Bucket list #3

With much trepidation, I completed a bucket-list item on Thursday. I went to Ocean Beach (the most hippie-friendly beach in San Diego) to play my djembe drum on loan. I remember 3 different beats from the drum circle workshop in Big Bear through Urban Life. (Does anyone remember any other sayings? I remember "pass the popcorn," "Mississippi-yuh," and "strawberry ice cream.")

Regardless, I felt high self-conscious as I walked to find a scarcely populated spot. I enjoyed drumming the different beats and practicing transitioning between two different ones.

I have a special bucket-list shout out. My cousin, Louis, taught me how to get all of the white cubes on one side of the Rubik's cube.

And now to tackle my avoided 20s bucket-list items: surfing and reading my poetry.

Question

I am looking for constructive feedback. Please remember that I value honesty, but I am a sensitive soul. Lies always hurt more than the truth.

Anyway, caveat completed. Am I unclear when I communicate via e-mail or in person? Is there something I need to work on to ensure clear communication? I feel like teachers are not understanding what I say, or they do understand and then jump to incorrect conclusions about what I am saying. As in, they apply my statement in a way I did not intend.

I am at a loss, and almost out of tears. Almost. And just to clarify a pet peeve of mine, tears are no indication of weakness. Better out than in, Shrek always says. It's more profound than the context of the movie.

Anyway, send me a message, carrier pigeon, or post comments on the blog.

Bucket list #5 and #4

So my burst of energy fizzled for my 20s bucket list, but I managed to scrape some items from the bucket of my life.

In January, I wrote a song. By "wrote a song," I mean I edited a poem to match a 4 count beat I played on a drum. It's not quality, but I'm proud that I attempted to combine my words and music and play with rhythm.

In February, I went to my second cheer competition in 2 months. Oh yes, in January I went to a cheer competition as well as in February. I now know what hurdle kicks are. Bring it on.

In March, I am looking forward to potentially publishing a poem, seeing my cousin in Santa Barbara, celebrating Easter AND said cousin's birthday, and a Bollywood dance performance. Perhaps my "bucket list" item will be driving up the 101 to Santa Barbara, or perhaps back to San Diego on a Sunday.

Either way, I am thankful for a March filled with fun things to look forward to. Last year, March was a very difficult month. On the 5th, I will be eating peanut butter cups and remember my uncle Peter. Rest in peace.

Thus continues my march toward turning 30.

Bucket list #6

In December, I quietly decided to start a bucket list for my last 6 months in my 20s.

My list for December was short and manageable, much like myself.

I finished my short story and submitted it to the New Yorker. Perhaps one day they will publish something I submit.

I also started a book about Listening Prayer. I'm trying to be more in tune with God's presence. We had a little bit of a conversation through my thoughts and Scripture. The bucket list for December was accomplished.

This month, I am considering an open mic night (yikes!).

Regardless of my bucket list, I plan to audition for a hip hop dance group January 19. I've auditioned before. It's, at the very least, a free cardio hip hop class!

In February, I'd like to purchase a djembe drum.

The timing is not so much important as long as I complete at least one task each month.

Future endeavors included surfing, so if any of my surfing friends want to help me make that happen, I'd appreciate it!

I'm also open to suggestions.

The culmination of this will be twofold, my 30th birthday on June 2 and the World Famous Mud Run at Camp Pendleton on June 8. I was serious about 30 being dirty.

Remembering 2012

2012 began like any other year. Wait, that's a lie. My parents were in town. I had spent the night at Erin and Ivan's house after a combination of drinks and Michael Jackson Experience on the Wii. In 2011, I rang in the new year on a rooftop in Haiti, so no one year ever begins the same. Aside from those details, 2012 seemed like it would be just like any other year.

In February, I reclaimed Valentine's day. Some friends and I celebrated Palentine's day. I booked a massage on February 14. It was not the day of despair as in 2011. In many ways, I thought 2012 would exceed previous years. In some ways, it did, but in one way it did not.

For some reason, 2012 was plagued with news of suicide.

It began March 5, 2012. My energetic, mischievous uncle Peter left us. I still have to pinch myself--did that really happen? Time seems to have stopped then, but time does not stop. Only my perception of time. While I was the saddest I have ever felt, for the first time in difficult circumstances I still believed God was good. I'm thankful for how He carried me through the wake and the funeral, and well, even now He's carrying me. God, in His goodness, has used this tragedy for some redemptive moments in my life. Sometimes, I am angry that God brought any good from this event, but, truthfully, they were really good events. I guess I just wish there had been some other way. So what were those good events? Well, I realized how much I really do love my family. I had definitely taken them for granted and focused on the negative. I was able to see the love and strength between my family members. This even also impacted my personal growth. It was the missing puzzle piece that completed me. I learned how grief has played a role in my life as an idealist. I had a name for the feeling I have had all my life for the anger and sadness in a world that is not how it was intended to be. A world where we all have pain and injustice.

There are other stories of suicide throughout the year that affected my friends, but I will not discuss that here. For said friends who are reading this, I'm sorry for your loss and for your pain. I rejoice with those who have a positive outcome.

This year I dove into retreats with Urban Life. As any other youth retreat I attend as a leader, I am stretched and twisted until I cry "uncle;" well, until I cry to Jesus...It's always a blessing, and it's always an honor to get to know those teenagers. Always lots of fun memories. I even learned some new dance steps--the wobble, the cupid shuffle, and the bernie.

In June, I celebrated my 29th birthday. I declared 29 as divine, and it has lived up to its reputation. I had such a sweet celebration in Dallas, Texas with my 2 cousins, my 2 uncles, my aunt, and her mom and sister. Museums, red velvet cake, presents, and a mechanical bull. What more does one need? Oh yes, an honorary reeses peanut butter cup in memory of my uncle. The celebration continued in San Diego with some wonderful friends.

At the end of June through the middle of July, I visited friends and family in upstate NY. I went to Montreal to visit the same aunt and uncle from Dallas. There was a jazz festival that was fantastic. My cousin had her bridal shower and bachelorette party all in the same day. I saw my bestest friend in the universe. I hung out with my parents by the river. Good times were had by all.

Work began again in August. It's been quite the busy school year, but all is well. I enjoy what I do, and I enjoy seeing  my students grow. Some of whom are now taller than me.

In September, my cousin got married but, regrettably, I could not attend. My friend Lauren got married in September. I stood as a bridesmaid for my friend Mary's wedding in October. I flew to Alabama for that wedding and enjoyed the food and the southern drawls.

Also, I started attending an informal writing group. My awesome co-worker organized it. Some fellow writers and I gather twice a month to peer edit our work. The creativity is energizing.

Thanksgiving was spent with my church family. I enjoyed having a week off from work. I used it to write my Christmas cards and buy presents for all of the good people on my list.

Christmas with my parents in Florida was a delight. One of the highlights was seeing an alligator on Christmas day on the golf course. Playing cards and hanging out with my parents is always fun. There's something special about being able to just rest in each other's company.

So, I welcome 2013 with open arms. 2012 was quite the adventure. I'm hoping for less drama, lots of laughter, and plenty of fun activities with family and friends. May God bless you and keep you.

The limitations of an educator

One of my students is heavy on my heart. I have known him for 4 years. I met him when he was in first grade. Now, he is in fifth grade (obviously, for those of you who can add in your add). I remember him as a quiet kid. He had difficulty answering yes/no questions. A different student in his group received a lot of my attention, since he was 30% intelligible. I remember trying to make up for that when the student was in third grade by working with him one-on-one for a while to help him make progress and, well, it would only encourage him to participate.
As a first grade student, this kid would just sit there in class. Some attention deficit disorder but also no motivation. This remains a concern. He doesn't like anything and doesn't care about anything, either. Yes, he likes video games, but if it means he has to do homework, he's fine just sitting in his room and staring at the wall.
He has been participating in his speech group this year. Participation was never a huge issue, but it has definitely improved. I have been surprised by his right answers and proud of him for seeing him make connections with acquired knowledge.
Today, I yelled at him. Well, I spoke louder than usual. I by no means yelled, but I was angry. Angry, because I care so damn much. So angry I didn't even know what to say. My student may not care about his future, but I do, and I will care for him, if I can.
He had told the paraprofessional who leads his resource (specialized academic instruction) group that he didn't want to do his work today; he'd do during recess on Monday. That is not the kid who participates in my speech group. It's not out of his character, but his indifference is rapidly increasing.
So, I (loudly) asked him why he wasn't working. He shrugged his shoulders. I responded, if you don't have a reason, then you're going to do the work. I told him he was smart and how I enjoyed working with him in my group. When I left the room, he was walking over to tell the resource specialist that he was going to complete his work on Monday.
My plan is to observe his group on Monday and to pray to God that during this child's life, he will start to care and want to learn. God may or may not use me, but I trust He has a plan for this child.

Crackety Crackety Wiggity Wiggity

Clearly the title of this post describes the chiropractor. I apologize for stating the obvious.

This week God showed up in the details of my life. He showed up in such a way, it reminded me of Psalm 37: 4 "Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (NIV).

On Tuesday my school district hosted a wellness fair for employees. I only went to earn points for a free entrance for the Coronado Bay bridge run in May of next year. For once there was a short line to get a back screening. Tension in the back showed up on a computer screen while the metal electrodes slide along my back. The goal is to see the color white. Mild is green. Blue and red are moderate. Black is high. The guy before was older and it seemed like his job was physically active. He had red and blue. Surely my back would be green or white. When I turned to see my results, it was 95% black. I was shocked, but then it started to make sense. My neck has been bothering me for a while. The end of last week I was trying to crack my lower back, because it did not feel quite right. My shoulders are always tense. I figured I just needed to get a massage for some relief. Or perhaps stretch more. (I still think both of those things are good ideas but not the solution).

I agreed to purchase their coupon and go get my back examined by an actual chiropractor. The guy at the booth was just drumming up business. I was concerned it would turn out to be shady but the next day the receptionist for the chiropractor called to confirm my appointment.

The exam consisted of X-rays, more electrode type scans to measure tension and the temperature of my nerves. Turns out by measuring temperature you can see whether they are straight or not. There was a hands on portion of the exam and another scan that measured inflammation (maybe?). During that portion, the chiropractor hit a sore spot in my lower back. It hurt when he touched it. He was not putting a lot of pressure on it, either. Clearly, something was not right.

I learned a new word. Subluxation. I like to think of it as misaligned. It's not a complete dislocation but that shit ain't right, either. It was used in context of the vertebrae that protect the spinal cord.

Friday, I returned for my results.

The spine has natural curves. One of those curves is in the neck. The vertebrae in my neck are straight. Straight! The bottom part of my spine (sacrum) is also in the wrong spot, which has made my pelvic bones uneven. I also have a few vertebrae that are subluxated. The curve along the bottom of my spine is normal but as it gets into my thoracic vertebrae and neck it's misshapen. One of my lower vertebrae may even be fractured. He talked about surgery but ONLY if it starts to affect the function of inner organs. So no need for surgery. I may have been born with the vertebrae that way; there is a genetic component. The chiropractor said he will not touch that vertebrae when he adjusts my spine.

Hence, crackety crackety wiggity wiggity. That is what it's like to have the spine adjusted. Perhaps wiggity wiggity should be first. I had to lie down on my side. He bent my leg so my knee was perpendicular to my body. He stretched one of my arms and put it by my side. He then used his body as a brace to prevent me from moving and crackety crackety. A quick jerking motion and releases tension, hence the noise. He started with my neck. He was rocking it back and forth. All was calm and peaceful and then crackety crackety. I was a little tense as he went to the other side, because it's just weird. Not painful but unusual. I convinced myself to relax so the crackety crackety didn't become snappity snappity.

You may be wondering how God showed up in all of this. Well, when I was little I remember seeing the elderly in church. They were hunched over. Their back had become rounded instead of straight. I always thought, I don't want to look like that when I'm older. The concern never went away, but it lived in the back of my mind.

Now God is providing a way for me to correct my spine. He knows the desire of my heart.

I will confess I feel really fancy about going to a chiropractor. It feels like a luxury, but then I remind myself it's corrective and preventative care. In 2 weeks, I will have exercises to do to get my curve back. So Stella got her groove back, and I'm working on getting my curve back. I mean, really, I'll never lose my groove. After all, God knows the desires of my heart.