A lionhearted herd animal

I recently posted this quote on Facebook: "Fainthearted animals move about in herds. The lion walks alone in the desert. Let the poet always walk thus." - Alfred Victor Vigny, 1797 - 1863

I struggle with feeling lonely and misunderstood. When I read the quote above, I immediately perked up. I also fancy myself a poet, and I just know that there's some body of work within me that I am meant to write. I've believed that for a long time. Before I believed in Jesus, I was too afraid to venture into my raw identity. What would I find? Since starting counseling through my church, I am walking with God straight into the depths of my being.

All that background to simply state that I identified with this quote, because I felt validated for feeling alone. I am a writer, then of course I am alone in the desert.

Later, I was writing in my journal. I remembered the quote, and then realized how it's actually contrary to my beliefs as a Christian.

I am NOT alone. No matter how many times I feel lonely, I am NOT alone. Not only does God dwell within me: John 16: 32 "Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me," but I am also a member of the body of Christ (Romans 12: 4-6, 1 Corinthians 12: 26-28).

An animal that lives in a herd does not mean it is weak or fainthearted. In fact, it demonstrates a great deal of strength. Living with others is much more difficult than living alone.

I think there's a temptation to feel like we should be an independent lion strutting through the desert, but in reality, we all want a friend with whom to walk.

Lion or not, you're not alone.

Labor Day

"Without work all life goes rotten."
     - Albert Camus, 1913 - 1960


Yes, all work and no play makes anyone dull; however, there is value and satisfaction in working. Sure, there's your job, but I'm talking about the little chores of life that no one wants to do, but there's always an undeniable feeling of satisfied accomplishment after.


Let me explain how this quote by Albert Camus played out in my life.


On Saturday, I was tired and feeling sad. I went to the gym in the morning and finished a book I had started on Friday. After that, however, I pretty much wasted my day watching television shows on hulu.com. This did not help my melancholic feelings. I felt rotten. I dwelled in my sorrow instead of fighting my way out of it. I had a to-do list of chores I wanted to accomplish, but I was too tired and felt too overwhelmed by the list. So, I lament Saturday as a waste. I ended the day by writing in my journal and posting it on this blog. A total loss? No, but it also wasn't the day I had intended.


Sunday, however, was much better. I went to church and appreciated how God communicated with me during the service. Since I had watched everything on hulu the day before, I had free time to actually whittle away at my to-do list. I cleaned and organized and tended to my garden. I went to a coffee shop to journal and met a friend to walk. I couldn't believe how quickly my afternoon disappeared. 


I felt happier and satisfied after finishing some of my chores. But there are times when I am just too tired to tackle my to-do list. Watching hulu, however, is not the best solution. I'll be working (ha, working) on finding a more restful activity.


Today, I have a few things left on my to-do list, including washing my car. I really don't want to do it, especially because it makes me sad to think that my car-washing friend moved in June. We'll see how today goes, though. A delicate balance of work and play and rest.

Identity in crisis: the cost of following Jesus

I have spent my entire life wishing I were different. Individualism in a society that really wants everyone to fall in line. Specific traits are valued; some of which I have to work at to exhibit.

I think through writing instead of talking aloud. I am not walled in by facts, but I admit I probably depend too much on my intuition. I care how my decisions will affect others. I want everyone to be happy. I'm idealistic. I'm frequently late, because I misjudge how much time it will take. Plus, I want to be exactly on time, so I won't leave if I'll be too early. I thrive on adapting to changes in a plan. I like having a variety of options. Sometimes I get sucked into making the "right" choice (idealistic, remember?) that the options weigh me down, paralyzing me into doing nothing but wasting the day.

I'm painfully shy and reserved; I think I am consequently viewed as being rude and unapproachable.

I've worked twice as hard to prove I am smart, because my brain isn't good at holding facts, unless they're ones I use regularly.

I always felt I needed to be more outgoing and more objective.

My counselor tells me I'm the color in a black and white world. It's like she knows the journey I'm on while I feel completely clueless and helpless.

So, how did I get here: sitting on my couch, a puddle of emotions and confusion? Finally, I am admitting to myself and to my God that I do not like who I am. If only I valued facts more, because then I'd know I am wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139). Instead, I feel sad, lonely, and poorly made. Damaged. Chipped chinaware. Dulled silverware. Yet, I know I'm anything but dull.

Welcome to my mind. It's full of traps like minesweeper. I was never good at playing that game.

Five years ago, I moved to San Diego under the guise of graduate school. The real reason? God was (and still is) pursuing me. He led me into the desert (Hosea 2: 14). After three years, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. I used to think my story was why I decided to accept Jesus into my life. Tonight, I realize my story is what Jesus has been doing since then.

Before Jesus, I was dating a young man. Neither of us believed in God. While we were dating, I accepted Christ. It ultimately divided us. We lived two separate lives with little overlap. Two Corinthians 6: 14 changed my life. My boyfriend was not pursuing me. His heart had already moved on. I want to be pursued.

Being single (it's going on 19 months) has exposed my wound of loneliness. You wouldn't believe how I try to cover it up.

After breaking up with the previously mentioned boyfriend, I thought God would reward my obedience with a handsome, Christian man. One day. Currently, God is pursuing me. He is jealous for me. I have so many idols I turn to before God.

After five months of being single, I considered counseling. In November 2010, after nearly seven months of being single, I had my first counseling session: pastoral counseling, which is led by the Holy Spirit. As an intuitive person, I am sensitive to the Holy Spirit, and I absolutely adore it. Yet, even I was skeptical. It didn't take long for me to realize that not only was it legitimate but that God is with  us during every session.

Currently, I feel like I need Jesus and another person to mediate God's presence in my life. I don't know how to go to Him. I still don't fully believe He'll be there. I'm terrified that I really am as alone as I feel. If I don't go to God, then I won't be disappointed if He doesn't show up. I'm still full of pain, but I can avoid facing my deepest fear. Yet, I'm still lonely.

Through counseling, God has shown me that He intentionally created me. I am no accident. My parents, experiences, ethnicity, body type, and personality are all on purpose. I do not know why. As much as I want to like myself, I don't. I think I'm crazy. I'm whimsical and melancholic. I appear flaky; I often feel like the absent-minded professor. The problem is, I have so many ideas about how to organize my materials at work that I become paralyzed. (Let me note that there are aspects I do like about myself at times. In general, I'm rather displeased.)

I don't need a plan. I don't worry about details. I see the big picture, and I hate wearing watches.

Before I believed in Jesus, I was a garden with a lot of weeds. Think of an abandoned, overgrown lot. Thick vines, tall grass: that was me.

God has been pruning and burning the weeds. My loneliness feels like a charred forest. God wants me to take His hand. Some days, I do; I see buds sprouting. Other days, I'm weeping in the ashes--grieving whom I am or whom I was.

God is cultivating my sense of being. The seeds are still in the ground. I feel barren.

The apostle Paul talked about how our old self dies (Romans 6: 6 and Ephesians 4: 22). I didn't realize it would be sad. I also didn't realize that there are parts of my self that are permanent.

God created me to do specific things (Ephesians 2: 10). It would be easier to know what those deeds were, so I'd have purpose. Maybe I'd understand why I'm so different. God, however, wants me to trust Him, because He is good.

I feel like no one understands me. I don't know why I think people should. Maybe I bear the image of God's mystery (wishful thinking, I know). God knows me perfectly (Psalm 139); no one else will ever come close to knowing me so well. I still don't know myself. Shouldn't I have gone through this as a teenager? I don't do anything as I should, and I am always late.

Even though this process is so difficult and so painful, I know it's the only way to draw closer to God. It's the only way to break the chains of seeking empty idols. So many times I seek the short-term fulfillment of idols. So often I ask God, "why me?" I wish I could walk away, back to my old self, but my old self was in worse shape then I am now. I wish I could blend in or be invisible, as I used to be.

I have a desire to be known and a desire to be a writer. I can only hide for so long before my feelings build in intensity, spilling over and crumbling the dam I built to hold it all together.

Inevitably, I will have a deer in headlights moment--why did I post this? Why will I? Why share this with strangers? Do I really need to add more snide remarks? Aren't mine enough? Yet, I don't care, because I want to get this out. Do I feel better? No, not really. Slightly peaceful. Repentance is confession and then trusting Jesus to pull the weeds and water the seeds of truth.

Jesus, forgive me for I have sinned. I go to you as my last resort. I long to seek you first, but I need your help. I surrender to you. Heal me. Restore me. Sculpt me into a person who follows you.

Social Experiment: Update!

Oh yes, there is an update.

Here's what I'm referencing: http://smileyface5.blogspot.com/2010/10/social-experiment.html

If you're like me, then you're too lazy to click on the link and read my previous post. Summary: In October 2010 ,I went out with some friends to the same spot 2 nights in a row. Saw the same guy twice. I had given him my number the first night, but I never heard from him. Shocking.

Fast forward to June 2011. While home, I received a random voicemail from some guy named Kevin looking to talk to an Erin whom he met in Las Vegas. While I had just recently went to Las Vegas, I had not met a Kevin. There was no "Hangover" plot during my first trip to Vegas. Well, you'll just have to trust me, since what happens in Vegas stays there.

I ignored it, because I didn't get it until several hours after he left the message. I figured he had figured out that he had dialed the wrong number.

Lets fast forward a tiny bit more to last week. I receive a text message from a phone # that is not in my address book. I ask who it is; he tells me his name is Kevin. I tell him that I do not know him. He was looking for an Erin Reese. He's trying to figure out how he knows me. I'm certain I don't know him and assume he must have entered a phone number wrong of the person he had met. So he finally says, well maybe we met at a bar. October 2010 flashed in my mind. Oh...yes, we met at Blue foot. He pretends he remembers me but gets all the details wrong.

I haven't learned my lesson either. I gave out my phone number last night. I was very surprised to receive a text message from the guy today. Just before church, of course. God has impeccable timing. I think dating is a social experiment I will never fully understand. It's a good thing I don't mind trial and error...

Loneliness in the digital age

I am an only child. I live alone. I'm introverted. I am single.

It should not be surprising that I have moments in which I feel lonely.

It's a feeling a loathe. I try to avoid it, a twisted hide and seek dodgeball kind of game. Despite my Herculean efforts, the loneliness persists.

Smart phones are not smart. Keep in mind, I am biased because I have yet to jump on the smart phone bandwagon. Also, let me be clear, I am not judging those of you with smart phones. They are quite convenient, especially the map/GPS function. I have definitely benefited from that function. I am merely commenting on this new cultural phenomenon.

As I was saying, smart phones seem to be more codependent than smart. People check them frequently. Even I, with my "dumb" phone, will check my phone when I feel lonely or bored.

E-mail, twitter, Facebook, text messages. People are connecting through written text. It's a wonderful thing. Perhaps it's my introverted side protesting, but I am cautious of being constantly available via the internet and/or smart phones.

What about time for reflection?

And now I must confess that I avoid time to reflect. It's something I want to do but have difficulty making time for it. Facebook sucks me in every time.

My point is that despite the instant connections through smart phones, loneliness persists.

Is there a cure for loneliness?

The cure is quite a process, but, personally, it has involved me cultivating a relationship with Jesus Christ. I realize this might sound contrite. As meaningful and incredible as my journey has been (and will continue to be), I have no idea how to explain it. Partially because I still do not understand it myself.

All I know is that God has pursued me. He has saved me from the choking yoke of sin. After accepting Jesus as my Savior in 2009, I lost 40 pounds through Weight Watchers. I learned healthy eating habits and realized the value of hydration. I started running with a dear friend, who kept me accountable (she still does 2 years later!). I thought God was so cool. Last year, I first struggled with God. Things were not going my way. My weight was up and down like a yo-yo. I broke up with my boyfriend, partially for reasons aligned with the word of God. Yet, I felt sad and lonely. It did not make sense to me. I thought following God's will was associated with joy. I became angry about feeling sad and lonely. After 7 months, I finally admitted that I needed to see a counselor. God's presence during my counseling sessions is undeniable. It's a precious gift that reminds me He is pursuing me. It has been a painful and difficult process. I'd work so hard to be in control. I became so frustrated that I gave up. I wrote in my journal telling Jesus it was up to Him, because I was done. That's when things turned around. I'm still learning; I'm still learning to seek God instead of my stand-by idols. I'm still developing my relationship with God.

I still feel lonely, but I know it does not mean I am alone. God is always with me.

1 Corinthians 3:16
Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit dwells in your midst?

Who says you can't go home?

My memories swirl between fuzzy and clear and back to fuzzy. This post is probably the best way to preserve my memories before my recall distorts what happened. Here are some highlights, in no particular order, as my memories do not follow a chronological order.

1. Thunder, lightning, and rain. Alas, my family and friends already had their fill of rain, but it's a novelty for a girl from San Diego. I never thought the rain would be a delightful homecoming.

2. Practicing my golf swing. From a swing and a miss to a high arc.

3. Coming in 2nd place during a 5k race in Rouses Point. I averaged a 10 minute mile and there were 7-8 people in my age range.

4. Seeing deer. I saw a deer with my bestest friend as well as while walking with my mom. Walking is another highlight.

5. Visiting my bestest friend 3 times. Our smiles and laughter outnumber grains of sand. Who knew marshmallows equaled happiness.

6. A celebration of 10 years post high school graduation with a very special retired English teacher.

7. A flash rainstorm while dining in Lake Placid. Soggy calamari and chips never tasted so good.

8. Visiting family. Nothing beats being adored by younger cousins and reconnecting with family who knew me when I was knee-high.

9. Chocolate world, chocolate world, chocolate world! Watching my mom take a jello shot at 9 in the morning and going to see Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow in concert with 2 of my cousins.

10. Adopting a gag from Big Bang Theory in which I offer my Dad a "piece of chocolate" as positive reinforcement.

11. "Helping" my mom prepare for the family cook out. The first 20 minutes had us doubting the effectiveness of working together. Baking raspberry streusel muffins and banana bread. Making white chocolate chip macadamia nut pancakes and eating pumpkin pancakes.

12. Eating so many delicious things, including a michigan and an ice cream cone from Harrigans.

13. Sitting in the swing with my dad watching the river. I always miss the fish jumping out of the water.

14. Seeing the stars twinkle while walking outside from my room to the house to use the bathroom in the middle of the night (when else would I see stars?).

15. Floating down the river in an inner tube with my mom; chilling in the river while drinking a milkshake with Bailey's.

16. Drinking wine, snacking, and catching up with my favorite friends from Rouses Point.

17. Going to bed at 9 pm, having the power go out at 9:36 pm during a storm, waking up at 2:52 am to drive to Vermont. And now, I'm leaving on a jet plane. San Diego, here I come. Adios, East Coast.

Safe or 2nd base?

Last night was my first official encounter with the x-ray scanner at the airport. In all my travel last year, I somehow managed to avoid it. In San Diego, I told the agent that I did not want to go through the scanner. I was told to sit down in a chair while the man went to find an agent to pat me down. The female agent did not hide her annoyance. She was especially thrilled when I accepted the offer of a private room for the pat down. The articles in the news made the pat downs sound very invasive. I did not want people watching me being man-handled (well, woman-handled). So, the female agent had to find yet another female agent to witness the pat-down. The whole thing was awkward, but I suspect it was mostly awkward because the agent was so pissy about it.

No, I will not conform to a false-sense of security and go through an x-ray machine without a lead vest. Especially since I am given a lead vest at the dentist when the machine is only pointed toward my mouth. Although, I care more about the principle than the health risk.

I anticipated the pat-down to be analogous to 3rd base, but it was not that thorough.

In a private screening room, I stood on my soap box.