Dusty

I've been spinning circles instead of blogging. Sometimes I sit and wait for brilliant words to flow from my brain, but only mediocre words trickle forth. It annoys me, because I really feel somewhere in the cobwebs of my brain there's something brilliant.

As of late, the fact that I now believe in Jesus has been brought to my attention. San Diego friends did not fully know agnostic Erin. San Diego people saw my journey progress, more or less.

My world is colliding with old friends who don't know the new me and current friends who say things I used to say about God. I feel like one of the fish Jesus caught with the disciples. I believe in Him, but I feel trapped. Suffocating from the newness of my transformed beliefs.

I am still surprised by my new beliefs. I am still uncomfortable. The beliefs are growing on me; I accept them fully, but I'm used to old beliefs not my new ones.

I have a friend calling me "religious." It is not malicious in nature, but my core cringes. I am not religious; I rebelled from that. I still reject that; I have a personal relationship with Jesus. He's got my back. He has proved that to me. I prayed about that before I accepted Him. It's difficult to argue with answered prayer.

I believe in Jesus, and I feel like an awkward teenager. I'm not the "God bless" type, not even when someone sneezes. I'm trying to share the joy I've experienced from Jesus, but I'm not the "omg you have to hear this" type. If I really did not feel joyful and notice a shift in perspective, I would think my own post was lame.

I do things that if given the opportunity a year and a half ago would have bet my life that I would never do such things. I give close to 10% of my paycheck to a church. One of my reasons for leaving the church was their entire sermons on tithing! But I did not attend a bilingual church in Plattsburgh. I had never heard a pastor (especially since I was raised Catholic with priests) say "If you are visiting our church, please do not give us money." I've never experienced a church provide a welcoming atmosphere and work so hard toward serving the people in their community. I've never heard a church acknowledge their sin. Once you get past the guilt, knowing you will sin is actually liberating. Yes, I will fuck up. Yes, Jesus will still love me. What? All I can do is try. If karma was really true, it would kick my ass. I don't do enough good things to yield any sizable karmic reward. Karma would be waiting for me after I parked my car in the alley. It would carry a large bat. But Jesus died to pay the price for all of my sins. I can experience God, because the barrier of sin is gone. Sin still exists, but you don't need a priest to connect with God.

Am I sounding preachy now? That would make me ill.

Only a few of my family members know I'm attending church. I'm not sure how many knew I had stopped attending church. I'm a closet Jesus-believer. I still don't fully accept the term "Christian." I still think of Eddie Izzard's sketch in which he calls the Bible a "Bib-Lee." I usually need to think about how to say it correctly while around people who are unfamiliar with Eddie.

I have these struggles for a reason. This is my perspective. In retrospect, I turned away from God based upon the actions of other men and women. Humans are sinful creatures. Other human beings will disappoint you to some degree. God will disappoint you to some degree, but He knows your story from beginning to end. He knows how to use your disappointment to fuel your next greatest achievement.

My pastor often describes how Jesus will change you once you accept Him. He's right, but it's note the way I imagined it. I've noticed some big changes in my life, but I'm still me. The changes are gradual. My mind is still in the gutter; I'm still amused by little things; I still try to pet every single cat I see; "Baby got back" is still my official theme song. Some things will never change, but if nothing changed then I'd be standing still. Standing still does not permit dancing; shake my booty I must.

Maybe my brilliance would shine if I did not feel the need to lurk in the shadows.