Introducing my poetry

I remember visiting my grandmother's house as a child. She always had a pile of scrap paper and a coffee mug full of pens. I used to draw until I learned how to write. I never advanced from my standard sunset, squiggly ocean waves, and a sailboat sketch. Words are my palette of colors.

Recently, I shared a poem with a dear friend. She, in turn, shared that poem with other people whom she knew. The feedback my friend reported was perspective-shifting. I was described as intelligent and brilliant based on my poetry. I've been called smart before but not for my poetry. My writing has always been therapeutic for me. A place where I can release the emotions built up within me.

So, I think I'm going to start sharing more of my poetry on my blog. I've withheld mostly because I want to be published. I have had this dream since I was young. Well, younger as I'm still young. It just seems silly to have my poetry sitting in a binder, unread. Perhaps, it will stir up some words for your feelings. Perhaps, you will say, "Yes! That's how I've felt!" Perhaps, you will even say what I've written is hogwash. That's fine, too. I write for me. Besides, most of my poetry I don't like. I write a variety of poems. Some I actually have an idea and a plan for, others are therapeutic, and others still are a gift from God. He often reminds me of the gospel and of His love for me.

I'm going to begin this new phase by sharing two poems. You see, I'm on a journey with God. He's stretching me thin and reshaping me. He's retaining my essence but making me stronger. There are days when I feel like I've made no progress. Then, there are days when I reread an old poem...

Originally written April 27, 2011 (it has been edited twice since then)

I silence the voice within me:
It is choked, suffocated, buried alive.
The painful pleasure at play in my mind
A swingset of needles,
Daggered monkeybars
I merrily go around and around.
A voice desperate to speak

...and compare it to one I've recently written.

Originally written April 12, 2012, entitled

Alternative Communication:

My soul has a voice.

Sometimes it is silent,

A single tear sliding down my cheek.

My soul has a voice.

At times, it is demanding,

A wailing torrent of tears.

Even still, it is joyful,

Tears responding to Love and beauty.

Other times, it is angry,

Frustrated sobs for injustice.

My soul has a voice.

When needed, it cries out in exhaustion,

The final tear yields rest.

When moved, it expresses sorrow,

My pain and that of others.

My soul has a voice,

Sometimes, in my shame, I silence it.

My soul has a voice,

At times, when feeling safe, it speaks freely.

My soul has a voice,

Praying with or without words.

My soul has a voice,

Even now.

Eyes glistening.

Hidden Gems

Every day is a new adventure. Every day typically has it's ups and downs, highs and lows, smiles and frowns. Today was no exception, but it was certainly a very sweet day.

Before school starts in the morning, I walk/jog with the students on the lower field. One student is absolutely wonderful. She's the kind of student you want to always have around when you're having a bad day or a sad moment. Every time she sees me, I'm greeted with an enthusiastic "Miss. Desautels!" Quickly followed by a hug. "I'm so happy to see you," she adds; some days, she even says, "You're my favorite speech teacher." I consciously overlook the fact that I'm the only speech teacher she has ever had. I feel I can do this, because sometimes she will say how she wants to be a speech teacher just like me. Anyway, this particular student accidentally called me "mommy" this morning. She was embarrassed, and I giggled. I was reminded of the few occasions I have called a teacher "mom," but also of my friend who in, fourth grade, called her male teacher "dad."

My co-worker brought me leftover pancit and adobo chicken from her daughter's birthday party. Delicious!

In the afternoon, one of my other favorite students had something to tell me. He told me all about how he was going to get a new bed after school. His enthusiasm was absolutely darling. I wish I had recorded him. He then leaned in to inform me that he had a secret to tell me. The other student and I leaned in closer. He'd whisper his sentence and add how it's "so cool" and "awesome." I cannot tell you secret as I promised I would not tell anyone. If the other teacher in the room walked by, he'd stop talking about his secret. My heart melted. The entire speech time was spent talking about the new bed he was going to get. Except for the last few minutes. I gave the other student 3 directions to follow. Turns out, he did not know what a sit-up was. Equally interesting, he could barely do one. Neither of them could without someone holding their feet down. It tickled one of the students. It was a highly amusing session and not at all what I planned, yet I heard a fantastic language sample.

There was a low or two during the day, but I'll just sweep them under the rug.

I serve on the youth ministry team at my church. Tonight, all 3 of my small group members were present. It was great to see them all and catch up with what's been going on in their lives. Our discussion was honest and our prayer earnest.

I was asked to give a 2-3 testimony about my time serving the youth ministry at our Easter service. I'm excited to share (or at least try to put into words) my experience serving the teenagers.

To top it all off, I had the opportunity to love my neighbors tonight. One of my neighbors was performing with a friend at a nearby bar. I went to see some of the show. Sometimes being a Christian is tough. :) No, really, sometimes it is, but God's grace is enough, even when it feels like it isn't.

If only the highs of today would motivate me to get out of bed tomorrow morning. What new adventures will there be tomorrow? And will I ever feel motivated to jog after work? I am, after all, running a half marathon April 29. And why is it that I feel awake right now yet I was exhausted after work? America needs to add a siesta to our schedule. Perhaps if we were all rested, we'd be healthier. Perhaps.

Reclaiming Valentine's Day

Let me begin with a confession. Valentine's day last year was my worst day in 2011. Hands down, it was the worst day. I was engulfed by despair over being single. Yet, love really is found in a hopeless place (reference my recent Rihanna and Jesus post). God responded to my tears through a poem. A poem I treasure and will never edit. (Now, if you know me as a writer, then you know I LOVE to edit and constantly reword what I have written. So it is significant that the first draft of my poem is perfect.)

Now, I will tell you a secret. Are you ready? When I was confirmed in the Catholic church in 10th grade (perhaps I was 15 about to turn 16; I have no idea), we all had to choose a saint's name. One would expect a girl to pick a female name. That statement likely applies to everyone with whom I was confirmed, except me. I picked "Valentine." I did not care that it was a male name; after all, my given name is just as easily a male's name as it is a female's. I picked "Valentine," because I am a hopeful romantic (in Christ). I enjoy listening to how couples met. I cheer at the end of a chick flick. How is that different from every other woman? Perhaps it's not, but how many other women do you know who have chosen "Valentine" as their confirmed name? :-p

Anyway, the irony of being named Valentine while being alone on Valentine's day hurt the very core of my being last year.

In January of this year, I resolved that Valentine's day would be different this year. I celebrated Palentine's Day (February 11) with two of my friends. I have already received a Valentine's day card from a dear friend. I scheduled a massage tomorrow. I anticipate a package from my mom and perhaps another Valentine from my dearest friend. I'll also be working with special day class kindergarten students tomorrow. Despite the chaos of the day, it should mean hugs and high fives.

While I can keep the day in check, since it still is yet another day in 2012, my struggle with Valentine's day is something I struggle with all year. Rather, my loneliness or singleness is something with which I struggle.

So what will be different tomorrow? Me.

Oh the struggle in my soul will continue to rage, but Jesus wins. One day, I will have peace every second, instead of a moment here and a moment there. Where was Jesus last year, you may be wondering. He was with me, but I didn't want to talk to Him. I didn't trust Him. Some days, I still don't.

Poco a poco, I'm learning what it means to have faith in God. It breaks my heart that I actually tell myself, in moments of despair, that faith is stupid.

Aside from spilling my guts, I actually have a plan to reclaim Valentine's day. Despite how I feel, I really do love the day. I do not support the capitalist commercialism of the holiday, but the essence of the holiday is important. I think of it as someone who decided to be spontaneous and surprise his sweetheart with a gift, a token of his love for no specific reason. Then that day become commemorated into a holiday, so now every couple has to do something on one specific day. The lesson in Valentine's day is to treasure each other. Dating or not, married or not, Jesus calls us to love each other. Every day.

So, lets try to love each other tomorrow. Instead of speeding up while driving, let the car trying to merge into your lane ahead of you; tell a stranger he or she is awesome. Smile and say hello to someone.

Fellow singles, lets not be haters. Yes, I know it hurts. It really feels like a slap in the face, but if it's one thing I have learned this year, it's that I am loved by my family and by my friends and by God.

Yes, I have reclaimed Valentine's day. How? By remembering I'm loved, even if a boy does not send me a card or a box of chocolates. I am loved, and so are you, dear reader. Single or in a relationship or married or divorced or widowed.

So whether you are dodging Cupid's arrow tomorrow or wearing a target on your forehead, remember that you are loved. I'll try to do the same.

But, if any gentleman out there or a friend wants to send flowers, I'll happily receive them. I am, after all, a hopeful romantic. :)

Prayers in poetry

In rereading a poem I wrote on October 24, I realized my prayer was answered, in part on the very day I wrote the poem.

Here is an excerpt: "Yearning for an apology, closure, peace/A band-aid to hide the hideous wound/Cover it up while it heals/Will it heal?"

On October 24, I received an apology. On October 30, I received closure and peace. I am still healing, but my hope is in God, and He is the ultimate healer.

Elusive happiness

I read some advice a few women hypothetically offered to newborns. They used different words but the same sentiment. Find what makes you happy. Hopefully, you'll be able to make a living by doing it. I love my job, but I'm not always happy at work or happy doing my job. There are to-do items I do not like to complete.

I am pro-happiness, but it is an emotion. It is not a deer to be hunted and then mounted on the wall, so it is always present. It's a meandering butterfly, flittering in and out of attainability but always visible. We have many visions of our butterflies. Your standard monarch or an exotic zebra-striped type. Once we net our monarch, we seek the zebra. The zebra-striped butterfly will linger longer.

There is something beyond happiness.

John 4: 1-26. Jesus asks a Samaritan woman for a drink. Jesus is a Jew. The Jews and the Samaritans are like the Montagues and the Capulets. Furthermore, men typically did not talk to women in public. Also of importance is the fact that the woman was at the well at noon. Women typically went to the well together early in the morning before the heat blazed. This woman was not accepted by the others, yet Jesus talked to her. He asked her for a drink. She's confused by his request. Jesus responds by saying that He can give her living water. Verse 14 is a powerful promise from Jesus: "but whoever drinks from the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Yes, there is something beyond happiness. Not the mythical fountain of life, but a relationship with Jesus Christ. A savior. The road will be filled with happiness and sadness, but He walks that road with us. He rejoices, mourns, and consoles us. He fights for us. He appears through friends and family, personally and through strangers.

If I were to give newborns advice, assuming I wrote it down for them to read at a later age, I would encourage them to seek Jesus, because happiness is no match for sadness. Jesus conquered death. I trust Him.

God responds

While in New York these past 10 days, I had quite the adventure. God used my time to speak to me and to guide me. He surrounded me with support, with my roots. He gave me a strength I did not know I possessed. But that's not a story for my blog. Not today.

I wanted to share an answer to my prayer on October 18. Early in the day, I confessed my loneliness and asked God to do something to let me know He was with me. Throughout the day, I completely forgot about my prayer. In the picture, my room is located in the building behind the green canoe. After I had went to bed, I left my room to go to the bathroom. While walking back, I looked up at the sky. There was a patch of sky without clouds, revealing a starry sky. It was beautiful. Stars are few in San Diego. I looked up at the starry sky and remembered my prayer from the morning. I was thankful for a response.

Limitless

For the second time in six months, the pastor at my church (Harbor Mid-City) preached on the parable of the good Samaritan (Luke 10: 25-37). Both times, he quoted Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Dr. King had visited the Jericho road referred to in the parable. My pastor summarized two of Dr. King's comments regarding the Jericho road. First, instead of asking, "What will happen to me if I stop and help someone," it is critical to ask, "What will happen to the person in need of help if I do not stop to help?" Secondly, Dr. King advocated transforming the Jericho road.

My heart soars thinking about transforming the Jericho road. That's what I want to do. I want to transform the Jericho road. I want to help soothe the pain of others and ease the suffering of others.

It used to break my heart to realize I cannot transform the Jericho road alone. Even with a small army, I will likely not be able to transform the Jericho road. I used to feel so hopeless and paralyzed.

But with Jesus, we can transform the Jericho road. It's already part of God's plan, for "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" (Revelation 21: 4). The burden of transforming the Jericho road is not on my shoulders. Jesus has already carried this burden to the cross. I can pray for the transformation of the Jericho road. I can pray for God to work through me and other people to inch by inch transform the road. I can pray to God to show me how I can take small steps toward transforming the Jericho road.

I still don't fully know what to do, but I know the Jericho road will one day be transformed into a peaceful, safe place.

Evidence Based Practice AND Prayer

So, my fellow speech language pathologists will definitely know the phrase "evidence based practice." I'm sure, however, that it's no surprise for the rest of you to use research or some other factual based information to make a decision or implement a therapy technique, learning model, or which car to buy.

I am so giddy and excited about my day that I wanted to jump up and down while I walked through the hallways at work today. I, apparently, need to make up a happy dance that is work appropriate.

Once or twice a week, I go to an elementary school and provide speech and language services to 12 kindergarten students in a special education classroom, called a special day class (SDC). Some of the students are identified as speech and language impaired, others have autism plus two other labels.

I adore my students. They are challenging and fun all at the same time.

Today one of the students was acting out for attention. The teacher had one of the two aides take him outside of the classroom. The aide needed to run her group so she tagged me in to watch the student. She warned me that he had been throwing sand. Within minutes, he threw sand at me. I decided to implement a trick from my valued friend and colleague. I enthusiastically said, "Thank you! Thank you so much! I love how the sand feels on my arms." He threw sand once again, and I thanked him once again. After that, he either placed the sand in my hand, which I gently placed back on the ground, or he drizzled sand on my leg or my shoe. Then I just ignored him, and he typically wiped it off wherever he had placed it.

But that's not why I'm excited. At one point, he decided he was going to leave the playground area. I did not want to chase him, and I knew if I walked toward him, he'd think it was a game. I told him that it's not safe to leave and the rule is staying on the playground. I did not look at him. Occasionally, I'd say something about staying within the playground. What worked, however, is my prayer. I asked Jesus to keep him in the playground, or at least guide me if I had to follow him. Sure enough, the student returned to the playground and close the gate behind him. I made sure to talk to him and to praise him for making a good choice. Praise God!!!

As exciting as that was, I had a highly fulfilling therapy moment. One of the boys with autism in the class is secretly my favorite. He'll usually comply and even hold your hand if he sees your hand extended. It's very sweet to have a little boy with autism hold your hand willingly. He's not the only one in the class like that, but he's the one I met first. Anyway, this student often repeats rote phrases that are not related to the topic. I believe he is using them to communicate, but I haven't quite figured out what. I'm always happy if he asks me to tie his shoes or repeats something I say. Today, he was playing with play-doh. After he made a ball out of it, he began rolling it back and forth between his hands. So, I asked him to roll the ball to me. With a few prompts, he did. I rolled it back. I told him to roll the ball to me, and he did. I had another student join us, so they rolled the ball to each other. I'm still prompting the student with autism to roll the ball. After that, he boy with autism started playing with a toy car. So, again, I asked him to roll the car to me. He did. By the time we stopped, the student would roll the car to me after I said, "my turn." So there you have it, developing turn-taking skills, which we will use as the foundation for conversation.

AND it gets even better. The second student that I brought in to play with us gave me a hug after we were done. So the student with autism gave me a hug! Best day ever.

I couldn't be more proud of my student or more thankful to God for guiding me. Such a sweet and loving God, who will provide for my students despite my areas of weakness.

Yet another reason why I love my job!

Identity in crisis: the cost of following Jesus

I have spent my entire life wishing I were different. Individualism in a society that really wants everyone to fall in line. Specific traits are valued; some of which I have to work at to exhibit.

I think through writing instead of talking aloud. I am not walled in by facts, but I admit I probably depend too much on my intuition. I care how my decisions will affect others. I want everyone to be happy. I'm idealistic. I'm frequently late, because I misjudge how much time it will take. Plus, I want to be exactly on time, so I won't leave if I'll be too early. I thrive on adapting to changes in a plan. I like having a variety of options. Sometimes I get sucked into making the "right" choice (idealistic, remember?) that the options weigh me down, paralyzing me into doing nothing but wasting the day.

I'm painfully shy and reserved; I think I am consequently viewed as being rude and unapproachable.

I've worked twice as hard to prove I am smart, because my brain isn't good at holding facts, unless they're ones I use regularly.

I always felt I needed to be more outgoing and more objective.

My counselor tells me I'm the color in a black and white world. It's like she knows the journey I'm on while I feel completely clueless and helpless.

So, how did I get here: sitting on my couch, a puddle of emotions and confusion? Finally, I am admitting to myself and to my God that I do not like who I am. If only I valued facts more, because then I'd know I am wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139). Instead, I feel sad, lonely, and poorly made. Damaged. Chipped chinaware. Dulled silverware. Yet, I know I'm anything but dull.

Welcome to my mind. It's full of traps like minesweeper. I was never good at playing that game.

Five years ago, I moved to San Diego under the guise of graduate school. The real reason? God was (and still is) pursuing me. He led me into the desert (Hosea 2: 14). After three years, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. I used to think my story was why I decided to accept Jesus into my life. Tonight, I realize my story is what Jesus has been doing since then.

Before Jesus, I was dating a young man. Neither of us believed in God. While we were dating, I accepted Christ. It ultimately divided us. We lived two separate lives with little overlap. Two Corinthians 6: 14 changed my life. My boyfriend was not pursuing me. His heart had already moved on. I want to be pursued.

Being single (it's going on 19 months) has exposed my wound of loneliness. You wouldn't believe how I try to cover it up.

After breaking up with the previously mentioned boyfriend, I thought God would reward my obedience with a handsome, Christian man. One day. Currently, God is pursuing me. He is jealous for me. I have so many idols I turn to before God.

After five months of being single, I considered counseling. In November 2010, after nearly seven months of being single, I had my first counseling session: pastoral counseling, which is led by the Holy Spirit. As an intuitive person, I am sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and I absolutely adore it. Yet, even I was skeptical. It didn't take long for me to realize that not only was it legitimate but that God is with  us during every session.

Currently, I feel like I need Jesus and another person to mediate God's presence in my life. I don't know how to go to Him. I still don't fully believe He'll be there. I'm terrified that I really am as alone as I feel. If I don't go to God, then I won't be disappointed if He doesn't show up. I'm still full of pain, but I can avoid facing my deepest fear. Yet, I'm still lonely.

Through counseling, God has shown me that He intentionally created me. I am no accident. My parents, experiences, ethnicity, body type, and personality are all on purpose. I do not know why. As much as I want to like myself, I don't. I think I'm crazy. I'm whimsical and melancholic. I appear flaky; I often feel like the absent-minded professor. The problem is, I have so many ideas about how to organize my materials at work that I become paralyzed. (Let me note that there are aspects I do like about myself at times. In general, I'm rather displeased.)

I don't need a plan. I don't worry about details. I see the big picture, and I hate wearing watches.

Before I believed in Jesus, I was a garden with a lot of weeds. Think of an abandoned, overgrown lot. Thick vines, tall grass: that was me.

God has been pruning and burning the weeds. My loneliness feels like a charred forest. God wants me to take His hand. Some days, I do; I see buds sprouting. Other days, I'm weeping in the ashes--grieving whom I am or whom I was.

God is cultivating my sense of being. The seeds are still in the ground. I feel barren.

The apostle Paul talked about how our old self dies (Romans 6: 6 and Ephesians 4: 22). I didn't realize it would be sad. I also didn't realize that there are parts of my self that are permanent.

God created me to do specific things (Ephesians 2: 10). It would be easier to know what those deeds were, so I'd have purpose. Maybe I'd understand why I'm so different. God, however, wants me to trust Him, because He is good.

I feel like no one understands me. I don't know why I think people should. Maybe I bear the image of God's mystery (wishful thinking, I know). God knows me perfectly (Psalm 139); no one else will ever come close to knowing me so well. I still don't know myself. Shouldn't I have gone through this as a teenager? I don't do anything as I should, and I am always late.

Even though this process is so difficult and so painful, I know it's the only way to draw closer to God. It's the only way to break the chains of seeking empty idols. So many times I seek the short-term fulfillment of idols. So often I ask God, "why me?" I wish I could walk away, back to my old self, but my old self was in worse shape then I am now. I wish I could blend in or be invisible, as I used to be.

I have a desire to be known and a desire to be a writer. I can only hide for so long before my feelings build in intensity, spilling over and crumbling the dam I built to hold it all together.

Inevitably, I will have a deer in headlights moment--why did I post this? Why will I? Why share this with strangers? Do I really need to add more snide remarks? Aren't mine enough? Yet, I don't care, because I want to get this out. Do I feel better? No, not really. Slightly peaceful. Repentance is confession and then trusting Jesus to pull the weeds and water the seeds of truth.

Jesus, forgive me for I have sinned. I go to you as my last resort. I long to seek you first, but I need your help. I surrender to you. Heal me. Restore me. Sculpt me into a person who follows you.

Loneliness in the digital age

I am an only child. I live alone. I'm introverted. I am single.

It should not be surprising that I have moments in which I feel lonely.

It's a feeling a loathe. I try to avoid it, a twisted hide and seek dodgeball kind of game. Despite my Herculean efforts, the loneliness persists.

Smart phones are not smart. Keep in mind, I am biased because I have yet to jump on the smart phone bandwagon. Also, let me be clear, I am not judging those of you with smart phones. They are quite convenient, especially the map/GPS function. I have definitely benefited from that function. I am merely commenting on this new cultural phenomenon.

As I was saying, smart phones seem to be more codependent than smart. People check them frequently. Even I, with my "dumb" phone, will check my phone when I feel lonely or bored.

E-mail, twitter, Facebook, text messages. People are connecting through written text. It's a wonderful thing. Perhaps it's my introverted side protesting, but I am cautious of being constantly available via the internet and/or smart phones.

What about time for reflection?

And now I must confess that I avoid time to reflect. It's something I want to do but have difficulty making time for it. Facebook sucks me in every time.

My point is that despite the instant connections through smart phones, loneliness persists.

Is there a cure for loneliness?

The cure is quite a process, but, personally, it has involved me cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ. I realize this might sound contrite. As meaningful and incredible as my journey has been (and will continue to be), I have no idea how to explain it. Partially because I still do not understand it myself.

All I know is that God has pursued me. He has saved me from the choking yoke of sin. After accepting Jesus as my Savior in 2009, I lost 40 pounds through Weight Watchers. I learned healthy eating habits and realized the value of hydration. I started running with a dear friend, who kept me accountable (she still does 2 years later!). I thought God was so cool. Last year, I first struggled with God. Things were not going my way. My weight was up and down like a yo-yo. I broke up with my boyfriend, partially for reasons aligned with the word of God. Yet, I felt sad and lonely. It did not make sense to me. I thought following God's will was associated with joy. I became angry about feeling sad and lonely. After 7 months, I finally admitted that I needed to see a counselor. God's presence during my counseling sessions is undeniable. It's a precious gift that reminds me He is pursuing me. It has been a painful and difficult process. I'd work so hard to be in control. I became so frustrated that I gave up. I wrote in my journal telling Jesus it was up to Him, because I was done. That's when things turned around. I'm still learning; I'm still learning to seek God instead of my stand-by idols. I'm still developing my relationship with God.

I still feel lonely, but I know it does not mean I am alone. God is always with me.

1 Corinthians 3:16
Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?

Love and faithfulness

This morning was pretty awesome; so awesome in fact, it set the course for my entire day. I love days like that. I was reviewing my prayer journal and found the page dedicated to myself. I reread two verses in a completely different way.

Proverbs 3: 3

Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.

I used to think that I had to be loving and faithful. That's tough. This morning I read it realizing that I need to wear God's love and faithfulness never leave me. I need to trust that God is loving and faithful, always. That He will persevere through the heartache, suffering, and tragedies. Thanks to Pastor Stephen's message on Sunday, I realized that I have difficulty trusting in God. So this morning, I wore a necklace to remind me to trust that God is always loving and faithful.

Philippians 3: 8

More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain in Christ.

Once again, I used to think I understood this verse. I read it in Haiti and thought I needed to rid myself of worldly possessions. That, obviously, did not work out very well. This morning, I read it and saw it as a way of prioritizing things in my life. I so often believe lies that define myself in worldly things (weight, job, appearance, etc.). Today, however, I count them as rubbish compared to Jesus Christ, my Lord. I have the freedom to confess to Jesus how I do define myself in those things and there are things that I do want. Combine that with love and faithfulness, and I trust that God will reveal the desires of my heart. I trust Him to do so, and today I think I experienced joy in waiting. An answered prayer!

Even if for a day, I am thankful to have been able to trust in God's love and faithfulness and consider all things rubbish compared to Jesus. Pray for me, as tomorrow is a new day!

A difficult thought.

At the whole gospel class this morning through my church, I heard the speaker, Dr. Gates, tell a story from a male friend in South Africa. In it, the man was with his girlfriend in high school. His girlfriend was shot by a police officer or some militant man. An officer had stood over them with his gun but left instead of shooting either of them. Dr. Gates commented on how his friend had described that officer as a "Christian brother." Either Dr. Gates or the friend described it as a "perverted Christianity."

This story sparked a thought. No matter how "bad" or "evil" we judge someone to be based upon his or her actions, we are all brothers and sisters. We all need a Savior.

Being "pretty good" is not enough. Jesus lived perfectly and is willing to share His perfect record with us. He does not hoard His Father's kingdom; He shares it with us. He wants us to enter His kingdom.

The harsh reality is that we all need a Savior; our system for defining bad actions is just that: ours.

Brace-less!

On 3/3/11, I wrote the following description and challenge regarding Exodus 11: 1.

"While Moses was asking for a 3-day excursion to the desert to worship the Lord, God planned for the liberation of the Israelites. God knew their deepest desires; He had seen their suffering and heard their cries. He provided for the root of their needs.

...

How will you be bold today? Let’s ask God for something we’d typically explain away as impossible. Write down the request and wait. Keep it somewhere safe, because blessed are those who wait upon the Lord (Isaiah 30: 18)."

That day, I wrote a list of 8 things. One was something I wanted immediate results; the rest were more long-term desires.

At the top of my list was "an appointment today with the specialist and/or taking care of the next step with 1 appointment." When I called to make an appointment, the soonest available was 5 days later. I was disappointed, but I put my trust in God to come through on the second half of my prayer request.

Today I sat in the waiting room, nervously. I told God that I was scared. I trusted Him to heal my wrist, but I also acknowledged that it may not look like how I want it to look like. I assumed the specialist would put my arm in a plaster cast. I began to ponder how quickly he could put my arm in a cast.

God acted upon my request in a way that I did not anticipate. The specialist looked at my x-ray reports and accessed the films on the digital database. He told me that my type of injury would not appear as healed for potentially 5 months or more. This does not mean it hasn't healed. He moved my hand and wrist around. It didn't hurt. The muscles were stiff when he rotated. He told me that I had to wean myself off the brace. I didn't have to put it on again. He told me that I could begin using it again but not to do anything vigorous until 4 weeks. I can type; I can jog; I can clap; I can drive with 2 hands! I will anticipate my return to Bollywood in 4 weeks!

He told me to schedule an appointment in 6 weeks; if I felt like my wrist was fine, then I could cancel it. He anticipates I will cancel it, thus only requiring one appointment to take care of the next step.

I was awed by God's tenderness and response to my request. I felt like Moses; I only asked for 3 days of release, but God liberated me completely. Praise God as He continues to heal my wrist and be with me as the muscles loosen up.

In case you're wondering, the first thing I did with BOTH of my hands was clap.

I will sing your praises, Lord! He healed me. :)

God surprised me with a gift!

On 2/5/11, I found a note in a Bible at the same church that the youth ministry (IOB) uses. The note expressed how I felt and was a communication from God telling me that he saw where I was. I thought about keeping it, but decided to return the note for someone else to read. Never did I imagine that I'd see someone read the note! Last night during IOB, a teen with whom I spend time with read the note. I saw her read it, and then saw that it clearly touched her heart as it had mine. I couldn't stop smiling. Finally, I hugged her and told her I had read the same note and it spoke to my heart. She also expressed a desire to keep the note but decided to leave it in the Bible for the next person. Perhaps she will be blessed to see at the next person read it. God is good; He has an incredibly practical plan to provide for us, but He also provides in such personal, relational ways for us. Praise, God for such a gift last night! I enjoy surprises and love it when God brings one that is completely unexpected.

Be prepared.

Consider yourself warned. Today was amazing. I spent most of my counseling session crying. I had started crying before my session even started. By crying, I mean loud, convulsing, hiccuping sobbing. I made noises so strange that it made me laugh. I read a poem that the Holy Spirit wrote through me and brought tears to my counselor's eyes.

Today was a climax within my journey. God liberated me. I grieved my past experiences and my past coping mechanisms. I began to see the lies I believed as lies. I began to see my pain and acknowledge myself. I finally asked myself what I needed.

Knowing I needed more time to process and to be still before God, I went home instead of attending the youth ministry I serve as one of the leaders. This decision was difficult, as I hate to disappoint people and often serve people at the expense of my own personal needs. (So it was super encouraging to see that God showed up, even though I wasn't there. Hallelujah!) This time I made my decision based upon my needs. So, I went to Twiggs to eat supper--a glimpse of the feast to come when God comes to dwell among us--and to write more about the stirring within me.

My counselor said that Jesus was collecting my tears. I joked that I hoped he turns them into wine. I know He will.

I have been unlocked; I have been released. I don't know what will come. Perhaps, the difference will be subtle. So be prepared. I'm done trying to fit a mold that I'm not meant to fill. I was created in God's image, and I make no apologies. The journey is not yet complete, but you have been warned. :)

The Journey

I have reservations about the title of this blog. It is not a reference to the band, but it is a reference to a Linkin Park song, "In the End" from their Reanimation album. I have always been captivated by the words, "The journey is more important than the end or the start."

I often become so preoccupied with the destination that I can often fell contempt toward the journey.

Right now I am on the most incredible journey with God. I am learning to go to Him as my Father. I am seeing answering my prayers, pursuing my heart, and fulfilling my desires. He is showing me how to use my talents and gifts. I see it transforming how I provide therapy for my students. I am learning to trust my intuition in addition to the facts.

Two weeks ago I struggled with loneliness. "Struggled" is an understatement. I went to church two weeks ago, and tears streamed down my face with the force of an avalanche. Once it started, there was no stopping it as it grew exponentially. God knew I would not ask for help. I would not reach outward. My tears showed my friends I needed help. I still need to work on asking for help, especially with my dishes, since my wrist does hurt.

God met me in my loneliness. He used my precious community group and other friends to reach out. He has used my daily devotionals to bless others. He has used those who read my devotionals to bless me by reminding me of my own words. My brokenness is part of my testimony. I am a fragile little girl who has been kept hidden. I see a counselor through my church. She has mentioned 2 powerful images from the Bible. I used to be the disciples who shooed the children away from Jesus. Jesus makes it very clear we are not to do that.

An image I am striving for is connected to the story of the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus asks her for a drink of water. Jesus tested her when he inquired about her husband. She answered honestly, admitting she had none. Jesus knew how she had been seeking fulfillment from men. He did not rebuke her. He told her that He was the Messiah.

My current journey is a way of cultivating a deep well within me of living water. It is a place where I can go to quench my thirst for God, and I will also be able to pour out a glass of cool, refreshing living water for others who thirst.

It is a blessing to see God affirming my talents and using me on His behalf. Two weeks ago I loathed the journey. It is not easy, but God is with me. He meets me where I am, so part of me wants to this journey to last longer than is necessary. This is a very special time with God; some details of the journey I want to savor alone.

Broken

My wrist is essentially broken, but that is the least of my problems.

I am broken. My spirit, my soul is broken. I feel beyond fixing. I'm tired, weary, and wrestling with who God created me to be. I'm angry, scared, and lonely. I'm an introvert living in an extroverted world; how will anyone understand me? I don't even take the time to understand myself. It would just be one more thing in which I'm alone.

Feeling

I feel things, deeply. I internalize so much. I haven't written about Haiti, because it is too painful. I feel the desperation of the people. I am suffocated by their injustices.

I cling to possibilities while forgetting the facts. God loves the people in Haiti. God is just. He sent his son to die for our sins. We are saved through Jesus. God wins.

My counselor keeps reminding me that I bear God's image. It's felt unbearable my entire life. I always felt like I was wrong. I'm adaptable, so I'd change my colors to blend in with my surroundings. I can't change my colors. I can't blend in. I will never blend in. I am the color in a black and white world. I never ask "why;" I ask "why not?"

I struggle with authenticity. How can I be an heir in God's kingdom when I cannot earn my righteousness? I am not righteous. I wrestle with the cornerstone of Christianity.

I am baffled by how I can feel joyful and an aching sadness at the same time. I feel what others feel. It does not mean I understand how that person feels, but I feel it to a lesser degree. God hasn't shown me what to do with my ability to feel.

How did Jesus walk the earth knowing he had the power to heal everyone? He did nothing on his own; he completely relied upon his Father. Why can't I accept that God did not create me to heal everyone? How do I become entangled within a web of possibilities while ignoring the facts? And this is a good thing? God intentionally created me this way? God is pleased with me?

I feel like a piece of art. Its beauty is revealed the more it is studied. I'm still studying, asking my Father to reveal my beauty. I'm tired of avoiding myself; I'm tired of going down the destructive path. I still do not know which gifts and talents are unique to me. God is pruning my branches. I feel like a giant weed. How long, O Lord? Thank you for remembering me and loving me.

I hate sharing my thoughts, because I haven't sorted things out yet. I prefer to understand my world before I express it. But I believe that my brokenness is part of my testimony. God is with me. He meets me in my brokenness. I just can't recognize him, yet.

Mixing church and state?

I used to be staunchly against church and state during my college years. I wore the secular humanist hat proudly. I'm still liberal, but now I believe in Jesus and attend a church. Now, I work at a school.

Driving home, I was thinking about 2 students of mine who are struggling with bullying, because they are different. I have prayed to Jesus to fight their injustice. My students always ask me what to do or what to say when it happens. I've talked with the school counselor to give them tips as well as their teachers. Driving home, Jesus offered some advice. I can tell my 2 students to look at the bully and say, "I forgive you" just before they walk away.

I figure the bully will be surprised to hear he or she is forgiven. Maybe I can speak truth into the lives of my students by serving them. What's that quote? "Preach the gospel always and when necessary use words." attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.

Lead me to the cross

While in Haiti trip numero dos, Joel read the sermon on the mount from Matthew (also referred to as the Beatitudes). I was moved to tears listening to the word of God. I cried in front of our entire group as I shared what God put on my heart. I cannot recall clearly what I said, but I remember being grabbed by "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be satisfied."

Justice has always been a passion of mine. Up until 2005, I planned on becoming a Supreme Court justice. I studied for and took the LSAT. I decided against becoming a lawyer, because I knew the job would burn me out. I had stopped believing in God while I was in college, so being a lawyer without knowing Jesus as Savior would have been unbearable. I also stopped reading the news when the United States waged war against Iraq. The news of the world was just too sad. My frustration grew, because I could not fix the problems of the world. I still have to remind myself that the position for Savior of the world has already been filled. (Can I get an Amen?)

One thing I have noticed, and if you are friends with me on Facebook you may have also noticed, is that I appear to be hungering and thirsting after knowledge. I've been bookmarking and sharing articles and websites related to Haiti, justice, missions, and, honestly, I'm not sure what else because I struggle with time to read all of it.

I'm excited to see how God will use me. To be honest, I was very frustrated with my lack of progress since returning from Haiti. I submitted an article to the San Diego Tribune that will be published tomorrow in the editorial section. I am beyond excited as I truly see two verses at work in this: Psalm 37: 4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, and John 5: 19 Jesus gave them this answer: "Very truly I tell you, the son can do nothing by himself." Growing up, I wanted to be a published author. Perhaps, I will never publish a book, but a newspaper article feeds into that same desire. I also feel, however, anxious about what I wrote. I barely remember what I wrote. Are the thoughts I wrote the ones that should be shared with the world? At this point, I can only trust God, and I trust that He guided me as I wrote what I submitted to the San Diego Union Tribune. I am still waiting to hear from the NY Times. I submitted a different article. I have an idea for a third article with an idea of where to submit it.

I am just so thankful to see God use me. I asked Patti what I could do while we sat in the common area of Pastor David's house one evening. She mentioned writing editorials for newspapers. BAM. God made it happen. I am in awe of how God weaves our lives together, how God uses us to encourage each other.

I grasp possibilities rather than rely on facts. Counseling has helped me see this imbalance. I am really excited about how God is actually helping me gather some facts as I feel voracious for information. Yesterday my counselor asked me about future trips to Haiti, and I said that I did not know. I'm focusing on living authentically, which means serving my community. My goal is to consistently participate with service events through Adams Avenue Crossing and to regularly attend a Haitian church service. Prayers for the later will be much appreciated. Prayer for time to read everything I have bookmarked in my web browser would also be much appreciated.

More importantly, I pray that we all may learn to listen to God, so that we may help those had he has created us to help. Thousands of people asked Jesus to heal them, but he only healed those whom the Father told him to heal. God has a plan to satisfy all of the injustices in the world. Amen!