This past week at work, I have seen a change in how I relate to my students. It is not a major change; it is a subtle shift. I feel like I am more encouraging, more sensitive to their feelings, and more willing to be silly and have fun. I told one student that he can do anything he wants, because he is so smart. I showed a group of first grade boys functional MRI scans of my brain, telling them that they too can have a brain as big as mine. To transition back to work, I told them it was time to build their brain muscle. A parent told me that it's clear I love my job. Her son came to me a year ago. This third grade student defined himself as a stutterer. He was visibly tense as we talked, because he was afraid he would stutter. Today, he was relaxed and reported that he doesn't even think about talking anymore. One student beamed when I recalled him sharing his favorite food was pozole two years ago. Perhaps his smile was so big, because he was thinking about eating pozole. Either way, I will do anything I can to support my students. I want to see them succeed. I wonder what they will do in the future. I wonder if they'll remember their speech teacher. What, if anything, will they remember me saying? Will any of them forget when my shoe went flying across the room, because I was showing them why kicking their leg as high as they could was a poor idea. I pray to God to use me to serve their needs, because only God knows what my students need to hear.
Yet my heart is still broken. I do not know why I keep carrying the burden of fixing the world. Part of me is thankful that I am broken. Thankful that, perhaps, I have been changed by my second trip to Haiti. Perhaps I will not return to life as usual and forget my experience. Yet, my entire trip feels like a dream. It does not feel real. I really saw my brother for a second time? I was really back at Pastor David's house last week? Last Friday, Dorly walked 7 of us to church. I had so much fun worshiping God in a different cultural style. The musicality of Creole adds to the richness of the song. Haitians do not worship standing still. They dance, and I love it!
But I cannot be thankful for how I am reacting to my brokenness. I am stifled by my inward values and standards. Standards that are unrealistic. I am seeking to figure out what I can reasonably expect of myself and what I need to ask God to do. Because if I continue to support Haiti, I want to live consistently and authentically. To me that means also serving my immediate community. This means I want to be more active through Adams Avenue Crossing, and I want to regularly attend the Haitian church service in San Diego. I also want to become involved with a co-worker who is helping an orphanage in Tijuana. Can I sustain all of these goals? No, but God can sustain me and these endeavors if it is His will.
I thought I could wait until January 11 for my next counseling session. I probably should have asked for an appointment yesterday. Oh well. Prayer for discipline to write tomorrow would be much appreciated.
My heart is broken for my Haitian brothers and sisters. I am broken. While I hate sharing my brokenness, I really think that is what God wants me to do. I am free in Jesus Christ; this means I am free to share my brokenness. There's nothing wrong with being broken. I shared my brokenness in Haiti and the world did not end. I can share it here.
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