I cling to possibilities while forgetting the facts. God loves the people in Haiti. God is just. He sent his son to die for our sins. We are saved through Jesus. God wins.
My counselor keeps reminding me that I bear God's image. It's felt unbearable my entire life. I always felt like I was wrong. I'm adaptable, so I'd change my colors to blend in with my surroundings. I can't change my colors. I can't blend in. I will never blend in. I am the color in a black and white world. I never ask "why;" I ask "why not?"
I struggle with authenticity. How can I be an heir in God's kingdom when I cannot earn my righteousness? I am not righteous. I wrestle with the cornerstone of Christianity.
I am baffled by how I can feel joyful and an aching sadness at the same time. I feel what others feel. It does not mean I understand how that person feels, but I feel it to a lesser degree. God hasn't shown me what to do with my ability to feel.
How did Jesus walk the earth knowing he had the power to heal everyone? He did nothing on his own; he completely relied upon his Father. Why can't I accept that God did not create me to heal everyone? How do I become entangled within a web of possibilities while ignoring the facts? And this is a good thing? God intentionally created me this way? God is pleased with me?
I feel like a piece of art. Its beauty is revealed the more it is studied. I'm still studying, asking my Father to reveal my beauty. I'm tired of avoiding myself; I'm tired of going down the destructive path. I still do not know which gifts and talents are unique to me. God is pruning my branches. I feel like a giant weed. How long, O Lord? Thank you for remembering me and loving me.
I hate sharing my thoughts, because I haven't sorted things out yet. I prefer to understand my world before I express it. But I believe that my brokenness is part of my testimony. God is with me. He meets me in my brokenness. I just can't recognize him, yet.
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