An aching heart

This photo describes how I feel right now. Beautiful, artistic, determined yet crumbled. I feel broken. I feel hopeless. This morning I asked Jesus to carry my burden of hopelessness. He did but at some point during the day, I took it back from him. Instead of asking him to take it back, I continued to carry it.

I feel so many things. I feel alone. Not only do I miss my friends and my brother in Haiti, I miss the team from Albany (New York and Georgia). I feel like my experience in Haiti existed in a vacuum. Now that I'm back to the grind, I feel confused, lost, and wondering what is next.

It is a constant battle to remind myself that God is taking care of this. As strange as it may sound, I'm pleased God is challenging the way I live. I welcome how he is working on my heart.

I'm so blessed to know my personality type: Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perception (INFP). According to the Myers Briggs description, people with my combination "are perfectionists whenever they care deeply about something." I will state the obvious and say I care deeply about Haiti. I feel stunted, however, knowing that I cannot do what needs to be done. I know I will fall short of my own standards. Tonight, I let that burden crush me. I'm scared, because I have to wait let God do it. I have to let God accomplish it when the time is appropriate not necessarily as soon as I want it to happen. As frustrated as I may feel, I know God will accomplish beyond what I hope for Haiti. It is absolutely fantastic that God will care for everyone in Haiti. God knows his people perfectly; he will show them the desires of their heart. He will provide perfectly for them. I rejoice knowing that God will care for his people.

I have learned the importance of prayer with my personality type. I feel like I can pick up on certain things that people need, whether stated or not. I can use that to pray for people. The problem is, I want to DO something. So, I continuously preach the gospel to myself. I just keep wondering what it is that I can do. Writing takes time. Everything takes time. Why isn't there a switch to make everything fair and just in the world? Why can't Jesus return now? That's what I'm really yearning to see happen.

This morning on my way to work I was pondering writing a letter to Oprah. If I could convince her to support Haiti...Or maybe I will write something and ask her to publish it. I used to want to write a book that would be selected as part of her book club. I do not dream small. Yet it is no accident that I am an INFP. I just need a little help organizing myself and implementing my multitude of ideas.

It also slightly bothers me to be churning these ideas without a resolution. As an introvert, I like to understand the world before experiencing it. I like to know what's up; right now, I don't know what's up or what's down. I am so excited that the FUMC team raised nearly enough money to fund at least a year of rent for our interpreter who lives in a tent community to rent a house large enough to use a room to teach. But then my sinful side encroaches and I ask myself, what am I doing to contribute? What is my project? Of course, I already have a list of things to do, but the list is focused on fact-gathering. I grasp possibilities instead of relying on facts, so my to-do list overwhelms me. And then there's my standard of perfection that makes me reluctant to even start the task. I trust God to show up and help me accomplish the list. I know God will help me. I'm not even going to worry about it anymore. I will look into it on Saturday. I need to be well-rested in order to have enough energy to put into the work required for my to-do list.

Since landing in San Diego on January 3 12:40 a.m., today was the first day I actually felt rested. Only to be worn out my day at work but in a good way. I use yoga to teach students how to follow directions and model language to describe where their feet and hands are in relation to each pose we do. I use toys to encourage students to talk. I use a soccer ball to teach turn-taking and to encourage spontaneous conversation. My students and I ask each other questions. I shared with quite a few groups that I went to Haiti over vacation. We looked at Haiti on the map; I will bring in pictures. I work with 2 students who need help with social skills. The fifth grade student corrects my grammar. I love it. Those 2 students, however, need help with bullying. It drains me, because I lack the organized response they need. Today I emphasized how they need to come tell me as these things occur, so we can use our time together developing a plan. I will consult with the school counselor and discuss what is going on with their teachers, but my heart breaks for them.

I taught my students the games we played in Haiti with the students. One student knew the "I said a boom-chick-a-boom" game.

God will reveal his plan for me. Meanwhile, I will continue to serve Him through my life here in San Diego and through writing.

This mess of thoughts is at least a step forward in understanding my world.