Confession of an Elder Brother

I am reading two books; lately, I've been reading The Prodigal God: recovering the heart of the Christian Faith by Timothy Keller. It is a book that gently illuminates different ways to sin against God's authority, while celebrating the gospel of our Savior and merciful God.

The entire book discusses Luke 15: 1-3, 11-32.

Keller describes how the elder brother sins in his righteousness. He expects special treatment from his father, because he has earned such treatment by being obedient. He is upset when his father does not meet these expectations.

During my trip to Haiti, I would talk with the interpreters. It felt like I was frequently explaining that I did not have a boyfriend; the response was typically "I'm so sorry." Perhaps it was an apology for assuming I had a boyfriend, but that was not how I interpreted it at the time. My response was: don't be; it's a good thing.

In processing my single-dom with a friend, I realized how blessed I've been throughout the healing process. The process continues, but I've seen substantial progress since June. Looking back I could see how God had been sustaining me since April.

When reflecting how i felt from April to June (maybe July?), I was angry with God. I was a self-righteous older brother. I knew I was following God's will by becoming single. Since the will of God is good, I felt that I should not feel sad about the break-up. I became angry when I realized that I did feel sad. Even in the moment, I could see hints of God sustaining me. Only now do I have a clearer sense of how much God was doing within my heart.

After multiple moments of disobedience, I thought God owed me for one moment of obedience. How dare I feel like God owes me something.

Psalm 51: 4
Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge.

God owes us nothing, but He loves us too much to abandon us. The irony is that God truly has sustained me in the manner I thought I deserved. In my self-righteousness, I thought God would sustain me because of my obedience; the truth is, God sustains me because He is a loving, merciful, and gracious God who sent His son to pay the penalty of my sins.

I'm writing about this (in more detail than I'd prefer to share), because I think it is far too easy to stray along the self-righteous trail. Feeling as if God owes me is a sin that saddens me; I cannot imagine the pain in God's heart as He watches me waiting expectantly for what I think I deserve.

2 Corinthians 7:10
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.