Prayers in poetry

In rereading a poem I wrote on October 24, I realized my prayer was answered, in part on the very day I wrote the poem.

Here is an excerpt: "Yearning for an apology, closure, peace/A band-aid to hide the hideous wound/Cover it up while it heals/Will it heal?"

On October 24, I received an apology. On October 30, I received closure and peace. I am still healing, but my hope is in God, and He is the ultimate healer.

Elusive happiness

I read some advice a few women hypothetically offered to newborns. They used different words but the same sentiment. Find what makes you happy. Hopefully, you'll be able to make a living by doing it. I love my job, but I'm not always happy at work or happy doing my job. There are to-do items I do not like to complete.

I am pro-happiness, but it is an emotion. It is not a deer to be hunted and then mounted on the wall, so it is always present. It's a meandering butterfly, flittering in and out of attainability but always visible. We have many visions of our butterflies. Your standard monarch or an exotic zebra-striped type. Once we net our monarch, we seek the zebra. The zebra-striped butterfly will linger longer.

There is something beyond happiness.

John 4: 1-26. Jesus asks a Samaritan woman for a drink. Jesus is a Jew. The Jews and the Samaritans are like the Montagues and the Capulets. Furthermore, men typically did not talk to women in public. Also of importance is the fact that the woman was at the well at noon. Women typically went to the well together early in the morning before the heat blazed. This woman was not accepted by the others, yet Jesus talked to her. He asked her for a drink. She's confused by his request. Jesus responds by saying that He can give her living water. Verse 14 is a powerful promise from Jesus: "but whoever drinks from the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Yes, there is something beyond happiness. Not the mythical fountain of life, but a relationship with Jesus Christ. A savior. The road will be filled with happiness and sadness, but He walks that road with us. He rejoices, mourns, and consoles us. He fights for us. He appears through friends and family, personally and through strangers.

If I were to give newborns advice, assuming I wrote it down for them to read at a later age, I would encourage them to seek Jesus, because happiness is no match for sadness. Jesus conquered death. I trust Him.

God responds

While in New York these past 10 days, I had quite the adventure. God used my time to speak to me and to guide me. He surrounded me with support, with my roots. He gave me a strength I did not know I possessed. But that's not a story for my blog. Not today.

I wanted to share an answer to my prayer on October 18. Early in the day, I confessed my loneliness and asked God to do something to let me know He was with me. Throughout the day, I completely forgot about my prayer. In the picture, my room is located in the building behind the green canoe. After I had went to bed, I left my room to go to the bathroom. While walking back, I looked up at the sky. There was a patch of sky without clouds, revealing a starry sky. It was beautiful. Stars are few in San Diego. I looked up at the starry sky and remembered my prayer from the morning. I was thankful for a response.

The little moments

Every day in my special day kindergarten class is always an adventure. Fortunately, I enjoy an adventure. Lesson plans are typically thrown out the window, while new ones write themselves.

Today, my favorite student (who has autism) in that class put in his hand on my shoulder while I sat next to him. If I moved to assist another student, he followed me. That is not typical behavior for students with autism. During one of his groups, I told him to complete his work. He put his hand over my mouth and told me to be quiet. I wanted to howl with laughter. How can I punish a student with autism for being interactive and communicating clearly? He eventually did his work; I didn't stay quiet for long, if at all.

Another boy, who also has autism, had some difficult moments today. He screamed and cried for a snack, even though he had already eaten. I sat with him and repeated that he needed to sit first, and then he'd get his juice. Finally, I walked to where he needed to be with the juice box. He followed. He completed his work with the lunchbox in his hand. At least he did his work. I was not going to fight that battle. As the class walked to the bus, he waved good-bye to me as I walked to my classroom. He was the first student to say good-bye. I wanted to kick my feet up and do a jig, because he initiated interaction for something beyond his basic wants or needs.

Despite spending most of my day walking around feeling incompetent, God sees me. He reminds me that He's involved in the lives of my students. I often stop and remind myself that all of the students in that classroom bear God's image. God likes to get crazy, sometimes...

Limitless

For the second time in six months, the pastor at my church (Harbor Mid-City) preached on the parable of the good Samaritan (Luke 10: 25-37). Both times, he quoted Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King had visited the Jericho road referred to in the parable. My pastor summarized two of Dr. King's comments regarding the Jericho road. First, instead of asking, "What will happen to me if I stop and help someone," it is critical to ask, "What will happen to the person in need of help if I do not stop to help?" Secondly, Dr. King advocated transforming the Jericho road.

My heart soars thinking about transforming the Jericho road. That's what I want to do. I want to transform the Jericho road. I want to help soothe the pain of others and ease the suffering of others.

It used to break my heart to realize I cannot transform the Jericho road alone. Even with a small army, I will likely not be able to transform the Jericho road. I used to feel so hopeless and paralyzed.

But with Jesus, we can transform the Jericho road. It's already part of God's plan, for "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" (Revelation 21: 4). The burden of transforming the Jericho road is not on my shoulders. Jesus has already carried this burden to the cross. I can pray for the transformation of the Jericho road. I can pray for God to work through me and other people to inch by inch transform the road. I can pray to God to show me how I can take small steps toward transforming the Jericho road.

I still don't fully know what to do, but I know the Jericho road will one day be transformed into a peaceful, safe place.

Evidence Based Practice AND Prayer

So, my fellow speech language pathologists will definitely know the phrase "evidence based practice." I'm sure, however, that it's no surprise for the rest of you to use research or some other factual based information to make a decision or implement a therapy technique, learning model, or which car to buy.

I am so giddy and excited about my day that I wanted to jump up and down while I walked through the hallways at work today. I, apparently, need to make up a happy dance that is work appropriate.

Once or twice a week, I go to an elementary school and provide speech and language services to 12 kindergarten students in a special education classroom, called a special day class (SDC). Some of the students are identified as speech and language impaired, others have autism plus two other labels.

I adore my students. They are challenging and fun all at the same time.

Today one of the students was acting out for attention. The teacher had one of the two aides take him outside of the classroom. The aide needed to run her group so she tagged me in to watch the student. She warned me that he had been throwing sand. Within minutes, he threw sand at me. I decided to implement a trick from my valued friend and colleague. I enthusiastically said, "Thank you! Thank you so much! I love how the sand feels on my arms." He threw sand once again, and I thanked him once again. After that, he either placed the sand in my hand, which I gently placed back on the ground, or he drizzled sand on my leg or my shoe. Then I just ignored him, and he typically wiped it off wherever he had placed it.

But that's not why I'm excited. At one point, he decided he was going to leave the playground area. I did not want to chase him, and I knew if I walked toward him, he'd think it was a game. I told him that it's not safe to leave and the rule is staying on the playground. I did not look at him. Occasionally, I'd say something about staying within the playground. What worked, however, is my prayer. I asked Jesus to keep him in the playground, or at least guide me if I had to follow him. Sure enough, the student returned to the playground and close the gate behind him. I made sure to talk to him and to praise him for making a good choice. Praise God!!!

As exciting as that was, I had a highly fulfilling therapy moment. One of the boys with autism in the class is secretly my favorite. He'll usually comply and even hold your hand if he sees your hand extended. It's very sweet to have a little boy with autism hold your hand willingly. He's not the only one in the class like that, but he's the one I met first. Anyway, this student often repeats rote phrases that are not related to the topic. I believe he is using them to communicate, but I haven't quite figured out what. I'm always happy if he asks me to tie his shoes or repeats something I say. Today, he was playing with play-doh. After he made a ball out of it, he began rolling it back and forth between his hands. So, I asked him to roll the ball to me. With a few prompts, he did. I rolled it back. I told him to roll the ball to me, and he did. I had another student join us, so they rolled the ball to each other. I'm still prompting the student with autism to roll the ball. After that, he boy with autism started playing with a toy car. So, again, I asked him to roll the car to me. He did. By the time we stopped, the student would roll the car to me after I said, "my turn." So there you have it, developing turn-taking skills, which we will use as the foundation for conversation.

AND it gets even better. The second student that I brought in to play with us gave me a hug after we were done. So the student with autism gave me a hug! Best day ever.

I couldn't be more proud of my student or more thankful to God for guiding me. Such a sweet and loving God, who will provide for my students despite my areas of weakness.

Yet another reason why I love my job!

A lionhearted herd animal

I recently posted this quote on Facebook: "Fainthearted animals move about in herds. The lion walks alone in the desert. Let the poet always walk thus." - Alfred Victor Vigny, 1797 - 1863

I struggle with feeling lonely and misunderstood. When I read the quote above, I immediately perked up. I also fancy myself a poet, and I just know that there's some body of work within me that I am meant to write. I've believed that for a long time. Before I believed in Jesus, I was too afraid to venture into my raw identity. What would I find? Since starting counseling through my church, I am walking with God straight into the depths of my being.

All that background to simply state that I identified with this quote, because I felt validated for feeling alone. I am a writer, then of course I am alone in the desert.

Later, I was writing in my journal. I remembered the quote, and then realized how it's actually contrary to my beliefs as a Christian.

I am NOT alone. No matter how many times I feel lonely, I am NOT alone. Not only does God dwell within me: John 16: 32 "Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me," but I am also a member of the body of Christ (Romans 12: 4-6, 1 Corinthians 12: 26-28).

An animal that lives in a herd does not mean it is weak or fainthearted. In fact, it demonstrates a great deal of strength. Living with others is much more difficult than living alone.

I think there's a temptation to feel like we should be an independent lion strutting through the desert, but in reality, we all want a friend with whom to walk.

Lion or not, you're not alone.

Labor Day

"Without work all life goes rotten."
     - Albert Camus, 1913 - 1960


Yes, all work and no play makes anyone dull; however, there is value and satisfaction in working. Sure, there's your job, but I'm talking about the little chores of life that no one wants to do, but there's always an undeniable feeling of satisfied accomplishment after.


Let me explain how this quote by Albert Camus played out in my life.


On Saturday, I was tired and feeling sad. I went to the gym in the morning and finished a book I had started on Friday. After that, however, I pretty much wasted my day watching television shows on hulu.com. This did not help my melancholic feelings. I felt rotten. I dwelled in my sorrow instead of fighting my way out of it. I had a to-do list of chores I wanted to accomplish, but I was too tired and felt too overwhelmed by the list. So, I lament Saturday as a waste. I ended the day by writing in my journal and posting it on this blog. A total loss? No, but it also wasn't the day I had intended.


Sunday, however, was much better. I went to church and appreciated how God communicated with me during the service. Since I had watched everything on hulu the day before, I had free time to actually whittle away at my to-do list. I cleaned and organized and tended to my garden. I went to a coffee shop to journal and met a friend to walk. I couldn't believe how quickly my afternoon disappeared. 


I felt happier and satisfied after finishing some of my chores. But there are times when I am just too tired to tackle my to-do list. Watching hulu, however, is not the best solution. I'll be working (ha, working) on finding a more restful activity.


Today, I have a few things left on my to-do list, including washing my car. I really don't want to do it, especially because it makes me sad to think that my car-washing friend moved in June. We'll see how today goes, though. A delicate balance of work and play and rest.

Identity in crisis: the cost of following Jesus

I have spent my entire life wishing I were different. Individualism in a society that really wants everyone to fall in line. Specific traits are valued; some of which I have to work at to exhibit.

I think through writing instead of talking aloud. I am not walled in by facts, but I admit I probably depend too much on my intuition. I care how my decisions will affect others. I want everyone to be happy. I'm idealistic. I'm frequently late, because I misjudge how much time it will take. Plus, I want to be exactly on time, so I won't leave if I'll be too early. I thrive on adapting to changes in a plan. I like having a variety of options. Sometimes I get sucked into making the "right" choice (idealistic, remember?) that the options weigh me down, paralyzing me into doing nothing but wasting the day.

I'm painfully shy and reserved; I think I am consequently viewed as being rude and unapproachable.

I've worked twice as hard to prove I am smart, because my brain isn't good at holding facts, unless they're ones I use regularly.

I always felt I needed to be more outgoing and more objective.

My counselor tells me I'm the color in a black and white world. It's like she knows the journey I'm on while I feel completely clueless and helpless.

So, how did I get here: sitting on my couch, a puddle of emotions and confusion? Finally, I am admitting to myself and to my God that I do not like who I am. If only I valued facts more, because then I'd know I am wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139). Instead, I feel sad, lonely, and poorly made. Damaged. Chipped chinaware. Dulled silverware. Yet, I know I'm anything but dull.

Welcome to my mind. It's full of traps like minesweeper. I was never good at playing that game.

Five years ago, I moved to San Diego under the guise of graduate school. The real reason? God was (and still is) pursuing me. He led me into the desert (Hosea 2: 14). After three years, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. I used to think my story was why I decided to accept Jesus into my life. Tonight, I realize my story is what Jesus has been doing since then.

Before Jesus, I was dating a young man. Neither of us believed in God. While we were dating, I accepted Christ. It ultimately divided us. We lived two separate lives with little overlap. Two Corinthians 6: 14 changed my life. My boyfriend was not pursuing me. His heart had already moved on. I want to be pursued.

Being single (it's going on 19 months) has exposed my wound of loneliness. You wouldn't believe how I try to cover it up.

After breaking up with the previously mentioned boyfriend, I thought God would reward my obedience with a handsome, Christian man. One day. Currently, God is pursuing me. He is jealous for me. I have so many idols I turn to before God.

After five months of being single, I considered counseling. In November 2010, after nearly seven months of being single, I had my first counseling session: pastoral counseling, which is led by the Holy Spirit. As an intuitive person, I am sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and I absolutely adore it. Yet, even I was skeptical. It didn't take long for me to realize that not only was it legitimate but that God is with  us during every session.

Currently, I feel like I need Jesus and another person to mediate God's presence in my life. I don't know how to go to Him. I still don't fully believe He'll be there. I'm terrified that I really am as alone as I feel. If I don't go to God, then I won't be disappointed if He doesn't show up. I'm still full of pain, but I can avoid facing my deepest fear. Yet, I'm still lonely.

Through counseling, God has shown me that He intentionally created me. I am no accident. My parents, experiences, ethnicity, body type, and personality are all on purpose. I do not know why. As much as I want to like myself, I don't. I think I'm crazy. I'm whimsical and melancholic. I appear flaky; I often feel like the absent-minded professor. The problem is, I have so many ideas about how to organize my materials at work that I become paralyzed. (Let me note that there are aspects I do like about myself at times. In general, I'm rather displeased.)

I don't need a plan. I don't worry about details. I see the big picture, and I hate wearing watches.

Before I believed in Jesus, I was a garden with a lot of weeds. Think of an abandoned, overgrown lot. Thick vines, tall grass: that was me.

God has been pruning and burning the weeds. My loneliness feels like a charred forest. God wants me to take His hand. Some days, I do; I see buds sprouting. Other days, I'm weeping in the ashes--grieving whom I am or whom I was.

God is cultivating my sense of being. The seeds are still in the ground. I feel barren.

The apostle Paul talked about how our old self dies (Romans 6: 6 and Ephesians 4: 22). I didn't realize it would be sad. I also didn't realize that there are parts of my self that are permanent.

God created me to do specific things (Ephesians 2: 10). It would be easier to know what those deeds were, so I'd have purpose. Maybe I'd understand why I'm so different. God, however, wants me to trust Him, because He is good.

I feel like no one understands me. I don't know why I think people should. Maybe I bear the image of God's mystery (wishful thinking, I know). God knows me perfectly (Psalm 139); no one else will ever come close to knowing me so well. I still don't know myself. Shouldn't I have gone through this as a teenager? I don't do anything as I should, and I am always late.

Even though this process is so difficult and so painful, I know it's the only way to draw closer to God. It's the only way to break the chains of seeking empty idols. So many times I seek the short-term fulfillment of idols. So often I ask God, "why me?" I wish I could walk away, back to my old self, but my old self was in worse shape then I am now. I wish I could blend in or be invisible, as I used to be.

I have a desire to be known and a desire to be a writer. I can only hide for so long before my feelings build in intensity, spilling over and crumbling the dam I built to hold it all together.

Inevitably, I will have a deer in headlights moment--why did I post this? Why will I? Why share this with strangers? Do I really need to add more snide remarks? Aren't mine enough? Yet, I don't care, because I want to get this out. Do I feel better? No, not really. Slightly peaceful. Repentance is confession and then trusting Jesus to pull the weeds and water the seeds of truth.

Jesus, forgive me for I have sinned. I go to you as my last resort. I long to seek you first, but I need your help. I surrender to you. Heal me. Restore me. Sculpt me into a person who follows you.

Social Experiment: Update!

Oh yes, there is an update.

Here's what I'm referencing: http://smileyface5.blogspot.com/2010/10/social-experiment.html

If you're like me, then you're too lazy to click on the link and read my previous post. Summary: In October 2010 ,I went out with some friends to the same spot 2 nights in a row. Saw the same guy twice. I had given him my number the first night, but I never heard from him. Shocking.

Fast forward to June 2011. While home, I received a random voicemail from some guy named Kevin looking to talk to an Erin whom he met in Las Vegas. While I had just recently went to Las Vegas, I had not met a Kevin. There was no "Hangover" plot during my first trip to Vegas. Well, you'll just have to trust me, since what happens in Vegas stays there.

I ignored it, because I didn't get it until several hours after he left the message. I figured he had figured out that he had dialed the wrong number.

Lets fast forward a tiny bit more to last week. I receive a text message from a phone # that is not in my address book. I ask who it is; he tells me his name is Kevin. I tell him that I do not know him. He was looking for an Erin Reese. He's trying to figure out how he knows me. I'm certain I don't know him and assume he must have entered a phone number wrong of the person he had met. So he finally says, well maybe we met at a bar. October 2010 flashed in my mind. Oh...yes, we met at Blue foot. He pretends he remembers me but gets all the details wrong.

I haven't learned my lesson either. I gave out my phone number last night. I was very surprised to receive a text message from the guy today. Just before church, of course. God has impeccable timing. I think dating is a social experiment I will never fully understand. It's a good thing I don't mind trial and error...

Loneliness in the digital age

I am an only child. I live alone. I'm introverted. I am single.

It should not be surprising that I have moments in which I feel lonely.

It's a feeling a loathe. I try to avoid it, a twisted hide and seek dodgeball kind of game. Despite my Herculean efforts, the loneliness persists.

Smart phones are not smart. Keep in mind, I am biased because I have yet to jump on the smart phone bandwagon. Also, let me be clear, I am not judging those of you with smart phones. They are quite convenient, especially the map/GPS function. I have definitely benefited from that function. I am merely commenting on this new cultural phenomenon.

As I was saying, smart phones seem to be more codependent than smart. People check them frequently. Even I, with my "dumb" phone, will check my phone when I feel lonely or bored.

E-mail, twitter, Facebook, text messages. People are connecting through written text. It's a wonderful thing. Perhaps it's my introverted side protesting, but I am cautious of being constantly available via the internet and/or smart phones.

What about time for reflection?

And now I must confess that I avoid time to reflect. It's something I want to do but have difficulty making time for it. Facebook sucks me in every time.

My point is that despite the instant connections through smart phones, loneliness persists.

Is there a cure for loneliness?

The cure is quite a process, but, personally, it has involved me cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ. I realize this might sound contrite. As meaningful and incredible as my journey has been (and will continue to be), I have no idea how to explain it. Partially because I still do not understand it myself.

All I know is that God has pursued me. He has saved me from the choking yoke of sin. After accepting Jesus as my Savior in 2009, I lost 40 pounds through Weight Watchers. I learned healthy eating habits and realized the value of hydration. I started running with a dear friend, who kept me accountable (she still does 2 years later!). I thought God was so cool. Last year, I first struggled with God. Things were not going my way. My weight was up and down like a yo-yo. I broke up with my boyfriend, partially for reasons aligned with the word of God. Yet, I felt sad and lonely. It did not make sense to me. I thought following God's will was associated with joy. I became angry about feeling sad and lonely. After 7 months, I finally admitted that I needed to see a counselor. God's presence during my counseling sessions is undeniable. It's a precious gift that reminds me He is pursuing me. It has been a painful and difficult process. I'd work so hard to be in control. I became so frustrated that I gave up. I wrote in my journal telling Jesus it was up to Him, because I was done. That's when things turned around. I'm still learning; I'm still learning to seek God instead of my stand-by idols. I'm still developing my relationship with God.

I still feel lonely, but I know it does not mean I am alone. God is always with me.

1 Corinthians 3:16
Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?

Who says you can't go home?

My memories swirl between fuzzy and clear and back to fuzzy. This post is probably the best way to preserve my memories before my recall distorts what happened. Here are some highlights, in no particular order, as my memories do not follow a chronological order.

1. Thunder, lightning, and rain. Alas, my family and friends already had their fill of rain, but it's a novelty for a girl from San Diego. I never thought the rain would be a delightful homecoming.

2. Practicing my golf swing. From a swing and a miss to a high arc.

3. Coming in 2nd place during a 5k race in Rouses Point. I averaged a 10 minute mile and there were 7-8 people in my age range.

4. Seeing deer. I saw a deer with my bestest friend as well as while walking with my mom. Walking is another highlight.

5. Visiting my bestest friend 3 times. Our smiles and laughter outnumber grains of sand. Who knew marshmallows equaled happiness.

6. A celebration of 10 years post high school graduation with a very special retired English teacher.

7. A flash rainstorm while dining in Lake Placid. Soggy calamari and chips never tasted so good.

8. Visiting family. Nothing beats being adored by younger cousins and reconnecting with family who knew me when I was knee-high.

9. Chocolate world, chocolate world, chocolate world! Watching my mom take a jello shot at 9 in the morning and going to see Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow in concert with 2 of my cousins.

10. Adopting a gag from Big Bang Theory in which I offer my Dad a "piece of chocolate" as positive reinforcement.

11. "Helping" my mom prepare for the family cook out. The first 20 minutes had us doubting the effectiveness of working together. Baking raspberry streusel muffins and banana bread. Making white chocolate chip macadamia nut pancakes and eating pumpkin pancakes.

12. Eating so many delicious things, including a michigan and an ice cream cone from Harrigans.

13. Sitting in the swing with my dad watching the river. I always miss the fish jumping out of the water.

14. Seeing the stars twinkle while walking outside from my room to the house to use the bathroom in the middle of the night (when else would I see stars?).

15. Floating down the river in an inner tube with my mom; chilling in the river while drinking a milkshake with Bailey's.

16. Drinking wine, snacking, and catching up with my favorite friends from Rouses Point.

17. Going to bed at 9 pm, having the power go out at 9:36 pm during a storm, waking up at 2:52 am to drive to Vermont. And now, I'm leaving on a jet plane. San Diego, here I come. Adios, East Coast.

Safe or 2nd base?

Last night was my first official encounter with the x-ray scanner at the airport. In all my travel last year, I somehow managed to avoid it. In San Diego, I told the agent that I did not want to go through the scanner. I was told to sit down in a chair while the man went to find an agent to pat me down. The female agent did not hide her annoyance. She was especially thrilled when I accepted the offer of a private room for the pat down. The articles in the news made the pat downs sound very invasive. I did not want people watching me being man-handled (well, woman-handled). So, the female agent had to find yet another female agent to witness the pat-down. The whole thing was awkward, but I suspect it was mostly awkward because the agent was so pissy about it.

No, I will not conform to a false-sense of security and go through an x-ray machine without a lead vest. Especially since I am given a lead vest at the dentist when the machine is only pointed toward my mouth. Although, I care more about the principle than the health risk.

I anticipated the pat-down to be analogous to 3rd base, but it was not that thorough.

In a private screening room, I stood on my soap box.

Love and faithfulness

This morning was pretty awesome; so awesome in fact, it set the course for my entire day. I love days like that. I was reviewing my prayer journal and found the page dedicated to myself. I reread two verses in a completely different way.

Proverbs 3: 3

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.

I used to think that I had to be loving and faithful. That's tough. This morning I read it realizing that I need to wear God's love and faithfulness never leave me. I need to trust that God is loving and faithful, always. That He will persevere through the heartache, suffering, and tragedies. Thanks to Pastor Stephen's message on Sunday, I realized that I have difficulty trusting in God. So this morning, I wore a necklace to remind me to trust that God is always loving and faithful.

Philippians 3: 8

More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain in Christ.

Once again, I used to think I understood this verse. I read it in Haiti and thought I needed to rid myself of worldly possessions. That, obviously, did not work out very well. This morning, I read it and saw it as a way of prioritizing things in my life. I so often believe lies that define myself in worldly things (weight, job, appearance, etc.). Today, however, I count them as rubbish compared to Jesus Christ, my Lord. I have the freedom to confess to Jesus how I do define myself in those things and there are things that I do want. Combine that with love and faithfulness, and I trust that God will reveal the desires of my heart. I trust Him to do so, and today I think I experienced joy in waiting. An answered prayer!

Even if for a day, I am thankful to have been able to trust in God's love and faithfulness and consider all things rubbish compared to Jesus. Pray for me, as tomorrow is a new day!

A difficult thought.

At the whole gospel class this morning through my church, I heard the speaker, Dr. Gates, tell a story from a male friend in South Africa. In it, the man was with his girlfriend in high school. His girlfriend was shot by a police officer or some militant man. An officer had stood over them with his gun but left instead of shooting either of them. Dr. Gates commented on how his friend had described that officer as a "Christian brother." Either Dr. Gates or the friend described it as a "perverted Christianity."

This story sparked a thought. No matter how "bad" or "evil" we judge someone to be based upon his or her actions, we are all brothers and sisters. We all need a Savior.

Being "pretty good" is not enough. Jesus lived perfectly and is willing to share His perfect record with us. He does not hoard His Father's kingdom; He shares it with us. He wants us to enter His kingdom.

The harsh reality is that we all need a Savior; our system for defining bad actions is just that: ours.

Fuel for an SLP

Today was Friday; sometimes, I feel so tired by the end of the week that a Friday is more like a Monday. I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to go to work. I enjoy working, so to not want to go is significant. Some days, I just want to curl up into a ball.

By the grace of God, I arrived to work on time. My morning appointment did not show. I was annoyed but glad to have time to accomplish other tasks.

My first group was two students who stutter. One is in third grade while the other is in second grade. One teacher reported that the student was participating more and using a strategy we had practiced the week before. The other student reported saying words she used to avoid. I was thrilled, so speech time became a time of celebration. The best part? They wanted to learn more, so they practiced math problems on the whiteboard. I was floating on air.

I also ran around my classroom with a group of kindergarten students playing zombies. It was really fun. It's also not unusual.

The second highlight of my day was exiting a student from special education services. He no longer needed speech therapy. It's just such a blessing to see the parent, the teacher, and myself supporting a student. It's also bittersweet to graduate students from speech. I'm so proud, but it means I no longer get to work with the student. He is such a good role model for pretend play; he has a convincing dragon impression.

As an added bonus, I practiced my Spanish today with a parent. We did fairly well communicating. Her daughter only translated for us a few times. I really just need to make up words, because half the time what I would have made up is actually correct.

I really am doing the job I was created to do.

Godly justice

Yesterday, after a long day at work, I drove through the alley behind my house to discover a car was parked in my space. I was confused. I pulled into my neighbor's empty space. I checked around to see if someone was visiting a neighbor, but no one else was home. My confusion turned to annoyance and frustration.

I decided to write a note with my phone number, since I parked behind the car. I wanted justice. I did not want a vicious confrontation, but this person needed to realize that her actions affected someone else.

Waiting for the phone call was tense. Finally, the phone rang with the awkward plea for me to move my car. She intended a quick trip that lasted longer than anticipated. I said next time...pause...well, you have my number so just call me to let me know. I moved my car; she moved hers and then waited for me to park. She was relieved that I offered my spot, if I wasn't home. Her name is Christine. She may call today or Tuesday if I'm not home to use my parking space.

Only God could have orchestrated justice and redemption in the same day.

Brace-less!

On 3/3/11, I wrote the following description and challenge regarding Exodus 11: 1.

"While Moses was asking for a 3-day excursion to the desert to worship the Lord, God planned for the liberation of the Israelites. God knew their deepest desires; He had seen their suffering and heard their cries. He provided for the root of their needs.

...

How will you be bold today? Let’s ask God for something we’d typically explain away as impossible. Write down the request and wait. Keep it somewhere safe, because blessed are those who wait upon the Lord (Isaiah 30: 18)."

That day, I wrote a list of 8 things. One was something I wanted immediate results; the rest were more long-term desires.

At the top of my list was "an appointment today with the specialist and/or taking care of the next step with 1 appointment." When I called to make an appointment, the soonest available was 5 days later. I was disappointed, but I put my trust in God to come through on the second half of my prayer request.

Today I sat in the waiting room, nervously. I told God that I was scared. I trusted Him to heal my wrist, but I also acknowledged that it may not look like how I want it to look like. I assumed the specialist would put my arm in a plaster cast. I began to ponder how quickly he could put my arm in a cast.

God acted upon my request in a way that I did not anticipate. The specialist looked at my x-ray reports and accessed the films on the digital database. He told me that my type of injury would not appear as healed for potentially 5 months or more. This does not mean it hasn't healed. He moved my hand and wrist around. It didn't hurt. The muscles were stiff when he rotated. He told me that I had to wean myself off the brace. I didn't have to put it on again. He told me that I could begin using it again but not to do anything vigorous until 4 weeks. I can type; I can jog; I can clap; I can drive with 2 hands! I will anticipate my return to Bollywood in 4 weeks!

He told me to schedule an appointment in 6 weeks; if I felt like my wrist was fine, then I could cancel it. He anticipates I will cancel it, thus only requiring one appointment to take care of the next step.

I was awed by God's tenderness and response to my request. I felt like Moses; I only asked for 3 days of release, but God liberated me completely. Praise God as He continues to heal my wrist and be with me as the muscles loosen up.

In case you're wondering, the first thing I did with BOTH of my hands was clap.

I will sing your praises, Lord! He healed me. :)

not alone

I'm so thankful for the body of Christ. I'm not alone. Support comes from many people. I'm learning to receive help from others. It's pretty cool! I have such incredible friends! Now i'm hoping God will heal my wrist, unless there's more for me to learn!

It's also been a blessing to contact some of the people from my 2nd Haiti team. Fun to reminisce, encourage each other, and remember that we aren't alone.

Community is such a blessing.

A few of my favorite things about today...

I drank cocoa with my breakfast.

I arrived at work on time.

I led some students in a mini-yoga session, including shavasana. One student, who reported being tired before speech therapy, said he felt like he had more energy.

One student said she wanted to be a speech teacher like me, because I'm the nicest teacher.

I was a zombie and an alien while playing with my group of kinders.

I treated myself to a massage after work. I'm so calm; I think I need to make this happen monthly!

I'm about to go to a friend's house for authentic Thai food and fantastic company!

Happy Wednesday to all! I thank God for the many blessings of today!

God surprised me with a gift!

On 2/5/11, I found a note in a Bible at the same church that the youth ministry (IOB) uses. The note expressed how I felt and was a communication from God telling me that he saw where I was. I thought about keeping it, but decided to return the note for someone else to read. Never did I imagine that I'd see someone read the note! Last night during IOB, a teen with whom I spend time with read the note. I saw her read it, and then saw that it clearly touched her heart as it had mine. I couldn't stop smiling. Finally, I hugged her and told her I had read the same note and it spoke to my heart. She also expressed a desire to keep the note but decided to leave it in the Bible for the next person. Perhaps she will be blessed to see at the next person read it. God is good; He has an incredibly practical plan to provide for us, but He also provides in such personal, relational ways for us. Praise, God for such a gift last night! I enjoy surprises and love it when God brings one that is completely unexpected.

The doctor said I'm special.

On January 19, I tripped on uneven sidewalk while jogging down 30th Street with a superb friend. The blue brace on my right hand is what I originally bought for my left hand until I received the fabulous black wrist brace close to 2 weeks after I fell.

My x-ray on January 21, showed a crack in my ulnar styloid. Using one hand in addition to the amount of writing and typing I do has caused tendonitis in my right hand (hence the brace for some support).

My follow-up x-ray on February 22 indicated that the crack on my ulnar styloid is still there, indicating the possibility of chronic fracture deformity (what's that??). I received a referral for an orthopedist. The physician's assistant explained that when people typically fall they break the radius bone. He said that I'm special. I did not crack the bone most people break.

I didn't need to crack a bone to know that I don't do what most people do. I've known that my entire life; finally, however, I have come to embrace my atypicality. We all bear different traits of God. We're all special. :)

Be prepared.

Consider yourself warned. Today was amazing. I spent most of my counseling session crying. I had started crying before my session even started. By crying, I mean loud, convulsing, hiccuping sobbing. I made noises so strange that it made me laugh. I read a poem that the Holy Spirit wrote through me and brought tears to my counselor's eyes.

Today was a climax within my journey. God liberated me. I grieved my past experiences and my past coping mechanisms. I began to see the lies I believed as lies. I began to see my pain and acknowledge myself. I finally asked myself what I needed.

Knowing I needed more time to process and to be still before God, I went home instead of attending the youth ministry I serve as one of the leaders. This decision was difficult, as I hate to disappoint people and often serve people at the expense of my own personal needs. (So it was super encouraging to see that God showed up, even though I wasn't there. Hallelujah!) This time I made my decision based upon my needs. So, I went to Twiggs to eat supper--a glimpse of the feast to come when God comes to dwell among us--and to write more about the stirring within me.

My counselor said that Jesus was collecting my tears. I joked that I hoped he turns them into wine. I know He will.

I have been unlocked; I have been released. I don't know what will come. Perhaps, the difference will be subtle. So be prepared. I'm done trying to fit a mold that I'm not meant to fill. I was created in God's image, and I make no apologies. The journey is not yet complete, but you have been warned. :)

God at work

God rocks. I love it when He shows up while I'm working. He knows my students best; it's such a blessing when he shows up to meet their needs!

One of my students, a 5th grade male who is able to correct my grammar, has characteristics similar to Asperger Syndrome (part of the Autism Spectrum Disorder). Yesterday, we discussed strategies for when he is bullied. I also told him that I'd go on the playground with him and help him talk with some students to find nice peers.

On the playground, he was weary of talking to other students. I felt a bout of introvertedness and suddenly I felt similar feelings as my student. Then God showed up. A student who I met in January or December approached us and says to me, "I played Uno with you." Her grace was beyond her years. She patiently waited for my student to talk to her while I instructed him to make eye contact and told him what to say. They acknowledged how each other had hurt their feelings and apologized to each other. The harmony of the situation was clearly orchestrated by God. Furthermore, she encouraged him to talk to her, "Don't be scared; you can ask me anything." I was also firm with my student as he said, "I can't" or expressed a desire to quit. "You can do this," I insisted. I felt like a coach. Debriefing with him revealed his fragile, scared heart. "What if it's a trick?" he asked me, "I have to test her." I explained that he could trust her.

It was one of my most rewarding moments as a speech language pathologist, and God did all of the work. :)

The Journey

I have reservations about the title of this blog. It is not a reference to the band, but it is a reference to a Linkin Park song, "In the End" from their Reanimation album. I have always been captivated by the words, "The journey is more important than the end or the start."

I often become so preoccupied with the destination that I can often fell contempt toward the journey.

Right now I am on the most incredible journey with God. I am learning to go to Him as my Father. I am seeing answering my prayers, pursuing my heart, and fulfilling my desires. He is showing me how to use my talents and gifts. I see it transforming how I provide therapy for my students. I am learning to trust my intuition in addition to the facts.

Two weeks ago I struggled with loneliness. "Struggled" is an understatement. I went to church two weeks ago, and tears streamed down my face with the force of an avalanche. Once it started, there was no stopping it as it grew exponentially. God knew I would not ask for help. I would not reach outward. My tears showed my friends I needed help. I still need to work on asking for help, especially with my dishes, since my wrist does hurt.

God met me in my loneliness. He used my precious community group and other friends to reach out. He has used my daily devotionals to bless others. He has used those who read my devotionals to bless me by reminding me of my own words. My brokenness is part of my testimony. I am a fragile little girl who has been kept hidden. I see a counselor through my church. She has mentioned 2 powerful images from the Bible. I used to be the disciples who shooed the children away from Jesus. Jesus makes it very clear we are not to do that.

An image I am striving for is connected to the story of the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus asks her for a drink of water. Jesus tested her when he inquired about her husband. She answered honestly, admitting she had none. Jesus knew how she had been seeking fulfillment from men. He did not rebuke her. He told her that He was the Messiah.

My current journey is a way of cultivating a deep well within me of living water. It is a place where I can go to quench my thirst for God, and I will also be able to pour out a glass of cool, refreshing living water for others who thirst.

It is a blessing to see God affirming my talents and using me on His behalf. Two weeks ago I loathed the journey. It is not easy, but God is with me. He meets me where I am, so part of me wants to this journey to last longer than is necessary. This is a very special time with God; some details of the journey I want to savor alone.

Broken

My wrist is essentially broken, but that is the least of my problems.

I am broken. My spirit, my soul is broken. I feel beyond fixing. I'm tired, weary, and wrestling with who God created me to be. I'm angry, scared, and lonely. I'm an introvert living in an extroverted world; how will anyone understand me? I don't even take the time to understand myself. It would just be one more thing in which I'm alone.

A second opinion

Wednesday morning at 6:00 a.m. I fell while jogging. I assume the sidewalk was uneven, and I tripped. I went from upright to sprawled on the sidewalk before I had time to process what happened. I was seriously stunned as I lay on the sidewalk. My knees are scraped and bruised. My pants ripped at my right knee, in which the scrape still requires a band-aid (a Scooby-Doo band-aid, no less). The top of my right forearm is scraped, and I have a bruise by my elbow. The best part? I may have sprained my wrist. The knob-like bone swelled. In time, my wrist continued to swell. Thursday, I realized I should probably go see a doctor. Friday, I got an x-ray, but I will not know the results until Monday.

What advice did I receive from the doctor? His advice shows the stark contrast between the Sensing preference and the Intuitive preference. In case you forgot, I am intuitive. Sensing people (75% of the population) rely upon facts. The doctor told me I should walk or use a stationary bike, because I do not want to fall again. This is practical advice. There's a slightly bitter taste in my mouth as I write practical. I am intuitive; I grasp possibilities. I don't ask why; I ask why not? It is physically possible for me to jog. My wrist hurts not my ankle or any other part of my leg, not even my knees, which are prone to be sensitive. I am physically capable of running, but the law of gravity seems to trump what's possible in a factual world.

I didn't dare tell my doctor that Thursday night I went hiking in the dark not to mention I drank a beer and ate a sandwich 3/4 of the way up. Was I concerned about falling? Of course. Do I let facts guide my life, or my decisions? No. Do I entertain facts while making decisions? Yes, but I value what is possible. Jogging is possible, but I will walk this weekend while rolling my eyes.

Feeling

I feel things, deeply. I internalize so much. I haven't written about Haiti, because it is too painful. I feel the desperation of the people. I am suffocated by their injustices.

I cling to possibilities while forgetting the facts. God loves the people in Haiti. God is just. He sent his son to die for our sins. We are saved through Jesus. God wins.

My counselor keeps reminding me that I bear God's image. It's felt unbearable my entire life. I always felt like I was wrong. I'm adaptable, so I'd change my colors to blend in with my surroundings. I can't change my colors. I can't blend in. I will never blend in. I am the color in a black and white world. I never ask "why;" I ask "why not?"

I struggle with authenticity. How can I be an heir in God's kingdom when I cannot earn my righteousness? I am not righteous. I wrestle with the cornerstone of Christianity.

I am baffled by how I can feel joyful and an aching sadness at the same time. I feel what others feel. It does not mean I understand how that person feels, but I feel it to a lesser degree. God hasn't shown me what to do with my ability to feel.

How did Jesus walk the earth knowing he had the power to heal everyone? He did nothing on his own; he completely relied upon his Father. Why can't I accept that God did not create me to heal everyone? How do I become entangled within a web of possibilities while ignoring the facts? And this is a good thing? God intentionally created me this way? God is pleased with me?

I feel like a piece of art. Its beauty is revealed the more it is studied. I'm still studying, asking my Father to reveal my beauty. I'm tired of avoiding myself; I'm tired of going down the destructive path. I still do not know which gifts and talents are unique to me. God is pruning my branches. I feel like a giant weed. How long, O Lord? Thank you for remembering me and loving me.

I hate sharing my thoughts, because I haven't sorted things out yet. I prefer to understand my world before I express it. But I believe that my brokenness is part of my testimony. God is with me. He meets me in my brokenness. I just can't recognize him, yet.

Mixing church and state?

I used to be staunchly against church and state during my college years. I wore the secular humanist hat proudly. I'm still liberal, but now I believe in Jesus and attend a church. Now, I work at a school.

Driving home, I was thinking about 2 students of mine who are struggling with bullying, because they are different. I have prayed to Jesus to fight their injustice. My students always ask me what to do or what to say when it happens. I've talked with the school counselor to give them tips as well as their teachers. Driving home, Jesus offered some advice. I can tell my 2 students to look at the bully and say, "I forgive you" just before they walk away.

I figure the bully will be surprised to hear he or she is forgiven. Maybe I can speak truth into the lives of my students by serving them. What's that quote? "Preach the gospel always and when necessary use words." attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.

Lead me to the cross

While in Haiti trip numero dos, Joel read the sermon on the mount from Matthew (also referred to as the Beatitudes). I was moved to tears listening to the word of God. I cried in front of our entire group as I shared what God put on my heart. I cannot recall clearly what I said, but I remember being grabbed by "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be satisfied."

Justice has always been a passion of mine. Up until 2005, I planned on becoming a Supreme Court justice. I studied for and took the LSAT. I decided against becoming a lawyer, because I knew the job would burn me out. I had stopped believing in God while I was in college, so being a lawyer without knowing Jesus as Savior would have been unbearable. I also stopped reading the news when the United States waged war against Iraq. The news of the world was just too sad. My frustration grew, because I could not fix the problems of the world. I still have to remind myself that the position for Savior of the world has already been filled. (Can I get an Amen?)

One thing I have noticed, and if you are friends with me on Facebook you may have also noticed, is that I appear to be hungering and thirsting after knowledge. I've been bookmarking and sharing articles and websites related to Haiti, justice, missions, and, honestly, I'm not sure what else because I struggle with time to read all of it.

I'm excited to see how God will use me. To be honest, I was very frustrated with my lack of progress since returning from Haiti. I submitted an article to the San Diego Tribune that will be published tomorrow in the editorial section. I am beyond excited as I truly see two verses at work in this: Psalm 37: 4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, and John 5: 19 Jesus gave them this answer: "Very truly I tell you, the son can do nothing by himself." Growing up, I wanted to be a published author. Perhaps, I will never publish a book, but a newspaper article feeds into that same desire. I also feel, however, anxious about what I wrote. I barely remember what I wrote. Are the thoughts I wrote the ones that should be shared with the world? At this point, I can only trust God, and I trust that He guided me as I wrote what I submitted to the San Diego Union Tribune. I am still waiting to hear from the NY Times. I submitted a different article. I have an idea for a third article with an idea of where to submit it.

I am just so thankful to see God use me. I asked Patti what I could do while we sat in the common area of Pastor David's house one evening. She mentioned writing editorials for newspapers. BAM. God made it happen. I am in awe of how God weaves our lives together, how God uses us to encourage each other.

I grasp possibilities rather than rely on facts. Counseling has helped me see this imbalance. I am really excited about how God is actually helping me gather some facts as I feel voracious for information. Yesterday my counselor asked me about future trips to Haiti, and I said that I did not know. I'm focusing on living authentically, which means serving my community. My goal is to consistently participate with service events through Adams Avenue Crossing and to regularly attend a Haitian church service. Prayers for the later will be much appreciated. Prayer for time to read everything I have bookmarked in my web browser would also be much appreciated.

More importantly, I pray that we all may learn to listen to God, so that we may help those had he has created us to help. Thousands of people asked Jesus to heal them, but he only healed those whom the Father told him to heal. God has a plan to satisfy all of the injustices in the world. Amen!

One year

I have had a heavy heart since returning from my second trip to Carrefour. I appreciated being able to lift up my brothers and sisters in prayer, but I kept feeling a pull to do something. There are so many needs to be met, I began to feel overwhelmed. I began to carry the burden of the country on my shoulders.

But then I remember the gospel. Jesus came to save us. We live in a broken world; Jesus came to forgive us of our sins. He came to bridge the gap between God and mankind. God confused our language, so we could not build a tower to Heaven. Instead, he sacrificed his only son so that we could enter heaven through Jesus.

As I continue to pray for Haiti, I ask God to fulfill this promise in Isaiah 30 (verse 18) Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him.

I struggle to wait, but I can rest trusting in a God of justice and compassion. As I hunger and thirst for justice, God has already provided for the justice I seek among my brothers and sisters.

Haiti has a long, hard journey ahead of them, but God is with them and will provide for their needs.

Psalm 46: 1-3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its water roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

A student editor

I am blessed to work at an elementary school. I am blessed to work with a student who is capable of proof-reading my grammar.

On Wednesday, I typed notes regarding what he was telling me so I could discuss with his teacher and other colleagues as necessary.

He stood next to me and proofread what I wrote. I conceded the first correction, but after the second, I felt the need to defend myself. These are my notes. My goal is content not grammar.

My inner-geek beamed as I was corrected by one of my students. The art of grammar will not disappear completely.

Love: it's that simple.

Even pop culture declared love is important. In the first Austin Powers movie, Burt Bacharach sang, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love." Another trustworthy source? Jesus.

Mark 12: 28-31

²⁸ One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

²⁹ “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ³⁰ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

(source: biblegateway.com; New International Version 2010)

To love your neighbor as yourself. What if we all started one neighbor as we love ourself? What would that look like? Would you bring a plate of cookies? Invite your neighbor over for dinner? Seek to speak to your neighbor when you finally saw him or her outside?

Out of 6 neighbors, I have talked with 3 of them. Of those 3, I have a friendship with one (a couple). I watch their cat while they're away. They've had me over for dinner. It's a start. Since I moved in during 2009, I wanted to have a gathering and invite all of my neighbors. I have yet to do such a thing. Currently, I'm thinking of hosting something every 2nd Friday of the month, or something like that. I'd like to host something consistent to build relationships. Maybe every 4th Friday so I can actually start this month. I added making invitations to my to-do list.

If it's one thing I learned in Haiti, it is the importance of love. I went to love people. I did not love everyone I met; I'm not God nor Jesus. I was able to love by listening, praying, hugging, smiling, and laughing. I was able to love them, because God loves them. He uses us to love each other; he uses us as an extension of himself and his love.

Out of all the changes I'm mulling around in my head, I think the most effective thing I could do is to love everyone I met to the best of my ability.

I wrote these verses in my journal while in Carrefour.

Philippians 2: 3, 14-16

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and purse, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as your hold out the word of life.

May you all shine like stars (free of light pollution and cloud cover).

If you really knew me...

I started counseling through my church in November. My counselor had me take one of the original versions of the Myers Briggs Personality Test. I filled out a scantron sheet. I am used to administering standardized tests, but it has been about 3 years since I was a participant.

I have already shared my results: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving. One percent of the population shares the same combination. 75% of the population is extroverted (25% introverted), 75% of the population is Sensing (25% intuitive), thinking versus feeling and judging versus perceiving is split 50/50.

Last December, my counselor described a student who was an INFP in a class full of students with different personalities. She alluded to the loneliness that the student must have felt. I responded by expressing my desire to figure out which of my students are potential kindred INFPs. My counselor looked at me sternly but not angrily and said, "I was talking about you." I do struggle with loneliness. I think that adds to the difficulties of returning from Haiti. On top of everything I experienced, I went from being surrounded by over 15 wonderful people to living life by myself (with a supportive, loving community). I'm lonely in addition to all of my other struggles.

So, if you really knew me, then you'll realize the following description of INFP from Myers Briggs is eerily accurate.

People with INFP preferences have a great deal of warmth, but may not show it until they know a person well. They keep their warm side inside, like a fur-lined coat. They are very faithful to duties and obligations related to ideas or people they care about. They take a very personal approach to life, judging everything by their inner ideals and personal values.

They stick to their ideals with passionate conviction. Although their inner loyalties and ideals govern their lives, they find these hard to talk about. Their deepest feelings are seldom expressed; their inner tenderness is masked by a quiet reserve.

In everyday matters they are tolerant, open-minded, understanding, flexible, and adaptable. But if their inner loyalties are threatened, they will not given an inch. Except for their work's sake, INFPs have little wish to impress or dominate. The people they prize the most are those who take the time to understand their values and the goals they are working toward.

Their main interest lies in seeing the possibilities beyond what is present, obvious, or known. They are twice as good when working at a job they believe in, since their feeling puts added energy behind their efforts. They want their work to contribute to something that matters to them--human understanding, happiness, or health. They want to have a purpose beyond their paycheck, no matter how big the check. They are perfectionists whenever they care deeply about something.

INFPs are curious about new ideas and tend to have insight and long-range vision. Many are interested in books and language and are likely to have a gift of expression; with talent they may be excellent writers. They can be ingenious and persuasive on the subject of their enthusiasms, which are quiet but deep-rooted. They are often attracted to counseling, teaching, literature, art, science, or psychology. The problem for some INFPs is that they may feel such a contrast between their ideals and their actual accomplishments that they burden themselves with a sense of inadequacy. This can happen even when, objectively, they are being as effective as others. It is important for them to use their intuition to fid ways to express their ideals; otherwise they will keep dreaming of the impossible and accomplish very little. If they find no channel for expressing their ideals, INFPs may become overly sensitive and vulnerable, with dwindling confidence in life and in themselves.

Additionally, Myers Briggs lists 12 adjectives to describe my personality combination: compassionate, gentle, virtuous, adaptable, committed, curious, creative, loyal, devoted, deep, reticent, empathetic. Famous people who were also Intuitive and Feeling include Joan of Arc, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and William Shakespeare. It's no wonder I have always admired Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. It's no wonder I want to change the world. Knowing my personality type helps bring awareness to how I am susceptible to sin and where I need God. My problem is, I have this stupid inner standard of being self-sufficient despite knowing I cannot accomplish such a goal. Hence why I share my brokenness--I need to remind myself that I'm a broken mess. I need to remind myself that I need a Savior. I still try to save myself, and I always feel worse after.

After my dad read the list of 12 adjectives this past year, he described my personality type as "religious." While I do not approve of that word, I do rely on my personal relationship with Jesus. Growing up Catholic, I was told one could only talk to God through a priest. As a child (who not only trusted authority but is also really gullible--I would say "was" gullible, but the people on the FUMC team recently witnessed by gullibility), I never believed that message. I knew I could communicate with God without a priest. At the time, I did not know it was because of Jesus' sacrifice. Recently, I have noticed that I am much more cheerful on mornings I start by reading a chapter in the Bible and writing about it. I just need to figure out how to work in an afternoon devotional, because I'm more likely to take my burden back from Jesus later in the day.

If you really knew me, then you'd know it would be a struggle to express all of this out loud.

Thankful for my community

A dear friend told me today that it's not up to me to fix the situation in Haiti. It's not up to me to change the world. The facts support this statement. The Bible makes it clear that Jesus came to save the world. Even if you do not believe in Jesus, the circumstances of the world indicate that one person cannot save the world. It was beyond encouraging to hear her compliment my work as a speech language pathologist.

This past week at work, I have seen a change in how I relate to my students. It is not a major change; it is a subtle shift. I feel like I am more encouraging, more sensitive to their feelings, and more willing to be silly and have fun. I told one student that he can do anything he wants, because he is so smart. I showed a group of first grade boys functional MRI scans of my brain, telling them that they too can have a brain as big as mine. To transition back to work, I told them it was time to build their brain muscle. A parent told me that it's clear I love my job. Her son came to me a year ago. This third grade student defined himself as a stutterer. He was visibly tense as we talked, because he was afraid he would stutter. Today, he was relaxed and reported that he doesn't even think about talking anymore. One student beamed when I recalled him sharing his favorite food was pozole two years ago. Perhaps his smile was so big, because he was thinking about eating pozole. Either way, I will do anything I can to support my students. I want to see them succeed. I wonder what they will do in the future. I wonder if they'll remember their speech teacher. What, if anything, will they remember me saying? Will any of them forget when my shoe went flying across the room, because I was showing them why kicking their leg as high as they could was a poor idea. I pray to God to use me to serve their needs, because only God knows what my students need to hear.

Yet my heart is still broken. I do not know why I keep carrying the burden of fixing the world. Part of me is thankful that I am broken. Thankful that, perhaps, I have been changed by my second trip to Haiti. Perhaps I will not return to life as usual and forget my experience. Yet, my entire trip feels like a dream. It does not feel real. I really saw my brother for a second time? I was really back at Pastor David's house last week? Last Friday, Dorly walked 7 of us to church. I had so much fun worshiping God in a different cultural style. The musicality of Creole adds to the richness of the song. Haitians do not worship standing still. They dance, and I love it!

But I cannot be thankful for how I am reacting to my brokenness. I am stifled by my inward values and standards. Standards that are unrealistic. I am seeking to figure out what I can reasonably expect of myself and what I need to ask God to do. Because if I continue to support Haiti, I want to live consistently and authentically. To me that means also serving my immediate community. This means I want to be more active through Adams Avenue Crossing, and I want to regularly attend the Haitian church service in San Diego. I also want to become involved with a co-worker who is helping an orphanage in Tijuana. Can I sustain all of these goals? No, but God can sustain me and these endeavors if it is His will.

I thought I could wait until January 11 for my next counseling session. I probably should have asked for an appointment yesterday. Oh well. Prayer for discipline to write tomorrow would be much appreciated.

My heart is broken for my Haitian brothers and sisters. I am broken. While I hate sharing my brokenness, I really think that is what God wants me to do. I am free in Jesus Christ; this means I am free to share my brokenness. There's nothing wrong with being broken. I shared my brokenness in Haiti and the world did not end. I can share it here.

Spontaneous language

Before vacation in December, I went to a first grade classroom to get two students for group. I greeted him as I greet all of my students, "how are you?" He responded, "I have a wedgie." The second student felt the need to clarify that he did not have a wedgie.

I still laugh thinking about it. This is the goal of my job-spontaneous language. Pragmatics is the second goal...

Hope for the hopeless

[photo credit: Steve Hammond]

On page 29 of The Allure of Hope, Jan Meyers wrote, "The wild reality of God, though, is that this is where hope begins. Hope begins when the memory of what was becomes a longing for what is to be restored."

Realizing that hope begins when hope feels lost made me realize that despite my hopelessness, despite my limitations, I can be hopeful through Jesus Christ.

God will rectify all of the injustices. God will love and comfort my brothers and sisters in Haiti. God will use me to bring glory to his kingdom. God is using me in ways I do not understand. God uses me to serve my students at work. God pursues my heart despite my fig leaves to hide my nakedness.

The great news is that God will bring justice and prosperity to the people in Haiti. God will provide for all who suffer throughout the world, not just Haiti.

It's not up to me to save the world. God already knows what that will look like.

My brother taught me part of a song in French:

Je tu donne ma vie (I give you my life)

Je tu donne mon coeur (I give you my heart)

Je tout donne tout ce que j`ai (I give you all that I have)

Ce que je suis est a toi (what I am is yours)

Je tu donne ma vie

Je tu donne mon coeur

Je tout donne tout ce que j`ai

Je t`appartiens (I belong to you)

I sang it while riding the bus from Carrefour to the airport in Port-au-Prince. I sang it as a lullaby. I sang it while sitting on the airplane in Denver, and I started to cry.

I feel like I will fail my brother and that thought terrifies me. The truth is, I'm human. I will fail my brother. God never fails. Jesus died to forgive my failures. God planned around my failures. God loves me despite my failures. God knows me perfectly, yet loves me anyway.

My hope is in God. His Kingdom will reign forever.

An orphan's tears

God answers prayer. I need to remember that as I struggle with returning to my life in America.

Before I went to Haiti, I read Revelation 21: 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

When I first read it, I asked God: who will wipe the tears of joy from your eyes? I dared to ask that I could wipe the tears from His eyes.

For some reason, every time I asked someone their name in Haiti, I had the hardest time understanding them. The sound combinations of French and/or Creole were just too much for my brain, acclimated to English sounds. So, I cannot tell you the name of the girl you see in the picture sitting on my lap. She was glued to me both times my team and I visited the orphanage, but I do not know her name.

On December 31, we went to the orphanage for our last time. The girl in the picture only left me to get a plate of rice. I saw her tears before she went to get rice. I thought of wiping one from her eye, as I would from God's eye. My first attempt failed. The tear was so close to her eyelid that I feared poking her eye was more likely than wiping her tear. I think this girl always had tears in her eyes. After she dropped her plate of rice, there were fresh tears. After she made her way back to my lap, I wiped a tear from her eye.

My description fails to capture the awe I experienced to wipe a tear from her eye. God answered my prayer to wipe a tear from His eye. God answered my prayer to connect with Him. God heard my prayer and responded.

While I agonize over the injustice in Haiti, in the USA, in the entire world, while I agonize over my inability to fix it all, I will trust God to hear my prayers. I will trust God, because He is faithful, and, if my heart is broken over injustice, I cannot begin to fathom how much more broken God feels.

Matthew 5:6 (New Living Translation)

God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied.

God, everyone who experienced and witnessed injustices in this world will be satisfied. Come, Lord Jesus!