Lost in America

I returned to Haiti for a second time from December 27, 2010 through January 2, 2011. The second trip opened my eyes. I changed a lot during 2010; I changed a lot since my first trip to Haiti. The second trip was convicting: I do not live as a follower of Christ.

Since landing in Fort Lauderdale, I am disgusted and saddened by all of the excess. Yet, I also catch my sinful side slipping back into complacency and routine.

My brain cannot understand how people in Haiti do not have their basic needs met while people in America have their needs over-met, despite American citizens who do not have their basic needs met, either.

We are all broken; we are all sinners.

I know the change I yearn for in my heart can only be accomplished through God, but I keep questioning what it is that I can do. How can I use my time, talents, and treasure to provide for those in God's kingdom, whether they believe in Jesus or not.

How can I live here knowing that there's work to be done? What is it that I'm supposed to do? What about my ministry here in San Diego? There are people who need to be fed, people who need to know God's word, and people who need to be loved.

How long, Lord, must we wait?

Yesterday, while driving to work, I cried seeing the elaborate highway with ramps looming above me. I cried seeing the highway cleared of trash. I cried on my way to work again this morning.

I lamented seeing the mass of tea and coffee available at the staff lounge in my school.

I fear that I will become complacent. I fear that I will stop crying on my way to work. How do I live in two worlds? I pray that my heart continues to break as God's heart breaks when he looks down from heaven. I also pray, however, that he shows me what to do. Because feeling hopeless with a God full of hope, feeling lost with a God who is a good shepherd is difficult. Perhaps, if I would just learn to be patient God would not require me to wait so long. Until then, I trust in God and his faithfulness to all of his promises. Until then, I will be waiting ready to say men mwen, hoping I hear God's voice.