So, I decided to go to church with my mom tonight. It has been 7 years (plus or minus) since I had last entered a Catholic church. Even though I had started attending church regularly last year, I did not want to venture back.
Going with her was an impulsive decision. I am beginning to think that many of my decisions are rather impulsive. I am not sure if this is reckless or just a way for me to seize an opportunity by not over-thinking.
Regardless, we arrived late. I laughed as I reminded my mom about how my church (which is Presbyterian, but the joke is that only the Pastor is Presbyterian) starts later than scheduled.
As we entered and scouted a pew to sit in, I was immediately reminded of how much of the ritual I had forgotten. My mom kneeled before entering the pew. Oh yeah...I thought as I dipped my knee toward the floor. Since we were late, everyone else was standing. I also stood, but then I noticed my mom was kneeling to pray. Right...How could I forget about praying before mass started. This time I placed my knees on the padded kneeler (there must be a better word for it) and said a prayer. I asked to appreciate the mass, since most memories are riddled with negativity.
Maybe it was because of the heat, but I swear it was one of the shortest masses I have ever attended. The irony is that I always wanted them to be short growing up. After 1.5 hour services at my church, I was almost disappointed it was so brief. The hymns sung were slow and from an organ. The priest led the singing. They sung my favorite: Aleluia. I do not remember why it is my favorite, but it was my favorite as a youngster.
I forgot about the missalette, so I wasn't able to follow along for the First Reading.
After forgetting this and more, I was surprised that I remembered most of the responses for the Eucharist. While writing in my journal earlier, I could not recall a specific line, but I just remembered it: Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.
Lord, I am not worthy. I often read Psalm 51 to confess my sins and rejoice in your grace. Thank you for your unfailing love and great compassion. Thank you for your grace; thank you for saying the word.
In returning to a Catholic mass, I was able to see it with a new perspective. It did not change, but I had. I was able to appreciate the meaning behind the rituals. I was able to see Jesus there.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Mother Teresa: Self
From Mother Teresa: Come be my light
On page 112, Archbishop Perier wrote the following to Mother Teresa, "Try not to put anything on your own in all this. You are His instrument, nothing more." This was written after she received permission to enter the slums of India, yet while she was waiting to begin.
This advice from Archbishop Perier sparked Mother Teresa to write, "to learn how to get rid of self in myself and live intimately with Him. ... Pray for light that I may see and [for] courage to do away with anything of self in the work. I must disappear completely - if I want God to have the whole" (p. 113).
Lord, help me lose myself. Help me remember my role as your instrument, nothing more. My self and my thoughts need to disappear completely. Please, Lord. Help me fix my eyes upon Jesus, and lose myself in Christ.
On page 112, Archbishop Perier wrote the following to Mother Teresa, "Try not to put anything on your own in all this. You are His instrument, nothing more." This was written after she received permission to enter the slums of India, yet while she was waiting to begin.
This advice from Archbishop Perier sparked Mother Teresa to write, "to learn how to get rid of self in myself and live intimately with Him. ... Pray for light that I may see and [for] courage to do away with anything of self in the work. I must disappear completely - if I want God to have the whole" (p. 113).
Lord, help me lose myself. Help me remember my role as your instrument, nothing more. My self and my thoughts need to disappear completely. Please, Lord. Help me fix my eyes upon Jesus, and lose myself in Christ.
Mother Teresa: Victim
While sitting in Starbucks on Thursday July 8 (during my 3rd visit that day--it was day 3 or 4 of the heatwave in Lake Placid), I wrote the following while reading Mother Teresa: Come be my light edited and with commentary by Brian Kolodiejchuk, M.C.
On page 73, Mother Teresa wrote "Our Lord wants Indian Nuns, victims of his love."
"Victims" seemed to be a peculiar word choice. Upon reflection, I realized that His love is SO powerful that we are rendered powerless. It cannot be overcome. We are victims in this sense. There is no escaping His love. :)
On page 77, Mother Teresa quotes what she heard from God, "How it hurts to see these poor children soiled with sin...they don't know Me - so they don't want me...how I long to enter their holes - their dark unhappy homes. Come be their victim - In your immolation - in your love for Me - they will see Me - know Me - want Me..."
Again, the word "victim" is used. Be the victim of the people of India? Suffer through sacrificing your life - choosing to live as them in poverty and adopting their culture. In serving others we become a victim to the ones we serve? Perhaps 'victim' is an appropriate term so one does not expect anything in return when serving others: serving others for the sake of that person not the sake of the one serving.
Then, the light bulb illuminated, or my iced chai from trip Starbucks#2 jump-started my brain
Jesus was my victim. Through his sacrifice, because of His love for His Father, I came to see God, want God, and know God.
Serving others is a sacrifice. It is for the sole benefit of the one receiving the service. Jesus called Mother Teresa to suffer as he had suffered--to be a victim for others in order to share God's love.
Then I began to ponder how being someone's victim could apply to my trip to Haiti.
Will I be a victim of the Haitian people? What would that look like? I think many of the people in Haiti know you, God. What difference can I make? How can I be their victim? Sleeping in a tent during hurricane season is a sacrifice on my part, but I don't see how that would demonstrate my love for you. It's a sacrifice of a comfort. How can I be a victim of the Haitian people? How can they see you, know you, want you through my love for you? I trust you will answer this question in Haiti.
On page 73, Mother Teresa wrote "Our Lord wants Indian Nuns, victims of his love."
"Victims" seemed to be a peculiar word choice. Upon reflection, I realized that His love is SO powerful that we are rendered powerless. It cannot be overcome. We are victims in this sense. There is no escaping His love. :)
On page 77, Mother Teresa quotes what she heard from God, "How it hurts to see these poor children soiled with sin...they don't know Me - so they don't want me...how I long to enter their holes - their dark unhappy homes. Come be their victim - In your immolation - in your love for Me - they will see Me - know Me - want Me..."
Again, the word "victim" is used. Be the victim of the people of India? Suffer through sacrificing your life - choosing to live as them in poverty and adopting their culture. In serving others we become a victim to the ones we serve? Perhaps 'victim' is an appropriate term so one does not expect anything in return when serving others: serving others for the sake of that person not the sake of the one serving.
Then, the light bulb illuminated, or my iced chai from trip Starbucks#2 jump-started my brain
Jesus was my victim. Through his sacrifice, because of His love for His Father, I came to see God, want God, and know God.
Serving others is a sacrifice. It is for the sole benefit of the one receiving the service. Jesus called Mother Teresa to suffer as he had suffered--to be a victim for others in order to share God's love.
Then I began to ponder how being someone's victim could apply to my trip to Haiti.
Will I be a victim of the Haitian people? What would that look like? I think many of the people in Haiti know you, God. What difference can I make? How can I be their victim? Sleeping in a tent during hurricane season is a sacrifice on my part, but I don't see how that would demonstrate my love for you. It's a sacrifice of a comfort. How can I be a victim of the Haitian people? How can they see you, know you, want you through my love for you? I trust you will answer this question in Haiti.
Mother Teresa: Silence
I am currently reading Mother Teresa: Come be my light (http://www.amazon.com/Mother-Teresa-Private-Writings-Calcutta/dp/0385520379).
It is thought-provoking.
At the start of my vacation, on June 30, I read the following quote from Mother Teresa, "In the silence of the heart God speaks."
I decided that I wanted silence to be the theme of my vacation, so I could potentially hear God speak. Upon reflection of this goal, my performance has been unsatisfactory. I'd like to think I've had a silent moment or two, but I do not feel as if I'm able to fully quiet my brain.
Sure, I'm caught up on writing my daily devotionals, and I have seen Jesus show up big time since my arrival. But silence? Is that like shavasana at the end of a yoga class? I can never fully quiet my mind during that time, either.
My challenge this week is to silent my heart. Wow, I was ignoring "the heart" part of Mother Teresa's quote. Yes, I definitely need help silencing my heart this week!
It is thought-provoking.
At the start of my vacation, on June 30, I read the following quote from Mother Teresa, "In the silence of the heart God speaks."
I decided that I wanted silence to be the theme of my vacation, so I could potentially hear God speak. Upon reflection of this goal, my performance has been unsatisfactory. I'd like to think I've had a silent moment or two, but I do not feel as if I'm able to fully quiet my brain.
Sure, I'm caught up on writing my daily devotionals, and I have seen Jesus show up big time since my arrival. But silence? Is that like shavasana at the end of a yoga class? I can never fully quiet my mind during that time, either.
My challenge this week is to silent my heart. Wow, I was ignoring "the heart" part of Mother Teresa's quote. Yes, I definitely need help silencing my heart this week!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
To fulfill my goal...
I don't particularly feel inspired to write anything in great length. Suffice it to say this week has been a lesson in obedience and fearing God.
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. I am grateful. God is always good.
Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me. I am grateful. God is always good.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Long time no post...
I continue to slack as a blogger since I've begun writing daily devotionals. I love writing my devotionals and spending that time with God. I've also begun to crave more time with God. I've been writing in my prayer journal to really process my thoughts and my faith. My blog is no longer my main venue for spiritual processing. I would like to make it an official goal to post an entry once a week. I will likely post Sundays. Perhaps I'll post after the youth ministry on Tuesdays or after my pseudo-flock meets on Thursdays. I giggle at the thought of having a flock. Besides, it's Jesus' flock. My ego is always butting in.
Today Stephen referenced Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Lately I've been working on giving God control in my life. How to explain...I trust God. I know what I want to happen. God knows what I want to happen. God also knows everything that will happen. He has the best vantage point from which to make decisions and guide me. God listens to our prayers, but He also gives us what we truly need. Things we may not realize we need.
Not being in control can be scary, but it's also been really comforting, liberating. He's looking out for me. He knows what will happen in my life and has already planned accordingly. At least someone knows! I cannot tell you how many times I say "I don't know" in a given day.
I'm still astounded at the words that come out of my own mouth. I'm saying that I give my life to God. His will be done. My memory is vague, but I'm fairly certain I would have been very judgmental if I heard someone say that back when I was in college or even when I first moved to San Diego. It sounds laissez-faire. It sounds lazy or like a way to avoid reality. To my knowledge, I'm not using it that way. God is my refuge. I place my complete trust in Him. I'm a mess. With God, however, nothing is impossible. While I'm often tempted to handle problems myself, I see the most success when I place my trust in God.
So I strive to fix my thoughts upon Jesus, because He brings comfort, peace, joy, and love. He quiets fears and shares hope. He is a sanctuary in a broken world. I am broken; Jesus fixes me. I require repair daily. If I were a car, I'd be sitting in a junk yard. But Jesus does not give up. He is a master mechanic. He uses us as vehicles: whether it's giving rides to teens or living life in community to share love and forgiveness through Jesus.
Stephen was right today. The religious are an obstacle to Christ. There are no rituals that need to be completed to access God or Jesus. It is not our job to judge others (unfortunately, if we're honest, we're all guilty of this). Jesus called us to love each other. He came to forgive our sins and to bridge the gap between God and man.
Developing a relationship with Jesus has been an incredible journey. He's changed my life. I still make mistakes. I am still a sinful being. While I was exploring Christianity I always felt as if the fact that we still sin once we are forgiven is overlooked. Accept Jesus and everything changes; everything is great. It's true. But we still make mistakes. Jesus is perfect for us. He strengthens us to live more like Him. He understands we have many challenges. He forgives us. He heals us and our relationships. For this, I praise Him. For this, I am thankful and so filled with joy I want to shout!
Today Stephen referenced Ephesians 3:20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
Lately I've been working on giving God control in my life. How to explain...I trust God. I know what I want to happen. God knows what I want to happen. God also knows everything that will happen. He has the best vantage point from which to make decisions and guide me. God listens to our prayers, but He also gives us what we truly need. Things we may not realize we need.
Not being in control can be scary, but it's also been really comforting, liberating. He's looking out for me. He knows what will happen in my life and has already planned accordingly. At least someone knows! I cannot tell you how many times I say "I don't know" in a given day.
I'm still astounded at the words that come out of my own mouth. I'm saying that I give my life to God. His will be done. My memory is vague, but I'm fairly certain I would have been very judgmental if I heard someone say that back when I was in college or even when I first moved to San Diego. It sounds laissez-faire. It sounds lazy or like a way to avoid reality. To my knowledge, I'm not using it that way. God is my refuge. I place my complete trust in Him. I'm a mess. With God, however, nothing is impossible. While I'm often tempted to handle problems myself, I see the most success when I place my trust in God.
So I strive to fix my thoughts upon Jesus, because He brings comfort, peace, joy, and love. He quiets fears and shares hope. He is a sanctuary in a broken world. I am broken; Jesus fixes me. I require repair daily. If I were a car, I'd be sitting in a junk yard. But Jesus does not give up. He is a master mechanic. He uses us as vehicles: whether it's giving rides to teens or living life in community to share love and forgiveness through Jesus.
Stephen was right today. The religious are an obstacle to Christ. There are no rituals that need to be completed to access God or Jesus. It is not our job to judge others (unfortunately, if we're honest, we're all guilty of this). Jesus called us to love each other. He came to forgive our sins and to bridge the gap between God and man.
Developing a relationship with Jesus has been an incredible journey. He's changed my life. I still make mistakes. I am still a sinful being. While I was exploring Christianity I always felt as if the fact that we still sin once we are forgiven is overlooked. Accept Jesus and everything changes; everything is great. It's true. But we still make mistakes. Jesus is perfect for us. He strengthens us to live more like Him. He understands we have many challenges. He forgives us. He heals us and our relationships. For this, I praise Him. For this, I am thankful and so filled with joy I want to shout!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Hope in Jesus
My jogging partner and I ran the Race for Literacy this morning. We weren't sure if we'd make it to church after. I am so glad we did! We were late but made it in time for the sermon.
Stephen preached 1 Peter 3:8-18 with a reference to Psalm 39:7 But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. He also referenced Isaiah 8:13 The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, and he will be a sanctuary
It was interesting to hear how fearing God brings peace and hope. 1 Peter 3: 14 references Isaiah 3: 12 do not fear what they fear and adds do not be frightened.
I realized that I have many fears in my life but God is not consistently one of those fears. Fear is being in awe of God, acknowledging Him as Lord in our life. The example Stephen used was "Jesus you are my Lord not cancer." Fear Jesus instead of cancer. Jesus will fill you with hope. Jesus alone can heal you. It's already clear how the sanctuary piece comes into play. Personally, I've been worrying about money more since I've put myself on a stricter budget (yay tithing). Yet I know God will provide for me so worrying about money is not something I should be doing. I have plenty of safety nets in place. Like the comedian Carlos Mencia was saying, Americans do not know poverty. The poor here are very different than the poor in third-world countries.
By fearing God, I can put Him in control in my life. I can center my life around Him. Would God approve if I said that? Would He support me in this course of action? Or would I receive His wrath had Jesus not died for my sins?
Fearing God and rejoicing in Jesus is the balance in my spiritual life that I feel was lacking. I described it as taking God's grace for granted. Perhaps now I can be more aware of my sins and actually include God in more of my daily decisions. I fearfully submit to His will knowing that He will strengthen me to accept His will and it's challenges. While I continue to sin, I can put forth more effort to choose good.
What are your fears? How can Jesus conquer them for you?
Stephen preached 1 Peter 3:8-18 with a reference to Psalm 39:7 But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you. He also referenced Isaiah 8:13 The Lord Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, and he will be a sanctuary
It was interesting to hear how fearing God brings peace and hope. 1 Peter 3: 14 references Isaiah 3: 12 do not fear what they fear and adds do not be frightened.
I realized that I have many fears in my life but God is not consistently one of those fears. Fear is being in awe of God, acknowledging Him as Lord in our life. The example Stephen used was "Jesus you are my Lord not cancer." Fear Jesus instead of cancer. Jesus will fill you with hope. Jesus alone can heal you. It's already clear how the sanctuary piece comes into play. Personally, I've been worrying about money more since I've put myself on a stricter budget (yay tithing). Yet I know God will provide for me so worrying about money is not something I should be doing. I have plenty of safety nets in place. Like the comedian Carlos Mencia was saying, Americans do not know poverty. The poor here are very different than the poor in third-world countries.
By fearing God, I can put Him in control in my life. I can center my life around Him. Would God approve if I said that? Would He support me in this course of action? Or would I receive His wrath had Jesus not died for my sins?
Fearing God and rejoicing in Jesus is the balance in my spiritual life that I feel was lacking. I described it as taking God's grace for granted. Perhaps now I can be more aware of my sins and actually include God in more of my daily decisions. I fearfully submit to His will knowing that He will strengthen me to accept His will and it's challenges. While I continue to sin, I can put forth more effort to choose good.
What are your fears? How can Jesus conquer them for you?
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