Jesus wins. One day, I will have peace every second, instead of a moment here and a moment there. Where was Jesus last year, you may be wondering. He was with me, but I didn't want to talk to Him. I didn't trust Him. Some days, I still don't.

Poco a poco, I'm learning what it means to have faith in God. It breaks my heart that I actually tell myself, in moments of despair, that faith is stupid.

Aside from spilling my guts, I actually have a plan to reclaim Valentine's day. Despite how I feel, I really do love the day. I do not support the capitalist commercialism of the holiday, but the essence of the holiday is important. I think of it as someone who decided to be spontaneous and surprise his sweetheart with a gift, a token of his love for no specific reason. Then that day become commemorated into a holiday, so now every couple has to do something on one specific day. The lesson in Valentine's day is to treasure each other. Dating or not, married or not, Jesus calls us to love each other. Every day.

So, lets try to love each other tomorrow. Instead of speeding up while driving, let the car trying to merge into your lane ahead of you; tell a stranger he or she is awesome. Smile and say hello to someone.

Fellow singles, lets not be haters. Yes, I know it hurts. It really feels like a slap in the face, but if it's one thing I have learned this year, it's that I am loved by my family and by my friends and by God.

Yes, I have reclaimed Valentine's day. How? By remembering I'm loved, even if a boy does not send me a card or a box of chocolates. I am loved, and so are you, dear reader. Single or in a relationship or married or divorced or widowed.

So whether you are dodging Cupid's arrow tomorrow or wearing a target on your forehead, remember that you are loved. I'll try to do the same.

But, if any gentleman out there or a friend wants to send flowers, I'll happily receive them. I am, after all, a hopeful romantic. :)

From the mouths of babes

I cannot believe I forget this gem of a conversation yesterday.

During group, one of my rambunctious, resilient optimist first grade students sat in my chair. Being as my skills are planning ahead, I had to leave my table to get something. I don't even remember what it was.

Anyway, while I was up, my student sat in my chair. He has a sense of humor, so I told him to move, adding that next time I will sit on him.

His articulation is not the clearest, but he definitely asked if I would fart on him if I sat on him.

I burst out laughing simultaneously assuring him I would not fart on him and that his comment was inappropriate. I'm fairly certain the message was lost in my smile.

Wishing on a shooting star

God certainly does know how to nourish the soul.

After my lunch work meeting, I was not motivated to pull my last group of the day. I decided to get my group anyway; after all, they'd notice if I did not get them for group.

What a blessing the group was.

One of my students was not feeling well. It was very clear from his behavior. He was quiet and calm. This student is typically a ball of energy, usually spinning or bouncing from place to place while talking incessantly. He's one of my favorites. How can you not when three years ago, he said /kr/ instead of /tr/ so the first grade leprechaun traps were called "craps." It's not very often I legitimately get to write the word "crap" in my report.

Anyway, with one student down and my lack of motivation, the two students sat on the couch while I pulled up a chair.

The other student is a very sweet girl that I've known for almost a year. She is kind, friendly, and curious with the right amount of sass. She began asking questions about how rain comes from clouds and stars. She asked about shooting stars and making wishes.

Then she told me, "If I could wish on a shooting star, I'd wish to come with you every day."

Heart melted.

This also positively reinforces me to get my groups of students regardless of motivation level.

A glimpse of divine intervention

Today in my special day class kindergarten class, I was working with one of the students in the teacher's group. This student is one of my favorites. A sweet little guy with big brown eyes. He has a medical diagnosis of being on the Autism Spectrum Disorder. He loves acorns/pinecones and Scrat from the Ice Age. He uses his own name when talking about himself (the nuance of "my name" and "your name" with appropriate references, but I'm merely speculating).

He finished drawing the four pictures for the lesson; I pushed for him to write the words, too. I wrote the words; it was his job to trace them.

I believed he could do it. He was not a fan. It was an unexpected burst of spontaneous language from an otherwise string of lines from movies or quotes from his family (again, speculation). He initially began with a quote from his family, "Be patient." "Just wait." But then, the firework show began.

He told myself and the teacher that he was sad, using the pronoun "he" instead of "I." He then drew a sad face on his paper. He had already finished 2 of the 4 words. The teacher and I both admitted to being about to cry. I mean not only is he communicating spontaneously and actually on topic, but he's then telling us he's sad. My stubborn streak has a cold heart, so I encouraged him to finish the last two and then he could have his toys. I think he actually wanted to draw a spider on the back of his paper. He agreed. After he finished, the teacher asked him if he was happy and asked him to draw a happy face. He did. Then he independently drew a surprised face. The teacher asked him to draw a scared face. They were decent pictures for a 5 year old.

It was just incredible to hear him tell us how he was feeling other than "I'm tired."

The teacher commented, "It was like the heavens opened up." Yes, indeed, God showed His mighty hand. He is truly our student's teacher and will never stop despite passing to the next grade or moving to a different school.

The teacher also wished she had been recording it to show his mom.

If only I could capture the excitement of spontaneous communication between two teachers and a student with words. But why try to capture something that's etched into my heart?

Lean on Me

Let me explain a typical day for me.

I wake up early in the morning; typically I awake saddened: the usual waking up alone blues plus, the I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-my-warm-nest-of-a-bed feeling that always causes me to hit snooze at least once. The combination typically keeps me in bed for close to 30 minutes.

I do my best to psych myself up for the day. I pray and share my feelings. On a good day, I ask for His mercy. On a really sad day, I cry in the shower and plead with Him to carry me throughout the day. Honestly, though, I need Him to carry me through every day.

I eat breakfast, which is one of my favorite meals of the day. I eat while checking e-mail and Facebook. I scrounge for motivation to finish getting ready for work.

Once at work, I do enjoy my job.

On any given day, I'm receiving hugs, giving high fives, coaching students to produce this sound or that, playing Go Fish or Apples to Apples, Jr, playing Simon Says, reminding students to say the "is" in "She is running" or reminding them to say "she" instead of "her." Just as a few examples. Or if I'm in the special day class kindergarten (SDC) class, I am reminding students to sit down or to stay on task. For some reason, the students in the SDC kinder class really like my hair. At least three students have told me so explicitly on different days, and one boy likes to stare at the top of my head. Anyway, the SDC class can be quite intense. These students are learning how to be in school. If they don't want to do something, why wouldn't they run around the room knocking things over? Let alone the times they choose to yell at or hit adults in the room. Not to mention when they run around the room, they think it's a game. My day wears me out more than I readily admit to myself.

It is very clear at work that I am completely dependent upon God to serve the students with whom I work.

While at home after work, I stumble while tired. I begin to believe lies from the enemy. I try to deny that there's an enemy. I am tired of seeing the pain of the world. I want God to come NOW and fix everything. I want my ideals to be reality. I do not want any more tears or suffering for anybody.

The longer I wait the more doubt creeps in, the more I start to believe my doubt.

I become paralyzed and no longer want to complete life's daily chores or do fun things like playing Michael Jackson experience on my Wii. I typically try to numb myself to my feelings. I feel so much throughout the day: joy, fatigue, frustration, etc. I don't feel like wrestling with God about fixing everything.

But that numbness leads to condemnation and shame. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Jesus, the good Shepherd that He is, seeks me out. Every time. He is gracious and merciful. His love draws me back.

So, you see, my day is a roller coaster of emotions. Alive, joyful in Christ or dead in despair.

On Saturday, I had a day that was mostly alive in Christ. I knew I could easily slip into despair, so I brewed a cup of chai tea and headed to Sunset Cliffs for a date with God. The picture in this post was taken during my date. I was blessed with some sweet journal time rooted in Truth.

While jogging/walking after work, I heard Linkin Park's "Shadow of the day." One line whispered to my soul, "and the sun will set for you." Yes, indeed, the sun sets for me while I reflect with gratitude upon the mercies extended from Christ; the sun rises every morning with new mercies. I mean that sunset was the artistry of God: gold, orange, and yellow illuminating the clouds with pink steamers to the north of the sunset. Behind me was the moon with stars gradually emerging. The ocean was translucent sapphires, blown glass rippling. It was stunning. Just like God.

God's beauty is created for all of us to enjoy. How incredible? No wonder people feel "spiritual" when in nature. It's God's handiwork.

Needless to say, I was touched. Hands up enjoying the roller coaster.

But then I came to a sharp turn that jammed my arm into the door. As I walked closer to home, I passed a gas station. Two men were yelling at each other, arguing over whose turn it was, I assume. They were in each others' faces and dropping f-bombs. I literally shed a few tears while I prayed. Jesus, these men need you. Please give them peace. Please reconcile this. You see, I feel those emotions deeply. I feel the sadness of our pain, the consequences of sin in this world. And I'm sad to think about my actions hurt others. It's a painful world, and my compassion is a gift that is difficult to carry.

I try to look toward Jesus as an example. Can you imagine how He felt walking through the streets of Jerusalem? So many people followed Him. So many people in pain who needed healing. Yet, through communion with His Father, He went to those whom He was told to help. He was not called to meet every single person. He did not go rogue and start healing everyone He met. No, He submitted to His Father's plan, even when it included His own sacrificial death. And even on the cross, He forgave us who nailed Him to that cross.

Father forgive us; we know not what we do, to each other, to ourselves, and to You.

I am reminded of a quote by Plato: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Lets help each other as we ride the roller coaster. Jesus knows we need the support from a community. Think of Aaron and Hur holding up the arms of Moses. Moses needed the help of his friends, and so do I. So do you. How can I help you? How can we help each other?

Jesus and Rihanna

I just have to blog about this, because every time I hear "We found love" by Rihanna I think of Jesus. Whether you want to know or not, I'm going to divulge my reasoning.

She talks about finding love in a hopeless place. I assume she means a romantic love. Despite whatever romantic scenario you conjure up of feeling like no one will ever love you and that's when you find love, I want you to really think about that.

A hopeless place.

Have you felt hopeless? Have you walked around in a hopeless place?

I have. It's not pretty nor pleasant. Hopeless. Condemned. Ashamed. The lowest of lows.

That is not where I want to find a romantic love.

But, Rihanna is right. There is love in a hopeless place. Jesus.

Jesus, meets us where we are, whether hopeless, confused, or rebellious. He does not wait for us to slip and fall nor does he wait for us to walk a tightrope of good deeds. He will follow us as we stray to that hopeless place and deliver us for it. He loosens the chains of hopelessness and liberates us.

He is the bridge between God and human.

Because without Jesus, we are hopeless. Without Jesus we are sinners deserving of death. So God sent His Son to live a perfect life and die for our sins on the cross. Jesus not only died, but He accepted the punishment of our sins. He was separated from God. Oh but after three long days He rose again. He is reunited with the Father. He reigns, but He is a generous King. He gracefully shares His inheritance, entrance into the kingdom of God, with us, whom He calls friend and sibling.

Yes, there is One love in our hopeless places. He is the way, the truth, and the light. He is the beacon of  Hope.

He is the only love I want to experience in the hopeless catacombs of my mind.