Broken

My wrist is essentially broken, but that is the least of my problems.

I am broken. My spirit, my soul is broken. I feel beyond fixing. I'm tired, weary, and wrestling with who God created me to be. I'm angry, scared, and lonely. I'm an introvert living in an extroverted world; how will anyone understand me? I don't even take the time to understand myself. It would just be one more thing in which I'm alone.

A second opinion

Wednesday morning at 6:00 a.m. I fell while jogging. I assume the sidewalk was uneven, and I tripped. I went from upright to sprawled on the sidewalk before I had time to process what happened. I was seriously stunned as I lay on the sidewalk. My knees are scraped and bruised. My pants ripped at my right knee, in which the scrape still requires a band-aid (a Scooby-Doo band-aid, no less). The top of my right forearm is scraped, and I have a bruise by my elbow. The best part? I may have sprained my wrist. The knob-like bone swelled. In time, my wrist continued to swell. Thursday, I realized I should probably go see a doctor. Friday, I got an x-ray, but I will not know the results until Monday.

What advice did I receive from the doctor? His advice shows the stark contrast between the Sensing preference and the Intuitive preference. In case you forgot, I am intuitive. Sensing people (75% of the population) rely upon facts. The doctor told me I should walk or use a stationary bike, because I do not want to fall again. This is practical advice. There's a slightly bitter taste in my mouth as I write practical. I am intuitive; I grasp possibilities. I don't ask why; I ask why not? It is physically possible for me to jog. My wrist hurts not my ankle or any other part of my leg, not even my knees, which are prone to be sensitive. I am physically capable of running, but the law of gravity seems to trump what's possible in a factual world.

I didn't dare tell my doctor that Thursday night I went hiking in the dark not to mention I drank a beer and ate a sandwich 3/4 of the way up. Was I concerned about falling? Of course. Do I let facts guide my life, or my decisions? No. Do I entertain facts while making decisions? Yes, but I value what is possible. Jogging is possible, but I will walk this weekend while rolling my eyes.

Feeling

I feel things, deeply. I internalize so much. I haven't written about Haiti, because it is too painful. I feel the desperation of the people. I am suffocated by their injustices.

I cling to possibilities while forgetting the facts. God loves the people in Haiti. God is just. He sent his son to die for our sins. We are saved through Jesus. God wins.

My counselor keeps reminding me that I bear God's image. It's felt unbearable my entire life. I always felt like I was wrong. I'm adaptable, so I'd change my colors to blend in with my surroundings. I can't change my colors. I can't blend in. I will never blend in. I am the color in a black and white world. I never ask "why;" I ask "why not?"

I struggle with authenticity. How can I be an heir in God's kingdom when I cannot earn my righteousness? I am not righteous. I wrestle with the cornerstone of Christianity.

I am baffled by how I can feel joyful and an aching sadness at the same time. I feel what others feel. It does not mean I understand how that person feels, but I feel it to a lesser degree. God hasn't shown me what to do with my ability to feel.

How did Jesus walk the earth knowing he had the power to heal everyone? He did nothing on his own; he completely relied upon his Father. Why can't I accept that God did not create me to heal everyone? How do I become entangled within a web of possibilities while ignoring the facts? And this is a good thing? God intentionally created me this way? God is pleased with me?

I feel like a piece of art. Its beauty is revealed the more it is studied. I'm still studying, asking my Father to reveal my beauty. I'm tired of avoiding myself; I'm tired of going down the destructive path. I still do not know which gifts and talents are unique to me. God is pruning my branches. I feel like a giant weed. How long, O Lord? Thank you for remembering me and loving me.

I hate sharing my thoughts, because I haven't sorted things out yet. I prefer to understand my world before I express it. But I believe that my brokenness is part of my testimony. God is with me. He meets me in my brokenness. I just can't recognize him, yet.

Mixing church and state?

I used to be staunchly against church and state during my college years. I wore the secular humanist hat proudly. I'm still liberal, but now I believe in Jesus and attend a church. Now, I work at a school.

Driving home, I was thinking about 2 students of mine who are struggling with bullying, because they are different. I have prayed to Jesus to fight their injustice. My students always ask me what to do or what to say when it happens. I've talked with the school counselor to give them tips as well as their teachers. Driving home, Jesus offered some advice. I can tell my 2 students to look at the bully and say, "I forgive you" just before they walk away.

I figure the bully will be surprised to hear he or she is forgiven. Maybe I can speak truth into the lives of my students by serving them. What's that quote? "Preach the gospel always and when necessary use words." attributed to St. Francis of Assisi.

Lead me to the cross

While in Haiti trip numero dos, Joel read the sermon on the mount from Matthew (also referred to as the Beatitudes). I was moved to tears listening to the word of God. I cried in front of our entire group as I shared what God put on my heart. I cannot recall clearly what I said, but I remember being grabbed by "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they shall be satisfied."

Justice has always been a passion of mine. Up until 2005, I planned on becoming a Supreme Court justice. I studied for and took the LSAT. I decided against becoming a lawyer, because I knew the job would burn me out. I had stopped believing in God while I was in college, so being a lawyer without knowing Jesus as Savior would have been unbearable. I also stopped reading the news when the United States waged war against Iraq. The news of the world was just too sad. My frustration grew, because I could not fix the problems of the world. I still have to remind myself that the position for Savior of the world has already been filled. (Can I get an Amen?)

One thing I have noticed, and if you are friends with me on Facebook you may have also noticed, is that I appear to be hungering and thirsting after knowledge. I've been bookmarking and sharing articles and websites related to Haiti, justice, missions, and, honestly, I'm not sure what else because I struggle with time to read all of it.

I'm excited to see how God will use me. To be honest, I was very frustrated with my lack of progress since returning from Haiti. I submitted an article to the San Diego Tribune that will be published tomorrow in the editorial section. I am beyond excited as I truly see two verses at work in this: Psalm 37: 4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart, and John 5: 19 Jesus gave them this answer: "Very truly I tell you, the son can do nothing by himself." Growing up, I wanted to be a published author. Perhaps, I will never publish a book, but a newspaper article feeds into that same desire. I also feel, however, anxious about what I wrote. I barely remember what I wrote. Are the thoughts I wrote the ones that should be shared with the world? At this point, I can only trust God, and I trust that He guided me as I wrote what I submitted to the San Diego Union Tribune. I am still waiting to hear from the NY Times. I submitted a different article. I have an idea for a third article with an idea of where to submit it.

I am just so thankful to see God use me. I asked Patti what I could do while we sat in the common area of Pastor David's house one evening. She mentioned writing editorials for newspapers. BAM. God made it happen. I am in awe of how God weaves our lives together, how God uses us to encourage each other.

I grasp possibilities rather than rely on facts. Counseling has helped me see this imbalance. I am really excited about how God is actually helping me gather some facts as I feel voracious for information. Yesterday my counselor asked me about future trips to Haiti, and I said that I did not know. I'm focusing on living authentically, which means serving my community. My goal is to consistently participate with service events through Adams Avenue Crossing and to regularly attend a Haitian church service. Prayers for the later will be much appreciated. Prayer for time to read everything I have bookmarked in my web browser would also be much appreciated.

More importantly, I pray that we all may learn to listen to God, so that we may help those had he has created us to help. Thousands of people asked Jesus to heal them, but he only healed those whom the Father told him to heal. God has a plan to satisfy all of the injustices in the world. Amen!

One year

I have had a heavy heart since returning from my second trip to Carrefour. I appreciated being able to lift up my brothers and sisters in prayer, but I kept feeling a pull to do something. There are so many needs to be met, I began to feel overwhelmed. I began to carry the burden of the country on my shoulders.

But then I remember the gospel. Jesus came to save us. We live in a broken world; Jesus came to forgive us of our sins. He came to bridge the gap between God and mankind. God confused our language, so we could not build a tower to Heaven. Instead, he sacrificed his only son so that we could enter heaven through Jesus.

As I continue to pray for Haiti, I ask God to fulfill this promise in Isaiah 30 (verse 18) Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him.

I struggle to wait, but I can rest trusting in a God of justice and compassion. As I hunger and thirst for justice, God has already provided for the justice I seek among my brothers and sisters.

Haiti has a long, hard journey ahead of them, but God is with them and will provide for their needs.

Psalm 46: 1-3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its water roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

A student editor

I am blessed to work at an elementary school. I am blessed to work with a student who is capable of proof-reading my grammar.

On Wednesday, I typed notes regarding what he was telling me so I could discuss with his teacher and other colleagues as necessary.

He stood next to me and proofread what I wrote. I conceded the first correction, but after the second, I felt the need to defend myself. These are my notes. My goal is content not grammar.

My inner-geek beamed as I was corrected by one of my students. The art of grammar will not disappear completely.