Another Try

I'm certain you've heard the saying "You can't go home again" or something to that effect. Well, I disagree. I left home in July 2006 and have returned approximately twice a year since then. With increasing time, it can have awkward moments. When I'm around people who have influenced the core of my being, however, I feel empowered, enlivened, elevated, energized--I cannot find a word to describe it. I appreciate where I came from; I love returning to marvel at the green grass, rainy sunless weather that I purposefully left, apple orchards, apple cider, fall foliage, the regional dialect, duct tape, and all other things classified under local color. Of course, I enjoy spending time with my parents, bestest friend in the universe, high school Spanish and AP English teacher, and various other family members and friends.

During my summer pilgrimage , I was constantly on the go. This visit actually feels like a vacation. I went into town today with my Mom to visit family and run errands. I left my cell phone at the house. I only checked my email a few times a day. At first, I was uncomfortable with nothing to do. I've since adjusted. At the same time, I'm looking forward to returning and reviving my routine in San Diego.

I thought my thoughts were geared toward returning home, but they have been overshadowed by my most in-my-face sin.

Being home has made it difficult to eat responsibly. I gained 4 pounds in a week. IN. A. WEEK. (technically, 6 days.) Last week, it would have pushed me over the edge. Jesus intervened last week. This week, He stood on the scale with me (hence the weight gain {just kidding}) and gave me the strength to endure the truth. My motivation has improved, but the struggle is still present. Being home does not help. I went to a restaurant known for specialty hot dogs only sold in the area and ordered a salad. Yes, I said salad. I almost changed my mind while my 6 surrounding family members ordered michigans with homemade fries. Before I flew out, I had decided against going for michigans. The trip was spontaneous, I did not need bonus michigans. Upon arriving, I changed my mind. After being weighed, I realized I needed to prioritize. For the record, I do not feel deprived. Tomorrow night I am having drinks with cousins, and Friday, I am having a girls night complete with snacks and wine. Now, the challenge is to indulge responsibly not as a glutton like I usually do. While I am committed to giving my all to lose weight, I'm terrified of failing. I went from losing 29 pounds to 25 pounds. I was so close to my goal, and now I'm so far away. But I will look at it as a new start. I spent months in limbo between 29 and 25 and now I am all the way back to 25. I will push forward, and I will show myself that I can do it during a time that I always choose to indulge as a glutton. I will try, anyway. I don't even want to post this, as it truly is my shameful struggle.

Until I reach my goal weight, I will combine the powers of diet and exercise so neither have to be stringent. At times, I felt like I had figured out how much exercise I needed to combat all the extra calories. But I still have no idea. Praise to Jesus for using this setback to motivate me, because I could have easily become depressed. I suppose this is how being home can help even though it has its challenges. Oh right, I have the same challenges in San Diego. After all, 3 of the 4 people I update weekly about my weigh-in live in NY.

Truly, I am having a wonderful time. I've seen the trees ablaze and finished walks outside just before the rain sauntered down. I had quality chat time with my best friend, which was something we lacked during my summer trip. Plus, we finally scheduled our pedicures together. Unfortunately, my feet are stuck in socks due to the weather, but I'm hopeful for San Diego.

I'm just so thankful to have Jesus to support me, because I cannot go 40 days and nights without food. I strive to live on the word of God.

Feel free to send me your prayer requests; I'd love to do something more productive with my time. Please, I'd be happy to pray for you.