One year

I have had a heavy heart since returning from my second trip to Carrefour. I appreciated being able to lift up my brothers and sisters in prayer, but I kept feeling a pull to do something. There are so many needs to be met, I began to feel overwhelmed. I began to carry the burden of the country on my shoulders.

But then I remember the gospel. Jesus came to save us. We live in a broken world; Jesus came to forgive us of our sins. He came to bridge the gap between God and mankind. God confused our language, so we could not build a tower to Heaven. Instead, he sacrificed his only son so that we could enter heaven through Jesus.

As I continue to pray for Haiti, I ask God to fulfill this promise in Isaiah 30 (verse 18) Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him.

I struggle to wait, but I can rest trusting in a God of justice and compassion. As I hunger and thirst for justice, God has already provided for the justice I seek among my brothers and sisters.

Haiti has a long, hard journey ahead of them, but God is with them and will provide for their needs.

Psalm 46: 1-3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its water roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

Hope for the hopeless

[photo credit: Steve Hammond]

On page 29 of The Allure of Hope, Jan Meyers wrote, "The wild reality of God, though, is that this is where hope begins. Hope begins when the memory of what was becomes a longing for what is to be restored."

Realizing that hope begins when hope feels lost made me realize that despite my hopelessness, despite my limitations, I can be hopeful through Jesus Christ.

God will rectify all of the injustices. God will love and comfort my brothers and sisters in Haiti. God will use me to bring glory to his kingdom. God is using me in ways I do not understand. God uses me to serve my students at work. God pursues my heart despite my fig leaves to hide my nakedness.

The great news is that God will bring justice and prosperity to the people in Haiti. God will provide for all who suffer throughout the world, not just Haiti.

It's not up to me to save the world. God already knows what that will look like.

My brother taught me part of a song in French:

Je tu donne ma vie (I give you my life)

Je tu donne mon coeur (I give you my heart)

Je tout donne tout ce que j`ai (I give you all that I have)

Ce que je suis est a toi (what I am is yours)

Je tu donne ma vie

Je tu donne mon coeur

Je tout donne tout ce que j`ai

Je t`appartiens (I belong to you)

I sang it while riding the bus from Carrefour to the airport in Port-au-Prince. I sang it as a lullaby. I sang it while sitting on the airplane in Denver, and I started to cry.

I feel like I will fail my brother and that thought terrifies me. The truth is, I'm human. I will fail my brother. God never fails. Jesus died to forgive my failures. God planned around my failures. God loves me despite my failures. God knows me perfectly, yet loves me anyway.

My hope is in God. His Kingdom will reign forever.

An orphan's tears

God answers prayer. I need to remember that as I struggle with returning to my life in America.

Before I went to Haiti, I read Revelation 21: 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

When I first read it, I asked God: who will wipe the tears of joy from your eyes? I dared to ask that I could wipe the tears from His eyes.

For some reason, every time I asked someone their name in Haiti, I had the hardest time understanding them. The sound combinations of French and/or Creole were just too much for my brain, acclimated to English sounds. So, I cannot tell you the name of the girl you see in the picture sitting on my lap. She was glued to me both times my team and I visited the orphanage, but I do not know her name.

On December 31, we went to the orphanage for our last time. The girl in the picture only left me to get a plate of rice. I saw her tears before she went to get rice. I thought of wiping one from her eye, as I would from God's eye. My first attempt failed. The tear was so close to her eyelid that I feared poking her eye was more likely than wiping her tear. I think this girl always had tears in her eyes. After she dropped her plate of rice, there were fresh tears. After she made her way back to my lap, I wiped a tear from her eye.

My description fails to capture the awe I experienced to wipe a tear from her eye. God answered my prayer to wipe a tear from His eye. God answered my prayer to connect with Him. God heard my prayer and responded.

While I agonize over the injustice in Haiti, in the USA, in the entire world, while I agonize over my inability to fix it all, I will trust God to hear my prayers. I will trust God, because He is faithful, and, if my heart is broken over injustice, I cannot begin to fathom how much more broken God feels.

Matthew 5:6 (New Living Translation)

God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied.

God, everyone who experienced and witnessed injustices in this world will be satisfied. Come, Lord Jesus!

Happy in Haiti

It may be difficult to see in the picture, but there is a purple hippo on my air mattress. This picture was taken from my trip in July.

The hippo's name is Happy. I bought him 10 years ago in Washington, D.C. I was in D.C. for a youth law and advocacy conference. My nickname in high school was Happy. When I saw the hippo had the same name as I did, it was clear that I had to buy it.

In April, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I decided that Happy would be my tangible representation of God's love. I brought Happy with me to Haiti in July and I brought him with me in December.

During my time in Haiti, I read Philippians. The Holy Spirit stirred my heart. I was "in the zone" spiritually, some moments stronger than others. Our last night, we made a pile of our stuff to donate to Carl's (one of our interpreter's) tent community. Dubs and I put all of the donations in two oversized plastic trash bags.

Our last night in Haiti was the quietest, and it was the only night I did not sleep well. As I laid there, restless, I decided that I could give more of my stuff. I decided that Happy could bring a smile to a child's face. I pray to God that Happy is a physical and tangible reminder of God's love for whoever receives my 10 year old hippo.

Happy is only in Haiti, but God is everywhere.

An aching heart

This photo describes how I feel right now. Beautiful, artistic, determined yet crumbled. I feel broken. I feel hopeless. This morning I asked Jesus to carry my burden of hopelessness. He did but at some point during the day, I took it back from him. Instead of asking him to take it back, I continued to carry it.

I feel so many things. I feel alone. Not only do I miss my friends and my brother in Haiti, I miss the team from Albany (New York and Georgia). I feel like my experience in Haiti existed in a vacuum. Now that I'm back to the grind, I feel confused, lost, and wondering what is next.

It is a constant battle to remind myself that God is taking care of this. As strange as it may sound, I'm pleased God is challenging the way I live. I welcome how he is working on my heart.

I'm so blessed to know my personality type: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perception (INFP). According to the Myers Briggs description, people with my combination "are perfectionists whenever they care deeply about something." I will state the obvious and say I care deeply about Haiti. I feel stunted, however, knowing that I cannot do what needs to be done. I know I will fall short of my own standards. Tonight, I let that burden crush me. I'm scared, because I have to wait let God do it. I have to let God accomplish it when the time is appropriate not necessarily as soon as I want it to happen. As frustrated as I may feel, I know God will accomplish beyond what I hope for Haiti. It is absolutely fantastic that God will care for everyone in Haiti. God knows his people perfectly; he will show them the desires of their heart. He will provide perfectly for them. I rejoice knowing that God will care for his people.

I have learned the importance of prayer with my personality type. I feel like I can pick up on certain things that people need, whether stated or not. I can use that to pray for people. The problem is, I want to DO something. So, I continuously preach the gospel to myself. I just keep wondering what it is that I can do. Writing takes time. Everything takes time. Why isn't there a switch to make everything fair and just in the world? Why can't Jesus return now? That's what I'm really yearning to see happen.

This morning on my way to work I was pondering writing a letter to Oprah. If I could convince her to support Haiti...Or maybe I will write something and ask her to publish it. I used to want to write a book that would be selected as part of her book club. I do not dream small. Yet it is no accident that I am an INFP. I just need a little help organizing myself and implementing my multitude of ideas.

It also slightly bothers me to be churning these ideas without a resolution. As an introvert, I like to understand the world before experiencing it. I like to know what's up; right now, I don't know what's up or what's down. I am so excited that the FUMC team raised nearly enough money to fund at least a year of rent for our interpreter who lives in a tent community to rent a house large enough to use a room to teach. But then my sinful side encroaches and I ask myself, what am I doing to contribute? What is my project? Of course, I already have a list of things to do, but the list is focused on fact-gathering. I grasp possibilities instead of relying on facts, so my to-do list overwhelms me. And then there's my standard of perfection that makes me reluctant to even start the task. I trust God to show up and help me accomplish the list. I know God will help me. I'm not even going to worry about it anymore. I will look into it on Saturday. I need to be well-rested in order to have enough energy to put into the work required for my to-do list.

Since landing in San Diego on January 3 12:40 a.m., today was the first day I actually felt rested. Only to be worn out my day at work but in a good way. I use yoga to teach students how to follow directions and model language to describe where their feet and hands are in relation to each pose we do. I use toys to encourage students to talk. I use a soccer ball to teach turn-taking and to encourage spontaneous conversation. My students and I ask each other questions. I shared with quite a few groups that I went to Haiti over vacation. We looked at Haiti on the map; I will bring in pictures. I work with 2 students who need help with social skills. The fifth grade student corrects my grammar. I love it. Those 2 students, however, need help with bullying. It drains me, because I lack the organized response they need. Today I emphasized how they need to come tell me as these things occur, so we can use our time together developing a plan. I will consult with the school counselor and discuss what is going on with their teachers, but my heart breaks for them.

I taught my students the games we played in Haiti with the students. One student knew the "I said a boom-chick-a-boom" game.

God will reveal his plan for me. Meanwhile, I will continue to serve Him through my life here in San Diego and through writing.

This mess of thoughts is at least a step forward in understanding my world.

Lost in America

I returned to Haiti for a second time from December 27, 2010 through January 2, 2011. The second trip opened my eyes. I changed a lot during 2010; I changed a lot since my first trip to Haiti. The second trip was convicting: I do not live as a follower of Christ.

Since landing in Fort Lauderdale, I am disgusted and saddened by all of the excess. Yet, I also catch my sinful side slipping back into complacency and routine.

My brain cannot understand how people in Haiti do not have their basic needs met while people in America have their needs over-met, despite American citizens who do not have their basic needs met, either.

We are all broken; we are all sinners.

I know the change I yearn for in my heart can only be accomplished through God, but I keep questioning what it is that I can do. How can I use my time, talents, and treasure to provide for those in God's kingdom, whether they believe in Jesus or not.

How can I live here knowing that there's work to be done? What is it that I'm supposed to do? What about my ministry here in San Diego? There are people who need to be fed, people who need to know God's word, and people who need to be loved.

How long, Lord, must we wait?

Yesterday, while driving to work, I cried seeing the elaborate highway with ramps looming above me. I cried seeing the highway cleared of trash. I cried on my way to work again this morning.

I lamented seeing the mass of tea and coffee available at the staff lounge in my school.

I fear that I will become complacent. I fear that I will stop crying on my way to work. How do I live in two worlds? I pray that my heart continues to break as God's heart breaks when he looks down from heaven. I also pray, however, that he shows me what to do. Because feeling hopeless with a God full of hope, feeling lost with a God who is a good shepherd is difficult. Perhaps, if I would just learn to be patient God would not require me to wait so long. Until then, I trust in God and his faithfulness to all of his promises. Until then, I will be waiting ready to say men mwen, hoping I hear God's voice.

There's something about Haiti and babies...

When I arrived in Carrefour, the McLanes shared the good news that they were expecting a third baby.

When I returned to San Diego, the Reams shared that they were also pregnant. They have an indirect connection to Haiti, but they are part of the baby craze.

In August, Wilbert, one of the interpreters, shared that his wife was pregnant.

Recently, I found out that a member from the trip is pregnant.

Today I found out that Wilbert's wife had their baby. More details should be forthcoming.

Father, I pray for these growing families. Welcome these precious babies into your family with open arms. Father, I ask that you keep these babies on your path of righteousness. May these children always know your love. May their parents share their faith and point to your son, Jesus, always.

Dreams

I meant to blog about a dream I had in August, but, evidently, I did not. It felt too personal to share.

I had a dream that I saw Zick, my brother in Haiti. This dream felt so real, I wonder if somehow God truly connected us through this dream. It was such a blessing, because at that point I had not heard from my brother. I was slightly disappointed that I had not heard from him, but my faith was in God, and I trusted he was keeping Zick safe.

Last night, I had a dream similar in vividness. I was sitting on a roof in Haiti. It was not the same area in which I had visited. In my dream, I thought, Wow, I'm really in Haiti. I knew I was not truly there, but it felt like it. My dream was a paradox, because I felt like I was in Haiti while realizing I was not. While sitting on the roof, a car drives by and I see Zick. We wave to each other. Also, in my dream I had received a second e-mail from Zick. (In real life, I did receive an e-mail from Zick 2 weeks ago.)

I am thankful for these dreams. I appreciate feeling connected to Haiti.

I am returning December 27-January 2. I am excited to return and to celebrate the new year in Carrefour. What a special way to start 2011. I am still in the process of finalizing my trip details, but I am planning to return. It's hard for me to believe that I will return, but I'm also really excited. Dorly's birthday is January 2, so I will bring him a birthday present. I realize I cannot guarantee that I will see him, or Zick, or Wilbert. I will be staying at the same house in July, so I appreciate being able to return to the same area. I can actually see what has changed since July.

I trust God completely with this trip; I know He has already planned it for me. I do hope that I do not miss any flights this time around, but I accept God's plan as my own. God is good, all the time!

Slipping away?

I've reached a point in which I've become comfortable with my routine (more or less...). I've re-adjusted to life in the States. I feel like a drone.

How do I preserve my experience in Haiti? One option is remembering the faith I learned and witnessed there. This task is enough to keep me busy, but it is not enough. Perhaps it should be sufficient.

I do not have trip #2 planned. I have not returned to the Haitian church service. I owe Wilbert an e-mail. He asked for creation pictures; I have none to offer.

I feel disconnected from Haiti. Perhaps ordering pictures and scrapbooking would help. I could create a personal, spiritual reminder of my trip. Plus, I've wanted to sift through my blog posts and create an overview letter to send out (most likely at Christmas time).

I will be making a Haitian dish for a church potluck, so that is a nice reminder.

Feeling disconnected--perhaps it has nothing to do with Haiti. Perhaps, I am feeling disconnected with God. I still feel like there's something more I should be doing for my Haitian brothers and sisters.

Is this what happens after a mission trip? Life returns to normal? I don't think I can accept that.

Prayer Requests from Haiti

Some of these stories I have already posted, but here is a comprehensive list of prayer requests from or for people I met during my trip to Haiti.

1. Vina: I met her in the Fort Lauderdale airport. She also missed the flight from Fort Lauderdale to Port-au-Prince because of the delay at the Philadelphia airport. She grew up in Haiti; she had returned in 2001 but had not returned since. I asked her to tell me about Haiti in case I was not able to fly out the next day. She told me the people were resilient and the food is delicious. I can confirm that statement! She was on a missions trip and then was hoping to stay longer to visit family, depending upon whether she felt safe or not.

2. Clint White, Matt, and Geftay. These three gentlemen picked me up from the airport. It was a blessing to run errands with them, to witness a day in the life of a missionary. Please pray for them to be patient as they follow wherever Jesus leads them. May they continue to spread the good news in Haiti; I ask that the hand of Jesus be present in all of their conversations and interactions.

3. "Sumen" and Jonas. They lived 2 houses down from where we stayed. "Sumen" is pregnant and requested a good day for when she gives birth. She also requested prayer for her husband. Jonas and his wife asked for prayer to strengthen their spiritual life as well as unity within their relationship. They have two sons who receive tutoring after school.

4. The construction project: I believe the building was intended to be a church, but once it has a roof the building will be a school. May the building be sturdy and used to glorify God's kingdom.

5. The Sons of God orphanage. I only visited once. There is a possibility of requiring a new building. I pray that God continues to provide for them; He has a special place in his heart for orphans, so I trust He will sustain them and fill them with His love.

6. Guy Emmanuel, his mother, brother, cousin, and various other people in the house. Guy Emmanuel asked for prayer to help him provide for his family. His mother praised God. We met Guy and his family while walking around the neighborhood on Thursday July 22.

7. During that same excursion, a man called out to us from a tent city. He said, "I'm so glad to see you here" and "Come!" With Zick's approval, we walked down the steps into the tent city. He was sitting under a large tarp/tented area with a woman. There were several mattress lining the perimeter. The tent was set up where their house used to stand. I believe the woman asked for things to go back to the way they were before the earthquake. She wants a home again. I trust God will provide her with a home.

8. All of the children we met throughout the trip. May they grow up in God's love and seek Jesus as their Savior.

9. Vanessa, Dahlia, and Olsheen. Vanessa felt sick; Dahlia just wanted prayer in general.

10. Alisha and her mother, Geraldine. After the earthquake, Alisha had been under debris. Alisha had a fever; the medicine had not helped. Alisha also needed surgery for a swollen area near her pelvis. May God heal her! Geraldine requested prayer for a visa to go to Santo Domingo and buy goods to sell in Haiti.

11. Jimmy requested prayer for his thoughts.

12. Michelle asked us to pray for her family, to keep her strong in God, and to be protected.

13. Joseph makes coin banks in a tent city. The way he meticulously works on those coin banks is a manner of praising God. He earned a decent sum of money from our group, so I pray that God protects him as well as continue to provides for him and his family. Joseph is a mason but does not have a job.

14. Pastor David, his wife, and all of the girls they have staying with them. We stayed at Pastor David's house. His ministry developed in November 2009. His ministry is exorcism. Many of the girls at his house were once possessed by demons. I pray Pastor David continues to drive out demons in the name of Jesus. I ask God to protect Pastor David and his family. His wife has such a beautiful singing voice. May she continue to sing your praise, God!

15. The interpreters: Zick, Dorly, Wilbert, Phanor, Ernst, David. May the interpreters be kept safe and continue to spread the gospel throughout Haiti. May they continue to share their faith with all of whom they meet. It has been such a blessing for me to have met them.

Please reread often and pray with me.

Two heart-felt words

I was not going to write about this encounter further; I believe I referenced it in a previous post. God has been putting this memory on my mind; he's already made a place for it in my heart.

Here's what I wrote about it:

July 20, 2010
On the plane (still in Miami)

I met a guy from Haiti. We met at the ticket counter. I think we both had to pay for an extra bag. He doesn't have much English; I have less French or Creole. I asked him if he was from Haiti; he said "Yes." I told him I was going for the first time. He responded, "Thank you." I was so humbled. It was powerful. We ended up sitting next to each other at the gate. I used a bit of French, which resulted in a response I couldn't understand.

Today I look at the people I meet as a purposeful introduction from God. I realize all interactions are purposeful and from God. I'm too busy taking everything for granted. Today, since I realized yesterday was not my day to arrive in Haiti, I'm aware of how special each interaction truly is. I'm so grateful to be here! It's a beautiful perspective to have. I'm so grateful, God. Thank you for ALL of my trip so far. Yes, ALL of it. You were preparing my heart for Haiti.

Upon reflecting about the "thank you" I received, I realized that my "bad day" yesterday was still a really good day. A bad day is when an earthquake destroys your nation's capital city. I have NO concept of a bad day.

Is there a bad day with God's love?

Sound the vuvuzela!

God prepared my heart for Haiti in the unlikeliest of places. I became a fan of watching the World Cup in June; it was more difficult to continue the tradition of breakfast and football in New York, but I managed to watch a game or two. The entire world plays soccer, especially boys (and grown men) in Haiti.

Soccer balls were on the packing list sent out by Adventures in Missions. I blew it off. I have learned my lesson. Adam always made sure to have a soccer ball in his "bag of fun" a.k.a. his backpack. The soccer ball was conduit to form a bond between complete strangers. I'm sure we all looked strange to the kids with our varying soccer skills.

After my first morning in Haiti, I realized I was going to need to learn some footwork. I found members of our group frequently engaged in a circle with Haitian boys, either kids we met while walking around, kids we met in tent cities, or the kids who lived next door to where we lived. I wanted to join, but I knew my skill level was a joke.

During our siesta on July 21, I saw Dorly kicking around a small, inflated ball the size of a grapefruit. I asked him for a lesson. I practiced bouncing the ball off of my foot. I could only do it twice in a row, a third time if I got lucky.

The next morning, after Pastor David shared his testimony, Zick became my soccer coach. He taught me some footwork as we kicked the ball back and forth. I received my second lesson that afternoon during our siesta. I learned how to aim the ball (in theory; sometimes I'm able to apply the skill).

I started joining the soccer circles. Most of the boys were kind and brought their skill level down a notch. Usually, I'd be much to proud and demand their best, but not even my pride could blind me of my skill deficiency. I appreciated the mercy (which is a better word than "pity").

In fact, one boy offered to play for me in the middle of the circle during our keep away game when it was my turn to go in the middle. I allowed it the first time, but I insisted on playing the second time. The only way to improve is to play.

I was feeling like a soccer player, a Haitian soccer player to be exact. I told myself early on in the trip that I'd leave Haiti a soccer player.

Saturday morning our group returned to the tent city associated with a Catholic organization. We challenged the boys on the soccer field to a match. The "American" team consisted of Adam, Joel, Jeffrey, Ernst, Dorly, Phanor, Branden, myself, and two other Haitian boys. Ernst, Dorly, and Phanor were our intrepreters. The boys kept saying that we were missing a person. "She's playing." was the response. After a second time (if not more), they finally accepted the fact that I was playing. A group of boys had crowded around me. They kept talking to me and laughing. I finally asked Phanor to intrepret for me. He listened, responded to the boys, and never told me what they said. I think I'd laugh at white girl trying to play soccer in Haiti wearing goofy hiking sandals, too.

Ernst told me that I was going to score a lot of goals; he told me to play in the front line in the center. I thought he was crazy, but I went to my position. My goal was to stay on my two feet. The field by the opposing team's goal had a giant patch of mud (at best). Not only did I meet my goal, but I also passed the ball to a teammate and stole the ball from a member on the Haitian team. BAM! I was excited despite the fact that I mostly just ran around on the field, pretending I knew what I was doing.

After about 30 minutes, we were winning 2-0. Zick had returned from an errand, so he wanted to play. He's a good soccer player, not to mention a very patient coach. He wanted my spot on the team. I did not want to leave the game, but I also knew it would be best to quit while I was ahead. I could not say no to my brother, Zick. The game continued for 2 hours. The Americans lost 6-12.

I can at least say I left the game a winner, and I left Haiti a soccer player. :)


[photo credit: Kansas Corley]

Zick's Testimony: The night after the earthquake

[photo credit: Kansas Corley] This is how I will remember Zick: outgoing, full of life, and ready to embrace anything.

On July 24, he shared a story with us in the morning. He directed us to 2 Kings 2: Elijah Taken Up to Heaven in our Bibles. The verse sounded familiar, because we had listened to it on his ipod on Wednesday.

I did not write everything word for word, because I had not asked his permission to write down his testimony. After dictating such a beautiful description of Haiti, I assumed he would not mind if I wrote down some notes. Later that day, he thanked me for writing down his testimony. I thanked him for the inspiring message. This is what he said based upon my notes:

In Haitian culture: woman gives birth to a child. Bad spirits want to do bad things with children.
[The night of January 12, 2010, after the earthquake] Zick slept on the street with a small group. A child cried out, "I don't want to go with you!" The child's mother asked Zick to pray for the child. He spent 3-4 hours praying. Child kept crying out. Finally, the child said, "He's moving."

Elisha asked for the mantle of God. that's all we need. It was an easy thing to chase away the devil.

Zick went back to bed, but the bad spirit returned to the child.

[from my memory and not my notes: The mother asked Zick to pray for her child again. Zick told her that she could pray for her own child. The mother insisted that Zick pray.]

Zick prayed again. [He asked Jesus to banish the bad spirit permanently.] The child was free. Then, Zick prayed for the family to have faith in God. The family gave their life to God.

Ask for the flame of God to be burning in us. We need God's word. Ask, seek the double portion. It's free. Sacrifice ourselves to have it.

Zick is not only my brother, but he is also your brother in Christ. I know I will be constantly reminding myself to seek the double portion.

A lesson from a child of God

Since I've returned from Haiti, I've been trying to find a way to return. Finding a Haitian church in San Diego brought me closer to the spiritual high I felt in Haiti. Returning to my routine in San Diego after such an intense 5 days in Haiti has been difficult. I've been trying to fully comprehend my experience and the powerful friendships that were formed. Psalm 139: 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

In reading Adam McLane's blog entry this morning "Seeking Euphoria" (www.adammclane.com), I was forced to examine myself in the mirror. I was seeking Haiti; I was seeking the spiritual high I felt there. I realized, however, that I was truly seeking God. I was looking in all the wrong places. Hebrews 12: 2-3 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Then, I remembered Christina Vincent [photo credit: Jeffrey Dick], whom I met during Vacation Bible school (VBS) with neighborhood kids on July 24. That morning, our group leader, Branden, had talked about loving people and analyzing our actions to assess whether or not love is our reason for acting. I kept that in mind all day. During VBS, I was able to love Christina. She held my hand before we arrived at the church; she led me to a bench to sit on before VBS began; we sat together during the lesson and during the craft project. You can see her coloring her star clapper in the picture. She accepted that we could not talk to each other. I had enough French to tell her my name and ask for hers. She sat in my lap and touched my hair and skin. I hugged her and rested my head on hers. The heat had consumed my energy. I had spent my siesta talking with Wilbert and packing; I only dedicated a few minutes to rest. I was so thankful that she understood, that we could just sit next to each other. She accepted my love; we both shared in Jesus' love.

When it was time for my group to leave, I felt a pang of sadness. I watched Christina and it was clear that she had already accepted that I was leaving. She was continuing to move forward. Perhaps, she was continuing to seek God.

Now that I'm back in San Diego, I can rejoice in my memories from Haiti, but I cannot seek to relive them. If God brings me back to Haiti, I will experience God in a new way. Following Christina's example, I will accept wherever God brings me. I will embrace new opportunities, accepting the end of familiarity. I will put all of my faith in God. I experienced a fullness in God while I was in Haiti. I will experience it again when Jesus returns. I will seek God, not Haiti. Idols come in all shapes and sizes...

A slice of Haiti in San Diego

I could not be more impressed by God's beautifully orchestrated plan. It's just so incredible; I'm in awe of God's grace and glory.

From my blog post yesterday, it's clear that I was hurting. I really miss my brother and friends in Haiti. I miss the people we passed by in the streets; I miss the food; I miss feeling the presence of God; I miss the tap-taps and the parade of people and cars. Perhaps, my group that walked around was the parade. I also miss the music and the worship. Haitians know how to worship.

Anyway, Adam had mentioned a Haitian worship service he had heard about in North Park while we were still in Haiti. Intrigued, I googled it online. Sure enough, in my neighborhood, there's a Haitian mission that meets every Sunday at 6:00 p.m. I had to check it out. Adam decided to attend with me.

We weren't sure where to go, nor were we sure if the group was operating on Haitian time or American time. Haitian time would mean they'd start at 7:00 or later. If it were American time, then we were on schedule. We stood outside for 15 minutes or so. We saw some people enter a small chapel. We figured out where it was, but we weren't sure how many people were inside or when it was starting. Once we heard singing, we figured it was go-time. The song ended, and we decided to go in. I led the way and sat in the back. We had already established that there was no way we'd be able to blend in, but I figured if they had already started, then sitting in the back would be appropriate as a late-comer.

It was clear that they were discussing our presence. One woman was speaking in English. Inside, I panicked a little. I thought they were going to speak in English. I had come to listen to French and Creole not English. Fortunately, they selected a woman to interpret for us. Bless Becky's heart, she translated for us for 3 hours!

The evening started with Sunday school. The woman leading is incredible. I'm excited to go next week. I even have homework to do! I don't know the woman's name, but she wants to teach the basics of the Bible. The Bible, she says, is ammunition. It will comfort us and share our joy and be used to teach about Jesus, our Savior. How many of you, she asked, can name all of the books in the Bible? How many books are in the Old Testament? (39, I think she said and 27 in the New Testament). I did not know the answer, and if my memory failed me, then my numbers are wrong. She made up a song for everyone to sing in order to help them remember the first five books in the Bible. The first five books were written by Moses except for the last chapter of Deuteronomy. They started last week. She discussed John 3:16. It's an important verse. We all believe in Jesus for salvation. This week she talked about Genesis. It literally means the beginning and is the beginning for many things: the universe, God's chosen people, sin, and God's promise of redemption. Her teaching style is interactive and rote. She wants everyone to have verses memorized, so we can recite them in a time of need. We need to understand the Bible, because it's God's word. Our homework is to memorize the names of the historical books in the Bible from Joshua to Esther. I also need to play catch-up and memorize the first 5 books. It is by no accident I showed up to this Bible study. Aside from listening to Bible verses in the Catholic church, I first read the Bible in March 2009. I do not know it very well. I look forward to learning. I definitely noticed how well the Haitians knew the Bible. I also think Haitians are intent upon sharing the gospel with others. How can one share the good news if he or she does not fully understand the Bible? Sure it's possible, but, perhaps, less effective.

Then, worship began. I am convinced that every Haitian has a beautiful singing voice. Every Haitian I've met has a sweet singing voice. The guy leading had the most beautiful singing voice I've ever heard. I think I figured out why I enjoy listening to them talk so much. While in Haiti, it did not bother me in the least that I could not understand what people were saying (except for the kids who seemed intent on telling me something). I think it's because of the rhythm. In America, African American English Vernacular is also called "spoken soul." They speak with the beauty of the French language with added soul. I like anything with a good beat. They definitely add rhythm, because I do not find the French spoken by Canadians endearing (despite my love for Canada).

Their worship is so genuine. Their faith is strong. Their eyes are fixed on Jesus. It is a blessing to attend a Haitian worship service. If you ever have the opportunity, GO! I had a moment when I felt filled with God's presence--almost as full as when I was in Haiti. There's something special about the way God fills a room when Haitians are worshiping.

In the middle of the service, they had all new-comers introduce themselves and say a little bit. I shared how I had went to Haiti and needed my fix. After a man preached a message, we had more time to pray and we sang before we finished.

After the service, Adam and I were bombarded with greetings and opportunities to serve God's people. Adam will contact Pastor Bill, and I will be speaking on a radio program tomorrow evening to encourage people to go to Haiti. I will share my testimony. I will be rereading my blog posts as well as my journal. If there's anything that had an impact on you, please let me know which story so I can share it. I'm relying on the Holy Spirit to talk for me while I do my best to prepare/gather my thoughts.

Two highlights: one woman kept saying she loved us, because she appreciates anyone who helps Haiti; the same woman plus Becky offered to cook for us! Haitian food!!! I'm beyond excited. Perhaps, I'll ask them to teach me how to cook Haitian food. If I cook with them once a week or so for a few months, I should be able to make something almost as well as them. I guess I didn't need to buy a Haitian cookbook after all...

Praise to God for connecting people and bridging cultures and loving our neighbors. The Holy Spirit is powerful and, apparently, moves quickly!

Introducing my brother

Zick, pictured right, is my brother. After 27 years, I can finally say I have a brother, a younger brother. He asked if he could call me sister. I'm not exactly sure why, but we both enjoy listening to music, dancing, and writing.

On July 22, Zick asked me about what I was writing. I told him that I was writing about my day. I was often seen writing in my journal (a thoughtful birthday present from Amy). He asked if I had written about him; of course I had. I promised to show him what I had written later that day. Much to my surprise the words I wrote were objective, matter of fact. Sure, I wrote how we listened to his ipod while walking the streets of Haiti. We listened to French worship music; he sang for me in English, always interpreting. It was a special moment, a special connection. Listening to my ipod alone feels lonely. Worship music is our mother; God, of course, is our father.

After Zick saw what I had written, I asked him, what I should write about Haiti? What should I know about the country; what could I share with others in America who have yet to visit?

He told me was a writer; what he didn't tell me was that he's a poet. Keep in mind, it took us two days with plenty of interruptions, so transitions may be lacking. This is his response with minimal intereference from me:

Haiti is a good country. It has a beautiful sunset. When someone is taking his time to look at the sunset, he might find a word to express God's beauty.
If someone doesn't experience God's presence, he [should] come to Haiti and let the breezes embrace him. It's like a tiny [part] of God's presence.
There are a lot of trees and each one is marvelous.
The children are so funny. They used to say "blanc, blanc, blanc" when foreigners pass by. They say [foreigners are] wonderful. It's like the flame of love.
Talking about love is the center of the Haitian heart, because they experience God's love and show God's love to others by the way they behave. when Haitian people say hi to someone, he has a smile on his face.
Even if the earthquake touched their mentality or their lives, they stay strong as a lion.
Late at night we can hear some noises, but it's so sweet. We can say like the sound of a bird. Even if there are some sweet noises, it's so calm because the noises are sweet music that enters into each house. It's like Mozart's music; it penetrates everyone as a good morning.
When the sun rises [and the breeze blows], it's good. When the sun is shining, life has a new sense. It might be people go to work or some yelling on the street. It's a kind of way to survive; everything they do they give themselves in it, because they know life has a good sense, even though it's hard to live here. After the earthquake, life is so hard.


You are sick, alone, life has little sense for you, you want to know more about life, you want to know what love means: you can find the answer in a small country. Even if people say it's a poor country, but it's a greater one because you don't need money to live here. The main thing that you need is love, patience. Why patience? Because it's the thing that everyone needs in their life. For instance, you need something and you pray [to] God for [it]. If you don't have patience, you can act without God's will. Patience [to] wait [for] your day. When your day [comes] and [you have what you desired], you will live with joy.
Love is a center of this nation. This country that we described like that is Haiti. The door is open for everyone. You want to experience love? Come and receive. Don't be scared. Don't believe what the news said about [Haiti]. Imagine that you see a pineapple tree and people say, "This fruit is not good," and you never taste one, but you see someone [who], every day, eats one. What will be your reaction? It's a way to say come, and you will see.

Re-entry

Isaiah 51: 12-14
"I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mortal men, the sons of men, who are but grass, that you forget the Lord your Maker, who stretched out the heavens and laid the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor? The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.

Adam tried to warn our group about "re-entry" during our last nightly debriefing meeting in Haiti. I did not understand how to heed his warning. As he was talking, I was crying about leaving. Perhaps, I should have known returning would be difficult.

It's been difficult in ways I did not expect. The other night I went out to dinner with a group of people: some I knew, others I met for the first time. We talked about places to go in San Diego, and a girl discussed her past month in Monterey, CA. I had nothing to add to the conversation. I felt trapped in my thoughts. I don't know how to describe the depth of my experience to others, and I don't know how to re-acclimate myself to daily conversations.

Two different friends used the metaphor of coming down from a mountain to describe returning from a missions trip. I was on such a God-high during my 5 days in Haiti that now it's time to descend. I keep telling myself that there are ways for me to serve here in San Diego. God always intended me to descend from the mountain; perhaps with plans for me to return and to see Dorly, Zick, Wilbert, and others again in Haiti. On Wednesday, a friend mentioned that I may never see Zick again. The thought had not crossed my mind. I had assumed that if I returned to Haiti, I'd automatically see Zick and Dorly. Not seeing my friends in Haiti ever again is a thought I refused to entertain in my mind.

How do I live my life in San Diego while remembering the circumstances in Haiti? The two places are on opposite ends of the spectrum: America's economic wealth, Haiti's spiritual welath.

I enjoy writing about my time in Haiti, but I know I'll be sad when I write my last blog. I know I'll be sad when the last of my photos from the trip are posted on facebook. Yet, there are so many books I want to read and blog about. I have future projects to feed my spiritual life as well as access my inner-writer.

Life goes on. The Haitians are living life; they don't let the earthquake keep them in bed in the morning. Sometimes I feel like hiding in my thoughts, listening to Zick's French worship music. Sure, I enjoyed meeting with my group of teens; I enjoyed meeting with Amy and Kristen to walk; I enjoyed jogging with K.D.; I enjoyed spending half the day with a co-worker; I enjoyed jogging by myself around my neighborhood. I'm beginning to enjoy San Diego again, but I feel alienated from other people.

And then I pray, because I know these sad thoughts aren't God's. I don't want to be dwelling. So, today I tried a Bollywood dance class. Tomorrow morning I want to pick up trash in Normal Heights with Adams Avenue Crossing; later I want to go to a Haitian church service in my neighborhood, of all places!

Despite my sorrow, my time in Haiti has inspired me to serve my own community. So, is that what I'm supposed to do: feel inspired by the people I met and act upon such inspiration? Yes, the simplicity of the answer seems to fit God's style. I'm looking for something complex and grandiose when the answer is much more of a reflection of Jesus. Love your neighbors: whether they're in Haiti or San Diego. Look around you, those people are your neighbors. Love them and put your faith in God.

Today I played the "bon soir" game in English. In Haiti, Adam and I joked about counting how many people greeted us in French. "Bon soir" sounds like a song; it sounds so happy and its joy is contagious to all you greet. "bon jour" just doesn't have that same sing-song quality. This morning, while jogging I'd wish people a "good morning." I received at least 6 responses plus one "hello." Perhaps I can add some of the Haitian hospitality in my daily interactions with people. Perhaps, merging Haiti and San Diego will 1. be much easier than I realized and 2. be a much happier experience than I anticipated.

January 12, 2010 4:53 p.m.

Perhaps I should have asked more people where they were when the earthquake rocked Port-au-Prince. Here are a few responses.

"Sumen" was in the kitchen. It was tin, so she and her family were safe [or, at least, that's the connection I think she made]. There was minimal damage to her house, just a few cracks. "Sumen" first words to describe what happened were: a favor from God. She also said, If I'm alive, no matter if entire world collapses.

Dorly was at a friend's house. Initially the earthquake felt small, so he stayed inside the house. Fortunately, as the earthquake increased in magnitude, he as well as everyone else in the house remained safe. Here are my notes from our conversation: Everyone was safe, but many people died in the area--kids. It was difficult to walk in the streets because the streets were full of people's bodies. A few thousand. Quarter million injured. 4:53 p.m. Earthquake hit January 12, 2010, longer than 50 seconds. It started small then increased. He stayed in the house, because he thought it was small. Couldn't make it home. No phone. He heard about his family the day after [they were safe]. Dorly was at the part in the city that was hit the worst. American Theologic School with over 40 people in it that died. Dorly knows more than 40 people who died. God takes care of him.
Haitians had no experience with earthquakes--didn't know what to do. People in streets went inside and buildings collapsed. 1750, 1842 prior earthquakes.

Wilbert, an intrepreter like Dorly, was teaching at a school. He was on the first floor. Everyone was safe.

Isaiah 49: 13
Shout for joy, O heavens; rejoice, O earth; burst into song, O mountains! For the Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.

How to help Haiti

Two of our group members went to a conference with other pastors in Haiti. They spoke to the group of pastors, and they also listened to a Haitian pastor speak to the entire group as well. During the debriefing meeting that evening, the two participants described the biblical image the pastor used to describe the situation in Haiti.

Luke 23: 26 As they led him away, they seized Simon from Cyrene, who was on his way in from the country, and put the cross on him and made him carry it behind Jesus.

When Jesus carried the cross, a man carried it for him part of the way. It is such a powerful image: a man helping Jesus carry His cross during His sacrifice for the entire world. This is what Jesus calls us to do.

Right now, Haiti needs help carrying their cross.

I also spoke with Wilbert, an interpreter for AIM (Adventures in Missions) as well as a pastor. He described a proverb that we all know well here in America: give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Wilbert expressed the need to teach Haitians skills. He is involved in a youth ministry; later in the week he was going to teach them how to bind books. His goal is to teach others skills in which they can use to earn money. Part of his ministry is helping people in his community achieve economic independence. It appears that people need to become entrepreneurs in order to make a living.

From my limited experience in Haiti, the best way to help is to work with them in a spirit of collaboration and consultation, reciprocal teaching and learning. While there is much we can teach them; we have much to learn from them about faith in Jesus.

Goudougoudou

"Goudougoudou" is an example of onomatopoeia in Creole. It means "earthquake."

At 5:29 a.m. on Thursday July 22, there was a slight tremor felt in Carrefour. I heard what sounded like a large truck driving around the streets. Dorly screamed something. The girls in my room were already awake, so we ran out of the house as well. I had no idea why I was running out of my room. I was in my pajamas, and I did not grab my glasses. Many people had come out into the streets. I did not feel the earthquake, but "goudougoudou" sounded like a truck to me.

Pastor David told us not to worry.

During breakfast, Mary and I sat with Dorly. After sharing what happened during the earthquake in January, he told us: In the countryside, two mountains touched. There was an expression in Haiti, "Two mountains never touch," but the earthquake changed that.

Mary shared an Iranian proverb: God gave the problems to the mountains, but they wore away, so He gave them to man.

Mary thought for a minute, then said, We're stronger than mountains, possibly because we touch.

Galatians 6: 2
Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

The earthquake has changed Haiti, just like I have been changed by the Haitians who touched my life.