I'm fairly certain it is safe to say that Haiti will change me as a person. I welcome this change. I appreciate that I cannot anticipate how I will change. I look forward to meeting God in new ways. I anticipate seeing Jesus show up. I offer myself to God as an unworthy and incapable servant.
I mistakenly think I can prepare for such a trip. God has been preparing me in ways unbeknown to me, but here are some things that I think will help.
1. I've been reading a book about Mother Teresa. Wow! Her dedication to Jesus is astounding. I have no words to express the impact of this book, and I haven't even finished it yet. It is thought-provoking. It is encouraging. She is a role model. She is an ordinary person. She was humble, because she knew her sins. While I think she's a much better person than I am, I don't think she would ever agree. She is a reminder that we are all sinners, and through God nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37). She is an inspiration for ministry work everywhere. She lived in poverty; she lived with the people she served. She lived the way Jesus taught us to live. Yet once she began her ministry, she felt as if she were nobody to God. She felt alone. She had moments of affirmation, but the majority of the time she felt alone. I don't think I could get out of bed if I felt as if God had abandoned me. What did Mother Teresa do? She smiled. Many of the sisters she lived with and worked with did not know her darkness. (If I give you a copy of this book, do not be surprised!)
2. I've spent some time praying about Haiti. I've spent some time with God while reading the Bible and while writing in my journal. Since I've started writing daily devotionals in December, I've felt as if the more time I spend with God or the more time I consistently spend with God, I begin to crave more time with God. I think what has been most beneficial is reminding myself to trust in God. Do I worry about a hurricane? packing? safety? Only until I remind myself that God will sustain me just as he sustains the Haitian people. I am thankful that I can keep renewing my trust in God to provide.
3. I'm trying to read about previous mission trips. This is my first mission trip. I have no idea what to expect. While I understand that very few people know what to expect from this trip, I am reminded of my "leap first, look second" decision-making tactics.
4. What is my motivation to go? A, I must confess my selfishness. I may very well receive more from the Haitian people than I am able to give to them. I'm really trusting God to use me as His instrument. If ever there were a time for me to obey to the fullest, this is it! B, I was inspired by my friend, Adam McLane (www.adammclane.com); he went in February. When he announced he was going, I was a little jealous. It sounded like an amazing opportunity; I was impressed to see Jesus working in his life. I often see Jesus working in Adam's life. It's encouraging to see him respond so readily. When Adam returned from Haiti, he talked about our community group going together. There's one thing I need to explain about my community group. We are this messy group of people who God brought together. I am certain God brought us together, because the group just works. When we get an idea, we will run with it. (I just have to give examples of past endeavors: a sex-trafficking awareness party at a bar, a bonfire at the beach where we fed a seemingly homeless man as well as some people celebrating 4/20 as well as practicing their fire-twirling techniques, breakfast tailgating before church since our pastor made a football comparison between church and the game, and a spam carving contest.) So when Adam talked about going, I agreed. There isn't much I won't do without the support of my community group. C, I need perspective in my life. I am reminded of the following verse:
Luke 18:25
Indeed, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
I often feel like that rich person. I do not want to be that person. Yet as a person living in America, how can I escape being such a person? How can I serve others? How can I use my resources to glorify God? I hope my trip to Haiti is another step in this process. D, I've only traveled to Canada and Mexico. While jogging with Kristen McLane and Amy, I decided that I wanted to combine my desire to travel with my desire to serve God. I explored other options for a mission trip, but the path led to Haiti.
5. What do I hope will happen in Haiti? I have many expectations for not knowing what to expect. My biggest expectation is a deeper understanding of what God meant when he called Mother Teresa to "Come be their victim" (p. 77). He asked her to be a victim of the people in India. Can I be a victim of the Haitian people? Can I suffer for them to show them God's love for them? What is God's plan in this? Will I see others acting as a victim for the Haitian people?
Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I will be packing as much as I can to bring to Haiti. Saturday evening I will attend a friend's wedding. Sunday I will stay with Cathie, a fellow traveler to Haiti. The morning of July 19, we fly to Haiti. We will be on the same flight as Adam and Kristen from Fort Lauderdale to Port au Prince. I have not seen the McLanes in a month, which is significant since we have a weekly quota of at least 3 days per week. I am truly excited to go, even though I realize it may be the hardest 6 days I've ever experienced.
Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
He is an awesome God, and I look forward to experiencing Him in new ways.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Hope Street
A year ago on July 24, I started this blog here in Champlain, NY. This year on July 24, I will be in Haiti. While I will most likely be unable to post a blog to commemorate my first blogging anniversary, I actually believe that being in Haiti IS the best way to celebrate a year blogging, a year pondering God and my daily interactions with Him.
I discovered Hope Street during the summer of 2005 in Saranac Lake. I lived there from May to July (August?) with my best friend. In 2005, I had turned my back from God. My definition of hope was from Greek mythology: I believe it escaped from Pandora's box. Hope can be a friend or a foe. I had seen it be both in my life.
I often visit my best friend in Saranac Lake and always enjoy a stroll up Hope Street, which appears to be a dead end street from the bottom of the hill. It takes a sharp curve to the left and continues as a different street. Hope Street is truly delightful on so many levels. In 2008/2009, my best friend was living between Plattsburgh, our hometown, and Saranac Lake. We visited each other in Champlain, where my parents, and in Plattsburgh.
She has returned to Saranac Lake, so this year I spent 5 days with her in the Adirondack region. I had the opportunity to walk up Hope Street. Five years later, my perspective had changed. My hope was in Jesus. Jesus is sturdy, dependable, faithful, victorious. Hope in Jesus is STRONG!
Returning home always causes me to reflect. It is my retreat. San Diego has developed into a home, yet there are ways in which New York will always trump San Diego. Here's a short list: the small town pace, the small town charm, the mountains, the green grass, the trees, the wild animals (deer, fox, turkey, fish, hummingbirds, racoons, ducks, frogs, birds), the starry sky, the corn fields, the cows, seasonal hot dog and ice cream stands, family, friends, lakes, rivers. That's just describing the summer and in no particular order.
Since I've found a church that I can call home in San Diego (not New York), I have a community in San Diego. It is very different from my community in New York. This summer has made me realize just how much I appreciate my community in San Diego. They are my family away from family. They are my family in Christ. Their influence in my life is profound. The opportunities we have tackled together are meaningful and fun. We live life together and we laugh.
I am bi-coastal. God wants me in San Diego, and I want to be in San Diego. While I long for more time home in New York, I'm also itching to return to San Diego. I am blessed with two homes.
My roots are in New York; my branches are in San Diego. Through God, I keep growing.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Dusting off the blog
Despite the recent influx of postings, my blog has been inactive since April (yikes!). This clearly demonstrates the lack of commitment to my blog.
But I have good news. I have a renewed purpose for this blog. Since I've been reading a book about Mother Teresa (http://www.amazon.com/Mother-Teresa-Private-Writings-Calcutta/dp/0385520379), it has inspired me to write in my journal, which I've then typed/slightly modified here in cyberspace.
I began thinking about how frequently thoughts would sparkwhile reading Tim Keller's The Prodigal God. Yet, I continued to read and now those thoughts are gone. I haven't finished the book, so I will likely start over later this month or the next.
I've decided that I will use my blog to type inspiration when it hits while I read. I also *hope* to read a Psalm a few times a week and write about it.
I leave for Haiti July 19, so I'm sure I will have plenty to write about when I return July 25.
But I have good news. I have a renewed purpose for this blog. Since I've been reading a book about Mother Teresa (http://www.amazon.com/Mother-Teresa-Private-Writings-Calcutta/dp/0385520379), it has inspired me to write in my journal, which I've then typed/slightly modified here in cyberspace.
I began thinking about how frequently thoughts would sparkwhile reading Tim Keller's The Prodigal God. Yet, I continued to read and now those thoughts are gone. I haven't finished the book, so I will likely start over later this month or the next.
I've decided that I will use my blog to type inspiration when it hits while I read. I also *hope* to read a Psalm a few times a week and write about it.
I leave for Haiti July 19, so I'm sure I will have plenty to write about when I return July 25.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Returning
So, I decided to go to church with my mom tonight. It has been 7 years (plus or minus) since I had last entered a Catholic church. Even though I had started attending church regularly last year, I did not want to venture back.
Going with her was an impulsive decision. I am beginning to think that many of my decisions are rather impulsive. I am not sure if this is reckless or just a way for me to seize an opportunity by not over-thinking.
Regardless, we arrived late. I laughed as I reminded my mom about how my church (which is Presbyterian, but the joke is that only the Pastor is Presbyterian) starts later than scheduled.
As we entered and scouted a pew to sit in, I was immediately reminded of how much of the ritual I had forgotten. My mom kneeled before entering the pew. Oh yeah...I thought as I dipped my knee toward the floor. Since we were late, everyone else was standing. I also stood, but then I noticed my mom was kneeling to pray. Right...How could I forget about praying before mass started. This time I placed my knees on the padded kneeler (there must be a better word for it) and said a prayer. I asked to appreciate the mass, since most memories are riddled with negativity.
Maybe it was because of the heat, but I swear it was one of the shortest masses I have ever attended. The irony is that I always wanted them to be short growing up. After 1.5 hour services at my church, I was almost disappointed it was so brief. The hymns sung were slow and from an organ. The priest led the singing. They sung my favorite: Aleluia. I do not remember why it is my favorite, but it was my favorite as a youngster.
I forgot about the missalette, so I wasn't able to follow along for the First Reading.
After forgetting this and more, I was surprised that I remembered most of the responses for the Eucharist. While writing in my journal earlier, I could not recall a specific line, but I just remembered it: Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.
Lord, I am not worthy. I often read Psalm 51 to confess my sins and rejoice in your grace. Thank you for your unfailing love and great compassion. Thank you for your grace; thank you for saying the word.
In returning to a Catholic mass, I was able to see it with a new perspective. It did not change, but I had. I was able to appreciate the meaning behind the rituals. I was able to see Jesus there.
Going with her was an impulsive decision. I am beginning to think that many of my decisions are rather impulsive. I am not sure if this is reckless or just a way for me to seize an opportunity by not over-thinking.
Regardless, we arrived late. I laughed as I reminded my mom about how my church (which is Presbyterian, but the joke is that only the Pastor is Presbyterian) starts later than scheduled.
As we entered and scouted a pew to sit in, I was immediately reminded of how much of the ritual I had forgotten. My mom kneeled before entering the pew. Oh yeah...I thought as I dipped my knee toward the floor. Since we were late, everyone else was standing. I also stood, but then I noticed my mom was kneeling to pray. Right...How could I forget about praying before mass started. This time I placed my knees on the padded kneeler (there must be a better word for it) and said a prayer. I asked to appreciate the mass, since most memories are riddled with negativity.
Maybe it was because of the heat, but I swear it was one of the shortest masses I have ever attended. The irony is that I always wanted them to be short growing up. After 1.5 hour services at my church, I was almost disappointed it was so brief. The hymns sung were slow and from an organ. The priest led the singing. They sung my favorite: Aleluia. I do not remember why it is my favorite, but it was my favorite as a youngster.
I forgot about the missalette, so I wasn't able to follow along for the First Reading.
After forgetting this and more, I was surprised that I remembered most of the responses for the Eucharist. While writing in my journal earlier, I could not recall a specific line, but I just remembered it: Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.
Lord, I am not worthy. I often read Psalm 51 to confess my sins and rejoice in your grace. Thank you for your unfailing love and great compassion. Thank you for your grace; thank you for saying the word.
In returning to a Catholic mass, I was able to see it with a new perspective. It did not change, but I had. I was able to appreciate the meaning behind the rituals. I was able to see Jesus there.
Mother Teresa: Self
From Mother Teresa: Come be my light
On page 112, Archbishop Perier wrote the following to Mother Teresa, "Try not to put anything on your own in all this. You are His instrument, nothing more." This was written after she received permission to enter the slums of India, yet while she was waiting to begin.
This advice from Archbishop Perier sparked Mother Teresa to write, "to learn how to get rid of self in myself and live intimately with Him. ... Pray for light that I may see and [for] courage to do away with anything of self in the work. I must disappear completely - if I want God to have the whole" (p. 113).
Lord, help me lose myself. Help me remember my role as your instrument, nothing more. My self and my thoughts need to disappear completely. Please, Lord. Help me fix my eyes upon Jesus, and lose myself in Christ.
On page 112, Archbishop Perier wrote the following to Mother Teresa, "Try not to put anything on your own in all this. You are His instrument, nothing more." This was written after she received permission to enter the slums of India, yet while she was waiting to begin.
This advice from Archbishop Perier sparked Mother Teresa to write, "to learn how to get rid of self in myself and live intimately with Him. ... Pray for light that I may see and [for] courage to do away with anything of self in the work. I must disappear completely - if I want God to have the whole" (p. 113).
Lord, help me lose myself. Help me remember my role as your instrument, nothing more. My self and my thoughts need to disappear completely. Please, Lord. Help me fix my eyes upon Jesus, and lose myself in Christ.
Mother Teresa: Victim
While sitting in Starbucks on Thursday July 8 (during my 3rd visit that day--it was day 3 or 4 of the heatwave in Lake Placid), I wrote the following while reading Mother Teresa: Come be my light edited and with commentary by Brian Kolodiejchuk, M.C.
On page 73, Mother Teresa wrote "Our Lord wants Indian Nuns, victims of his love."
"Victims" seemed to be a peculiar word choice. Upon reflection, I realized that His love is SO powerful that we are rendered powerless. It cannot be overcome. We are victims in this sense. There is no escaping His love. :)
On page 77, Mother Teresa quotes what she heard from God, "How it hurts to see these poor children soiled with sin...they don't know Me - so they don't want me...how I long to enter their holes - their dark unhappy homes. Come be their victim - In your immolation - in your love for Me - they will see Me - know Me - want Me..."
Again, the word "victim" is used. Be the victim of the people of India? Suffer through sacrificing your life - choosing to live as them in poverty and adopting their culture. In serving others we become a victim to the ones we serve? Perhaps 'victim' is an appropriate term so one does not expect anything in return when serving others: serving others for the sake of that person not the sake of the one serving.
Then, the light bulb illuminated, or my iced chai from trip Starbucks#2 jump-started my brain
Jesus was my victim. Through his sacrifice, because of His love for His Father, I came to see God, want God, and know God.
Serving others is a sacrifice. It is for the sole benefit of the one receiving the service. Jesus called Mother Teresa to suffer as he had suffered--to be a victim for others in order to share God's love.
Then I began to ponder how being someone's victim could apply to my trip to Haiti.
Will I be a victim of the Haitian people? What would that look like? I think many of the people in Haiti know you, God. What difference can I make? How can I be their victim? Sleeping in a tent during hurricane season is a sacrifice on my part, but I don't see how that would demonstrate my love for you. It's a sacrifice of a comfort. How can I be a victim of the Haitian people? How can they see you, know you, want you through my love for you? I trust you will answer this question in Haiti.
On page 73, Mother Teresa wrote "Our Lord wants Indian Nuns, victims of his love."
"Victims" seemed to be a peculiar word choice. Upon reflection, I realized that His love is SO powerful that we are rendered powerless. It cannot be overcome. We are victims in this sense. There is no escaping His love. :)
On page 77, Mother Teresa quotes what she heard from God, "How it hurts to see these poor children soiled with sin...they don't know Me - so they don't want me...how I long to enter their holes - their dark unhappy homes. Come be their victim - In your immolation - in your love for Me - they will see Me - know Me - want Me..."
Again, the word "victim" is used. Be the victim of the people of India? Suffer through sacrificing your life - choosing to live as them in poverty and adopting their culture. In serving others we become a victim to the ones we serve? Perhaps 'victim' is an appropriate term so one does not expect anything in return when serving others: serving others for the sake of that person not the sake of the one serving.
Then, the light bulb illuminated, or my iced chai from trip Starbucks#2 jump-started my brain
Jesus was my victim. Through his sacrifice, because of His love for His Father, I came to see God, want God, and know God.
Serving others is a sacrifice. It is for the sole benefit of the one receiving the service. Jesus called Mother Teresa to suffer as he had suffered--to be a victim for others in order to share God's love.
Then I began to ponder how being someone's victim could apply to my trip to Haiti.
Will I be a victim of the Haitian people? What would that look like? I think many of the people in Haiti know you, God. What difference can I make? How can I be their victim? Sleeping in a tent during hurricane season is a sacrifice on my part, but I don't see how that would demonstrate my love for you. It's a sacrifice of a comfort. How can I be a victim of the Haitian people? How can they see you, know you, want you through my love for you? I trust you will answer this question in Haiti.
Mother Teresa: Silence
I am currently reading Mother Teresa: Come be my light (http://www.amazon.com/Mother-Teresa-Private-Writings-Calcutta/dp/0385520379).
It is thought-provoking.
At the start of my vacation, on June 30, I read the following quote from Mother Teresa, "In the silence of the heart God speaks."
I decided that I wanted silence to be the theme of my vacation, so I could potentially hear God speak. Upon reflection of this goal, my performance has been unsatisfactory. I'd like to think I've had a silent moment or two, but I do not feel as if I'm able to fully quiet my brain.
Sure, I'm caught up on writing my daily devotionals, and I have seen Jesus show up big time since my arrival. But silence? Is that like shavasana at the end of a yoga class? I can never fully quiet my mind during that time, either.
My challenge this week is to silent my heart. Wow, I was ignoring "the heart" part of Mother Teresa's quote. Yes, I definitely need help silencing my heart this week!
It is thought-provoking.
At the start of my vacation, on June 30, I read the following quote from Mother Teresa, "In the silence of the heart God speaks."
I decided that I wanted silence to be the theme of my vacation, so I could potentially hear God speak. Upon reflection of this goal, my performance has been unsatisfactory. I'd like to think I've had a silent moment or two, but I do not feel as if I'm able to fully quiet my brain.
Sure, I'm caught up on writing my daily devotionals, and I have seen Jesus show up big time since my arrival. But silence? Is that like shavasana at the end of a yoga class? I can never fully quiet my mind during that time, either.
My challenge this week is to silent my heart. Wow, I was ignoring "the heart" part of Mother Teresa's quote. Yes, I definitely need help silencing my heart this week!
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