The doctor said I'm special.

On January 19, I tripped on uneven sidewalk while jogging down 30th Street with a superb friend. The blue brace on my right hand is what I originally bought for my left hand until I received the fabulous black wrist brace close to 2 weeks after I fell.

My x-ray on January 21, showed a crack in my ulnar styloid. Using one hand in addition to the amount of writing and typing I do has caused tendonitis in my right hand (hence the brace for some support).

My follow-up x-ray on February 22 indicated that the crack on my ulnar styloid is still there, indicating the possibility of chronic fracture deformity (what's that??). I received a referral for an orthopedist. The physician's assistant explained that when people typically fall they break the radius bone. He said that I'm special. I did not crack the bone most people break.

I didn't need to crack a bone to know that I don't do what most people do. I've known that my entire life; finally, however, I have come to embrace my atypicality. We all bear different traits of God. We're all special. :)

Be prepared.

Consider yourself warned. Today was amazing. I spent most of my counseling session crying. I had started crying before my session even started. By crying, I mean loud, convulsing, hiccuping sobbing. I made noises so strange that it made me laugh. I read a poem that the Holy Spirit wrote through me and brought tears to my counselor's eyes.

Today was a climax within my journey. God liberated me. I grieved my past experiences and my past coping mechanisms. I began to see the lies I believed as lies. I began to see my pain and acknowledge myself. I finally asked myself what I needed.

Knowing I needed more time to process and to be still before God, I went home instead of attending the youth ministry I serve as one of the leaders. This decision was difficult, as I hate to disappoint people and often serve people at the expense of my own personal needs. (So it was super encouraging to see that God showed up, even though I wasn't there. Hallelujah!) This time I made my decision based upon my needs. So, I went to Twiggs to eat supper--a glimpse of the feast to come when God comes to dwell among us--and to write more about the stirring within me.

My counselor said that Jesus was collecting my tears. I joked that I hoped he turns them into wine. I know He will.

I have been unlocked; I have been released. I don't know what will come. Perhaps, the difference will be subtle. So be prepared. I'm done trying to fit a mold that I'm not meant to fill. I was created in God's image, and I make no apologies. The journey is not yet complete, but you have been warned. :)

God at work

God rocks. I love it when He shows up while I'm working. He knows my students best; it's such a blessing when he shows up to meet their needs!

One of my students, a 5th grade male who is able to correct my grammar, has characteristics similar to Asperger Syndrome (part of the Autism Spectrum Disorder). Yesterday, we discussed strategies for when he is bullied. I also told him that I'd go on the playground with him and help him talk with some students to find nice peers.

On the playground, he was weary of talking to other students. I felt a bout of introvertedness and suddenly I felt similar feelings as my student. Then God showed up. A student who I met in January or December approached us and says to me, "I played Uno with you." Her grace was beyond her years. She patiently waited for my student to talk to her while I instructed him to make eye contact and told him what to say. They acknowledged how each other had hurt their feelings and apologized to each other. The harmony of the situation was clearly orchestrated by God. Furthermore, she encouraged him to talk to her, "Don't be scared; you can ask me anything." I was also firm with my student as he said, "I can't" or expressed a desire to quit. "You can do this," I insisted. I felt like a coach. Debriefing with him revealed his fragile, scared heart. "What if it's a trick?" he asked me, "I have to test her." I explained that he could trust her.

It was one of my most rewarding moments as a speech language pathologist, and God did all of the work. :)

The Journey

I have reservations about the title of this blog. It is not a reference to the band, but it is a reference to a Linkin Park song, "In the End" from their Reanimation album. I have always been captivated by the words, "The journey is more important than the end or the start."

I often become so preoccupied with the destination that I can often fell contempt toward the journey.

Right now I am on the most incredible journey with God. I am learning to go to Him as my Father. I am seeing answering my prayers, pursuing my heart, and fulfilling my desires. He is showing me how to use my talents and gifts. I see it transforming how I provide therapy for my students. I am learning to trust my intuition in addition to the facts.

Two weeks ago I struggled with loneliness. "Struggled" is an understatement. I went to church two weeks ago, and tears streamed down my face with the force of an avalanche. Once it started, there was no stopping it as it grew exponentially. God knew I would not ask for help. I would not reach outward. My tears showed my friends I needed help. I still need to work on asking for help, especially with my dishes, since my wrist does hurt.

God met me in my loneliness. He used my precious community group and other friends to reach out. He has used my daily devotionals to bless others. He has used those who read my devotionals to bless me by reminding me of my own words. My brokenness is part of my testimony. I am a fragile little girl who has been kept hidden. I see a counselor through my church. She has mentioned 2 powerful images from the Bible. I used to be the disciples who shooed the children away from Jesus. Jesus makes it very clear we are not to do that.

An image I am striving for is connected to the story of the Samaritan woman at the well. Jesus asks her for a drink of water. Jesus tested her when he inquired about her husband. She answered honestly, admitting she had none. Jesus knew how she had been seeking fulfillment from men. He did not rebuke her. He told her that He was the Messiah.

My current journey is a way of cultivating a deep well within me of living water. It is a place where I can go to quench my thirst for God, and I will also be able to pour out a glass of cool, refreshing living water for others who thirst.

It is a blessing to see God affirming my talents and using me on His behalf. Two weeks ago I loathed the journey. It is not easy, but God is with me. He meets me where I am, so part of me wants to this journey to last longer than is necessary. This is a very special time with God; some details of the journey I want to savor alone.

Broken

My wrist is essentially broken, but that is the least of my problems.

I am broken. My spirit, my soul is broken. I feel beyond fixing. I'm tired, weary, and wrestling with who God created me to be. I'm angry, scared, and lonely. I'm an introvert living in an extroverted world; how will anyone understand me? I don't even take the time to understand myself. It would just be one more thing in which I'm alone.

A second opinion

Wednesday morning at 6:00 a.m. I fell while jogging. I assume the sidewalk was uneven, and I tripped. I went from upright to sprawled on the sidewalk before I had time to process what happened. I was seriously stunned as I lay on the sidewalk. My knees are scraped and bruised. My pants ripped at my right knee, in which the scrape still requires a band-aid (a Scooby-Doo band-aid, no less). The top of my right forearm is scraped, and I have a bruise by my elbow. The best part? I may have sprained my wrist. The knob-like bone swelled. In time, my wrist continued to swell. Thursday, I realized I should probably go see a doctor. Friday, I got an x-ray, but I will not know the results until Monday.

What advice did I receive from the doctor? His advice shows the stark contrast between the Sensing preference and the Intuitive preference. In case you forgot, I am intuitive. Sensing people (75% of the population) rely upon facts. The doctor told me I should walk or use a stationary bike, because I do not want to fall again. This is practical advice. There's a slightly bitter taste in my mouth as I write practical. I am intuitive; I grasp possibilities. I don't ask why; I ask why not? It is physically possible for me to jog. My wrist hurts not my ankle or any other part of my leg, not even my knees, which are prone to be sensitive. I am physically capable of running, but the law of gravity seems to trump what's possible in a factual world.

I didn't dare tell my doctor that Thursday night I went hiking in the dark not to mention I drank a beer and ate a sandwich 3/4 of the way up. Was I concerned about falling? Of course. Do I let facts guide my life, or my decisions? No. Do I entertain facts while making decisions? Yes, but I value what is possible. Jogging is possible, but I will walk this weekend while rolling my eyes.

Feeling

I feel things, deeply. I internalize so much. I haven't written about Haiti, because it is too painful. I feel the desperation of the people. I am suffocated by their injustices.

I cling to possibilities while forgetting the facts. God loves the people in Haiti. God is just. He sent his son to die for our sins. We are saved through Jesus. God wins.

My counselor keeps reminding me that I bear God's image. It's felt unbearable my entire life. I always felt like I was wrong. I'm adaptable, so I'd change my colors to blend in with my surroundings. I can't change my colors. I can't blend in. I will never blend in. I am the color in a black and white world. I never ask "why;" I ask "why not?"

I struggle with authenticity. How can I be an heir in God's kingdom when I cannot earn my righteousness? I am not righteous. I wrestle with the cornerstone of Christianity.

I am baffled by how I can feel joyful and an aching sadness at the same time. I feel what others feel. It does not mean I understand how that person feels, but I feel it to a lesser degree. God hasn't shown me what to do with my ability to feel.

How did Jesus walk the earth knowing he had the power to heal everyone? He did nothing on his own; he completely relied upon his Father. Why can't I accept that God did not create me to heal everyone? How do I become entangled within a web of possibilities while ignoring the facts? And this is a good thing? God intentionally created me this way? God is pleased with me?

I feel like a piece of art. Its beauty is revealed the more it is studied. I'm still studying, asking my Father to reveal my beauty. I'm tired of avoiding myself; I'm tired of going down the destructive path. I still do not know which gifts and talents are unique to me. God is pruning my branches. I feel like a giant weed. How long, O Lord? Thank you for remembering me and loving me.

I hate sharing my thoughts, because I haven't sorted things out yet. I prefer to understand my world before I express it. But I believe that my brokenness is part of my testimony. God is with me. He meets me in my brokenness. I just can't recognize him, yet.