Lean on Me

Let me explain a typical day for me.

I wake up early in the morning; typically I awake saddened: the usual waking up alone blues plus, the I-don't-want-to-get-out-of-my-warm-nest-of-a-bed feeling that always causes me to hit snooze at least once. The combination typically keeps me in bed for close to 30 minutes.

I do my best to psych myself up for the day. I pray and share my feelings. On a good day, I ask for His mercy. On a really sad day, I cry in the shower and plead with Him to carry me throughout the day. Honestly, though, I need Him to carry me through every day.

I eat breakfast, which is one of my favorite meals of the day. I eat while checking e-mail and Facebook. I scrounge for motivation to finish getting ready for work.

Once at work, I do enjoy my job.

On any given day, I'm receiving hugs, giving high fives, coaching students to produce this sound or that, playing Go Fish or Apples to Apples, Jr, playing Simon Says, reminding students to say the "is" in "She is running" or reminding them to say "she" instead of "her." Just as a few examples. Or if I'm in the special day class kindergarten (SDC) class, I am reminding students to sit down or to stay on task. For some reason, the students in the SDC kinder class really like my hair. At least three students have told me so explicitly on different days, and one boy likes to stare at the top of my head. Anyway, the SDC class can be quite intense. These students are learning how to be in school. If they don't want to do something, why wouldn't they run around the room knocking things over? Let alone the times they choose to yell at or hit adults in the room. Not to mention when they run around the room, they think it's a game. My day wears me out more than I readily admit to myself.

It is very clear at work that I am completely dependent upon God to serve the students with whom I work.

While at home after work, I stumble while tired. I begin to believe lies from the enemy. I try to deny that there's an enemy. I am tired of seeing the pain of the world. I want God to come NOW and fix everything. I want my ideals to be reality. I do not want any more tears or suffering for anybody.

The longer I wait the more doubt creeps in, the more I start to believe my doubt.

I become paralyzed and no longer want to complete life's daily chores or do fun things like playing Michael Jackson experience on my Wii. I typically try to numb myself to my feelings. I feel so much throughout the day: joy, fatigue, frustration, etc. I don't feel like wrestling with God about fixing everything.

But that numbness leads to condemnation and shame. Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Jesus, the good Shepherd that He is, seeks me out. Every time. He is gracious and merciful. His love draws me back.

So, you see, my day is a roller coaster of emotions. Alive, joyful in Christ or dead in despair.

On Saturday, I had a day that was mostly alive in Christ. I knew I could easily slip into despair, so I brewed a cup of chai tea and headed to Sunset Cliffs for a date with God. The picture in this post was taken during my date. I was blessed with some sweet journal time rooted in Truth.

While jogging/walking after work, I heard Linkin Park's "Shadow of the day." One line whispered to my soul, "and the sun will set for you." Yes, indeed, the sun sets for me while I reflect with gratitude upon the mercies extended from Christ; the sun rises every morning with new mercies. I mean that sunset was the artistry of God: gold, orange, and yellow illuminating the clouds with pink steamers to the north of the sunset. Behind me was the moon with stars gradually emerging. The ocean was translucent sapphires, blown glass rippling. It was stunning. Just like God.

God's beauty is created for all of us to enjoy. How incredible? No wonder people feel "spiritual" when in nature. It's God's handiwork.

Needless to say, I was touched. Hands up enjoying the roller coaster.

But then I came to a sharp turn that jammed my arm into the door. As I walked closer to home, I passed a gas station. Two men were yelling at each other, arguing over whose turn it was, I assume. They were in each others' faces and dropping f-bombs. I literally shed a few tears while I prayed. Jesus, these men need you. Please give them peace. Please reconcile this. You see, I feel those emotions deeply. I feel the sadness of our pain, the consequences of sin in this world. And I'm sad to think about my actions hurt others. It's a painful world, and my compassion is a gift that is difficult to carry.

I try to look toward Jesus as an example. Can you imagine how He felt walking through the streets of Jerusalem? So many people followed Him. So many people in pain who needed healing. Yet, through communion with His Father, He went to those whom He was told to help. He was not called to meet every single person. He did not go rogue and start healing everyone He met. No, He submitted to His Father's plan, even when it included His own sacrificial death. And even on the cross, He forgave us who nailed Him to that cross.

Father forgive us; we know not what we do, to each other, to ourselves, and to You.

I am reminded of a quote by Plato: "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Lets help each other as we ride the roller coaster. Jesus knows we need the support from a community. Think of Aaron and Hur holding up the arms of Moses. Moses needed the help of his friends, and so do I. So do you. How can I help you? How can we help each other?