If you really knew me...

I started counseling through my church in November. My counselor had me take one of the original versions of the Myers Briggs Personality Test. I filled out a scantron sheet. I am used to administering standardized tests, but it has been about 3 years since I was a participant.

I have already shared my results: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving. One percent of the population shares the same combination. 75% of the population is extroverted (25% introverted), 75% of the population is Sensing (25% intuitive), thinking versus feeling and judging versus perceiving is split 50/50.

Last December, my counselor described a student who was an INFP in a class full of students with different personalities. She alluded to the loneliness that the student must have felt. I responded by expressing my desire to figure out which of my students are potential kindred INFPs. My counselor looked at me sternly but not angrily and said, "I was talking about you." I do struggle with loneliness. I think that adds to the difficulties of returning from Haiti. On top of everything I experienced, I went from being surrounded by over 15 wonderful people to living life by myself (with a supportive, loving community). I'm lonely in addition to all of my other struggles.

So, if you really knew me, then you'll realize the following description of INFP from Myers Briggs is eerily accurate.

People with INFP preferences have a great deal of warmth, but may not show it until they know a person well. They keep their warm side inside, like a fur-lined coat. They are very faithful to duties and obligations related to ideas or people they care about. They take a very personal approach to life, judging everything by their inner ideals and personal values.

They stick to their ideals with passionate conviction. Although their inner loyalties and ideals govern their lives, they find these hard to talk about. Their deepest feelings are seldom expressed; their inner tenderness is masked by a quiet reserve.

In everyday matters they are tolerant, open-minded, understanding, flexible, and adaptable. But if their inner loyalties are threatened, they will not given an inch. Except for their work's sake, INFPs have little wish to impress or dominate. The people they prize the most are those who take the time to understand their values and the goals they are working toward.

Their main interest lies in seeing the possibilities beyond what is present, obvious, or known. They are twice as good when working at a job they believe in, since their feeling puts added energy behind their efforts. They want their work to contribute to something that matters to them--human understanding, happiness, or health. They want to have a purpose beyond their paycheck, no matter how big the check. They are perfectionists whenever they care deeply about something.

INFPs are curious about new ideas and tend to have insight and long-range vision. Many are interested in books and language and are likely to have a gift of expression; with talent they may be excellent writers. They can be ingenious and persuasive on the subject of their enthusiasms, which are quiet but deep-rooted. They are often attracted to counseling, teaching, literature, art, science, or psychology. The problem for some INFPs is that they may feel such a contrast between their ideals and their actual accomplishments that they burden themselves with a sense of inadequacy. This can happen even when, objectively, they are being as effective as others. It is important for them to use their intuition to fid ways to express their ideals; otherwise they will keep dreaming of the impossible and accomplish very little. If they find no channel for expressing their ideals, INFPs may become overly sensitive and vulnerable, with dwindling confidence in life and in themselves.

Additionally, Myers Briggs lists 12 adjectives to describe my personality combination: compassionate, gentle, virtuous, adaptable, committed, curious, creative, loyal, devoted, deep, reticent, empathetic. Famous people who were also Intuitive and Feeling include Joan of Arc, Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., and William Shakespeare. It's no wonder I have always admired Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr. It's no wonder I want to change the world. Knowing my personality type helps bring awareness to how I am susceptible to sin and where I need God. My problem is, I have this stupid inner standard of being self-sufficient despite knowing I cannot accomplish such a goal. Hence why I share my brokenness--I need to remind myself that I'm a broken mess. I need to remind myself that I need a Savior. I still try to save myself, and I always feel worse after.

After my dad read the list of 12 adjectives this past year, he described my personality type as "religious." While I do not approve of that word, I do rely on my personal relationship with Jesus. Growing up Catholic, I was told one could only talk to God through a priest. As a child (who not only trusted authority but is also really gullible--I would say "was" gullible, but the people on the FUMC team recently witnessed by gullibility), I never believed that message. I knew I could communicate with God without a priest. At the time, I did not know it was because of Jesus' sacrifice. Recently, I have noticed that I am much more cheerful on mornings I start by reading a chapter in the Bible and writing about it. I just need to figure out how to work in an afternoon devotional, because I'm more likely to take my burden back from Jesus later in the day.

If you really knew me, then you'd know it would be a struggle to express all of this out loud.

Thankful for my community

A dear friend told me today that it's not up to me to fix the situation in Haiti. It's not up to me to change the world. The facts support this statement. The Bible makes it clear that Jesus came to save the world. Even if you do not believe in Jesus, the circumstances of the world indicate that one person cannot save the world. It was beyond encouraging to hear her compliment my work as a speech language pathologist.

This past week at work, I have seen a change in how I relate to my students. It is not a major change; it is a subtle shift. I feel like I am more encouraging, more sensitive to their feelings, and more willing to be silly and have fun. I told one student that he can do anything he wants, because he is so smart. I showed a group of first grade boys functional MRI scans of my brain, telling them that they too can have a brain as big as mine. To transition back to work, I told them it was time to build their brain muscle. A parent told me that it's clear I love my job. Her son came to me a year ago. This third grade student defined himself as a stutterer. He was visibly tense as we talked, because he was afraid he would stutter. Today, he was relaxed and reported that he doesn't even think about talking anymore. One student beamed when I recalled him sharing his favorite food was pozole two years ago. Perhaps his smile was so big, because he was thinking about eating pozole. Either way, I will do anything I can to support my students. I want to see them succeed. I wonder what they will do in the future. I wonder if they'll remember their speech teacher. What, if anything, will they remember me saying? Will any of them forget when my shoe went flying across the room, because I was showing them why kicking their leg as high as they could was a poor idea. I pray to God to use me to serve their needs, because only God knows what my students need to hear.

Yet my heart is still broken. I do not know why I keep carrying the burden of fixing the world. Part of me is thankful that I am broken. Thankful that, perhaps, I have been changed by my second trip to Haiti. Perhaps I will not return to life as usual and forget my experience. Yet, my entire trip feels like a dream. It does not feel real. I really saw my brother for a second time? I was really back at Pastor David's house last week? Last Friday, Dorly walked 7 of us to church. I had so much fun worshiping God in a different cultural style. The musicality of Creole adds to the richness of the song. Haitians do not worship standing still. They dance, and I love it!

But I cannot be thankful for how I am reacting to my brokenness. I am stifled by my inward values and standards. Standards that are unrealistic. I am seeking to figure out what I can reasonably expect of myself and what I need to ask God to do. Because if I continue to support Haiti, I want to live consistently and authentically. To me that means also serving my immediate community. This means I want to be more active through Adams Avenue Crossing, and I want to regularly attend the Haitian church service in San Diego. I also want to become involved with a co-worker who is helping an orphanage in Tijuana. Can I sustain all of these goals? No, but God can sustain me and these endeavors if it is His will.

I thought I could wait until January 11 for my next counseling session. I probably should have asked for an appointment yesterday. Oh well. Prayer for discipline to write tomorrow would be much appreciated.

My heart is broken for my Haitian brothers and sisters. I am broken. While I hate sharing my brokenness, I really think that is what God wants me to do. I am free in Jesus Christ; this means I am free to share my brokenness. There's nothing wrong with being broken. I shared my brokenness in Haiti and the world did not end. I can share it here.

Spontaneous language

Before vacation in December, I went to a first grade classroom to get two students for group. I greeted him as I greet all of my students, "how are you?" He responded, "I have a wedgie." The second student felt the need to clarify that he did not have a wedgie.

I still laugh thinking about it. This is the goal of my job-spontaneous language. Pragmatics is the second goal...

Hope for the hopeless

[photo credit: Steve Hammond]

On page 29 of The Allure of Hope, Jan Meyers wrote, "The wild reality of God, though, is that this is where hope begins. Hope begins when the memory of what was becomes a longing for what is to be restored."

Realizing that hope begins when hope feels lost made me realize that despite my hopelessness, despite my limitations, I can be hopeful through Jesus Christ.

God will rectify all of the injustices. God will love and comfort my brothers and sisters in Haiti. God will use me to bring glory to his kingdom. God is using me in ways I do not understand. God uses me to serve my students at work. God pursues my heart despite my fig leaves to hide my nakedness.

The great news is that God will bring justice and prosperity to the people in Haiti. God will provide for all who suffer throughout the world, not just Haiti.

It's not up to me to save the world. God already knows what that will look like.

My brother taught me part of a song in French:

Je tu donne ma vie (I give you my life)

Je tu donne mon coeur (I give you my heart)

Je tout donne tout ce que j`ai (I give you all that I have)

Ce que je suis est a toi (what I am is yours)

Je tu donne ma vie

Je tu donne mon coeur

Je tout donne tout ce que j`ai

Je t`appartiens (I belong to you)

I sang it while riding the bus from Carrefour to the airport in Port-au-Prince. I sang it as a lullaby. I sang it while sitting on the airplane in Denver, and I started to cry.

I feel like I will fail my brother and that thought terrifies me. The truth is, I'm human. I will fail my brother. God never fails. Jesus died to forgive my failures. God planned around my failures. God loves me despite my failures. God knows me perfectly, yet loves me anyway.

My hope is in God. His Kingdom will reign forever.

An orphan's tears

God answers prayer. I need to remember that as I struggle with returning to my life in America.

Before I went to Haiti, I read Revelation 21: 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

When I first read it, I asked God: who will wipe the tears of joy from your eyes? I dared to ask that I could wipe the tears from His eyes.

For some reason, every time I asked someone their name in Haiti, I had the hardest time understanding them. The sound combinations of French and/or Creole were just too much for my brain, acclimated to English sounds. So, I cannot tell you the name of the girl you see in the picture sitting on my lap. She was glued to me both times my team and I visited the orphanage, but I do not know her name.

On December 31, we went to the orphanage for our last time. The girl in the picture only left me to get a plate of rice. I saw her tears before she went to get rice. I thought of wiping one from her eye, as I would from God's eye. My first attempt failed. The tear was so close to her eyelid that I feared poking her eye was more likely than wiping her tear. I think this girl always had tears in her eyes. After she dropped her plate of rice, there were fresh tears. After she made her way back to my lap, I wiped a tear from her eye.

My description fails to capture the awe I experienced to wipe a tear from her eye. God answered my prayer to wipe a tear from His eye. God answered my prayer to connect with Him. God heard my prayer and responded.

While I agonize over the injustice in Haiti, in the USA, in the entire world, while I agonize over my inability to fix it all, I will trust God to hear my prayers. I will trust God, because He is faithful, and, if my heart is broken over injustice, I cannot begin to fathom how much more broken God feels.

Matthew 5:6 (New Living Translation)

God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice, for they will be satisfied.

God, everyone who experienced and witnessed injustices in this world will be satisfied. Come, Lord Jesus!

Happy in Haiti

It may be difficult to see in the picture, but there is a purple hippo on my air mattress. This picture was taken from my trip in July.

The hippo's name is Happy. I bought him 10 years ago in Washington, D.C. I was in D.C. for a youth law and advocacy conference. My nickname in high school was Happy. When I saw the hippo had the same name as I did, it was clear that I had to buy it.

In April, when I broke up with my boyfriend, I decided that Happy would be my tangible representation of God's love. I brought Happy with me to Haiti in July and I brought him with me in December.

During my time in Haiti, I read Philippians. The Holy Spirit stirred my heart. I was "in the zone" spiritually, some moments stronger than others. Our last night, we made a pile of our stuff to donate to Carl's (one of our interpreter's) tent community. Dubs and I put all of the donations in two oversized plastic trash bags.

Our last night in Haiti was the quietest, and it was the only night I did not sleep well. As I laid there, restless, I decided that I could give more of my stuff. I decided that Happy could bring a smile to a child's face. I pray to God that Happy is a physical and tangible reminder of God's love for whoever receives my 10 year old hippo.

Happy is only in Haiti, but God is everywhere.

An aching heart

This photo describes how I feel right now. Beautiful, artistic, determined yet crumbled. I feel broken. I feel hopeless. This morning I asked Jesus to carry my burden of hopelessness. He did but at some point during the day, I took it back from him. Instead of asking him to take it back, I continued to carry it.

I feel so many things. I feel alone. Not only do I miss my friends and my brother in Haiti, I miss the team from Albany (New York and Georgia). I feel like my experience in Haiti existed in a vacuum. Now that I'm back to the grind, I feel confused, lost, and wondering what is next.

It is a constant battle to remind myself that God is taking care of this. As strange as it may sound, I'm pleased God is challenging the way I live. I welcome how he is working on my heart.

I'm so blessed to know my personality type: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perception (INFP). According to the Myers Briggs description, people with my combination "are perfectionists whenever they care deeply about something." I will state the obvious and say I care deeply about Haiti. I feel stunted, however, knowing that I cannot do what needs to be done. I know I will fall short of my own standards. Tonight, I let that burden crush me. I'm scared, because I have to wait let God do it. I have to let God accomplish it when the time is appropriate not necessarily as soon as I want it to happen. As frustrated as I may feel, I know God will accomplish beyond what I hope for Haiti. It is absolutely fantastic that God will care for everyone in Haiti. God knows his people perfectly; he will show them the desires of their heart. He will provide perfectly for them. I rejoice knowing that God will care for his people.

I have learned the importance of prayer with my personality type. I feel like I can pick up on certain things that people need, whether stated or not. I can use that to pray for people. The problem is, I want to DO something. So, I continuously preach the gospel to myself. I just keep wondering what it is that I can do. Writing takes time. Everything takes time. Why isn't there a switch to make everything fair and just in the world? Why can't Jesus return now? That's what I'm really yearning to see happen.

This morning on my way to work I was pondering writing a letter to Oprah. If I could convince her to support Haiti...Or maybe I will write something and ask her to publish it. I used to want to write a book that would be selected as part of her book club. I do not dream small. Yet it is no accident that I am an INFP. I just need a little help organizing myself and implementing my multitude of ideas.

It also slightly bothers me to be churning these ideas without a resolution. As an introvert, I like to understand the world before experiencing it. I like to know what's up; right now, I don't know what's up or what's down. I am so excited that the FUMC team raised nearly enough money to fund at least a year of rent for our interpreter who lives in a tent community to rent a house large enough to use a room to teach. But then my sinful side encroaches and I ask myself, what am I doing to contribute? What is my project? Of course, I already have a list of things to do, but the list is focused on fact-gathering. I grasp possibilities instead of relying on facts, so my to-do list overwhelms me. And then there's my standard of perfection that makes me reluctant to even start the task. I trust God to show up and help me accomplish the list. I know God will help me. I'm not even going to worry about it anymore. I will look into it on Saturday. I need to be well-rested in order to have enough energy to put into the work required for my to-do list.

Since landing in San Diego on January 3 12:40 a.m., today was the first day I actually felt rested. Only to be worn out my day at work but in a good way. I use yoga to teach students how to follow directions and model language to describe where their feet and hands are in relation to each pose we do. I use toys to encourage students to talk. I use a soccer ball to teach turn-taking and to encourage spontaneous conversation. My students and I ask each other questions. I shared with quite a few groups that I went to Haiti over vacation. We looked at Haiti on the map; I will bring in pictures. I work with 2 students who need help with social skills. The fifth grade student corrects my grammar. I love it. Those 2 students, however, need help with bullying. It drains me, because I lack the organized response they need. Today I emphasized how they need to come tell me as these things occur, so we can use our time together developing a plan. I will consult with the school counselor and discuss what is going on with their teachers, but my heart breaks for them.

I taught my students the games we played in Haiti with the students. One student knew the "I said a boom-chick-a-boom" game.

God will reveal his plan for me. Meanwhile, I will continue to serve Him through my life here in San Diego and through writing.

This mess of thoughts is at least a step forward in understanding my world.