Confession of an Elder Brother

I am reading two books; lately, I've been reading The Prodigal God: recovering the heart of the Christian Faith by Timothy Keller. It is a book that gently illuminates different ways to sin against God's authority, while celebrating the gospel of our Savior and merciful God.

The entire book discusses Luke 15: 1-3, 11-32.

Keller describes how the elder brother sins in his righteousness. He expects special treatment from his father, because he has earned such treatment by being obedient. He is upset when his father does not meet these expectations.

During my trip to Haiti, I would talk with the interpreters. It felt like I was frequently explaining that I did not have a boyfriend; the response was typically "I'm so sorry." Perhaps it was an apology for assuming I had a boyfriend, but that was not how I interpreted it at the time. My response was: don't be; it's a good thing.

In processing my single-dom with a friend, I realized how blessed I've been throughout the healing process. The process continues, but I've seen substantial progress since June. Looking back I could see how God had been sustaining me since April.

When reflecting how i felt from April to June (maybe July?), I was angry with God. I was a self-righteous older brother. I knew I was following God's will by becoming single. Since the will of God is good, I felt that I should not feel sad about the break-up. I became angry when I realized that I did feel sad. Even in the moment, I could see hints of God sustaining me. Only now do I have a clearer sense of how much God was doing within my heart.

After multiple moments of disobedience, I thought God owed me for one moment of obedience. How dare I feel like God owes me something.

Psalm 51: 4
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

God owes us nothing, but He loves us too much to abandon us. The irony is that God truly has sustained me in the manner I thought I deserved. In my self-righteousness, I thought God would sustain me because of my obedience; the truth is, God sustains me because He is a loving, merciful, and gracious God who sent His son to pay the penalty of my sins.

I'm writing about this (in more detail than I'd prefer to share), because I think it is far too easy to stray along the self-righteous trail. Feeling as if God owes me is a sin that saddens me; I cannot imagine the pain in God's heart as He watches me waiting expectantly for what I think I deserve.

2 Corinthians 7:10
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.

A beautiful Saturday

Today I am hoping to establish a weekly routine on Saturday.

This morning I went to a cardio hip hop dance class, then I walked to the farmer's market in Little Italy where I bought lunch (a giant avocado and quinoa salad). I took a little detour on my walk back to my car and soaked in the shimmery blue water in the harbor.

The only thing I would need to add is a jog before the cardio hip hop class as I need to seriously start my half marathon training.

I ended the day by going to the beach to help celebrate a friend's birthday.

I am so thankful God is reminding me why He wants me in San Diego, and why I love serving him here!

Two heart-felt words

I was not going to write about this encounter further; I believe I referenced it in a previous post. God has been putting this memory on my mind; he's already made a place for it in my heart.

Here's what I wrote about it:

July 20, 2010
On the plane (still in Miami)

I met a guy from Haiti. We met at the ticket counter. I think we both had to pay for an extra bag. He doesn't have much English; I have less French or Creole. I asked him if he was from Haiti; he said "Yes." I told him I was going for the first time. He responded, "Thank you." I was so humbled. It was powerful. We ended up sitting next to each other at the gate. I used a bit of French, which resulted in a response I couldn't understand.

Today I look at the people I meet as a purposeful introduction from God. I realize all interactions are purposeful and from God. I'm too busy taking everything for granted. Today, since I realized yesterday was not my day to arrive in Haiti, I'm aware of how special each interaction truly is. I'm so grateful to be here! It's a beautiful perspective to have. I'm so grateful, God. Thank you for ALL of my trip so far. Yes, ALL of it. You were preparing my heart for Haiti.

Upon reflecting about the "thank you" I received, I realized that my "bad day" yesterday was still a really good day. A bad day is when an earthquake destroys your nation's capital city. I have NO concept of a bad day.

Is there a bad day with God's love?

Sound the vuvuzela!

God prepared my heart for Haiti in the unlikeliest of places. I became a fan of watching the World Cup in June; it was more difficult to continue the tradition of breakfast and football in New York, but I managed to watch a game or two. The entire world plays soccer, especially boys (and grown men) in Haiti.

Soccer balls were on the packing list sent out by Adventures in Missions. I blew it off. I have learned my lesson. Adam always made sure to have a soccer ball in his "bag of fun" a.k.a. his backpack. The soccer ball was conduit to form a bond between complete strangers. I'm sure we all looked strange to the kids with our varying soccer skills.

After my first morning in Haiti, I realized I was going to need to learn some footwork. I found members of our group frequently engaged in a circle with Haitian boys, either kids we met while walking around, kids we met in tent cities, or the kids who lived next door to where we lived. I wanted to join, but I knew my skill level was a joke.

During our siesta on July 21, I saw Dorly kicking around a small, inflated ball the size of a grapefruit. I asked him for a lesson. I practiced bouncing the ball off of my foot. I could only do it twice in a row, a third time if I got lucky.

The next morning, after Pastor David shared his testimony, Zick became my soccer coach. He taught me some footwork as we kicked the ball back and forth. I received my second lesson that afternoon during our siesta. I learned how to aim the ball (in theory; sometimes I'm able to apply the skill).

I started joining the soccer circles. Most of the boys were kind and brought their skill level down a notch. Usually, I'd be much to proud and demand their best, but not even my pride could blind me of my skill deficiency. I appreciated the mercy (which is a better word than "pity").

In fact, one boy offered to play for me in the middle of the circle during our keep away game when it was my turn to go in the middle. I allowed it the first time, but I insisted on playing the second time. The only way to improve is to play.

I was feeling like a soccer player, a Haitian soccer player to be exact. I told myself early on in the trip that I'd leave Haiti a soccer player.

Saturday morning our group returned to the tent city associated with a Catholic organization. We challenged the boys on the soccer field to a match. The "American" team consisted of Adam, Joel, Jeffrey, Ernst, Dorly, Phanor, Branden, myself, and two other Haitian boys. Ernst, Dorly, and Phanor were our intrepreters. The boys kept saying that we were missing a person. "She's playing." was the response. After a second time (if not more), they finally accepted the fact that I was playing. A group of boys had crowded around me. They kept talking to me and laughing. I finally asked Phanor to intrepret for me. He listened, responded to the boys, and never told me what they said. I think I'd laugh at white girl trying to play soccer in Haiti wearing goofy hiking sandals, too.

Ernst told me that I was going to score a lot of goals; he told me to play in the front line in the center. I thought he was crazy, but I went to my position. My goal was to stay on my two feet. The field by the opposing team's goal had a giant patch of mud (at best). Not only did I meet my goal, but I also passed the ball to a teammate and stole the ball from a member on the Haitian team. BAM! I was excited despite the fact that I mostly just ran around on the field, pretending I knew what I was doing.

After about 30 minutes, we were winning 2-0. Zick had returned from an errand, so he wanted to play. He's a good soccer player, not to mention a very patient coach. He wanted my spot on the team. I did not want to leave the game, but I also knew it would be best to quit while I was ahead. I could not say no to my brother, Zick. The game continued for 2 hours. The Americans lost 6-12.

I can at least say I left the game a winner, and I left Haiti a soccer player. :)


[photo credit: Kansas Corley]

Zick's Testimony: The night after the earthquake

[photo credit: Kansas Corley] This is how I will remember Zick: outgoing, full of life, and ready to embrace anything.

On July 24, he shared a story with us in the morning. He directed us to 2 Kings 2: Elijah Taken Up to Heaven in our Bibles. The verse sounded familiar, because we had listened to it on his ipod on Wednesday.

I did not write everything word for word, because I had not asked his permission to write down his testimony. After dictating such a beautiful description of Haiti, I assumed he would not mind if I wrote down some notes. Later that day, he thanked me for writing down his testimony. I thanked him for the inspiring message. This is what he said based upon my notes:

In Haitian culture: woman gives birth to a child. Bad spirits want to do bad things with children.
[The night of January 12, 2010, after the earthquake] Zick slept on the street with a small group. A child cried out, "I don't want to go with you!" The child's mother asked Zick to pray for the child. He spent 3-4 hours praying. Child kept crying out. Finally, the child said, "He's moving."

Elisha asked for the mantle of God. that's all we need. It was an easy thing to chase away the devil.

Zick went back to bed, but the bad spirit returned to the child.

[from my memory and not my notes: The mother asked Zick to pray for her child again. Zick told her that she could pray for her own child. The mother insisted that Zick pray.]

Zick prayed again. [He asked Jesus to banish the bad spirit permanently.] The child was free. Then, Zick prayed for the family to have faith in God. The family gave their life to God.

Ask for the flame of God to be burning in us. We need God's word. Ask, seek the double portion. It's free. Sacrifice ourselves to have it.

Zick is not only my brother, but he is also your brother in Christ. I know I will be constantly reminding myself to seek the double portion.

A lesson from a child of God

Since I've returned from Haiti, I've been trying to find a way to return. Finding a Haitian church in San Diego brought me closer to the spiritual high I felt in Haiti. Returning to my routine in San Diego after such an intense 5 days in Haiti has been difficult. I've been trying to fully comprehend my experience and the powerful friendships that were formed. Psalm 139: 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

In reading Adam McLane's blog entry this morning "Seeking Euphoria" (www.adammclane.com), I was forced to examine myself in the mirror. I was seeking Haiti; I was seeking the spiritual high I felt there. I realized, however, that I was truly seeking God. I was looking in all the wrong places. Hebrews 12: 2-3 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Then, I remembered Christina Vincent [photo credit: Jeffrey Dick], whom I met during Vacation Bible school (VBS) with neighborhood kids on July 24. That morning, our group leader, Branden, had talked about loving people and analyzing our actions to assess whether or not love is our reason for acting. I kept that in mind all day. During VBS, I was able to love Christina. She held my hand before we arrived at the church; she led me to a bench to sit on before VBS began; we sat together during the lesson and during the craft project. You can see her coloring her star clapper in the picture. She accepted that we could not talk to each other. I had enough French to tell her my name and ask for hers. She sat in my lap and touched my hair and skin. I hugged her and rested my head on hers. The heat had consumed my energy. I had spent my siesta talking with Wilbert and packing; I only dedicated a few minutes to rest. I was so thankful that she understood, that we could just sit next to each other. She accepted my love; we both shared in Jesus' love.

When it was time for my group to leave, I felt a pang of sadness. I watched Christina and it was clear that she had already accepted that I was leaving. She was continuing to move forward. Perhaps, she was continuing to seek God.

Now that I'm back in San Diego, I can rejoice in my memories from Haiti, but I cannot seek to relive them. If God brings me back to Haiti, I will experience God in a new way. Following Christina's example, I will accept wherever God brings me. I will embrace new opportunities, accepting the end of familiarity. I will put all of my faith in God. I experienced a fullness in God while I was in Haiti. I will experience it again when Jesus returns. I will seek God, not Haiti. Idols come in all shapes and sizes...

A slice of Haiti in San Diego

I could not be more impressed by God's beautifully orchestrated plan. It's just so incredible; I'm in awe of God's grace and glory.

From my blog post yesterday, it's clear that I was hurting. I really miss my brother and friends in Haiti. I miss the people we passed by in the streets; I miss the food; I miss feeling the presence of God; I miss the tap-taps and the parade of people and cars. Perhaps, my group that walked around was the parade. I also miss the music and the worship. Haitians know how to worship.

Anyway, Adam had mentioned a Haitian worship service he had heard about in North Park while we were still in Haiti. Intrigued, I googled it online. Sure enough, in my neighborhood, there's a Haitian mission that meets every Sunday at 6:00 p.m. I had to check it out. Adam decided to attend with me.

We weren't sure where to go, nor were we sure if the group was operating on Haitian time or American time. Haitian time would mean they'd start at 7:00 or later. If it were American time, then we were on schedule. We stood outside for 15 minutes or so. We saw some people enter a small chapel. We figured out where it was, but we weren't sure how many people were inside or when it was starting. Once we heard singing, we figured it was go-time. The song ended, and we decided to go in. I led the way and sat in the back. We had already established that there was no way we'd be able to blend in, but I figured if they had already started, then sitting in the back would be appropriate as a late-comer.

It was clear that they were discussing our presence. One woman was speaking in English. Inside, I panicked a little. I thought they were going to speak in English. I had come to listen to French and Creole not English. Fortunately, they selected a woman to interpret for us. Bless Becky's heart, she translated for us for 3 hours!

The evening started with Sunday school. The woman leading is incredible. I'm excited to go next week. I even have homework to do! I don't know the woman's name, but she wants to teach the basics of the Bible. The Bible, she says, is ammunition. It will comfort us and share our joy and be used to teach about Jesus, our Savior. How many of you, she asked, can name all of the books in the Bible? How many books are in the Old Testament? (39, I think she said and 27 in the New Testament). I did not know the answer, and if my memory failed me, then my numbers are wrong. She made up a song for everyone to sing in order to help them remember the first five books in the Bible. The first five books were written by Moses except for the last chapter of Deuteronomy. They started last week. She discussed John 3:16. It's an important verse. We all believe in Jesus for salvation. This week she talked about Genesis. It literally means the beginning and is the beginning for many things: the universe, God's chosen people, sin, and God's promise of redemption. Her teaching style is interactive and rote. She wants everyone to have verses memorized, so we can recite them in a time of need. We need to understand the Bible, because it's God's word. Our homework is to memorize the names of the historical books in the Bible from Joshua to Esther. I also need to play catch-up and memorize the first 5 books. It is by no accident I showed up to this Bible study. Aside from listening to Bible verses in the Catholic church, I first read the Bible in March 2009. I do not know it very well. I look forward to learning. I definitely noticed how well the Haitians knew the Bible. I also think Haitians are intent upon sharing the gospel with others. How can one share the good news if he or she does not fully understand the Bible? Sure it's possible, but, perhaps, less effective.

Then, worship began. I am convinced that every Haitian has a beautiful singing voice. Every Haitian I've met has a sweet singing voice. The guy leading had the most beautiful singing voice I've ever heard. I think I figured out why I enjoy listening to them talk so much. While in Haiti, it did not bother me in the least that I could not understand what people were saying (except for the kids who seemed intent on telling me something). I think it's because of the rhythm. In America, African American English Vernacular is also called "spoken soul." They speak with the beauty of the French language with added soul. I like anything with a good beat. They definitely add rhythm, because I do not find the French spoken by Canadians endearing (despite my love for Canada).

Their worship is so genuine. Their faith is strong. Their eyes are fixed on Jesus. It is a blessing to attend a Haitian worship service. If you ever have the opportunity, GO! I had a moment when I felt filled with God's presence--almost as full as when I was in Haiti. There's something special about the way God fills a room when Haitians are worshiping.

In the middle of the service, they had all new-comers introduce themselves and say a little bit. I shared how I had went to Haiti and needed my fix. After a man preached a message, we had more time to pray and we sang before we finished.

After the service, Adam and I were bombarded with greetings and opportunities to serve God's people. Adam will contact Pastor Bill, and I will be speaking on a radio program tomorrow evening to encourage people to go to Haiti. I will share my testimony. I will be rereading my blog posts as well as my journal. If there's anything that had an impact on you, please let me know which story so I can share it. I'm relying on the Holy Spirit to talk for me while I do my best to prepare/gather my thoughts.

Two highlights: one woman kept saying she loved us, because she appreciates anyone who helps Haiti; the same woman plus Becky offered to cook for us! Haitian food!!! I'm beyond excited. Perhaps, I'll ask them to teach me how to cook Haitian food. If I cook with them once a week or so for a few months, I should be able to make something almost as well as them. I guess I didn't need to buy a Haitian cookbook after all...

Praise to God for connecting people and bridging cultures and loving our neighbors. The Holy Spirit is powerful and, apparently, moves quickly!